멈춰진 시간은 가끔 말하지
혼자서 걷고 있던 내게
괜찮은 척 웃음 짓던 그 날을

거울 속 마주친 내 눈빛이
날 바라보는 눈빛이 낯설어
나 아닌 또 다른 누군가로
사는 것 같아

더 수줍은 말로
더 따스한 말로
내 이름 부르면
다 보여줄 텐데
나는 말할 텐데
같이 걸을 텐데
끝이 어디라도

가슴 속 숨겨둔 내 모습이
오늘은 너로 인해 눈부셔
가끔씩 내 이름을 불러줘
비춰 줄 수 있게

더 수줍은 말로
더 따스한 말로
내 이름 부르면
다 보여줄 텐데
나는 말할 텐데
같이 걸을 텐데
끝이 어디라도

너 없는 길을 간다 해도
그 길 끝에는 네가 있을 것 같아
너 없이 걷던 수많은 길을
난 되돌리려 해

As long as you love me
As long as you miss me
누군가가 아닌
널 위한 한 사람
더는 숨기지도
숨지도 않을래
이젠 너에게 나

As long as you love me
As long as you miss me
같은 곳을 보며
함께 웃음 지으며
어여쁜 생각에
불러 주고 싶어
너의 이름

I held her hand tightly as we strolled down the snowy road; white grounds and trees greeted us as we made our way in the cold. It had been 4 days since we travelled around Europe. The scar on her face was fading but it still cut me deeply inside whenever my gaze fixated on her beautiful face.

She was gaining weight gradually, but my fingers could still wrap around her wrist that easily. Her mochi cheeks were gone but there had been only smiles on her face lately. That was when I realized how it easy it was to make her happy.

And I’m the only reason why she’s happy. Only me who can make her smile like that. I was such a foolish fool back then. And I almost lost her. I could have if I didn’t wake up in time to realize how stupid I was and I knew, you probably think I don’t deserve her at all.

But I promise with all my heart. And I swear upon my life that I’ll never, ever let her go like that anymore. That would be my last stupid moment and I’ll keep her close to me. Even if she tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore, I’ll never leave her side at all.

“Wheein ah~”

There she goes again. Her soft voice called out to me. I was holding her hand; and she was a step ahead of me. She turned around and pulled me into her embrace. I instinctively put my arms around her body; I smiled widely and caressed her right cheek lightly.

“Yes, baby.”

“Thank you for being by my side for the last few weeks.”

I shook my head and leaned closer. I gave her a soft kiss on her forehead; then slowly down to the bridge of her nose and lastly, a gentle peck on her lips.

“I should be the one who’s thankful that you still chose to be with me after what I had done to you.”

“How many times are we going to go through this?”

Tears quickly pooled in my eyes. Each time I chanced upon the faint scar across her face, it kept reminding me of what I had stupidly done back then. How could I not feel guilty? This will always haunt me until the day I die.

“I can never walk past this. This, across your face, will always be a reminder to me.”

I gently traced the scar with my index finger; tears fell from the corner of my eyes. She cried too but shook her head gently. She cupped my cheeks with her hands and wiped away my tears with her thumbs.

“As long as you love me, as long as you miss me, I’ll never leave your side. You know, I cannot do without you. I love you too much.”

I have always felt that Yongsun forgives easily. I had hurt her twice; yet both times she would take me back without any conditions. She just took me back and embraced me tightly; giving me comfort and assurance that I’ll never lose her. And of course, it etched deep down in my heart.

If I lose her, I might die. I might not live properly, and I’ll never move on from her.

So, I put my hand into the pocket of my coat. I had kept the ring with me all this while. I had to make this woman mine. She’s my everlasting and I’m her forever. There’s no way I could ever give her up to anyone else.

Call me selfish. And you may hate me all you want. I love her. I love her selfishly.

She was still smiling with her eyes on me. There were many people moving around us but each time she looked at me; I could see there was only me in her sight. Nobody else mattered except for me. And this time, yet again, I saw forever in her eyes.

“Let’s head back to our hotel room. It’s getting colder by the second.”

She was shivering so I pulled her closer to me; tightly put my arms around me. We then briskly walked back to our hotel. She was smiling then started giggling when I almost slipped while trying to push the lobby door open.

“You’re still such a baby. Let me.”

She pushed effortlessly; I rolled my eyes. Among us both, she’s the one with impressive arm muscles. She has been working out at the gym ever since she was discharged from the hospital. She would drag me along with her, but I could never have muscles like her.

You should see her lean abdominal muscles. When she taunts them, your heart pounds like mad and you would just want to stick your lips on it. Trust me.

But of course, she’s mine. So, don’t bother imagining it by the way. I forbid you.

“Ah, finally!”

Our hotel room was warm; it made me feel good. She threw her coat aside and jumped on the bed. She sprawled on the bed with her arms and legs spread apart. She looked like a star from where I stood. I sat on the sofa; put my feet up and hugging my knees close to my chest.

I smiled as she acted silly on the bed. She was flapping her limbs like a silly fool; giggling and laughing like a little girl. My heart kept swelling with love; I had the urge to jump on her, but I didn’t want to spoil her kiddy-like moments.

I just wanted to capture these moments, so I took out my phone and took a video of her. She noticed it and then sat up; facing me. She was waving at the camera and made silly faces before she mouthed “I love you” with her sincerest smile.

I teared up at the point. I imagined my life without her at the split second. If she hadn’t taken me back; if she had decided to move on from me; from us; and if we did break off because of my stupidity and arrogance; I could never witness these moments again; not for the rest of my life. It was a scary thought and it got me good.

I couldn’t help but feeling lost for that second. What would I do without Yongsun unnie?

“Hajima.”

She suddenly spoke up. She must have noticed my tears.

“Come here.”

She called out to me and I sat in front of her. The video was still capturing her. She put her hands on my shoulders and squeezed tightly. Her deep gaze sent shivers in my heart; I could feel my cheeks warming up.

“Do I need to change my face?”

“Huh?”

“Each time you look at me, tears will pool in your eyes. And I hate it when that happens.”

“I can’t help it. I almost lost you.”

“But you didn’t. And I’m still here with you.”

“I know. But I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if you chose to leave me because of what I did.”

She smiled warmly. And then she flicked her finger on my forehead. I winced; but she leaned closer and kissed it.

“It never crossed my mind to leave you. Even when I was lying on the floor; with a bloodied face; my heart was broken but all I could think of was you. I thought I would be the one losing you.”

Tears quickly filled my eyes again. She looked at me and shook her head.

“Jung Wheein, the moment I saw you for the first time, I felt like forever. I somehow knew that I’d end up being with you. And I could never walk away from you because if I do, then I guess I’m allowing you to take my heart away with you.”

Her eyes were watery too, but her smile was warm. It sent emotions that I had never felt before.

“You’re my amazing you. My amazing angel and even if one day, we would break up somehow, I’ll wait for you.”

My heart broke. And the next thing I wanted to do – protect Kim Yongsun with all my life. I’ll make a promise that I’ll never leave. Because I cannot live without her. I took out the ring from my pocket. I pulled her away from the bed and settled her down on the edge of the bed.

I slowly went down on one knee; I looked at her earnestly. I almost lived my life like how my parents did. Their marriage failed because they couldn’t see the end after so much disappointments each other gave.

But not Yongsun. I have disappointed her more than I ever did with her. Yet, I could see the light at the end of this tunnel. And I could see her clearly; waiting for me at the other end; arms spread open with a halo on her forehead. I had those dreams every single night and I knew.

I know. She’s the one for me.

“Unnie.”

I swallowed hard; my voice refused to cooperate with me. I was nervous. And she was staring at me with her eyes wide open. She was probably expecting it but right now, she was just surprised.

“I keep seeing you in my dreams; like an angel; always waiting for me to return home and when I do, you welcome me with warm hugs and whisper softly in my ears that you love me. I will wake up with a huge smile on my face and I feel like you are my everlasting.

I know I have not been the best for you lately. And I went astray for that short period of time, but it left you devastated for probably the longest time. You’re probably afraid too that I’d hurt you again. You pretended to be fine; pretended to be stronger because you didn’t want to lose me. Am I right?”

She nodded.

“You wanna know how I knew?”

“How?”

“I can see it in your eyes. I caught your wavering smile a lot of times. Your heart is bleeding yet you pretend to be fine. Your fear is growing but you pretend you’re not affected. You’re afraid yet you want to give in because you love me.”

She looked away; trying to hide her tears from me. But I held her tighter; directed her gaze on me. Her eyes showed so much and it hurt me badly.

“Please don’t be afraid to show me that you’re mad; you’re upset; you’re afraid. Just show it to me and I’ll take them all in my stride. I’ll embrace them. You’re allowed to put all the blame on me. I’ll shoulder it.”

“But it’s tiring.”

“I rather you pour all your emotions on me now. We can work together towards recovery. We can heal together.”

I took out the ring and placed it in front of you. She looked at me; taken aback.

“I’m not saying that we should marry now. I know, we still have a long way before your heart can fully trust me once again. I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’ll wait until your fear is gone. I just want to let you know that I’m not leaving. I’m going to wait. Wait until you can love me without fear; without hesitation and we will last everlasting and forever.”

“Wheein, I’m sorry. But I love you.”

“Please, don’t ever say sorry. You were never in the wrong and you had done nothing wrong. You didn’t hurt me. I hurt you. So, just tell me. What can I do for you? So that your heart can be at ease again. So that you can start to heal once more.”

She looked at me; her eyes were red. It hurt me but I just kept my gaze on her. That’s my punishment.

“Can you just hold me in bed; telling me that you love me again and again? Assure me that I’ll never go through the same pain again. Just stay with me; don’t let go of my hand when I’m sleeping; run to me when I call your name and be my amazing you forever.”

I broke into tears. I nodded profusely.

“I promise you. I’ll do everything that you have just said. I’ll be your forever as long as you continue to be my everlasting.”

I picked her up in my arms and placed her on the bed. She scooted in to allow some room for me. I slipped under the covers and she immediately put her arms around me. She then rest her head against my chest; buried her face in my neck.

I ran my fingers through her hair and kisses lingering on her forehead as I whispered again and again.

“I love you, Kim Yongsun. I love you again and again. I love you so much; forever.”

And I meant it.

-