Thirteen
Ironic BindHyun Ae fiddled with her smartphone. It was 3 in the afternoon, and she had been lying on her bed since the beginning of the day. Clicking the Kakaotalk app on her phone, she scrolled down her conversation chats. She saw that Min had left a few messages to her through the app, but she left them unread. At least for now.
Hyun Ae found the chat that she had been looking at countless times since morning, but never had she left anything for it. Just as she was about to click on the chat, her thumb only hovered on the screen, until the display screen went pitch-black.
She had been repeating the cycle countlessly.
She let out a sigh. Hyun Ae let her eyes trail on the bedroom’s ceiling, staring blankly at the equally blank space. She kept asking herself, ‘Do I want to do this?’ And then her mind was filled with endless happenings and possibilities, of what was about to come.
By the time she regained her focus, it was already half past four. Finally decided on one out of the countless happenings, she breathed in, lifted her smartphone, clicked the Kakaotalk app, and then clicked on a certain chat. She glanced at the status of the other person and took note that they were not online.
“I met Daniel and Chunji-shi yesterday. They were nice :)”
“Can we meet later? At the park, 6 PM. Will you be free that time?”
She locked the screen right away, not expecting an instant reply. When her phone beeped a few minutes later, she lifted the said device and simply gazed at the short answer to her texts:
“Sure.”
She did not give a response. Her stare was back at her bedroom ceiling, partly hoping that the ‘6 PM’ would never come.
*****
Hyun Ae was at the park way earlier than 6 PM. Similar to her state when she was in her apartment unit, she gazed blankly again—this time, at her feet. Her feet were dangling back and forth, sometimes losing their momentum, but once she gained her focus, she dangled her legs again.
At a point, she closed her eyes and heaved a deep sigh.
“Hey.” A small, hoarse voice was heard, snapping her out of her trances.
Hyun Ae flinched. She immediately opened her eyes, looked up, and saw a lone figure standing in front of her.
Ricky. Only God knows how long had he been standing in front of her. Hyun Ae briefly took in his appearance. He was again dressed in a black and long-sleeved shirt. It was the peak of summer, but he still donned a pair of long jeans.
“Oh, hi, Oppa,” she squeaked out a reply. Realizing that barely a voice came out, she cleared . Easing herself, she tucked a few hair strands to the back of her ear. She gestured to the empty space to her right. “Seat. Have a seat.”
Ricky wordlessly complied and sat down next to her.
Hyun Ae’s eyes were back on her feet.
A few minutes passed by in silence, as if giving room for them to appreciate each other’s presence. They had not met for a whole week, after all.
“You…” Ricky trailed off, inviting Hyun Ae to look at him. She could see that he was studying her face, “…look tired.”
‘Well, speaking of the devil…’ her inner monologue said. “It’s been hard lately,” she tried to chuckle but sadly it sounded so dry. She could tell that even Ricky noticed it too. Hyun Ae cleared once again. “With assignments, volunteer work, and all. It’s tiring.”
As a matter of fact, she did not have any assignments as the semester break was nearing. But she did have major happenings during her volunteer work…
Silence ensued. Hyun Ae let her eyes stay lingered on her feet. Weighing on what to say next. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest that it pained her. She felt a headache creeping up. For a moment, she could not move her tongue to say anything. A part of her did not want to go through a confrontation.
But another part of her insisted that she should go through it.
Just when Ricky was about to speak again, she beat him to it.
“Park Aeri.”
That was not on the first list of things that she wanted to say. But her head was in a mess, she kept forgetting the order of what she should be saying.
She was not looking at Ricky, but she could sense that his body was stiffening. She could also hear him breathing in, surprised. For a few moments, she let the name sink in, waiting for Ricky to speak up.
But he seemed shocked that he could not find a word to answer.
“Who is she?” came a small voice from Hyun Ae. Surprisingly, she was calm. She was not shouting. At least that was a situation that she had envisioned.
His reactions, sadly, were also in her circle of expectations. She saw them coming, but even so, it still hurt. Ricky staying silent hurt her.
Hyun Ae stood up. “What was I asking, ha ha.” She faked a laugh. But her eyes started to glisten. To mask her reddening eyes, she swiftly turned her body to her left. “Let’s walk, shall we? It’s been a while.” Hyun Ae strode away in slow steps, inviting Ricky to follow suit.
He did, but kept a distance, making him a few steps behind her.
“Ricky…” she muttered, intentionally making it audible enough for Ricky. A few more steps, she halted, making the other person stop in his tracks as well. “What does the name mean to you?”
She moved slightly to have her side profile facing Ricky.
There was a brief silence, before Ricky spoke, “It’s what my family—”
“—but your mum doesn’t know who ‘Ricky’ is.”
Hyun Ae sterned her voice. For the first time that evening, she finally set her eyes properly on Ricky’s face, sending the message that she was not fooled by such a lame reason.
Ricky looked puzzled, seeming like he could not figure out why she suddenly mentioned his mum. He went quiet, trying to connect the dots. After a few minutes, Hyun Ae could see that something dawned on him—that her discovery of Ricky’s ‘secret’ actually began from a phone call with Ricky’s mum on a certain rainy evening.
Hyun Ae had been patient with Ricky’s silence, but as time passed, her patience was thinning. She felt agitation growing in her mind and heart, more so when Ricky only had his head down in response to her questions.
‘Why aren’t you answering!?’ Hyun Ae wanted to scream out of anger, but her sanity held her up. Above anything else, she disliked making a scene in public. She closed her eyes shut and fisted her shaking hands. A part of her was in disbelief that Ricky did not make any attempt to clarify, nor see that she was in agony. ‘Please speak, please!’
She felt like she was facing the Ricky whom she met on the bus on their first encounter three months ago. Timid, reluctant to meet her eyes, and constantly rubbing his right thumb against its adjacent index finger. If the then-Ricky made an effort to overcome the timidness, the person currently standing in front of her did not even say anything.
The current Ricky only had his head down, staring imminently at the asphalt of the park.
As if the gesture would answer Hyun Ae’s questions. Or offer peace to her messy mental state.
She had so many questions to ask, but would the other person answer?
Fighting the urge to succumb to her anger, Hyun Ae breathed out a heavy sigh. ‘There’s no use.’ Speaking to him was no use.
She gathered the courage once again, this time, to scan Ricky’s face. She had missed those eyebrows that furrowed ever so naturally. She had missed those deep black eyes, that had always looked at her, paying attention to anything that she was saying. That fringe that partially covered his eyes. Those small pair of lips.
“I just wanted you to know,” she spoke again in a small voice, prompting Ricky to look at her. To meet her eyes. “I missed you.”
She had meant it. Somehow, it came across her mind that they might not see each other again. Thinking about it choked her; she was afraid of such possibilities.
“I really did.” She lowered her gaze for a moment, weighing her next words. “Thank you for the walk tonight. Have a great day tomorrow.”
She turned around, made steps towards the entrance-exit of the park, and strode to leave. No farewell cheek kisses for the other person. No hugs. She could not bring herself to them.
At that moment, she only wanted one thing: to be alone.
After a few steps leaving the park, she did not hear hurried steps going after her. It was a telling that Ricky was not going after her. He was not grabbing her hand, stopping her in her tracks, explaining that it was all a mistake, and apologizing that it had hurt her.
Those were not happening. It was a bitter pill for Hyun Ae to swallow: that those scenes were not happening.
Had she felt hopeful that Ricky would run after her? At that state, Hyun Ae could not tell. All she could do was comfort herself, ‘Don’t cry. At least not here, please.’
Her eyes were glistening with tears that had threatened to go over the banks of her eyes. But she tried her best to hold them back. The least that she wanted was to be seen crying in public, even worse, by her neighbours.
She felt partly thankful that the park was within a walking distance of her apartment.
Her sight was blurred—all she could see were crystallized landscapes. But her body was set on autopilot mode, knowing where to go. She was already nearing her apartment block, all the time hoping that she would not stumble upon Mrs. Lee, the apartment’s landlady who lived just a floor below her. Or stumble into anyone, really. She was afraid that the other person would notice her gloomy face and teary eyes. She was afraid that she would burst into tears if someone pointed out her current state.
She arrived at her apartment unit. The hallway was dimly-lit, and she was thankful for it. Thankful that she was finally alone, and the dark space was all hers. She heaved a huge, throaty sigh. Having her back against the door, she slid down, squatted, and had her head engulfed in her palms and knees.
Her shoulders began to shake vigorously.
“Hyun?”
Hyun Ae flinched.
“Hyun-ah, is that you?”
She heard the voice again. She tried to gauge if she was imagining things. The voice was not a whisper, nor was it laced with concern. Which meant that the person was not seeing her current state. She also noticed that the voice had to be semi-shouted, indicating that the person was rather far, but still within her apartment unit.
The voice was followed by a few clutters, and a string of familiar sounding ‘ow’s. This time, Hyun Ae could locate them: they came from the direction of her kitchen-living room.
She recognized the voice. She knew that the string of ‘ow’s only belonged to one person. Hyun Ae did not wait for a second; she got to her feet and stormed to the said area. There, she saw the said person squatting in front of a kitchen cabinet that placed Hyun Ae’s cooking equipment. The door to the cabinet was open. Hyun Ae could see the person tending to the nails of her right hand.
The person was none other than Min, her best friend.
Min had her back to the kitchen door, which also meant that she was facing away from Hyun Ae who was already in the same room.
“Shin Hyun Ae!” Min yelled again, in protest, thinking that the said person was still far from the kitchen. “I’ve told you to never stack your pans this way. It’s hard to get one out, you know.”
Min blew on her fingers, muttering along the lines that she was thankful her nails were still intact. It seemed that she had slammed her fingers when she was getting a frying pan out.
“Hyun-ah!” Min called again as she was getting up—she still had her back towards the kitchen door, “Once you’re done with shower, let’s have a bulgogi party! It’s your—”
Min’s words were cut short when she was engulfed in a tight, back embrace. She was startled by the sudden hug, but was even more surprised when she heard sniffles from the other person. Min tried pulling her head back to take a look at Hyun Ae, but her best friend only buried her face deeper into the crook of Min’s neck, denying any access of sight.
“Hyun-ah, what’s wrong?” she asked. With much difficulty, she turned around within Hyun Ae’s tight hug. In a split moment, she could see Hyun Ae’s reddening face, cheeks smeared with tears, lips' ends down, and reddening nose. Min circled her arms around her friend’s body, letting Hyun Ae place her head on her shoulder. “What’s wrong, Hyun?”
In between continuous sniffles and sobs, Hyun Ae shook her head. Min took it as a sign that she did not want to speak at the moment. Or, as a matter of fact, was not able to speak.
Min rarely saw Hyun Ae cry. In fact, she never cried over little things. If she did, there had to be a huge matter to have such an impact on Hyun Ae. Min could not pinpoint the exact reason for Hyun Ae’s condition, but she could roughly guess that it was…
…Changhyun.
A few minutes had passed, but Hyun Ae’s sobs were barely subduing. In fact, they were becoming heavy that they made Hyun Ae frequently gasp for air.
Min’s heart fell at the other’s messy state. She could tell that her friend had kept the emotions to herself, and now they were pouring endlessly through the muffled sobs. At Hyun Ae’s sobbing, Min couldn’t help but tear up as well. It hurt her too, seeing Hyun Ae crying in such a way.
She buried her face into Hyun Ae’s hair and her back slowly. “Hyun, don’t hold back. Please.” ‘Let it all out, Hyun.’
And Hyun Ae did not hold back. She made the embrace tighter and cried her heart’s contents out on her friend’s shoulder.
5th September 2022, 00:10 GMT+8
[29.10.2021]
I just finished looking at the previous chapters and made a few additions and changes. I'm having a brief hiatus soon, but I'll try my best to post at least a chapter before November ends.
I just finished looking at the previous chapters and made a few additions and changes. I'm having a brief hiatus soon, but I'll try my best to post at least a chapter before November ends.
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