‘Hello everyone!’

‘So- we heard you’ve been missing our faces?’

‘Because we miss Minseok-hyung too!’

‘Ah, our hyung- he’s doing his thesis right now and we juniors are enjoying the strange lack of exams during this finals week.’

‘Which is why we thought we’d do a funny update right now!’

‘And if you notice that the editing is weird!’

‘Then keep that to yourself we miss Minseok-hyung for more than just editing reason!’

‘He’s studying so hard!’

‘Such a hard worker, we should all strive to be like Minseok-hyung.’

‘But this video is, unfortunately, not about Minseok-hyung!’

‘Unfortunately.’

‘It is however, to make some announcements, and then have a bit of fun!’

‘Now, before we start, I do want to say that we have most definitely shot a few episodes before alas, a pandemic hit us.’

‘We might sound comedic but guys I’m serious-‘

‘-we are very serious-‘

‘-don’t be s okay? Wear your masks, wash your hands, and don’t go out unless you have to. Tell the other people in your life to do the same!’

‘Do this for the people who do not have the privilege of being able to choose to stay home.’

‘Exactly. Baek and I have been very lucky with where we are staying, and the fact that we you know, tolerate each other.’

‘This depends!’

‘It truly does- but also not the point. We are lucky, that we do not need to go out, and we can stay indoors, and not have our lives compromised too badly. However, many people don’t. So for the sake of those people, stay inside as much as you can, be kind, be alert, and be informed.’

‘And also understand that this is overwhelming and an unpredictable force of change so it’s absolutely okay for you to feel down and anxious and stressed! Just because you may not be working in the frontlines doesn’t mean your worries are invalid!’

‘This is a tough situation, and one none of us ever thought we’d have to learn to adapt to! But human beings are the top of the animal kingdom because of this very reason: our ability to adapt. We will learn how to live with this, it will take time. It’s not a competition of who gets “used” to it or anything like that- we all progress in our own time.’

‘Yeah, no one expected that in this modern day and age, we would be facing a global pandemic. So don’t be too tough on yourself. If you’re not feeling good, please talk to someone about it; honestly, I can assure you there will be other people who are feeling exactly what you are. You’re not alone in this!’

‘…’

‘…’

‘Normally we’d like, say something to Minseok-hyung but-‘

‘God I miss him.’

‘I know this feels so wrong now-‘

‘Should we put up an ad here-‘

[Ad plays]

‘As you all know, we’ve been studying online for the past month now, and we know this is tough for a lot of people, so we wanted to do something to provide some form of relief, a distraction- even if for a little while! Which is why, even though we able to shoot some episodes, with Minseok-hyung busy, our next season, though definitely coming, will be delayed!’

‘But! We will have more of these…episodes? Of random fun stuff! Give us some suggestions if you want, but we’ve planned out about 5 episodes from here, all from the safety of our apartment!’

‘Yes! And we will also probably title these better?’

‘Hopefully, I cannot believe we actually came up with Unsolved Vlogs because wow.’

‘Yes, wow.’

‘So, what are we doing today Baekhyun?’

‘Today we will be reading our!

Star!

Charts!’

‘So like, our zodiac?’

‘No. And yes. This is more than just reading up what our zodiac signs mean- this is some serious

Deep

Dive

Into

The mystical realm

Of stars!’

‘…

I have a feeling you’re gonna edit that so that there’s a jump-cut that gets closer to your face at every word.’

[super zoom into Baekhyun’s face]

‘And you will be correct!’

‘All right then- explain a bit more about this to me.’

‘So basically- other than the sun-sign you’re born under, there are other factors you need to consider in astrology!’

‘Sounds like you know a lot.’

‘I actually don’t! But you see my dear fellow, while you were out there, making dalgona coffee, I was spending my time doing some extensive research.’

‘My arms are ripped and my adrenaline soaring, brought to you by

Dalgona coffee.’

[cheesy and terribly photoshop edited ad campaign insert here]

‘I always wondered what people meant by

Oh mars is in retrograde, that’s why I’ve been having a ty day.’

‘Hey, I’ve heard that before!’

‘Yeah, and so I thought, why not?’

‘Find out why mars in retrograde equals a ty day?’

‘Yes!’

‘Sounds fair.’

‘So I dug in more and bam!’

‘You found out why?’

‘Yeah! Because apparently, mars, the planet, represents communication! So when a planet is perceived as being retrograde, it visually appears to be moving backwards, so that means your communication will?’

‘…you’re talking backwards?’

‘Ye-no! No! It means you’re gonna have bad communication!

Are we in retrograde right now?’

[we checked and we don’t! and also I apparently have everything wrong too! It’s not Mars, it’s Mercury!]

‘So here, we are going to check, our natal chart; not full because that’s just…no one wants to watch that.’

‘Yeah I doubt it.’

‘We’re gonna link the site on the description below so you can check it out, and then we will! Check our compatibility! And then! See who is more compatible with Minseok-hyung.’

‘Ooooh!

OOOOOOOOOOH!

I love this. When you said you had a great idea.

You were really on to something.’

[loud highfive]

‘Okay! Kim Jongdae! Born September 21^st, 1992. Correct?’

‘Yes!’

‘Great, let’s do this! You are!

Virgo Sun! Cancer Moon! Libra Mercury! Oooh another Libra in Venus, and finally Cancer in Mars!’

[Yeah I know I was saying it wrong]

‘I have no idea what this means so please do me the honours!’

‘Okay, Mr. Virgo Sun, basically the Sun in astrology is: “-represents vitality, a sense of individuality, and outward-shining creative energy.”’

‘I love to outward shine creative energy!’

‘”It is rare to find the stereotypical nitpicky, exacting, "clean freak" in modern-day Virgos. Although the sign of Virgo has evolved with the times, there are some unmistakable traits that remain. Virgo people are generally respectable, hard-working individuals who have a love of knowledge and know-how.” – what do you think about this?’

‘I guess I’m neat?’

‘You are.’

‘I like to think I’m hard-working, and with a desire to know more.’

‘I think we all do.’

‘Yeah! So it’s general?’

‘Moving ahead!

Your keywords are: analytical, intelligent, reserved, critical, helpful, conscientious.

And I think, you know what Jongdae, I think you are all of these, in the best way possible.’

‘Aw! Thank you!’

‘Okay but I love this and I agree!

“You are usually good-hearted, possessing strong morals and much faith in life and in people. You prefer to find the good in situations and in people. You don't have a lot of patience with those who break the rules, as you generally believe in order, equality, and the law. You usually make good on your promises, and the sincerity you exude can be trusted. Looking on the bright side is your forte--people can turn to you for a pleasing dose of faith and optimism.” – I can testify to this folks, in the best way possible- this man right here, is just such a solid solid human being.’

‘DON’T MAKE ME CRY WE’RE IN A PANDEMIC AND I’M NOT EMOTIONALLY STABLE-‘

[Ad plays]

‘Your moon! Is in Cancer-

‘-Mr. Krab.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘So-

The moon basically expressed emotion, the unconscious, self-expression, and self-image.

They say of you that “She is likeable and sociable. Very sensitive to environmental conditions and surroundings. She likes home, habits, comfort and her little world. Very caring and protective of loved ones.”’

‘She?’

‘She.’

‘Did the website automatically assume I’m female?’

‘I think most people assume only people who identify as female care about astrology.’

‘Excuse me-!’

[Jongdae had a tirade about micro-ism until we realized we forgot to change the gender option on the first loading page]

‘So I think it’s safe to say I do love home, and the comforts that come with it.’

‘Definitely- never met a homier boy before.’

‘Minseok-hyung though.’

‘Minseok-hyung is the homiest man.’

‘He’s gonna hate that.’

‘So! Your Mercury is in Libra!’

‘The scales right?’

‘Yes! Mercury represent communication, and logic. It says here that “Usually quite diplomatic and tactful, she evaluates and weighs things up endlessly, often to the point of indecisiveness. Of good judgment, she expresses herself clearly. Before coming to an opinion on a subject, she listens to the opinions offered by various people and can compare them before making up her own mind. Mental affinity in her relationships is paramount. She is good at compromising and always tries to put herself in others' shoes. Some mental laziness.”- HAHAHA-!!’

‘SOME MENTAL LAZINESS!!!’

[hysterical laughing ensues]

‘But I think this describes you quite well! You do offer good advice, you listen and don’t immediately make up your mind based on what others have said! But you also come up with good compromises. I think that sums up this channel entirely!’

‘I quite like that! I mean, it’s what I would like to be- minus the mental laziness-‘

[more laughter]

‘All right it’s time for Venus-‘

[terrible saxophone music with heart filters and a bad png image of the Birth of Venus]

‘So your Venus is also in Libra! Venus represents emotions, values, and sharing with others. I already see great things for you.’

‘Eh-‘

‘-“Venus in Libra people will impress you with their kindness, evenhandedness, and willingness to make your relationship work. They have a polished manner in love, which sometimes makes them appear insincere or superficial.”- I absolutely stand by this. Wow, natal chart reading is actually super accurate this is a science-‘

‘-I don’t think I’d described myself as polished?’

‘I think you have a very sincere and gentle approach, without any grandiose flair; kinda like a wonderful and mild spring rain over fresh flowers.’

‘…that was really nice I’m gonna cry again-‘

[ANOTHER AD OKAY JUST SKIP IT]

‘-and finally! Another Cancer!’

‘Mars is the Roman god of war, wasn’t he.’

‘Yes he was but this is not about war! Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy!

“This position inclines toward passive-aggressiveness. These people seem to resist change and to shy away from direct confrontations. They need to feel secure before they act.”.’

‘Hm- minus being passive aggressive, isn’t it better to be secure in yourself before acting?’

‘Yeah, I think normally, that would definitely be the case. But it’s not like we can all control how we feel and how we express them at every single moment.’

‘Yeah- and I think most people don’t like direct confrontations.’

‘Absolutely agreed! WAIT WAIT OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS I’M-!’

[we laughed so loud we couldn’t fix any audio so here’s subtitles with soothing music instead]

-HAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA YOUR LOVE AFFAIRS ARE-

-THEY’RE-choke-HAHAHAHA-

-PASSIONATE- HEEEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHA- YOUR LOVE AFFAIRS ARE- gasp – PASSIONATE!!!

-AND- wheeze – DARK SIDE OF OUR NATURES- HAHAHAHAHAHA

[And we’re back]

‘Okay so it’s my turn!’

‘I shall read them out loud!

You are

Byun Baekhyun, born May 6^th, in the year of our lord 1992?’

‘I mean, yeah.’

‘Cool- so according to this you have your Sun in Taurus, your Moon is in Gemini, your Mercury is in Aries, Venus in Taurus, and Mars in Aries!’

‘Is it just me or do my signs come off as quite male.’

‘…I mean, I see what you mean.’

‘Please read on!’

‘Okay so, “There is something very solid about Taurus natives, no matter what the rest of their charts say about them. Though they are dependable most of the time-“ HAHA-, most. “This generally shows itself more in habit than in outright helpfulness.” Right off the bat- I feel like you’ve been kinda roasted!’

‘Wait- why does mine start off like this? This is unfair!’

‘Okay wait there’s more!

Um, “Taurus natives are sensual folk--and this includes -“ – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-‘

[insert close up shot of Baekhyun’s increasingly distraught facial expression with terrible sax music]

“-they delight in the sensual pleasures of food, a comfortable blanket, a richly colored aquarium to look at, the smell of flowers or spring rain, pleasing melodies coming from their stereos, and so forth. Some might even say they live through their senses more than most.” – and you know what, this is nice. You really do appreciate these small things in every day life.’

‘Oh god, I thought my charts were gonna say I was some ual deviant and-‘

‘-you were gonna have to own it?’

‘-oh no, what if I’m too y? Like, what if my appeal is like- too much and I’ve never known

This is

A new super power?’

‘Anyways, moving past your extreme animal magnetism, “He is strong-willed. He has charm, and he is tolerant and stoical. He likes pleasure and the good things in life. Appreciates the Arts.” – oh but, I know some people use this the wrong way, and it’s often used to describe people who are like, two-faced, but I do agree that you are a charming person. People come to you, not because you seem easy or anything, but you just have such a wonderful and sweet nature.’

‘You really think so?’

[uncomfortably close zoom into Baekhyun’s face]

‘I know so.’

[uncomfortably close zoom into Jongdae’s face as he nods]

‘And now for your moon!

“Lunar Geminis are usually pleasant, witty, and charming people.”- there! My point exactly! “An underlying restlessness is common, and many Lunar Geminis need more stimulation than others. They usually read a lot, talk a lot, and think a lot with this airy, mutable position of the Moon.”’

‘Oh my god? So it’s just my moon that makes me like this?’

‘I think a lot of things make you like this.’

‘Wow- thank you moon, you’re a real queen, love you!’

[shout out to the moon for just being great]

‘And it also says here, “They are sociable and friendly, and feel comfortable in crowds. Some pay too much attention to what everyone else is doing, and lose touch with what they really want to do. Generally, Lunar Geminis have a million and one projects going.”’

‘Oh! But this is true!’

‘I think it’s true for most-‘

‘-because I do feel like in the midst of my attempt to do so many things, I lose track of what I was supposed to initially do!’

‘I guess we could say that this part is at least somewhat true then?’

‘Yes! The moon never lies!’

‘Well, you know what Shakespeare says about the moon.’

‘What does he say?’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘-look, I’m not a literature student I’m sure Shakespeare has said something about the moon somewhere-‘

[we apologize to all people who like Shakespeare we are uncultured swine]

‘Okay- more on the moon in Gemini! “Sharp intellect. He likes literature-“ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!’

‘-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!’

[water break! Gotta keep hydrated!]

‘“-and will adapt to all situations and social groups. Work in contact with the public, literary occupations, travel.”

This is nice!’

‘Let’s please move on!’

‘Okay let’s now look at you Mercury! Which is in Aries!

“He makes quick decisions, may streamline learning, can be direct and straightforward in speech, possessing an innocent charm, and can easily motivate others with his enthusiasm.”

Hey, I think this is pretty accurate!’

‘I think…I think so too yeah!’

‘Also adds that “He is very resourceful and capable. May prefer to jump into a decision and may not have much patience with pretense or actions that are clearly unrighteous to him.” – and this is true! You guys should see Baekhyun take down people in class sometimes- Baek doesn’t bite, but when he barks: it’s over for you.

I remember that one time in class, we were freshman! FRESHMAN! And the way you went off at our lecturer for his UI/UX course-‘

‘-oh my god yeah oh wow-‘

‘-okay let me set the scene’

[swift hand gestures]

‘-we’re learning stuff about websites, god I remember this so well because of what happened- and how UI/UX is important- and the lecturer pulls up examples of good UI/UX but it’s using the example of a “good girlfriend”- so they needed to be “attractive”, “easy to use”, “consistent and reliable”, and “simple”.’

‘IT STILL MAKES ME SO ANGRY! UGGHH!’

‘So I think first problem we had was that there were no girls in the classroom- at least not in that section. And some of the guys were laughing and like, agreeing- I’m thinking of taking a picture of this slide and taking it up with the school administration or something, but Baekhyun here stands up and- I can’t remember what he said, but he called the lecturer, I think, a shame. And how he brought dishonour to his position, to the course, to the school- to websites- and most of all, to men for being such a try-hard, in an attempt to seem “hip” with his young male students.

THEN HE WALKS OFF AND I WAS JUST LIKE THAT ONE MEME VIDEO REACTION-!

[insert that one meme video reaction]

‘So yeah, that was a great moment, and damn, we were both called into the Dean’s office after that and the lecturer received a warning from the office-‘

‘-it should have been more than just a warning!’

‘-and he hates us till today!’

‘That he does!’

‘So yes- this part is definitely true!’

[close up shot of embarrassed but somewhat pleased Baekhyun with the caption “local boy hates ism in class”]

‘Now it’s time for!

[terrible 80’s music and flashing edits]

‘I’M YOUR VENUS! I’M YOUR FIRE! PURE DESIRE!’

‘That can’t be a real song-‘

‘-it is!’

‘I hate this, thank you.’

‘You’re welcome! So, Venus is in Taurus which means: “Venus in Taurus people can be possessive in love, and they are threatened by fast-paced, high-energy situations in the context of relationships and love. These are sensual partners who require lots of "hands-on" expressions of love.”

‘Please don’t make any jokes-‘

‘-I see absolutely nothing comedic in those sentences Baekhyun. I have no idea what you mean.’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…’

‘…-well I mean there’s nothing wrong with some hands-on –‘

‘I’M TELLING YOU NOT TO-‘

[An ad!!!!!]

‘“He is good-hearted and generous, possessing a good character. He likes well-being, comfort, a life of ease, without problems. He has good relations with his social circle. He is easy to approach. All the same, he may fall in love easily. He has a successful partnership and professional life. People usually trust him.”’

‘I absolutely accept this! I am a good boy!’

[close up of Baekhyun as Jongdae side-eyes him, clutching at his arm, as Baekhyun gives a wide grin, over him a caption that reads “local boy is a good local boy!”]

‘And now finally! Your Mars is in Aries!’

‘Exciting!’

‘…so yes. Ehem, “This is a very impulsive position of Mars. The first instinct for Mars in Aries people is to take action. Quick flare-ups characterize the Mars in Aries character, but their anger usually doesn't last for too long. In fact, these people generally don't live in the past, and are not given to holding grudges or feeling resentful.”- well, clearly this is not too true seeing as you’re still angry at our lecturer-‘

‘-sometimes, you need anger to maintain justice.’

‘I-…’

‘Okay let’s look at our compatibility!

I thought that we could just google our signs compatibility and see what’s the first result!’

‘By all means, the floor if yours!’

‘So okay-‘

[obnoxious typing sounds]

‘Here we go and-!

But of course.’

‘Of course.’

‘I mean, are we even surprised.’

‘Not at all.’

‘Look guys: Taurus and Virgo compatibility: soulmates.’

‘I knew it.’

‘Just listen guys: “Being on the same zodiacal wavelength, the Taurus and the Virgo will connect on the most intimate of levels. ... Because they know any relationship must be based on trust and devotion, the Virgo and Taurus apply fully these principles and hide nothing from each other.”

Wow- this is absolutely amazing.

And obvious.’

‘Everyone who looks at us thinks that.

Soulmates.’

‘Like, we don’t even have to go any further than this.’

‘But we have an extra bit! Who is more compatible with Minseok-hyung! I wanna see this! I bet it’s me.’

‘Hold it down little Virgo man, because I bet it’s me! I’m more loveable!’

‘Can’t believe you said that with a straight face.’

‘Okay-‘

[even more obnoxious typing sounds]

‘HAHAHA!’

‘What the fuuuudge ice-cream?! Are you kidding me?? “The relationship of Aries and Taurus is quite challenging” IT’S NOT MINSEOK-HYUNG LOVES ME-‘

‘MY TURN!’

[rapidly obnoxious typing as Baekhyun reels in horror]

‘HAHAHA! TAKE THAT-‘

‘HOW IS THIS-

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!’

‘Hahaha! “The Aries and Virgo compatibility can be beautiful or deadly.” HA! Deadly!’

‘Wait- this one- oh no-‘

‘“When Aries and Virgo come together in a love match, they may think at first that they have nothing in common and nothing to learn from one another.”

HAHAHAHA!’

[short break as we mourn our lack of compatibility with Minseok-hyung. Though that does explain why he’s always so tired after spending time filming with us. We’re sorry hyung. The stars have spoken T_T]

‘So! That’s it for today’s uh- random video thingy!’

‘We hope you enjoyed that and tell us in the comments what you’d like to see us do!’

‘That’s probably too broad an invitation.’

‘…what you’d like to see us do that won’t be de-monetized!’

‘Better!’

‘Bye!’

‘May the stars shine down favourably on you!’

‘Be gone retrograde Mars!’

[yes, we know it’s Mercury now]

*

Indigo_Salad: I know that they’re roasting each other a lot but that- that bit when they read out those parts that they liked so much because they were true? Can we say baekchen are just the best people

minghaoFrogagenda: This…this was just baekchen expressing their love for each other in astrology form damn, how does it feel to have a soulmate can’t relate

StanSeventeenRightNow: Why did …I feel…like I was third-wheeling…

Mareete: LOL I’M CRYING THEY’RE BOTH SO UPSET WITH THEIR RESULTS WITH MINSEOK’S

Corona is not a myth: ID WATCH EVERY AD JUST FOR THEM LMAO I LOVE THEM SO MUCH also really appreciating the isolation hair

Im Just A Kidult in a Capitalist World: Just thinking about how nice their couch is, that is Nice™ couch like, where did y’all get it?

WASHYOURINGHANDS: MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH IT’S SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN

Erikyoooooooonggggg_ggg: So- I guess I’m in love with a local boy, that’s good to know.

There is no war in: I love this so much, it feels so nice to have them banter like this, don’t get me wrong I loved the fun horror episodes but these feel so comforting and just- like they’re my buddies that I’m face-timing or something

DaeDroid: I just found out I have the same Venus as Baekhyun I have never felt more validated in my life

GrimArtandStuff: this was a change of pace that I didn’t realize I needed! Thank you so much for still putting out content during this time I hope you guys are safe and so is Minseok!

Sehun_omayaaaaaa: I suggest an episode where you learn how to do 5 dance challenges but you have to learn it all in one hour lmao rip

*

Author’s notes

true story that ui/ux thing happened to me in class

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol, so im gonna have special random baekchen chapter updates for a while, of just them being the wonderful supportive best friends that they are. I wanted to write something funny, and I thought it’d be hilarious to have baekchen do this because I think Jongdae would not be at all interested in astrology irl, but I feel like Baekhyun would be the type to give it a go and actually find it interesting.

And if you guys wanna check your full natal chart! It’s here!

Its fun to do, and like Jongdae im not a believer in astrology, but it’s fun to do because honestly, there’s no harm in it and it’s nice to think that my moon is right in between the time pisces and aquarius shift in the night sky. I think that’s quite pretty ^_^

astro.cafeastrology.com

also actually both baekchen’s compatibility with minseok’s isn’t too bad! Just thought that it’d be hilarious that they point out the few results that point out that it’s not a good match hahaha

also if anyone wants to spend some great quality time jamming to an amazing live concert recording then look no more, I give to you Day6’s concert:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLn-4XerPUFq0tQen7gQF8pUQ4VqkC_ybt

didn’t think I could love deep in love more, but performed live is just THAT song my god what a good song

AND WHO ELSE REALLY VIBING WITH SEVENTEEN’S COMEBACK???????

LEFT AND RIGHT

LEFT AND RIGHT

LEFT AND RIGHT

RIP IT RIP IT