Fourteen
Ironic BindStirring from her sleep, Min opened her eyes. She took a few moments to process her surrounding. She was lying on a bed in a small room and had her back partly pressed against a wall, due to the limited space of the bed. The room she was currently occupying was hot. The only thing that offered air circulation in the space was a standing fan—even that was already set at the highest speed.
It had come to her that she was not in her dorm room. But she knew exactly where she was.
Min gazed at the window blinds opposite to her, trying to gauge the time by looking at the sunlight that was peeking through the blinds. Seeing how the sunlight was getting brighter, she assumed that it was 8 in the morning. She compared the light with a digital clock on the room’s study desk; the device showed an even exact time: 0815.
Then, she looked to her left. There was a person lying beside her. It was her best friend since their high school years, Shin Hyun Ae.
Careful not to wake her friend up, Min slowly scooted to get off the bed. She was drenched with sweat. As she was fanning her body with her T-shirt, she pushed open a window to let some air in, providing better air circulation in the room.
Her sight inevitably landed on Hyun Ae’s study desk that was placed against the window. Having known Hyun Ae for years, Min knew that the sitting position was her friend’s favourite. Even in all her school classes, Hyun Ae always picked the seat beside a window. Min also came over to Hyun Ae’s house countless times—when she was living with her grandparents—she even had a few sleepovers as well. She was used to seeing Hyun Ae’s neat space.
But at that moment, the study desk in front of the window did not reflect the usual tidiness.
There was a blue notebook laying carelessly on the study desk; Min immediately recognized it as Hyun Ae’s favourite notebook. She recalled events where her friend kept dragging her to bookstores every time they came across one. Just to see ranges of notebooks. And also novels on her wish list. Often, they stepped out of the bookstores with empty hands—Hyun Ae did not buy anything. Min had jokingly told her friend that if the latter ended up not buying anything, perhaps she should stop going to bookstores. Hyun Ae would only laugh it off, saying that she only wanted to compare the prices. A few months later, Min would receive joyful texts from her friend, saying that she had bought her wish-list novels at much lower prices. Such was Hyun Ae—she was always deliberate when it came to financial decisions. She was never hasty.
When Hyun Ae was asked why she never used her phone to take down notes, she answered that she preferred writing. At some points, there could be a lot of things in her head, but writing them all down made it easier for her. She also regarded ticking off to-do lists on a piece of paper as a sense of accomplishment. She said she was trying journaling since she entered university. Also on the same notebook.
Min picked up Hyun Ae’s blue notebook. She could tell that the book had been used religiously, but it was still in a good shape. When she turned it vertically, she noticed that some pages were bounded with a paper clip. Curious, her fingers went to the bound pages, unclipped the bind, and opened the pages.
She found herself gasping at what she was seeing. For a few moments, she remained unmoving and her hands stayed hovering in the air. She braved herself to flip each page. At each flip, she could feel a lump forming in , triggering tears to well in her eyes. She could feel the sincerity on each page. Min covered , afraid that she would release a sob in the midst of her discovery.
Min flipped to the last pages of the book, beyond the bounded pages. There were barely any writings from one week prior. The last page only displayed simple writings for the cleaning campaign on a previous Friday: about what shirt she should be wearing, what things she should be bringing, and tasks to be done as a committee member. After that, nothing else was written down.
Wiping the tears off her eyes, Min closed the book and turned to Hyun Ae. The said person was still fast asleep. Min took the chair at Hyun Ae’s study desk, placed it beside her friend’s side of bed, and sat beside her. She stared solemnly at her best friend.
Looking back, they started off as volunteer students. People would think that they were childhood friends, but in reality, they first met when they were first-year high school students. They did not even go to the same high school. Their first encounter was during charity work on a Sunday early morning. Min was never fond of such works, more so on a Sunday, when she usually woke up late. She came from a relatively well-paid family, but her parents were keen to make her learn about societal issues by having hands-on experiences. During her first encounter with Hyun Ae, Min initially saw the other as a plain girl, but Hyun Ae’s personality shone and gradually grew on her. Hyun Ae never feared being left alone, would jump up at anyone’s requests, and was also great at interacting with elders and peers.
Initially, Min chose to stick with Hyun Ae because they were the only peers in the volunteer work. And also because she would not do all the talking; she did not like interacting with strangers.
It was during the same volunteer work that both of them did not get a lunch pack because the ones prepared were not enough to cater for the whole volunteer group. Min remembered that she was already starving at that time, but other people were already enjoying their shares of lunch. She inwardly groaned at the situation, silently making scornful comments that they were not spared any lunch pack just because they were the youngest in the group. She believed that she had made her feelings apparent through her facial expressions.
Hyun Ae, on the other hand, remained positive about the mishap. Instead of staying hungry at the event’s venue, Hyun Ae invited Min over to her grandparents’ house. Min recalled how welcoming Hyun Ae’s Grandma was when Hyun Ae introduced her. Grandpa, on the other, was quieter. He only uttered a few words whenever necessary, but he was generous with smiles. The house was relatively smaller and more traditional than her house, but she felt warm there. She felt accepted. She was served a fulfilling lunch that day, and for once, she felt thankful that the lunch-pack mishap happened. Min was not used to difficult times, hence she was grateful for the warmth that she was receiving in Hyun Ae’s house. Through her conversations with Hyun Ae’s grandparents, she came to learn about Hyun Ae’s purpose in joining volunteer works. It was to be thankful for what they have and be attentive to what others do not have.
It soon became Min’s purpose of joining volunteer works as well. She found herself looking forward to more charity works, particularly with Hyun Ae. In fact, she became the one among the two who was more eager to search for volunteer works in their neighbourhood.
Min also knew about Jihoon, Hyun Ae’s boyfriend when she was in second-year high school. She knew about their relationship. Even though Hyun Ae rarely talked about it, Min knew full well how Hyun Ae cherished her relationship with Jihoon—she always kept Jihoon’s gifts with her (albeit not much) and her eyes always lit up and her shy smile appeared every time Jihoon’s name was brought up. Sadly, Min discovered their breakup a bit too late—two months after it happened! Sulking, she remembered crying to Hyun Ae, “Why didn’t you say anything!?” She had to hold herself from punching Hyun Ae’s shoulder. Hyun Ae had apologized to her, saying that she simply did not know how to break it to Min. It was also a busy period for exam preparations too.
When Min asked her if she was okay with the breakup, Hyun Ae silently stared at the empty space in front of them, before turning to Min. “Well, I can only wish for the best for him. Don’t you think it’s a wise solution for both of us?”
Back at Hyun Ae’s room in a single-occupant apartment, Min heaved a sigh at the string of memories. If she was asked to trade the whole world in exchange for Hyun Ae, she would not do it. Hyun Ae was a special friend. With her, she found the purpose of life. Hyun Ae was a companion for life, undoubtedly.
Min recounted the previous night’s events. With much difficulty and in between hiccups, Hyun Ae had told the occurrences within the past week, particularly after their lunch outing at the fried chicken restaurant. It was hard for Min to piece them all together but she could conclude that the events included a movie outing with Changhyun, a phone call with Changhyun’s mum, the notes on his phone, Park Aeri’s presence during the cleaning campaign on Friday, her encounter with Daniel and Chunji, and lastly, her confrontation with Changhyun.
Min listened to all of them. She chose not to interrupt. Her heart fell that she only came to know about them the previous night. In fact, since their lunch outing a week prior, Hyun Ae never answered her texts. Even for random ones. Min thought that it was because she was busy with the cleaning campaign on Friday. Nevertheless, she did feel guilty for the comment that she had made towards Changhyun during their last lunch outing.
Hence, she brought packs of bulgogi, marinated meat, to Hyun Ae’s house. She had planned to have a barbecue with Hyun Ae. It was her first time coming to Hyun Ae’s apartment—Hyun Ae had shared her spare key—since she had strict curfews in her university dorm.
Speaking about her university, Min had actually seen Changhyun in person before, specifically at the library campus. She was doing her research at the library’s computer station when she saw a male who looked familiar. The said male was sitting in a single desk-cubicle across the computer station, facing Min. It took Min a few minutes to recall who he was, and when she was able to locate it, she pulled out her phone and checked a picture that Hyun Ae had shared with her.
It was him. The person was Changhyun.
Instead of coming up to him and introducing herself as Hyun Ae’s best friend, she followed her guts to keep a distance and silently observe Changhyun. She did not know why she did that. She personally found it nonsensical, but something about the young man told her that he was worthy to be observed.
The very first thing she noticed: the young man was really fond of dark colours. And long sleeves, and long trousers. Personally, dark colours were the least of Min’s favourites, especially during spring and summer. Those seasons are meant to be cheerful, and being a Fashion student, she always believed that such vibrant seasons should be reflected in one’s outfits as well.
Even though the library was packed, and people were sitting in groups or pairs, Changhyun did not seem to bother and looked like he was contented enough to be in his own company. ‘Pretty much like Hyun Ae,’ Min mentally commented.
Min could not see what he was doing, but it seemed that he was absorbed with a book.
Something crossed her mind: what could a Vocal undergraduate be doing with studying a book? Min dared herself to come closer. She went to a nearby book rack behind Changhyun.
It turned out that Changhyun was not absorbed with a book, but rather, with his phone that was covered by a book.
What Min discovered afterwards was beyond her circle of expectations.
She saw Changhyun scrolling through pictures on his phone. It was not just any pictures. The digital photos showed a female and Changhyun on a few occasions, spanning from the year 2013 and below judging from the dates on top of the photos. Some pictures showed that they were in school uniforms, and some others showed them wearing casual outfits. Anyone could tell the intimacy between Changhyun and the female: wearing couple outfits, being pictured in close proximities, and even sharing a cup of ice cream.
But Min knew one thing: that the female in all those photos was not Hyun Ae.
Min could not bring herself to look further. She had to turn away before anyone noticed that she was peering at someone else’s phone. So many questions went through her head. Why was Changhyun scrolling through such pictures with a solemn look on his face? Was he reminiscing? But what for? He was in a relationship with Hyun Ae, right?
Even so, she could not find a way to break it to Hyun Ae. Plus, she could not confirm what she was seeing was true. What if the female in the picture was actually Changhyun’s sister? Or his close cousin? Hence, she resorted to giving hints to Hyun Ae during the last outing at the fried chicken restaurant: that she was not comfortable with Changhyun. It was not an excuse, it was what she truly felt. Hyun Ae had gone eerily quiet after the outing, even going as far as not replying to her texts.
Who knew it had escalated that way?
Min gazed at Hyun Ae’s sleeping face. Min always believed that a person looks the most peaceful when they are asleep, but at that moment, Hyun Ae did not look like it at all. Furrowed eyebrows, downward lips, dark circles that seemed to have deepened. In short, she was far from looking peaceful. Even in Hyun Ae’s sleeping state, she still looked sad. They were sharing a single-sized bed the previous night, making both of them huddle together in the narrow space. She remembered them going to bed without a blanket or comforter, but Hyun Ae asked for one, “Please take one from my wardrobe. I feel cold.” The room was scorching hot but she was still having a comforter covering her body that morning. Min could see that Hyun Ae was sweating, but even the sweats did not seem to disturb her.
Min never went through a heartbreaking event before, but she figured that Hyun Ae was feeling cold because she felt unloved, and not being paid attention to. Was it because of the previous night’s ‘betrayal’ as well? And could such reasons be related to Changhyun’s habit of wearing long-sleeved clothes all the time, even during summer? Because he was still hanging onto the past, adamantly searching for warmth from a certain person, hence he did not feel warm enough even though he was with Hyun Ae?
Min looked at Hyun Ae again, feeling sorry for the other for the umpteenth time. She felt sorry that her best friend had to go through such misery.
Did Changhyun know that Hyun Ae’s favourite sitting position in a room was beside a window? Was it in his knowledge that Hyun Ae’s favourite colour was royal blue? Did he always treat her to her favourite food, bulgogi? Did he know that Hyun Ae barely wrote anything in her favourite notebook in the past week?
Min was so lost in her thoughts that when she glanced at the digital clock, it was already 9 AM. Her stomach was grumbling, asking to be filled. Min stood up and quietly placed the chair in its original place. Then, she picked up Hyun Ae’s clothes that were scattered around the room. Any pieces that seemed to have been worn, she took them all.
Min stepped into the kitchen. She noticed Hyun Ae’s laundry basket was filled up. Min pulled it across the kitchen and put the dirty clothes into the washing machine. Min was well aware that Saturday was Hyun Ae’s laundry day, and Hyun Ae was strict about it. It was already Sunday but her laundry was not done yet. It showed how brain-fogged and distracted Hyun Ae had been.
Then, Min stepped to Hyun Ae’s fridge, opened it, and scanned for available ingredients for Hyun Ae and her breakfast that morning. She noticed two packs of instant rice and a few raw and boiled eggs in the fridge. She took and gathered them with the bulgogi that she had bought prior to heading to Hyun Ae’s apartment. Both Hyun Ae and her had gone to bed without having dinner the previous night. Despite so, Min could guess that Hyun Ae would not want to eat much that morning, but Min wanted to encourage her to eat so she went with her friend’s favourite food: beef porridge and rolled omelettes. She was not as good a cook as her best friend, but she learned cooking from Hyun Ae’s Grandma. She had been making the said food countless times too, so she was confident in producing them.
Min switched on the small radio on the dining table to let the morning DJ accompany her cooking. Time flew by. She was done with the porridge and was tending to rolled eggs on a pan when she heard a doorknob turning and the said door being pushed. Min turned around and saw her best friend.
Hyun Ae was standing at the kitchen door in her sweaty pyjamas. Even in a glance, Min noticed her deep eye bags, puffy eyes, swollen nose, and dishevelled hair that was finger-combed carelessly.
Hyun Ae was not looking at her though, her gaze stayed at the washing machine that was doing her laundry. “I just remembered I haven’t done laundry this week,” Hyun Ae croaked out, seeming to have realised that she had missed her weekly routine.
“That’s okay, Hyun. It’s not a lot anyway,” Min assured. She took two bowls and carefully scooped a bowl’s portion of porridge into each of them. “Go wash your face, and then we’ll eat. You need to have a fill, Hyun. You didn’t eat last night.”
Hyun Ae slowly nodded, before stepping to the kitchen sink to wash her face.
Seeing her favourite food being laid out and prepared by Min, Hyun Ae could not help but tear up. On normal days, she would be the ultimate judge of the food and best friend’s cooking skills to see if she had improved. She knew Min had tried re-enacting her Grandma’s versions of beef porridge and rolled eggs, but they never tasted the same with her cooking. Min would pout, saying that her versions would never be as tasty as Grandma’s. Not that Hyun Ae minded; she would enjoy any versions nonetheless. To assure her dejected friend, Hyun Ae would say things like, “I’m her grandchild, but I can’t even copy her versions to the smallest details. Who are you to be inherited such skills?” And then they would laugh together.
Min placed a cup of hot chocolate beside Hyun Ae. It was her daily morning drink and Min did not forget about it.
“Thank you, Min,” she uttered in a small voice. She could not imagine if Min was not around. Perhaps she would go through the day without having any meals, or without having her laundry done. Or anything, really.
Hyun Ae did not have any appetite to eat but she brought herself to have a few spoonfuls of porridge nonetheless, to show appreciation to Min for preparing their breakfast.
They did not speak. As if agreeing on it mutually, they simply appreciated each other’s presence in silence. The wordless air was instead filled in by the whirring of the washing machine and the songs that were played on the radio.
It was when Min placed a piece of rolled egg into Hyun Ae’s bowl did the latter decide to break the silence, “Min…”
Min looked up from her bowl. She saw Hyun Ae poking her chopsticks at the rolled egg that she just placed into Hyun Ae’s bowl. Even at a glance, Min could tell that the beef porridge portion in her friend’s bowl still looked relatively the same. Min paid no heed to the matter. She wanted to know what Hyun Ae was about to say.
Hyun Ae’s eyes stayed on her bowl. “I—I don’t know what I should do, Min. I don’t want to see him. But I want answers too. I feel like I need to let this thing out. I want him to know what I’m feeling. But at the same time, I don’t want to see him. As much as I want answers, I’m afraid that he will stay silent again,” she said, before covering with her hand. Her eyes became watery as she tried to hold back tears. “But, how…? I really don’t know what to do…”
Min’s eyes cast down to her own bowl. Then, something came across her mind. She stood up, muttered ‘hold on’ to her friend, and made her way to Hyun Ae’s room. Soon after, she reappeared and sat down in front of Hyun Ae. She pushed an item towards her friend, eventually placing it beside Hyun Ae’s bowl.
It was Hyun Ae’s blue notebook.
Hyun Ae stared at the notebook. Slowly, she took it, and rubbed the cover with her palm. It was at that moment that she realized that it had been a while since she wrote anything in the book—even her daily to-do lists were barely completed each day.
She missed the routine. Above all, she missed writing.
“Do what you always do, Hyun. You always say that writing helps you.”
For a few moments, Min let her friend process what she said. She could tell that the latter was lost in her thoughts—about what she should write, and how to get answers from a certain person.
Hyun Ae was gazing silently at her notebook when Min called, “Hyun-ah, allow me to ask you a question. You don’t have to answer right away. You may need all the time in this world to answer, okay?”
Hyun Ae cast her eyes away from her book and met Min’s eyes.
“Do you love him?”
Hyun Ae blinked, feeling confused at the unexpected question. After a few moments, she gave Min a small, but awkward nod.
“Do you?” Min repeated.
This time, Hyun Ae did not reply right away. The repeated question made Hyun Ae ponder. She realized that the nod she gave earlier was what she was perceiving subconsciously. That it should be the answer.
But did her heart agree with her? That was what Min questioned—about what she truly felt.
Hyun Ae found herself averting her eyes from Min, staring at her porridge instead, searching for the honesty in her heart.
Did she really love Ricky?
16th September 2022, 23:20 GMT+8
[29.10.2021]
I just finished looking at the previous chapters and made a few additions and changes. I'm having a brief hiatus soon, but I'll try my best to post at least a chapter before November ends.
I just finished looking at the previous chapters and made a few additions and changes. I'm having a brief hiatus soon, but I'll try my best to post at least a chapter before November ends.
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