Fifteen
Ironic Bind‘Hmm, I’m pretty sure that it’s here though. I remember it’s on the fifth floor but…’
Hyun Ae was pacing around a walkway on a floor of a multi-storey building. The said walkway was enclosed on one side by a line of doors, which had equal distances between each door. The other side of the corridor was partly an open space, providing a wonderful view of the bright summery sky. The corridor was currently vacant, and only she was there at the time of the day.
Hyun Ae glanced at her phone screen. It was Tuesday, the 22nd of July, 2014. However, what was more important to her at that moment was the time; it was a quarter past two.
She was racing against time, but her faint memory was not helping her.
‘I remember turning left after coming out of the elevator,’ she mumbled to herself. She gazed at the said elevator that she exited around ten minutes earlier, hoping that by doing so, it would trigger a few more details in her memory. She was currently contemplating between the third and fourth doors from the elevator. Only some doors were named, which worsened the situation for her.
‘I don’t even remember these pots of flowers when I came over,’ she uttered as she caught sight of a few pots of flowers gracing the second door from the elevator. But then she took in the possibility that the pots might have been placed a few days after she went to the building. She took a brief notice that some flowers seemed to have wilted, which was an unusual sight since it was in the middle of summer. ‘Oh no, that’s sad…’ she mentally commented as she took in the contrast between the clear blue sky and the wilting flowers. ‘Is this a sign that I won’t be able to achieve my purpose of coming here? Ah, let’s not head that way. You can do this, Shin Hyun Ae!’
She was deep in her thoughts, trying to find solutions and wreck for a way out when she heard voices from the elevator. They were peals of laughter from a group of people. The voices were clearer for a few seconds, signaling that the elevator doors were open in that frame of time. Hyun Ae could catch a few phrases being said one on top of another, and judging from the feminine but deep voices, she could tell that they came from a group of female elders. ‘That was fun!’ ‘See you around!’ ’Let’s go out again soon!’ and ‘Don’t forget to look at your flowers, and see if my tips work for them.’
As Hyun Ae stared at the elevator, a woman in her late 50s was coming out of the said elevator and slowly walking down the corridor. With her head down, she was all smiley and sighing happily, making it apparent that she was still elated after going out with her acquaintances. At a point of walking down, she looked up and noticed that there was another person in the corridor. She gradually stopped in her tracks. Her delightful vibe faded away and her smiles were replaced by raised eyebrows, delivering a silent question of ‘Who are you?’
Sensing that she had already been registered as an unfamiliar face in the area, Hyun Ae offered a warm smile to the older woman and bowed politely. “Good afternoon, omonim.”
The older female returned the greeting by giving an equally polite nod, but Hyun Ae could tell that her eyes were still wary.
“I’m looking for Yoo Changhyun’s apartment. Do you know which one is it?”
The older woman took a few moments for Hyun Ae’s words to sink in. “‘Yoo Changhyun’?” she asked.
Hyun Ae nodded, but her heart fell when the name did not seem to ring a bell to the other person. The older woman’s eyebrows furrowed as she was trying to recall the name. “‘Yoo Changhyun’, ‘Yoo Changhyun’,” she uttered repeatedly as she stared at the sky beyond the corridor’s space. After a few moments, she clapped her hands. “Ah, Changhyun! The university student, right?”
Hyun Ae nodded again, getting hopeful at the positive response.
The older female pointed at the door that was surrounded by the pots of flowers, “This is my house,” and then moved to point to the fourth door, “Changhyun lives there.”
Hyun Ae heaved a sigh of relief, she was grateful that she could finally locate the place, albeit with help of another person.
“But, from the looks of it, he doesn’t seem to be home yet,” the neighbour said.
“I see,” Hyun Ae replied.
She was well aware of it actually. In fact, she had intended to come during his absence. She knew roughly where he was at that moment. Maybe he was attending his semester’s final classes, and after that going to Hyun Ae’s university to pick her up. Because it was his routine on a Tuesday.
Hyun Ae, on the other hand, had a free afternoon. She did not have any classes, hence she took the chance to be at his apartment. She had only dropped by once, and that was when she was helping Changhyun with his groceries. Even the ‘visit’ was a brief one—she did not get to sit around as they had something else to do afterwards.
“What can I help you with, young lady?” the older woman asked, still not leaving Hyun Ae’s side.
At the question, Hyun Ae’s mind instantly went to a certain item in her tote bag. Initially, she was planning to simply locate the house she was searching for, and then slip the item under the apartment door. And she should do it when no one was around and no one was looking. That was the ideal situation.
But considering the current setup, she knew that it was inappropriate to shove any item under one’s door in another person’s presence. Alternatively, she could do it after the woman went away, but what excuse should she give so that the other person would leave?
As she gauged that the woman would not leave her side in any possible way, Hyun Ae decided to trust the older female. “Omonim, can you help me?” Hyun Ae paused as she pulled out a white envelope out from her tote bag, “Can you give this to Changhyun...-shi when he comes back?”
She had to bite her tongue at mentioning the name. It felt foreign to her.
“Sure,” the woman gladly accepted, before reaching out to take the envelope. In a rather teasing way, she asked, “Who are you, by the way? Changhyun’s girlfriend?”
Hyun Ae flinched at the question, not expecting it to come. After a few moments, her facial expressions softened as she gave the older woman another warm smile and firmly answered, “A friend, omonim. I’m his friend.”
*****
“Hyung!” There were knocks on the door. “Hyung, are you home?”
The said door was pulled open a few minutes later, revealing a young man in his 20s with slightly tousled jet-black hair. With a slight frown—which almost looked like the signature of his face—he looked at the person who was knocking on his door. It was Jimin, a male teen who was also his neighbour.
Jimin showed his gummy grin as soon as he appeared. “Oh, you’re home!”
“Yeah, hyung’s home. Is there anything?”
“Mum asked me to give this to you.” The male teen handed in a white envelope to the young man. “She said a girl was wandering around here this afternoon, looking for your house.”
The young man scanned the envelope, briefly noticing that his name was neatly written on the paper case—Yoo Changhyun.
There was a brief exchange between the two before the male teen skipped over delightfully to his house, saying along the lines of the young man should be getting his house pulled together. “It’s messy, Hyung!”
Contrary to the bundle of energy of the teen, the young man simply managed a small smile at his remarks. His eyes flickered hints of amazement and envy at the younger’s positive vibes. After making sure Jimin safely entered his own house, the young man closed his apartment door and headed to a couch in his living room. Inspecting the envelope in his hands, he took note that there was no address written. Only his name. He paid the matter no heed as he tore the envelope’s seal. Setting the envelope aside, he took out its content: two sheets of A4 paper that were folded in three.
He immediately registered the sheets as a letter.
As if on reflex, his hands trembled and his heart thumped faster. He had yet to know who the sender was, so he unfolded the sheets and took a glance at the neat handwriting gracing both sheets, which he felt like he had seen somewhere before.
He read the topmost sentence on the first sheet.
Oppa, hi. It's me, Hyun Ae.
‘Hyun Ae?’ his heart thumped again. Only this time, he tore his gaze away from the letter. He briefly recalled Jimin saying that a girl was wandering around their place in the afternoon. ‘Was the girl Hyun Ae?’
He was actually waiting for Hyun Ae at her university in the afternoon to pick her up. But she was nowhere to be seen even though he had waited until half-past five. ‘Is this letter the reason why she wasn’t at the uni? She was here instead?’
He took deep breaths to calm himself down, before proceeding to read the rest of the letter.
I’m sorry for dropping you a letter all of the sudden. But I know myself for not being brave enough to face you, to confront you.
I believe you already know what the content is going to be... right? Well, at least that’s what I’m hoping.
Alright, where should I start...
I picked up your mum’s call the other day, when you were still in the mart after the movie. Of course, she was surprised when the one answering her was not her son, but a girl instead. When she asked who I was, I introduced myself as your girlfriend. “I’m Hyun Ae, Ricky Oppa’s girlfriend.” in the hope that you might have talked to her about me, and mentioning my name could ring a bell.
But her reply came out as a shock. A really unexpected one.
“Ricky? Who’s that?” to the point that she thought she was dialing the wrong number and was about to hang up.
Fortunately, I was quick enough to re-introduce myself using your real name this time: Changhyun’s girlfriend.
“Ah, Changhyun! He didn’t tell me that he’s got a girlfriend! Is Ricky the pet name between you two?”
From that moment on, I knew there was something wrong.
Then I found out about those notes on your phone. As if the phone call with your mum wasn’t enough to wrench my heart.
‘Aeri’, the notes said. Over and over again. And I’m well aware that I haven’t changed my name to Aeri yet. I’m still sane enough to realize that I’m still Hyun Ae.
I don’t know if you remember: those multiple occasions when you accidentally called me Aeri. But you brushed it off afterwards (in a rather flustered way, if I must add), saying that you had a cousin named Aeri who acted almost like me.
I don’t think so though.
I remember you told me that ‘Ricky’ was a pet name from your family.
Again, I don’t think so too.
Because I know how close you are to your mum. Even if the nickname did come from your other family members, your mum should have known it. And based on the conversation over the phone call, your mum only recognized Changhyun, not Ricky.
I can safely conclude that ‘Ricky’ came from Park Aeri. Am I correct?
I don’t know if I’ve been... delusional or oblivious all this time, but I realized something lately. You don’t look at me like you really see me. It’s as if... you’re expecting someone else, but you ended up seeing me.
Those hugs and goodnight kisses after our dates. Was I really the one in your embrace? “Ricky Oppa,” I’d been addressing you. Was it me that was in your sight when I called you that name?
Do you know what hurts even more? That she smelled so familiar. And it took me a while to figure it out: the smell was the same as the perfume scent that you gave me as a present.
I don’t know...
Are you trying to change me into her, Yoo Changhyun?
That thought alone saddens me to no end.
Why, Oppa? Am I not good enough for being myself? Can’t you love me for who I am? Is there anything that you dislike me doing? The way I laugh, maybe? Tell me please, so I can fix them for you.
I actually met Park Aeri, if you must know. During the volunteer work; she was one of the participants. It was as if fate was kind enough to show me who this Park Aeri was. At first, I doubted that she was ‘the’ Park Aeri, but proofs kept popping up, that they further confirmed that this girl was indeed Park Aeri. The girl that managed to make your world upside down.
But she didn’t seem to know me, and that gave me the opportunity to keep finding my plus points over her. I know it’s not appropriate to judge and peer into someone whom I barely knew. But I couldn’t help it. I tried to reason with myself the whole time that it’s not wrong to be jealous of her, and try to win over her in any possible aspect. It's not wrong if it's for my sake; for my relationship’s sake.
It crossed my mind sometimes. What would you do if she did come back to you? Would you turn her down? Or would you hide it from me, and date both of us at the same time? After that, you’d ditch me. Would you do that?
Remember our meeting at the park just a few days before? I was giving you the opportunity to explain about Aeri. Anything about her. Clarify about her. Who’s she to you?
Those notes on your phone. Wouldn’t you want to explain to me about them?
I had already decided that I really wouldn’t care if you lied to me. Just tell me something about her.
But you didn’t do anything. You didn't even go against my assumptions.
I was disappointed. I was truly appalled.
It’s almost our 100th day—only five days from now—but I doubt you know that. I doubt you even keep track of our relationship. I feel like I’m the only one committed to this relationship. And I can honestly say that I feel like giving up.
At this part, his throat felt dry and his mind was in a huge mess. He could not comprehend the revelations all at once. It felt too much. Apparently, there were more things that he did not know. That he had done unconsciously.
He held his head in his hands, feeling a whirlwind of emotions. His chin trembled. It pained him—reading the letter hurt him. ‘If it pains me this much, how much has it hurt Hyun Ae? Oh no, what have I done…’ He bit his lower lip, channeling the pain there, wishing to punish himself. He wanted to scream at his wrongdoings. He wanted to cry terribly. He wanted to hit himself for hurting the person who had done nothing wrong to him.
But the sight of the writing on the second sheet stopped him from doing those. Even though going through the first sheet had pained him, he braved himself to read until the end. Through moist eyes, he slowly read the content of the second sheet.
It was notably short in comparison to the first one, but it was enough to take his breath away.
But,
do you want to know something?
I still treasure this relationship.
Yes, it’s true that we’re still in that stage of knowing each other. It's true that I'm still angry at you for all these things that had happened, but I still treasure this relationship. I still treasure you.
After thinking about this for days and days, I’m aware that throwing a fit or tantrum, or even yelling at you for thinking of another girl while being with me, would not solve any problem.
And so,
I've decided to give myself a second chance.
Second chance. Let me help you move on. Even if I was really your rebound, give me another chance to prove to you that I can help you forget Park Aeri.
I understand if you’re still haunted by her, for she could’ve been your first love. I don’t blame you for that.
And I know that she's no longer tied to you. In whatever way she was with you, I've decided to love you my way.
Will you, however, let me have this second chance?
I’ll be waiting.
It’s either me or her.
28th September 2022, 00:15 GMT+8
[29.10.2021]
I just finished looking at the previous chapters and made a few additions and changes. I'm having a brief hiatus soon, but I'll try my best to post at least a chapter before November ends.
I just finished looking at the previous chapters and made a few additions and changes. I'm having a brief hiatus soon, but I'll try my best to post at least a chapter before November ends.
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