(Youngjae's Perspective)

When Youngjae woke up that next morning, Daehyun wasn't in the bed. Considering what happened last night, he immediately rubbed the tired out of his eyes and clambered out of bed to find his boyfriend.

Just the thought of the state Daehyun had been in last night made Yongjae's heart clench and twist uncomfortably. There were no words from him after his quiet admittance, just choked out sobs and tears that stained Youngjae's shirt and the sheets below them. All he could do was try to soothe it away and hold Daehyun close while encouraging him to let it all out.

Daehyun eventually exhausted himself, but it took Youngjae a bit longer to get to sleep after Daehyun's body finally fell limp and his breathing slowed to signify he'd managed to find slumber.

It didn't take long to find him. Youngjae headed down the loft steps to go check the other bedrooms when he glanced out the window above the kitchen sink and saw Daehyun out on the deck, simply watching the lake below like he'd been doing while Youngjae was cooking dinner yesterday evening. He was filled with relief as he called to Daehyun from the sliding door, “There you are,” Youngjae did his best to stifle a yawn. “How long have you been up?”

“Long enough to watch the sunrise.” Daehyun's answer was quiet, a bit sniffly, as Youngjae joined him by where he was standing and leaning his palms against the railing. Daehyun readjusted, straightening himself up, taking in a deep, shuddery breath, and running his hands down his face and letting out a shakier exhale. Like he was trying to calm himself down while also trying to be inconspicuous about it. Something he hadn't succeeded in since Youngjae caught the puffiness around his eyes before he'd wiped away at his face.

Daehyun had been crying out here.

Youngjae's heart felt heavy at that thought, and he mentally buckled himself in for what was sure to be bumpy going. He gently rested a hand on Daehyun's shoulder and tried to get a better look at his face, but Youngjae got nothing more than a side profile thanks to Daehyun turning his face away. “Are you alright?”

As Youngjae patiently awaited a response, Daehyun's words from last night reverberated through his brain. I haven't been okay for a long time.

Daehyun's lips moved to form words but no sound came out. After a resigned sigh, he tried again and managed to stammer out some words. “I-I'll be f-fine. Y-you don't... You don't need to- to worry about me.” His hands settled back on the railing and his fingers twitched against the wood.

Youngjae rubbed his hand in a soothing circle against his shoulder. “My worry comes from the fact that I care about you, Daehyun.” He debated leaving it at that but decided against it. As much as he didn't want to pry, he had the feeling that not asking meant Daehyun would never get it out and would continue to allow himself to suffer through whatever plagued him alone. Swallowing up his personal distaste for unwarranted nosiness, Youngjae quietly asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Daehyun's body immediately seized up. “No!” His panicked outburst was at a volume level Youngjae didn't expect, but it was immediately followed by him hunching his shoulders and flinging his arms around himself, blunt nails digging into the skin of his biceps. “I-I mean um... I'm- Uh, It's- I'd-”

Youngjae successfully pried Daehyun's fingers away from how tightly he was holding himself and rested their hands together on the railing. As he gently rubbed his hands, Youngjae listened as Daehyun stammered out all sorts of false starts. But there were just too many thoughts that all wanted to come out at once to the point that he sounded like a broken record.

Daehyun eventually gave up on words with a shaky sigh, eyes downcast as he focused them on their joined hands.

Youngjae waited to speak until he was sure Daehyun wasn't going to. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“You... You already help. A-A lot more than you realize. Your presence... It- It reminds me that I'm not where I was before.” Daehyun took a deep and shaky breath to steady himself before continuing. “You're very patient with me, and... and I appreciate that more than I uh, know how to say... It hurts sometimes, though,” he admitted quietly.

Youngjae's mind wandered through the months they'd been dating, trying to figure out what he could've done that would've hurt Daehyun. The closest was that incident back in February, but that was entirely Jaebeom's fault and they'd come to an understanding on that. All Youngjae had ever tried to do was support him and show him that he cared...

Then it clicked that being treated kindly was what hurt him. Weren't the words he'd said indicative of that?

Youngjae was incredulous at the revelation. “Me caring about you hurts you?”

The speed that Daehyun spun around to face him was even more startling than how high he'd raised his voice a few minutes ago. “No, that's not-” He paused, eyes darting around in panic. “I mean yes? But- It's like, I think about... things. And it hurts me. Even things that shouldn't hurt? Like how happy I feel around you and the things we do together and-” Daehyun swallowed thickly in what appeared to be an attempt to stifle a sob. “I-I try to tell my brain to stop and just let me be happy! B-but it doesn't listen and it tells me things will be the same and everything starts to burn and next thing I know I'm panicking and-”

Daehyun's voice cracked, and he began to tremble with how hard he was trying to keep it all in. A few tears managed to slip out from the corner of his eyes, and anymore attempts at speech were met with a croaking sound before he'd press his lips back together tightly.

It was a sight that made Youngjae's heart ache in a way it had never hurt before, and he was pulling Daehyun against him instinctually. Youngjae rested Daehyun's head on his shoulder and encouraged him to hold him like he did last night. Then he wrapped his arms around Daehyun tightly, one hand carting through his hair and the other holding his trembling body as close as he could.

Daehyun didn't even bother to hold it in once his head was rested on Youngjae's shoulder. He let it out in the same manner that he did the night before. Clutching onto Youngjae like he was Daehyun's final lifeline, he sobbed until nothing else would come out.

Once he settled down into just shakes and sniffles, Daehyun found his voice, small and so very quiet. “I'm scared you'll be like her...”

“Her?”

There was a faint nod against Youngjae's neck. “My ex girlfriend... She um, she was...” Daehyun let out a tiny sigh and held Youngjae tighter instead of continuing his train of thought.

Youngjae didn't know whether it would be a good idea to inquire further since it was clear that even the thought of her was enough to send Daehyun's brain into a panic. But Daehyun's admittance meant that Youngjae was right in concluding that Daehyun was hurting because of his ex girlfriend. It must've been quite the leap for Daehyun to open himself up to a relationship again, and Youngjae absolutely refused to break that trust!

“If there's ever a time I make you feel the way she made you feel, please tell me so I can correct myself,” Youngjae requested.

Daehyun made a noise in affirmation. “There hasn't been a time so far,” he said, slowing down his speech so to keep the stuttering at bay. “The two of you aren't really similar? You've... been open with me from the start. No matter what I ask... That really puts my mind at ease when all it wants to do is panic.” He let out a shuddery breath. “She was always... She was very... secretive. Trying to get answers just made her mad, and the more I asked... the more effort she'd put into keeping me quiet. Even at just expressing concern for her wellbeing-”

Daehyun's voice cracked as his body went rigid. The slow, steady breathing against Youngjae's neck ceased, and Daehyun's chest started heaving like he was gasping for air and couldn't find it.

“Breathe with me, please.” Youngjae took a deep breath, felt Daehyun do the same in sharp spurts, and released it after a moment of holding it. He kept up this slower breathing rhythm, making sure Daehyun was focused on that and only that until he'd calmed down considerably and felt more like a human in his arms rather than a statue.

The only thing that disrupted the rhythm was Daehyun's choice to speak. “She was so secretive because she was cheating on me.” The words were muted and hesitant, and even though Yongguk had theorized this to be the case based on his own experiences, it still hurt to hear. “When I called her out on it and tried to leave, she spent a long time trying to convince me I'd made it up. I didn't have anywhere I could go, though. My parents took her side, and I didn't think Zelo would want anything to do with me after I hadn't spoken with him for so long...”

“I'm pretty sure Zelo would fight against the whole world for you, Daehyun.” Zelo had absolutely zero chill, after all.

Youngjae couldn't tell whether the response he got was a huff, a chuckle, or somewhere in between. “I don't doubt it. He's been ready to throw down since day one...” Daehyun let out a very tired sounding sigh and rested against Youngjae a while longer before releasing him and pulling back. Not far enough to be completely out of Youngjae's reach, so he was able to keep his hands on his biceps. Daehyun wiped the wetness from his eyes and his tear stained face. “I um... Thank you. For uh, listening to me? I-It still hurts but um... I-I think it was good to get some of it out.”

“You're welcome, and I'll listen whenever you need me to, Daehyun,” he offered. “I recommend seeking out a therapist, but whether or not you do is your choice. I'll support you either way.” There seemed to be a lot more going on behind the crumbled walls in Daehyun's brain, and Youngjae didn't want his lack of experience with whatever that was to get in the way of Daehyun's healing process.

“A therapist, huh...” Daehyun hummed as he twirled his fingers around, clearly giving the idea some thought.

“Don't feel like you have to,” Youngjae assured him. “It's an option you can take, and if you decide to, I'll support you however I can. But if you decide not to go that route, you'll still have my support.” Daehyun nodded and made a small noise in response. “How about we go in and get us some breakfast?”

“Do I have to eat? I-I don't exactly have much of an appetite right now...”

“Will you at least drink some orange juice?” Youngjae asked. “Or would that hurt your tongue?”

Daehyun confusedly blinked for a few moments. “Do... you have any apple juice?” he softly wondered. So orange juice was too strong for his tongue, duly noted.

“No, but there's milk and some leftover tea from the batch I made yesterday.”

“...Either is fine.”

--

Youngjae's had some time to mull things over alone, what with him dropping Daehyun off at work Sunday and it now being Youngjae's designated break on Monday.

Daehyun had been mostly calmed throughout the rest of the weekend, busying himself with trying to figure out what to make with a pile of yarn Zelo and Jongup had gotten him. Or when he took breaks from that, trying to wrap his head around soccer, which Youngjae did his best to explain to his boyfriend.

In the moment of when Daehyun was talking about his ex, Youngjae did his level best to remain calm and collected to help soothe his boyfriend through it. Also so Daehyun's innate ability to pick up on negative emotions wouldn't kick in and put him in even more distress.

'Probably something he learned to do because of how she treated him,' Youngjae lamented. 'I'll add it to the list of reasons why I hate someone I've never met!'

But now that he had time with the information alone, Youngjae was seething at the fact that such a person existed and had suffered zero repercussions for her actions! Daehyun might not have gone into specifics on those actions, but from what he did say coupled with the fact that he was clearly struggling with his memories of her, it was infuriating that she was off living life like she hadn't messed him up all kinds of bad!

That anger only grew at the reality that even Daehyun's parents were in the palms of his ex's hands. Or maybe she was in their palms? Maybe it was a mix of both? Either way, Youngjae felt like Zelo's hatred of that whole crew was entirely justified!

“Youngjae, you're fuming over there,” Yongguk pointed out. Youngjae was brought back into the current moment at hearing his friend's voice, and he proceeded to tear into his sandwich. “Yeah, definitely angry about something.”

“I didn't think it was possible for me to hate anybody, Yongguk,” Youngjae said through chews, covering his mouth because it was rude to talk with your mouth full.

He threw up his brows. “Hate is a strong word, Youngjae.”

Youngjae gulped down what remained of his bite with his drink. “I'm well aware.” His voice was slightly raspy since he'd spoken too soon after swallowing, so he cleared his throat before speaking again. He kept his voice down since there were other customers in the main area and Youngjae wasn't too keen on strangers being privy to his personal life. “But like, at no point have I ever got it in me to hate anybody. I don't hate the kids from my school days for picking on me. I don't hate my parents for not supporting my choices. I don't even hate the ex who shattered my confidence in dating. But I can genuinely say that I hate Daehyun's ex girlfriend and parents.”

“He must have opened up to you then,” he commented quietly before taking a slow sip from his own beverage.

“Yeah. A little bit, at least. It was definitely... very painful for him to do.” The recollection of Daehyun's breakdowns caused Youngjae's heart to seize momentarily, and he let out a deep sigh. “I've felt intensely happy feelings before, so it's not like I don't understand strong emotions. But this kind of severe hatred is foreign to me. And I don't know how to feel about it?”

Yongguk hummed in thought as he stared down into his drink. “Here's how I see it. The fact that you feel this strongly means you definitely care very much about Daehyun. Disliking someone who has hurt somebody you care about is a natural response,” he explained. “So long as you don't act out on it or let it define you as a person... then it's fine to feel that way. Take it as proof that you care. A lot. And when that hatred comes around, focus that energy into caring that much more.”

--

A/N:

me typing this up one-handed while eating some cereal: multitasking levels off the charts