(Daehyun's Perspective)

It didn't feel real.

“I like you.” Daehyun's entire body stiffened as the words left his mouth without permission. Panic began to take hold with its vice-like grip as he slapped a hand over his mouth in the futile attempt to shove the words back in. He hadn't planned on saying it out loud. He'd just felt so comfortable in that moment that it just slipped out without any thought!

“What?” Youngjae's reaction was barely a whisper, and Daehyun couldn't look at him. Couldn't look at the shock that had formed on his face as he felt crushed under the pressure of his own looming thoughts. Anywhere but at him as Daehyun's nerves churned and churned and churned around to the point where everything was spinning and he was losing his grip on himself.

Every time he opened his mouth to speak, he'd only manage a few syllables before his lungs were constricted and cut off his ability to make sounds momentarily. “I'm-” Choked up. “I'm sorr-” Throat closed. “I'm sorry, that-” Choking again. “That wasn't sup-” Another breath stopping constriction, but it clenched so tightly that it was like claws digging into his lungs. Tearing deeper with every squeeze, to the point where breathing hurt.

Days later, and Daehyun was still questioning if the things that have happened actually occurred or if he'd been dreaming and would soon wake up to find himself in the bad situations he dreamt up an escape from. Was this reality, or was it a subconscious part of his brain that was shielding him from where he actually was?

“Daehyun, it's okay.” Youngjae's voice was soft and gentle, the soothing tone settling a small portion of the anxiety that was chipping away at Daehyun's ability to breathe and think. “You don't have to apologize for having feelings.”

Despite the grip on his lungs lessening, his voice continued to fail him. Daehyun's mouth would open, but no sound would come out. He set the fragile cup in his hands to the little table beside him, worried about shattering it because of how his fingers had tensed up. The desire to scratch at his cheeks pulsed through him, and Daehyun shifted to sit on his hands so he wouldn't give in to the compulsive behaviour. If there was any time he would rake his blunt nails down his cheeks enough to cause damage, it would be now, while his nerves were shot to the point where he couldn't feel his body.

“Will you look at me?” When Daehyun didn't make a move, still rigid to the point where movement was painful, Youngjae added on, “Or at least in my general direction?”

Every part of him was petrified that when the next day came, he'd wake up only to realize he was in Sunhwa's bed and still trapped in that prison that he'd willingly stepped into. That it'd be back to the reality of not being able to make his own choices... Back to the mix of being ignored then yelled at for spacing out... Back to being shoved around and forced into things when all he wanted to do was run...

After a few flickers back and forth, Daehyun settled his eyes on Youngjae's tea cup up by the sheet music. When their eyes had met earlier, it had overwhelmed him to the point where his heart burned and he'd forgotten to breathe. If he accompanied that with his current state...

“You honestly caught me off guard with that confession,” Youngjae admitted as he rubbed his neck, a chuckle passing through his lips. “I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to formulate my words properly so I could tell you how I feel. So...”

When Youngjae's eyes curved into gentle crescents, dimples prominent as he grinned like he'd never known what it was to frown, Daehyun's heart fluttered wildly and his breath hitched in a different manner than the lung constricting anxiety that was slowly subsiding. How was he the reason that Youngjae looked like he was on top of the world?

Another part of him was terrified that he'd open his eyes to see the roof of his car or the night sky. Back to finding little solace in the fact that he was no longer bound to Sunhwa and instead worried about how he was going to survive for another day. Physically able to do as he pleased but mentally being dragged down by years of conditioning.

“I like you, too, Daehyun! I'm glad you feel the same about me...” Youngjae said those words, and Daehyun dared to look at him. Every bit of Youngjae's face smiled, and it was so enchanting that Daehyun forgot himself momentarily.

So bright, like twinkling stars that guide the lost on their way back home...

Daehyun's lips curved up, and he didn't miss how Youngjae perked up at that. The constriction that had wrapped around his core lessened to the point where he was finally able to make sound again. “I'm uh... I'm relieved to hear that.”

But it was real.

Whenever he opened his eyes to see the apartment ceiling, relief washed over him. Even if this apartment had once belonged to the man who Sunhwa had cheated on him with, it was still a better alternative than where Daehyun had been in the past. The mostly empty apartment, filled with the few things it came with and boxes Daehyun hadn't bothered to unpack since he didn't have anywhere to put his belongings, symbolized he was past those days and moving forward.

The things he'd gone through were very much real.

He had broken off the five year relationship with the woman who held control of him with words and actions that demanded obedience. She tried to the very end to convince him that he was making up her infidelity, but he knew better.

Once she realized he was standing firm in his decision, she kicked him out with no warning.

He had actually called Zelo and been set up with a place after two weeks of living out of his car. Zelo had accepted him back into his life with open arms and a thirst for vengeance that Daehyun begged he suppress.

Daehyun had dropped out of medical school and incurred a massive debt with his parents that would take him years to pay off.

He had come to the terrifying realization of his growing feelings for the talented pianist downstairs. Nudged by both Zelo and Hyosung, he'd accepted those feelings as a step in the right direction and decided to see where the fondness would take him.

Daehyun had confessed those feelings in a moment of vulnerability, feelings that were gleefully reciprocated.

Jung Daehyun had a boyfriend!

Despite the elation he felt from that, his thoughts urged him towards unpleasant tangents. That nagging that told him he better keep himself in line because once Youngjae saw him for the mess he was, there's no way he wouldn't leave. Youngjae would eventually find the same reason Sunhwa found and would want nothing to do with him. It was just a matter of time...

His heart wanted to believe Youngjae wouldn't do that, but his mind was bent on convincing him otherwise. The more he tried to contradict it, the more it shoved back.

Keeping his hands and mind busy was even more of a priority thanks to these new, unwanted thoughts. Daehyun was finally managing to grasp onto some happiness in his life, but his mind was set on working against him, like it didn't want him to be happy.

'I want to be happy, and if I have to suffer through my mind's constant nitpicking of how things will go wrong and cause me pain, then that's what I have to do.'

He'd rather find something to mute it, though. If he could make his brain concentrate on something else, then it wouldn't have the time to pester him. Once he was focused on a task, that's all he was until he completed it or set it down for later. So if he found something to occupy himself with until he went to work, or up to Zelo's, or down to Youngjae's, then those pessimistic thoughts would be drowned out.

Daehyun just had to find something that would fit his criteria.

--

“This is so much harder without a ladle,” came the grumble from the kitchen. “What am I supposed to do, dip the cup in now? Maybe a regular spoon will work...” With an exasperated sigh, the sounds of kitchen drawers and silverware clanking signified Youngjae's current mission.

Youngjae had lamented when Daehyun first arrived to his apartment that his ladle had broke while he was washing it. Whether this meant a crack that prevented it from holding liquids like it should or that the cup part of the ladle had fallen off and was unable to be reattached, Daehyun wasn't sure. What he was sure of was that Youngjae relied heavily on that ladle for his tea drinking needs, so this was a tragedy for him.

Currently, he was trying to get some tea ready before piano time like he always did, now with the added complication of not having his trusty ladle to do so.

“You could uh, try pouring it into the cup instead?” Daehyun offered from his usual spot, needing to speak a bit louder so Youngjae could clearly hear him. Why Youngjae didn't just pour it from the pitcher, Daehyun didn't know, but he was the last person in the world who would judge for weird quirks like an aversion to pouring things. After all, he refused to use toasters because they scared him.

“The pot doesn't have a spout, so I'd just end up making a huge mess by spilling tea everywhere,” Youngjae explained.

The... pot? He keeps the tea in the pot after he makes it? He doesn't transfer it to a pitcher? No wonder he's so dependent on that ladle... “You- Why don't you use a pitcher?”

“A what?”

“Um... a pitcher?” How do you describe a pitcher to someone who doesn't know what one is? Daehyun tapped into his inner waiter for the task. “Um, you know how at restaurants, the servers sometimes have those... containers where they refill your drink?”

“Oh, the giant cups!”

'I- Well, I guess he's not wrong...?' “Uh... y-yeah. Those things. Why don't you use one of those?”

“I don't own one,” he responded simply. “I don't need a giant cup to drink from.”

'To... drink... from...' Trying to wrap his head around this jammed up the cogs in his brain, and Daehyun couldn't form words for a few minutes while he tried to gain an inkling of understanding. The man who drank tea over all else didn't own a pitcher for his favourite drink because he thought it was a giant cup...? “It's- Those are made for pouring? Not for um, drinking?”

“Oh,” he sighed, and Daehyun didn't understand why Youngjae sounded so disappointed by this. “I'd probably benefit from one of those then.” Youngjae marched in from the kitchen and carefully handed a filled cup to Daehyun before he settled into his spot in front of the piano. “That'll have to wait until my paycheck next week. Same with getting a new ladle,” he declared after a steady sip from his cup, then he began to thumb through his music sheet folder.

Daehyun was inwardly thankful the dynamic between them hadn't shifted terribly since their shared decision to see where their feelings would lead. Moving into things slowly was ideal and allowed him the freedom to decide what he was comfortable with. His first goal was getting more comfortable with looking at him, which hadn't been too much of a problem so far. Once Youngjae began to play, Daehyun's mind was able to quiet down to the point that he wasn't bothered by any nagging thoughts.

This was the exact type of mindset he wanted his brain to default to rather than the panicking it was prone to doing. He contemplated whether pulling out his laptop and downloading music would be a suitable way to get out of his head. Or would that lead to just being stuck in his head with musical accompaniment?

He wasn't even sure if the apartment complex had internet. His laptop had only been used for school and also searching apartment listings when he first began his quest to move out, so he hadn't pulled it out since he'd moved here. Since he no longer had to do those things, what else could he use it for?

If this place had internet, he could always just look up hobby lists online to see if anything piqued his interest? The internet had so much on it that he was bound to find something that he could get into...

He was making the mental note to do that later when, during a pause where he was flipping to the next song, Youngjae asked, “What are you thinking about so intently over there?”

“Oh, um... Hobbies,” Daehyun answered slowly, playing with the rim of the cup in his hands. When Youngjae raised a brow in further question, he elaborated, “Um, more specifically, what I could do as one.”

He nodded his understanding before returning to playing. “Well, what sort of things have you done before?”

“I uh- I actually used to make charm bracelets? During my junior high and early high school days, I made quite a few.” A bit of a smile formed as he recalled the process. It required a lot of focus to make sure things went well, but he was always filled with accomplishment when he completed one. “I never really... gave them out to people, so I just had this... collection of bracelets that I didn't know what to do with. I um... did give one to Zelo, though.”

'I wonder if he still has it?'

“Is it the baby blue one with the glittery beads?”

“Um, yeah. That's the one.” Well, if Youngjae knew about it, then Zelo must still have it somewhere, even if he doesn't wear it.

“I've seen him wear it before. He mainly wears it when he wants good things to happen. Like a good luck charm of sorts,” Youngjae explained. “That's what he's told me, anyway.”

'A good luck charm, huh?' That thought put a smile on Daehyun's face, and he happily took a sip from his tea. With how long ago he'd made it, and how much Zelo's grown since then, Daehyun applauded his foresight to fit that bracelet with an adjustable clasp when he'd had to repair it. Zelo had been so devastated at it breaking, Daehyun figured it being unable to fit would be just as much of a tragedy, and seeing his best friend in tears wasn't something he wanted to repeat.

“You could always start making bracelets again,” Youngjae suggested. “I don't know a lot about it, but I'm pretty sure the materials are cheap.”

Daehyun stared down into his drink. “Well, they are depending on the type and size you get, how much you get at a time... But the problem is that, uh... making bracelets isn't very... practical.”

Given that he hadn't known what to do with the bracelets he made other than store them in a box he hid in his nightstand that mysteriously disappeared when he was moved in with Sunhwa, the likelihood that he could figure that out now was slim. Sure he could give some to Zelo, he'd probably be thrilled to have some accessories to match with his outfits, but then what? Daehyun would feel weird giving them to other people, and he wouldn't wear them himself...

“Does it need to be practical? So long as it's fun for you, then it's a worthwhile hobby, right?”

Youngjae glanced over at him, and Daehyun hid a nervous chuckle behind another sip of tea. “If it's something practical, then I can... justify spending the money.”

“Something practical...” he mumbled. Youngjae's lips pouted out and moved around, and Daehyun found himself staring at the faces he was pulling. When he finished the current song, rather than turn the page, he cracked his knuckles and hummed his thinking process. With a quick clap that made Daehyun jump and nearly spill tea on himself, he cheerily declared, “You could always try crocheting!”

“...Crocheting?”

“Or knitting, but yeah!” he exclaimed, a bright smile decorating his face. “You can make all sorts of practical things, and you can get the materials pretty cheap, too!”

Well, cheap and practical was exactly what Daehyun was looking for! “...How do you know this?”

“Grandma Bang,” he answered proudly, and he settled back into playing with an air of accomplishment surrounding him. “Not really my grandma, but may as well be with how often I was over at my friend's house. She crocheted all sorts of stuff for both the house and for her grandkids. Potholders, gloves, scarves, hats, blankets...”

“That... sounds perfect, actually. Um, thank you for the idea. I'll look into it,” I decided happily.

“You're welcome! I just hope it ends up being what you're looking for.”

Depending on how cheap, it very well could be. Being able to make practical house things or clothing would definitely save him money in the long run. Not only would he be saving money, he'd be keeping both his mind and hands busy! Daehyun altered his mental note from earlier to instead just look up things about crocheting rather than hobby lists.

A blaring, generic ringtone sounded out, causing Youngjae to cease his playing and pull his phone from his pocket. “I was expecting this call sooner or later.” He sighed and flashed an apologetic grin Daehyun's way. “I'm sorry, but I have to take this, or she'll keep on calling until I answer.”

Daehyun nodded his understanding and watched as Youngjae slipped off the bench and began to pace around his living room, phone held to his ear. “Hey, Umma...” He rubbed at the back of his head, and Daehyun thought that Youngjae sound too pleased to be hearing from his umma.

He tried his best not to eavesdrop, but there wasn't too much else he could put his attention on. So, while sipping at his tea, Daehyun reluctantly picked up on bits and pieces of of the call.

“No, I can't come down this weekend. I had to take off some time at the beginning of the month- Yeah, I know you want to celebrate my birthday but I can't help that I can't take anymore time off this month, I got sick...”

Daehyun's ears perked up. 'Oh? His birthday's this weekend? To be a good boyfriend, I should do something nice for him on his birthday... right? Or would it still be too early in the relationship for something like that?'

Flashes of when he'd tried to something for Sunhwa's birthday pricked at his thoughts, things that were never appreciated for whatever reason, and he glanced down into his tea dejectedly. The last time he'd done something for someone's birthday that was received well was for Zelo, and that was back in his last year of high school. He and Umma Choi had worked together to get Zelo a high end makeup set, and he'd wanted to bust into that as soon as he'd opened it. He dragged Daehyun off to try out the swatches while Umma Choi made the birthday cake...

Daehyun got out of his thoughts right around the time Youngjae stopped in his tracks. For the first time in Daehyun's memory, he saw him frown. “Umma, if the next words that leave your mouth are 'a nice girl', then I'm hanging up the phone.” He tapped his foot impatiently and quirked a brow up in challenge to someone who couldn't actually see him. A tense silence filled the room, and Daehyun hid his discomfort by drinking up the rest of his tea.

As quick as it happened, he softened up and sighed, “Thank you, Umma. Goodbye.” After slipping his phone into his pocket, he clapped his hands together and took a deep breath in what Daehyun could only assume was a move to calm himself before he plopped back down in front of the piano. “Sorry about that. It's hard for me to ignore calls from my Umma. She calls until I answer, no matter how many tries it takes.”

Youngjae's smile was apologetic, but Daehyun was just relieved to see him smiling again. “It's fine,” he assured, setting his empty cup onto the little table next to the piano. Daehyun wasn't too sure what was alright to comment on, so he went with what he hoped was the safer option. “Um- So, your birthday is this weekend?”

“No, my birthday's actually on Tuesday,” he corrected as he cracked his knuckles. “My parents work the weekdays, though, so they were saying that they wanted to do something for me this weekend.” Youngjae started from the beginning of the song his umma's call had interrupted, and Daehyun guessed from the tone of his voice that the thought of celebrating his birthday with his parents was a hassle.

Daehyun thought that parents wanting to do something for their child on their birthday would be a good thing, but maybe that stemmed from the fact that he never got anything from his own parents other than the reminder that he was a year older? While his parents never did anything for him, he did get a small celebration with Zelo and Umma Choi up until he'd left, and those had always been enjoyable...

“But you can't get the time off for it?”

“It's not just that,” he explained. “Well, It's true that I can't take more time off this month, but there's more to it than that. As soon as Umma got on the tangent about inviting family friends over, I knew where she was going with it. So I shut it down.” He shrugged, clearly unbothered by the situation, before flipping to the next song.

While he didn't want to make an indication that he'd been listening to Youngjae's conversation, the seething words of 'if the next words that leave your mouth are a nice girl' stuck with him, and Daehyun knew that if he didn't say something now, they'd poke at his brain endlessly. “Do they uh- Does your umma not know that uh... that you're gay, and um...” he fumbled with his fingers in his lap, twirling them around like a rotisserie machine. “That you have a boyfriend?” Those last words tapered off in a higher, more nervous pitch.

“They know I'm gay and both say that they support me, but it's hard to think that when they're constantly trying to set me up with a girl.”

The sadness in the smile he showed struck a chord in Daehyun's soul. He could relate to that feeling of having one's preferences undermined, but it wasn't quite in the same kind of way. Having parents who said they supported just to turn around and contradict that honestly seemed worse to Daehyun than parents who never showed their love.

Youngjae fumbled with his playing and elected to stop altogether. Daehyun was about to apologize for bringing up a sensitive topic when Youngjae continued, “I haven't told them that I have a boyfriend because every time I have, it always ends up in an argument and them still doing as they please even though I tell them not to. It's not worth my time to always argue with them, so I don't. They'll either accept it one day, or they won't. Either way, their choices aren't my problem to worry about.”

There was something freeing about the way Youngjae said those words. Being able to speak his mind so openly must be liberating...

Quietly, a chuckle sounded between them as Youngjae began to press at the piano keys again. “I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to go off like that,” he admitted softly.

“It's okay.” Daehyun offered him a smile that he hoped would soothe away any worries Youngjae was feeling. “I um... I admire that about you. Your uh, passion... and how easily you speak your mind.”

Youngjae's demeanor brightened, and a gentle laugh escaped his lungs and through his upturned lips. “I'm relieved to hear that! I was worried that I was being too upfront about it. Sometimes I just end up talking without really thinking about it...”

“I don't think that's a bad thing.”

In fact, it was a rather appealing trait for Daehyun! Youngjae's willingness to be so open reassured his nagging brain that Youngjae wasn't the kind of man to hide things. So long as Daehyun asked, it seemed like Youngjae would answer.

But he was also baffled by it because he wasn't sure what he'd done to earn that kind of trust. Whatever the case was, Daehyun would do his best to not forsake it!

--

A/N:

It's technically Sunday for me. 3 am Sunday morning is still Sunday folks.