(Daehyun's Perspective)

“You look like the kind of guy who's hurting somewhere, deep on the inside,” the man declared. Despite the firmness in his tone, it was gentle and muted, like he was speaking softly either out of consideration or worry of being too loud. Maybe it was a bit of both, but whatever the reason, it soothed Daehyun regardless of the fact he'd hit the nail on the head first try with his words.

Daehyun stared down at the lake below, fingers twirling around and watching as boats cruised along with their passengers. As the setting sun reflected against the almost still lakefront, a strange feeling settled over him as he let his eyes slip closed. Almost tranquil, but still panicked in what he should be doing. Only one other place had given him a feeling like this, a place Daehyun frequented daily during his car days. The last time he'd been there, he'd called Zelo, nearly in tears, and took that first step into getting his life back together.

Was it a sign that this feeling is familiar?

“You tell yourself that, believing that if you say it enough, maybe it'll be true one day,” he responded, almost sadly, once Daehyun had politely told him that he was fine. “I know I'm a stranger to you at this point, but... I get it. Telling yourself you're fine when you're really not... Distracting yourself from your thoughts because they're too painful... That's... It's somewhere I've been before.”

Daehyun wasn't keen on telling him he was spot on, but he didn't have to. He was able to read that without Daehyun having to utter a word.

He'd introduced himself as Bang Yongguk shortly after Youngjae had gotten up to answer his umma's persistent calls. Youngjae wasn't wrong when he said Yongguk was nothing like he outwardly portrayed himself. An exterior that could be considered delinquent if he didn't exude this overly caring feeling.

Daehyun had been trying to decide how to go about telling Youngjae what it was that plagued him so deeply for the past few weeks, but every time he opened his mouth to talk about it, he froze up. Gripped with an overwhelming sense of dread that robbed the breath right out of his lungs. Something Youngjae picked up on, but thankfully didn't pry into.

If Yongguk's words were anything to go by, that was just how Youngjae was.

Yongguk had said that he was able to pick out the mannerisms Daehyun showed not just because of his own personal experiences, but also because of conversations he's had with Youngjae. Which meant that Youngjae was aware that Daehyun was hurting despite his attempts to keep it concealed.

The rambling thoughts of Daehyun's brain, of wondering just what Youngjae had said that would lead his friend to such an accurate conclusion, were stilled by Yongguk's gentle reassurance, “He's never said anything bad. Just that he's curious about what's on your mind all the time and why it hurts you so badly...” With a slight smile, he added, “And what he can do to help...”

“Then wouldn't he- Why hasn't he... Um- Why wouldn't he bring that up... to me?” Daehyun asked.

“He won't pry into things that aren't his personal business. That's just the kind of guy he is,” Yongguk said. “He'll be curious about it, but he'll never ask more about what's going on because he doesn't want to overstep boundaries. The last thing he wants to do is make anybody uncomfortable, and asking about it would clearly make you uncomfortable if your countenance right now is anything to go by.”

Once again, Yongguk wasn't wrong. Of course it was uncomfortable to think about, which was precisely why Daehyun tried to distract himself from it at every turn! “So, uh... he won't- He's not going to ask unless I uh...” A thick gulp to clear down the nervousness at just the idea of his next words. “...Unless I tell him?”

“Precisely.”

Knowing that Youngjae was at least semi aware of his struggles, in the sense that his boyfriend knew he was hurting just not how it came to be that way, made Daehyun feel weird at first. He didn't like the idea that he was so transparent to one of the main people he was trying to hide that part of him from. That fear of being perceived as a mess and possibly left behind because of it was nothing less than petrifying!

Now that he's had a few weeks to think about it completely, the weird feeling was replaced with something akin to relief. Even in knowing that Daehyun was hurting, Youngjae still insisted on being a positive presence in his life. Thinking about it that way, Daehyun was a bit more okay with it.

Daehyun leaned his weight a bit more onto the railing and let out a heavy exhale. In putting more thought into it, hadn't Youngjae been asking this whole time about those painful things? He just wasn't using those words, so it wasn't obvious to Daehyun.

When Daehyun found himself trying to shove away those negative thoughts, Youngjae always asked what was on his mind. Something Daehyun had always written off as small talk, but given that he never pried when he was given a vague answer that didn't answer his question, Daehyun suspected it was something else.

Reassurance, of sorts. That if Daehyun wanted to talk about it, whether it was when he asked or at some other point in the future, he'd listen with open ears. Based on how patient Youngjae was with him at every turn, Daehyun wanted to tell him, but...

Daehyun thought that maybe trying to explain it to someone who seemed to understand would help him pinpoint the direction he should take. “I- All I want to do is forget about it. Being around Youngjae helps that. A lot! But- But I-” Nervously, Daehyun his lips, bottom one chapped from constant gnawing when he was alone. “My brain- It keeps on trying to tell me... things will just- that they'll end up the same, you know?”

“And you battle it to the point of mental exhaustion because all you want is to be happy,” Yongguk concluded with a solemn nod.

Daehyun frowned in response, not sure if he should be relieved that someone understood, or if he should be upset that things like this happened enough for a bond of understanding to be formed between two people who shouldn't have been wronged in the first place.

When did it get to the point where Daehyun thought he didn't deserve how he'd been treated? When had it turned from him trying to confusedly figure out what he'd done wrong to him wondering if he'd even done anything wrong in the first place? Was it because he now had something to compare those times to that he realized the things he endured weren't normal like he was always told they were?

“I'll give you the same words my Gram offered. She told me that we can't erase the past, no matter how hard we try. All we can do is accept that it happened, that it's a part of us, and move on from it.” Yongguk recalled. “People can't help if they don't know what's wrong, she told me.”

“That makes it sound... easy.”

“It wasn't, it still isn't, and I doubt it ever will be,” Yongguk responded gently. “It's never easy to accept pain, to accept that you've been hurt in a way you didn't deserve. But... with the right people around, healing will happen. It just takes time.”

Daehyun would like to think he'd found people who classified as 'right', and it's not like he hadn't been getting better. He could hold a casual conversation with minimal panic depending on the topic and situation, and he had people constantly looking after him. In that sense, so long as kept on, he'd end up better in the long run.

After all, without the right people around, he wouldn't even be at the point he was at now! Rather than trying to figure things out alone, he was more willing to ask for help if he needed it. Like he had to do before he'd even met Yongguk and before he'd even ended up on the idea of figuring out how to open up to Youngjae.

Daehyun's first thought was that he'd be a disaster. Everything would end up a disaster because he hadn't initiated an actual date since... ever, actually, and didn't have a good grasp on how to take the lead in a date.

But of course, he always found himself getting so comfortable around Youngjae which led to him saying things without thinking about them and next thing he knew, Daehyun was knocking on Zelo's door for advice because who didn't go to their best friend for advice?

He answered the door just about immediately, so he was either about to leave or had just gotten back from something. “Oh hey, hyung,” he greeted, already grabbing Daehyun's arm to pull him into the apartment. “I was actually just about to come get you. I need some help with something.”

Daehyun decided to shelf his worries for the moment and bring them up once he'd helped Zelo with whatever dilemma he was facing. “I uh, I'll try to help however I can, but um... I'm not too sure how good of help I'll be.”

“You'll do just fine, hyung,” Zelo assured, waving off Daehyun's hesitance with a few flicks of his wrist. “I just need a model for a look for class.” Daehyun must've had a look on his face because Zelo quickly tacked on, “Not in front of the class, I just need to get the look down before working with the class model.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah, I can help with that.”

In hindsight, helping Zelo with that makeup look on a work day was risky. Daehyun was almost late to work because he had to wash it off before clocking in, and he still hadn't managed to get all the glitter on his lids off, even if it was only the teeniest bits for accentuating. Thankfully, Hyosung hadn't questioned it, but Daehyun elected not to help on a work day again unless it was in the early morning.

Despite that, though, it was still decent time spent with his best friend and friend by association.

Daehyun closed his eyes for the process since it was easier that way. He might not have indication when something was going to happen, but Zelo assured that he'd talk Daehyun through his actions. “Alright, I've put the primer on my fingers and I'm about to rub it into your skin.” Moments later, he was doing just that. “So what brought you up here, hyung?”

“Hm?”

“Just wanting to chat and hang? Or did you need something?”

Daehyun brought his focus away from the fingers massaging his face and recalled why he'd come up in the first place. “How do you date, Zelo?”

Zelo's actions paused momentarily before got back to it. “Isn't it a bit late to be asking me that, hyung? You and Jae hyung have been dating for a few ing months now.”

“Well uh, he's normally the one who does the... the... initiating?” Daehyun stammered. “He starts it and I- and I go along with it. And that's fine! I'm um... I'm definitely fine with that. I prefer it, actually...”

Zelo's hands stopped working and he mumbled something about Daehyun's skin being even enough to skip the foundation step before inquiring, “Normally? Daehyun, what the did you do? Also, about to dab some concealer on you.”

Daehyun flinched at the tiny touches but tried to disregard them. “I uh, I may have um...” He gulped down the nervousness as best he could as Zelo began to blend the few spots he'd dabbed. “I told him I wanted to take him out on a date,” he admitted quietly.

“You took the initiative this time?”

“Uh, yeah... I um... The words were out of my mouth before I could really do anything about it...” Daehyun sighed. “He has that effect on me. Just... shuts my brain off and I forget to think a-and... I'm not too sure how to- how I should feel about that?”

“I think it's a good thing, hyung!” Zelo declared happily. “It'll do you some real good to get out of your ing head, ya know?” Some professional sounding makeup mumbles from him, and he forewarned about dusting some blush.

Right after he set to do that, the door opened, and it sounded like plastic bags rustling around as the door was closed. “Oh, you already got him up here,” Jongup commented. “You didn't even have to bribe him like you thought.”

“What's this about bribing?” Daehyun wondered cautiously.

“Absolutely nothing, hyung!” Zelo assured, patting Daehyun's cheeks with his fingers a bit. “Keep your eyes closed. I'm about to mess around with eyeshadow.”

It turned out that Zelo was worried Daehyun would be less likely to help him with makeup since he had to go to work that evening. The bribery was in the form yarn to fuel his crocheting hobby, and he'd had Jongup go pick up some skeins for Daehyun in exchange for his help. Jongup had returned with five different skeins of various colours as well as some milkshakes for the three of them.

After Jongup had delivered a plastic bag of yarn to Daehyun's feet and a vanilla milkshake to his hand, he settled onto the couch next to Daehyun. Given that he was tiny, he didn't even come close to where Daehyun was sitting in the center of the couch.

Zelo took a drawn out sip from his milkshake, or at least that's what Daehyun guessed happened because he had been ordered to close his eyes again. “So what brings you up here this noon time, Daehyun hyung?” Jongup wondered.

“Dating crisis,” Zelo piped up. “Coming at you with some eyeshadow.”

“It's not a crisis!” Daehyun whined as he tried not to flinch so Zelo could do his work. “I mean, um, it kind of is because I'm panicking about it but... I just, uh... Advice?”

Jongup hummed idly as he sipped from his milkshake. “Zelo's probably the worst to go to for advice on that. He's never dated anybody in his life.”

“Neither have you!”

“Not true, I had a girlfriend in high school.”

“For like, one ing week dude. Calm down.”

“It's still more experience than you,” Jongup pointed out.

Zelo huffed, a sure sign that he'd lost whatever battle he and Jongup had just been having. “So what we're saying is... You've got the most experience, hyung.” he declared, then tacked on with a mumble, “ing somehow...”

“Aw Zelo, that's rude.”

“I mean, he's not wrong? I'm just as confused about it as he is,” Daehyun admitted. “I'm- I'm a disaster with these things. How I've managed to... to not... mess up somehow is... It's beyond me.”

“You kind of sound like Youngjae hyung when you say that,” Jongup said. “He freaks out about things way more than he lets on.” Daehyun found that hard to believe, but according to Hyosung's teachings, even the most confident person had their worries... If you carried yourself a certain way, people would be none the wiser to inner turmoil. Something Youngjae seemed to be good at, apparently?

He also hoped it wasn't because Youngjae led a life similar to the type he had...

Zelo kind of chuckled. “You remember that one time you texted me about the weird thuds you were hearing from my apartment?” Despite asking Daehyun the question, Zelo gave him no choice to answer. “That was apparently Jae hyung flopping around because he didn't know how to handle liking you when he was oh so certain you were straight.”

“But I'm- I'm not sure of a lot of things, but uh, I know I'm...” Daehyun paused to settle his nerves. Talking about his preferences out loud had never been easy for him, so it took some psyching up before he could declare,“I'm not straight...”

“Oh, I know, and I ing told him that,” he snorted. “Then a day later you two started dating, so uh, you're ing welcome, hyung!”

Daehyun drummed his fingers restlessly against the wood railing and keyed into the singing coming from the kitchen. He guessed it was one of the many tunes Youngjae had memorized over the years, and just as he was every time he'd sang around Daehyun so far, it came out with such a carefree tone. A vibe that resonated with this place, and Daehyun tried to etch that feeling into his being to call upon in times of need.

Like when he thought about the good things he'd been through since he'd taken control over his life! The process hurt a lot, something that was inevitable according to Yongguk, but why did it have to be so hard to think about the happier things without fear of his brain trying to twist it around to use against him?

“Are you sure you don't want to stay down with me for a little bit before you head back up?”

As much as Daehyun wanted to take Youngjae up on his offer, tomorrow was Wednesday and it was already getting to the time where he showered and slept. So instead he shuffled at the foot of the stairs up to the second floor and twiddled his fingers around. “I uh... really should be getting to bed... I have to get to work early tomorrow...”

Youngjae nodded and smiled before taking Daehyun's fidgeting hands in his, effectively stilling them. “I understand. Rest well, and thank you for today. I had a great time! It was like a fantasy, you know?” Youngjae punctuated his sentence with a playful wink, then pressed a light kiss against one of Daehyun's flushing cheeks.

“Oh! Uh... Y-you're welcome? I-I'm glad to hear it?”

Youngjae's eyes sparkled, and he gently took Daehyun's face in one of his hands before meeting their lips together in a deep kiss that stole the air from Daehyun's lungs. Once the momentary panic settled, he was able to properly reciprocate. Normally when they kissed, it was a quick little thing. But this one had a level of intimacy to it that scared and thrilled Daehyun in equal measure...

When Youngjae slowly pulled away, Daehyun found himself trying to chase after his boyfriend's lips. But then he reminded himself to practice some self control and restrained himself back a bit.

Youngjae's fingers lingered for a bit on Daehyun's cheek, and his boyfriend stared at him with a breathless smile and such wonder in his eyes, a look Daehyun was sure currently mirrored! “Good night, Daehyun.”

It was such a confusing feel Daehyun got from being around Youngjae, that alternating burn of happiness and pain. Was he happy or was he hurting? They were so intermingled at this point that Daehyun couldn't accurately tell the difference between them. When he had this feeling around Sunhwa, it always ended up equating to pain somehow. But with Youngjae, it was like Daehyun's mind expected that pain only to be denied. Did that mean his mind was trying to turn other feelings into pain to make up for the fact that he wasn't actively being hurt anymore?

That sounded fake... Did that actually happen? Was that what was happening to Daehyun?

“Daehyun?” Thankfully, he didn't jump out of his skin at Youngjae's interjection, but came close to it. Daehyun turned to look at him peering from the sliding glass door on the kitchen side of the lake house. “Dinner's ready!”

He nodded his understanding and flashed a little bit of a smile. “I'll go wash up then.”

Fortunately, things still remained in a calming atmosphere throughout dinnertime and the rest of the evening. No worries about a high seasoned meal, and Youngjae thankfully didn't try to dissuade him from helping to clean up afterwards. Speaking familiarly, no weight placed on any one task... It was a peaceful rhythm, something Daehyun didn't realize he craved until he was in the midst of it.

It also frightened him at how much he wished something like this was his routine...

Youngjae had put something on the television once they'd finished up, something Daehyun didn't focus on between his conflicting thoughts and watching the sun completely set beneath the trees on the other side of the lake through the sliding glass door. Torn between feeling peaceful and uneasy... Tranquil yet on edge... 'How can I be these things at the same time?'

A hand grabbing his wrenched Daehyun from his thoughts, and he adjusted so he had his boyfriend in his sight. “You good over there?” Youngjae wondered.

Daehyun blinked a few times to get back to reality before humming in affirmation. It was then that he noticed the television had been turned off. 'How long did I zone out for?'

He stifled a bit of a yawn behind his free hand. “Well, it's bedtime for me. Feel free to stay up for as long as you like. There are two bedrooms down that way you can choose from,” he explained with a faint gesture towards the hallway beyond the television. “Or, if you'd like... you can sleep with me up in the loft bedroom.”

'Huh. So that's what the room that's connected to the little elevated reading nook in the kitchen slash dining area is...' Then it occurred to him what Youngjae had just said, and Daehyun stared at him while he processed the words fully and formulated in his head how to proceed. 'Couples sleep together. Me and Youngjae are a couple. By that logic, that's the route I should take.'

Even though there was a nagging panic that told him to just pick one of the other bedrooms, Daehyun said, “I'll go up there with you.”

Which is how he found himself in the same bed as his boyfriend and struggling to find a way to get comfortable enough to sleep. Between his body's year long unfamiliarity with beds and his brain trying to insist Daehyun was taking up too much space despite the fact he was nearly hanging off the edge, he wasn't sure the sleep would come. He didn't want to move around too much because he didn't want to disturb Youngjae's attempts at sleep, so Daehyun tried to just relax his muscles and settle into place.

Youngjae moved a bit on the other side of the bed. “This bed is more than big enough for the two us,” he yawned. “You don't have to worry about crowding me.”

At that, Daehyun scooted inwards a bit, just enough to where it no longer felt like he could easily roll off the side of the bed if he were to turn to the side in the middle of the night. It apparently wasn't enough, though.

“Are you sure you're comfortable with this?”

Daehyun nodded before realizing Youngjae wouldn't be able to see that well in the dark. “Yeah.”

“I won't be offended if you need to go sleep in one of the other beds,” he assured. “I'd rather you be comfortable than force yourself through something you'd rather not do.”

Youngjae's gentle words made his heart feel all fluttery, which didn't help him settle down any. “It's fine. I... I'm just not used to it. That's all.”

Right as Daehyun allowed his eyes to slip shut to get some sleep, Youngjae shifted closer, and Daehyun's eyes shot open. He had enough sense to mentally coax himself of his surroundings, where he was, who he was with, and to calm down because everything was just fine, there was no reason to panic...

“Will you look at me?”

Hesitantly, Daehyun adjusted under the blankets to be facing his boyfriend. He briefly caught his gaze before darting his eyes away towards the pillow. While Daehyun was stuck trying to calm the rising panic that was refusing to settle down, Youngjae's hand gently came up and caressed Daehyun's cheek, his skin tingling like fire underneath his fingertips. Such a burn caused that nagging anxiety to clench his chest and take control of his breathing. Despite his best attempts to calm it down, it was too late.

“Are you okay?” Youngjae softly asked.

Meeting Youngjae's eyes in that moment was probably the worst thing Daehyun could've done. He found himself lost and floundering in waves of concern that crashed down over him from Youngjae, yet Daehyun couldn't look away. His lips moved to form some kind of dismissive response, but he was unable to find the sound to do it. Then the realization that even if he did dismiss it as nothing and tell Youngjae he was fine, he'd know Daehyun was lying to get out of talking about it.

When his vocal cords remembered how to work, they betrayed his brain's wishes to deflect as it always instructed Daehyun to. That feel Youngjae had that just turned off his brain and let the words flow from his mouth without thinking overtook Daehyun. “I... I haven't been okay for a long time.”

No matter how much he told himself he was, it had always been a lie. There hadn't been a point in his life where he could say he was okay and mean it. Not as a child. Not during his school years. Certainly not during the years wasted afterwards, and not now, even though Daehyun could say he was closer to it than he'd ever been before.

The breakdown surged through his veins, locking up his muscles, and Daehyun's brain screamed trouble for his flight response to kick in and eject him from the situation so he could lock himself away until everything passed over. With how his body refused to do anything but tense and convulse with the need to keep it bottled in until he could escape, the best Daehyun could do was cover his face with his hands.

Next thing he knew, arms were wrapping around him and pulling him closer. Words were whispered that didn't make it past his ear drums while Daehyun's hands were carefully pried away from his face and adjusted. He vaguely registered that Youngjae had moved them to hold him, and the walls that Daehyun tried so desperately to keep up came crumbling down.

The only place he could hide from the sheer weight of it all was against Youngjae's clothed chest. With his fingers gripped tightly into the fabric on the back of his shirt, Daehyun buried his face against his boyfriend's chest and cried in a way he'd never allowed himself to before, not even when alone.

--

A/N:

Yeah, I'm still here! I hope y'all are still here, too. I know we Daejae folks are few numbered now, but we're still here. The fact that I still see new stories coming through the tag is proof of that! Good news, I've got up to the beginning parts of chapter 29 plotted out for Harmony, I just have to flesh them out and post them~ So there shouldn't be another 6 month long wait between chapters haha woops

Also, I've got loads of stories I want to tell here (all Daejae of course, varying lengths), but I'm not sure whether I should post forewords and just post whenever I get something done or if I should hold off on posting forewords until I've got more than just a quick plot document on them. Y'all are the readers, what would y'all like?