Gowon wasn’t sure how the pain had changed since Hyejoo had come here. It’d somehow gotten worse—colder, but also numb. At least to the point that she could ignore it. 

Until she saw her. Or even felt her presence in the camp. Then if felt like a knife had been driven into her side. 

There was another sort of pain too, one that came when she thought of how Hyejoo’s eyes were completely devoid of light. It got stronger when she remembered how cold she looked, while anger seemed to burn just below her indifferent gaze. 

And, of course, the guilt surged with each thought of her. As it always had. 

She saw the same thing in Sooyoung and Jiwoo. They probably would’ve had that conversation sooner, if the two were even talking to one another. 

And then Gowon herself barely wanted to bring it up. She’d come to hate the questioning glances sent her way. Every single person in camp seemed to want to see how she was doing. Not all of them out of concern, but just because they were curious. She’d been the closest to Hyejoo.

She had been. 

She hated that they knew that. She hated that the seers knew about the broken bond. She’d hated it in the beginning to, when people had reassured her that she’d made the right choice. She’d hated that they’d believed she’d been right. 

And now she wanted Jiwoo and Sooyoung to stop sending worried glances her way. They were terrible at hiding them. She knew they were worried that her pain would get worse. She didn’t want them to realise that it had. She didn’t want them to worry. 

But not telling them anything wasn’t helping either. It probably made it worse. 

She was surprised the two were still sitting at the fire with her. With each other. 

Jiwoo was doing a lot of the talking, but most of it was directed at Gowon. It was either about the next place they were supposed to go, or just asking Gowon about simple things. Normal things. 

And when Sooyoung pitched in, she spoke only to Gowon. There were the occasional border-line passive-aggressive remarks thrown into the air, but Jiwoo looked unaffected by them. 

To put it lightly, it was infuriating. 

But Gowon didn’t want to step in. Both of them were fully capable of breaking whatever barrier stood between them. 

There was another thing. If she talked about anything not related to patrol or the upcoming eclipse. Eclipses were always a tricky subject. Sometimes the moonlight was focused in such a way that they’d get stronger. Other times, it nearly crippled them. The seers never fared well. Eline had once been stuck in a week-long trance. Gowon still didn’t know what she’d seen. She wondered if Jiwoo had. 

Then again, what had happened to Jiwoo in the eclipses? Gowon had always thought Jiwoo had just been more vulnerable to it, but had it been because she’d also been affected by it? 

She also couldn’t ask about that. Even addressing Jiwoo being a seer would lead to a completely conversation for them. And she didn’t know how Sooyoung would react. 

It was so complicated. Too complicated. Nothing she needed now. 

“I need to go,” Gowon got to her feet, “Seunghee still has my scroll.”

Sooyoung frowned. “The one from Alexandria? You let her borrow it?”

She shrugged. "She's been to a lot of libraries. Wanted to see how it compared."

Then she walked away, quietly whispering a good day. She wondered just how frustrated they were with her. She didn’t check the light to see it. 

She smiled slightly. She wasn’t exactly stepping in. Technically, she’d stepped out, but maybe she’d done something useful. 

______

Chuu and Sooyoung were left in a painfully uncomfortable silence. Never had they been like that before. Chuu hated it. She was also very aware that it was because of her. 

Neither of them were making any move to leave. Was that a good sign? Or were they just not sure how to avoid one another? 

Chuu looked to Chaewon’s path, following it. She’d be going to the forest soon. A darker grey path crossed with hers. Then Gowon’s left it, going to her usual place. The one where she cleaned Hyejoo’s old swords. 

That wasn’t a good sign. She was safe, but Chuu knew they’d have to go to her side. 

They. Would that still be happening? 

And what would Sooyoung say it Chuu brought that up now? What would she think if Chuu started talking about the future, as if it were normal? Would she actually storm off? 

“What does the future say about where I’m going next?” Sooyoung asked. She looked up from the fire and straight at Chuu. She looked cold. Another thing Chuu wasn’t used to. 

“The forest,” she replied. “When we go look for her.” She nodded in the direction Chaewon went. 

Her brow rose. “We will?” 

So Chuu was going to explain it anyway. At least some of it. “She might need us.”

The ice in Sooyoung’s eyes remained. “So you can see that too.”

Chuu shook her head. “I just know where she’s going and where after that.”

“Oh.” She looked away. 

A long moment of silence passed. Chuu wished she could just stand up and leave. 

But that wasn’t what the two of them did. At least not usually. 

“You saw her bond.” Sooyoung said. 

“Before, no,” Chuu shook her head, “but after, when it broke.” She’d never forget it how the beautiful, shimmering bond shattering. It’d stayed as light, but the shadows had gone directly to Chaewon. From that day on, it’d spread, transforming the bond into something else. Something that was still hurting her. 

“I should’ve known they were bound,” Sooyoung muttered. “Even if it wasn’t there, or clear, it was so obvious.” She closed her eyes. “And her hating Chaewon now,” she sank further into herself, “it’ll break her.” 

“I know.” 

“But it’s not just her,” Sooyoung said. “Hyejoo came back to help. They don’t trust her even though she’s saving our lives.” Her brow furrowed. “And we know her magic isn’t hate or rage. We should’ve seen that with the spirits. We see it now.” 

She let out a shaky breath. Chuu watched as she put her head in her hands. She could feel the doubt emanating from her. She knew the despair she was feeling. 

“But she’s angry,” Chuu finished. “And she hates so many of us.” For all the right reasons, but she’d only prove the Astra right. 

Sooyoung didn’t reply. 

“And you think that’s what’s going to hurt her.” 

Again, no response. 

“I’m scared of that too,” Chuu said. “When I saw her, her darkness was full of those things. I don’t know how that affects her. I don’t know if it hurts her like it does Chaewon.” 

“It’s like the light,” Sooyoung continued. “We know it can be good, but we’ve seen, felt, how it can be a poison.” She looked up. Tears were in her eyes. “And we know the same applies to the darkness. At least we do now.” She shook her head. “But it’s not like we can stop her hating us. We—" She sank further into herself.  

Chuu wanted to go to her then. She wanted to at least take her hand, but she didn’t. “We deserve it," she finished. She’d never say that in front of Chaewon. She genuinely didn’t think she deserved it. Chuu had seen something that’d scared her. She’d let it happen, because she’d jumped to her decision too soon. 

Sooyoung looked at her for a long moment. Then she stood. 

She wondered if she’d said the wrong thing again. This time by accident. 

Chuu turned back to the flames. She didn’t want to watch her go. It would hurt more than not speaking. 

But Sooyoung sat down beside her. “You saw the same thing Eline did, didn’t you?” 

“Yeah,” she said. “The wrong thing.” Being closer again made her heart ache. That was a familiar pain, one she’d grown very numb to, but now she felt it. 

“Maybe,” Sooyoung replied. “But I believed in the future too.” Her voice was quiet. “I just saw the darkness. I could just think of—” She broke off.

Chuu’s father had died years ago to a group of spirits. Sooyoung had loved him just as much as she had. He’d been alive when they’d brought him back, but completely separated from his body. His eyes, then devoid of colour, had been slowly filling with darkness. They’d known he wouldn’t wake. Chuu had seen his path disappear in that moment. Then they’d let him die. 

“I know.” Chuu took her hand this time. It sent a small rush of warmth through her. A part of her hoped Sooyoung felt the same comfort. A part of her wished she wouldn’t feel the change—that she wouldn’t start realising what the effects of the bond were. 

Sooyoung didn’t pull away. 

“Did you know?” she asked. 

Chuu shook her head. “Not until they realised he was gone,” she said. “But I knew about others.” She realised then that she was past withholding any information. If Sooyoung asked her, she’d tell her everything. 

“Like?” 

“The one time Yuqi nearly got mauled by the wolf,” she replied. “Or Taegen with the coven.” 

A long pause. 

“You nearly got yourself torn in half,” Sooyoung said. Then her brow furrowed even more than before. “So how did you do it?. Did you have a system?”

“System?” 

“You went after Yuqi, we 'found' the coven, and you barely hid knowing about Hyunjin being in danger.” 

“It depended on what I knew before, or what I felt in that moment,” Chuu said. “Sometimes no matter what happened, someone got hurt or—or they died.”

Sooyoung’s grip on her hand tightened. “The future didn’t change?” 

“Sometimes the moon didn’t give any suggestions.” She sighed, thinking of the many things she’d never been able to change. “But we never know that until we try.”

She hummed. She was looking at her, both confused and a little distant. Her grip had loosened, but she wasn’t pulling her hand away. 

Chuu hadn’t seen her path change yet. She was still going to stay here and then go to Chaewon. At least for now. 

“And you knew,” Sooyoung began. “That if we knew, we’d all try to change it?” A pause. “And if only you knew about it, it’s just you who couldn’t save them. The rest just had bad timing.” 

“That’s not everything,” Chuu said. “I was scared to tell you. The longer it went on, the more scared I got.” She shrugged. “But the main reason is because it was always supposed to be a secret. My secret.” She turned away. She pulled her hand away then. 

She felt a pang of hurt, one that wasn’t her own. She fought the urge to move away. She didn’t want to feel any trace of the bond. Especially not in this moment. 

But it was impossible. It was still there.  

“But how did you do it?” Sooyoung wasn’t looking at her. “How’d you lie for years?” Her voice trembled. 

The answer to that was simple. “I got good at it.” 

“And used to it,” she said, turning back to her. “It became natural.” The look of betrayal came then. The look Chuu had always feared, but never seen. Not like this. 

The hurt Chuu felt now was her own. She couldn’t say anything to that. Not when it was true.

“And what about now?”

“Now?” Chuu forced herself to meet Sooyoung’s gaze. “You’ll get the truth,” she said quietly. Always, she added in her head. It wasn't a promise she wanted to make aloud. 

And if Sooyoung would still have anything to do with her, Chuu would tell her what she was seeing. She’d be roped into discussions with the seers too now. She’d be brought into the fold. Exactly what she hadn’t wanted. 

But they were all stepping into a future more uncertain than a hurricane. If there was any time to start accepting her own fate of sight, then it was now. 

Sooyoung didn’t say anything. Her eyes were still on Chuu’s. Was she searching for the next lie? Or preparing to say something else? Something that would hurt more than lying had. 

Before that happened, Chuu risked saying more. “I don’t like seeing what I do. I never did,” she told her. “There were things I could stop, but a lot of things that just stayed inevitable.”

And no matter where she looked, she always saw the future. Even in her dreams, it often came to her. 

There still wasn’t a response. Chuu realised she didn’t want one. She was grateful that Sooyoung wasn’t commenting on anything, but she was still wondering about what she was thinking. Were Chuu’s words hurting her? 

But even if they were, Sooyoung deserved to hear all of it. She deserved a lot more. All Chuu could give her were words. 

“Not telling you never meant I didn’t trust you.” She stood up, reclaiming a much needed distance. “I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t trust you with.” 

Sooyoung’s mouth was slowly twisting into a frown. 

“We should go find Chaewon,” Chuu said. “Or I can tell you where she’s going and you can meet her there.” She started walking. 

She heard Sooyoung stand and follow. She still hadn’t said anything. 

She didn’t say anything the entire time. Chuu wasn’t sure which was worse. The silence made her wonder. The silence scared her. 

But she also didn’t want to hear a response. 

______

The moment Gowon reached the river, she regretted being there. The night had been transformed by her presence. Everything she saw had a trace of rage, hurt, and something very close to loneliness. 

And Gowon felt the surprised anger when Hyejoo realised she was there. 

She could hear the distant footsteps. She could feel the slow rise of Hyejoo's anger—her pain. 

Gowon wanted to run away. She wanted to go back to the camp. She wanted Jiwoo and Sooyoung to be with her. 

But she didn’t move. Whatever was going to happen now, even if her heart was broken further, she’d deserve it. 

Each step Hyejoo took tugged at the bond. It felt like a needle being driven further and further into her chest. That needle got thicker the closer Hyejoo came. 

Gowon forced herself to not think of the pain. She instead focused on the light she still had, bringing it closer to her heart. It worked only a little, but that was enough. 

And when she saw Hyejoo drawing away from the shadows, she made sure her face didn’t give away how the bond was hurting her. The needle had turned into a knife. 

Of all the things Hyejoo was going to see here, Gowon’s pain wasn’t a part of that. It couldn’t be. 

“What happened?” Hyejoo asked, her voice still that strange rasp. It’d once been smooth and light, almost airy. “Why do you look like that?” 

Gowon frowned. Why did that matter? “Nothing happened.” 

The air around them turned cold. Gowon could almost feel how the shadows wanted to go close to Hyejoo. 

“Don’t you dare lie to me,” she spat. 

The words yanked at the broken bond. It hurt, but Gowon didn’t let it show. She’d not hidden the pain earlier. She needed to now. 

“I’m not,” Gowon said. “T-this,” she hated how her voice wavered, “this came with time.” 

Hyejoo’s brow furrowed, but the anger in her eyes didn’t go away. “Being vague isn’t helping anything.” 

“Because I can’t tell you anything!” she protested. “It just came over the years. I don’t know how.” She knew why, but she wasn’t going to say that to Hyejoo. She couldn’t.

She was looking at the space around her. For a moment, Gowon was terrified that she’d see the bond too. It didn’t make much sense at all that Gowon could see it in the first place, but she could. Maybe Hyejoo just needed time around it, before she saw it. She hoped she’d never know about it. 

“It wasn’t a spirit,” Hyejoo said slowly. “And it wasn’t from someone like me.” 

Gowon just shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”

She felt the shadows shift. Not because of anger. At least it didn’t feel like that. 

“It,” Hyejoo started. Then her eyes turned hard. “No, it doesn’t matter.” 

There it was again. Pain. 

And Gowon’s eyes were already starting to sting. 

She took a step back.

“That’s all you can say about it?” Hyejoo asked. 

Why couldn’t they drop this? Why couldn’t Hyejoo just walk away from her? 

“What else should I say?” That it hurts, that it’s only because of me, that I miss you more than anyone in the world—that I know you’ll never forgive me for what I did. Neither will I. 

“What you think’s happening?” Hyejoo threw back, a bite in her voice. “You lose so much light that it changes you and you have no idea why?”

Gowon didn’t know why she was asking. She’d just said it didn’t matter. Why couldn't one of them just leave? 

Hyejoo took a step forward. “Because from what I’m seeing, you’re not even trying to find it out. You’re also not looking me in the eye.” A pause. “Tell me,” she said, “what happened.” Her eyes bore into Gowon’s. She could feel the barely concealed anger there. She could see the hatred there. 

And it just made everything hurt more. 

Gowon looked away. 

And the anger got stronger. 

“We don’t know.” It was Jiwoo. 

Hyejoo stiffened. “Really?” Her voice was very quiet. “You know exactly where I’ll be, where I’ll go,” she turned to her, “but you can’t tell me why she looks like that?” The hatred was stronger. And it wasn't burning. It was just cold. 

Jiwoo wasn’t looking away. “No.” 

For one of the first times, Gowon saw how easily Jiwoo could hide the truth. She'd rarely been able to see those lies before. 

But in the same moment, the darkness around them surged. 

“You’re lying,” Hyejoo hissed. “Lies have a shadow. I see that." Her hand balled into a fist. 

Something yanked at Gowon’s feet, making her stumble. It was cold. Anger shot through her in the same moment. The pain in her chest also doubled. She dug her nails into her palm. 

She knew then that Hyejoo had taken hold of her shadow. 

By the way the other two had lurched forward, she’d done the same to them. Jiwoo was staring at the ground, eyes wide, while Sooyoung was looking at Hyejoo, something between desperation and pain in her eyes. 

“So you came to protect her?” Hyejoo's eyes were mocking as she looked down at her. Her lips curled into a sneer. 

It made it painfully clear how pathetic Gowon was. Her eyes burned even more, but she forced the tears back. 

Hyejoo’s grip on her shadow tightened. Ice crawled up her legs. 

A part of her knew she’d be able to get free. She just had to use the light.

But she stayed where she was. Neither Sooyoung or Jiwoo made to get free either. 

“We’re on guard,” Sooyoung said then. Her expression was both masked and vulnerable, as if she didn’t know what to show Hyejoo. 

Gowon didn’t know what to show either. Lying would be the worst thing she could do. Telling the truth wasn’t much better either. 

“Did you know,” Hyejoo was looking at Jiwoo now, “did you know I’d get the darkness?” 

“No,” Jiwoo said, her gaze thawing. “No one did.” 

Hyejoo was quiet, but there wasn’t any change in the anger. She believed her. 

“But you knew where I’d be,” she muttered. “Why go to the witch?” 

Jiwoo was silent for a long time. She looked to Sooyoung, before meeting Gowon’s eyes. “They didn’t know.” 

Hyejoo frowned. “What?” 

“I’ve had the sight since I was a child,” she replied, her jaw clenched. “I never told anyone except for Eline and one other who got the sight.” 

“Yerim.” Hyejoo’s mask had softened ever so slightly. 

And that was because Yerim hadn’t turned away from her. 

“I’m only letting you go once you tell me the truth,” Hyejoo said then. The cold strengthened, as if to prove that point. 

“Why do we have to tell you?” Sooyoung asked. The indifference had overcome her vulnerability. “You said you didn’t care.” She let out a yelp when she was dragged across the ground, scrambling to right herself. She fell to Hyejoo’s feet. 

“It’s because you’re hiding something.” Hyejoo’s hand lifted. 

And Sooyoung was forced to her feet, shadows now coating her legs. Gowon saw her wince. 

“So just say it.” Her voice was still a rasp, but it filled Gowon's ears. Another reminder of what Hyejoo had lost. 

Gowon closed her eyes. Hyejoo could’ve demanded an explanation for why they’d her. Gowon would’ve given that. She could’ve forced them to beg for her forgiveness. Gowon would’ve done that. Instead, she wanted an explanation for the darkness that Gowon now held. The one thing she didn’t want to say. 

“I don’t know why it’s happening,” Gowon said, gritting her teeth. “Light doesn’t help it. We just know it’s connected to something.” 

When Hyejoo turned, she didn’t look at her, but at the space in front of her. For a moment, Gowon was afraid that the bond actually reached Hyejoo. 

But it vanished from view before it reached her. That either meant it wasn’t a part of her anymore, or Gowon just couldn’t see that piece of it. 

“And in the years I’ve had it, there was never more of it.” She forced herself to look at Hyejoo directly. The pain nearly crippled her, but she focused on pressing her fingernails deeper into her palm. That was a different pain. “It just never went away.” That was the truth, but not the one Hyejoo was asking for. 

But the words wouldn’t have a shadow. Gowon would make sure of it. 

Slowly, the hold on their shadows eased. 

“Whatever it is,” Hyejoo’s voice was still quiet, rougher, “I’m not going to take it.” 

“I wasn’t going to ask you to.” Gowon took a step back the moment she was able to. 

Sooyoung also got to her feet, a long streak of mud across her clothes. The mask of indifference was still there, but it was on the verge of falling away. Gowon didn’t like that she could tell that. 

Jiwoo wasn’t looking at any of them, but only at the ground. There was a very clear shame there. 

“I don’t want to see any of you,” Hyejoo said. The shadows were slowly coalescing around her. “You see me, you turn the other way.” She finally turned away. “Or I’ll make you.” 

The shadows fully fell away from them. Gowon felt as Hyejoo’s presence eased off of the bond. It didn’t lessen the pain. It grew less sharp, but the ache was getting stronger. As if the knife in her had been taken away, only for a stone to be pressed over the wound. 

And that just continued as they watched Hyejoo disappear into the night. 

Gowon closed her eyes, feeling the tears blossom beneath her lids. She let them fall. 

As she fell to the ground, two sets of arms caught her. 

“We’ve got you,” Sooyoung was saying. 

They’d been here before. Instead of it’s okay, Sooyoung was telling her she was there. At least she’d learned. 

Gowon fought to keep her sobs silent. The last thing she wanted Hyejoo hearing was her pain. Not when she deserved this. 

Jiwoo and Sooyoung were both murmuring their reassurances. They were both trying to keep her from sinking into her head. They were both trying to be there for her, when they were probably feeling just as terrible as she was. 

But they were able to hold it together. Gowon wasn’t. 

She realised then that in the decades since Hyejoo’s banishment, she was still stuck in the place she’d fallen into. It was a hole she’d dug for herself. It was a hole that had been gradually sealed with her still inside. 

And she couldn’t bring herself to dig herself out of it. 

______

Olivia could hear the desperation in Yves’ voice as she tried to tell Gowon she was there for her. She heard the barely concealed pain in Chuu’s voice as she told her they could stay there as long as they needed. 

And then there were the broken sobs filling the silence of the night. Each choked breath in between tugged at Olivia’s feet. 

“No,” Gowon coughed, “I’m fi—just leave me a-al—” A long sigh. “I need to be alone.” Even through the tears, there was only a gentle bite to the words. Not like before, when there'd been a poorly concealed anger. 

“Not out here,” Yves said. “We’ll go on guard. You get the tent to yourself, just,” she faltered as well, “just be in the camp. Not here.” 

Olivia didn’t wait to hear the response. She kept walking. 

She didn’t stop until the sounds of the rushing river completely replaced the silence. She didn’t stop until she reached the cave Vivi had made for her. 

Olivia sighed, sinking to the ground. Her cheek pressed onto cool rock. It was comforting. 

She was alone again.

And when she closed her eyes, the first tears finally bloomed. 

______

Author's Note 

It was about time I get back to the yyxy storyline. I'm sorry it had to be like this. I was debating whether or not to add in other perspectives, but it genuinely didn't really fit. That's also why this is a much smaller chapter. I'm already writing the next scenes, but I figured I'd leave the weekend off with this (not quite sure if that was a gift or not). It was actually really difficult to write this chapter. This is the first real interaction between the four since the 'flashback' scenes. It may read weird at first, but there's a reason behind that, specifically in how 'off' Hyejoo's reaction may seem. 

The only consolation is that Jiwoo and Sooyoung actually talked? The subject is definitely not resolved, but the common theme in this story is that certain things will drown 'normal life' out for a while. That's been fluctuating a lot in this story and for some, OEC for example, their 'normal' lives are coming back into the picture. For 1/3, they've also been getting there. As for yyxy, there hasn't been a balance since Hyejoo was banished. 

If you've got any predictions for how those different storylines will be going now, I'd love to hear them. Most are pretty much established for me, but my plan's fluctuated now and then. There was a time when I'd intended to have a minor subplot with Jungeun and Jiwoo, but that went out of the window when I realised just how complicated Lipsoul and Chuuves were getting. 

I know this story's long, but that was basically my dream when I started this story. Being concise definitely wasn't the goal, not when it's a story about a little more than five characters and I wanted to give them each a good amount of development (hopefully I'm doing alright with that!)

Thank you for reading this story and also giving feedback every now and then. Seeing your comments, but also just knowing that people are still reading, makes me incredibly happy. My style might sometimes be difficult to get into, I know that, and the longer this story gets, the more intimidating it might be, but if you're still reading, that means so much to me. 

See you next chapter.