I stood outside Jessica's bedroom, my right knee folded as I lean all my weight on the wall behind me. Your sister and your cousin alone together for more than a minute can mean a lot of things not good for my health but it's a necessary inconvenience so I wait. Impatiently.

 

 

 

Out of habit, I played with whatever was in my pockets but unlike the other times, the pads of my fingertips touched something that was neither an inhaler nor anything solid with edges. It's sticky and soft so I pulled it out which results to a violent heaving in my stomach. It made me whimper loudly.

 

 

 

The sight of my gloves that were still wet from the blood of Tiffany's dog made me sick. I immediately returned it to my pockets but it's too late. The shivering and the flashbacks were coming back to me almost automatically. Like a silent old Hollywood movie it came in a slow-motion sequence.

 

 

 

The nightmare in tiffany's bedroom.

 

The revolting dump job of innards in her bathroom

 

The bloody mess in the laundry room.

 

The dried crimson in Krystal's pale limbs.

 

 

I slumped down in the carpeted corridor with a hand in my mouth. The nauseating feeling was back with the vile in my throat threatening to get out.

 

Weakling.

 

 

The nausea and the urge to throw up was not gone, but I shook my head hard before closing my eyes. Hitting the back of my head again and again to the wall behind me desperately willing the voices stop but they never listen to me.

 

 

 

 

Definitely a weakling.

 

 

With my jaws locked, I focus on my breathing, ignoring the mocking whispers.

 

 

You have your own share of blood remember?

 

 

 

"Soojung-ah" a desperate call for you escaped as the voices pressed on, not really being considerate of the things that I should be focusing on. Like the fact that the police are coming and Taeyeon might be with them.

 

 

She doesn't care, she never did.

 

 

"She does, she always cares. She promise she always will."

 

 

 

I defended you ardently like I always do. It's pathetic according to people but it's the only thing I can do, to defend you. I will always defend you from everyone even to myself.

 

 

 

Then where is she now? 

 

 

 

The rising intonation masked the evil intents, but the voices were right somehow. Where are you?

 

 

 

 

ing her fiancé after she murdered someone, that . It was a rational suggestion, followed by travesty filled laughter.

 

 

 

I forcefully buried my face as deep as I can in my palms. A futile try to make the echoing in my head stop. I roughly inhaled and exhaled through my nose, trying to focus on something else.

 

 

 

Your innocence.

 

 

 

"I believe you're innocent. You are innocent. Even if you’re in his arms you are innocent." I uttered quick strings of assurance for me, for the voices but the tears were already flowing silently. I bit my lip to stop any sound from coming out.

 

 

My Soojungie is innocent.

 

 

Bet he's a better than you.  It’s a whispered nonchalant statement this time and it made me snap.

 

 

"Shut up!"

 

 

It echoed in the deserted halls as I bury my face in my upturned palms deeper, harder. You are here somewhere. I need you find you, you'll make it stop. You always do. Then I'll help prosecutor Jung do cover up jobs and false statements, anything. This mess will escalate to a disaster with impending massacre if I don't help and you'll be pinned for it all, but you need to help me first. Make it stop Soojung. Please make it stop.

 

 

I was almost sobbing.

 

 

Then we'll do chess with those monsters. That's what it'll be, a bloody chess game. Blitz with Taeyeon, normal timed one without her, but it's still timed and it's still chess and I need to think straight and pre-empt things. I sincerely hope that your cousin is good at chess, especially at blitz. We both know I at blitz.

 

 

Too much faith to es didn't do you good the last time imbecile.

 

 

 

The voice said after a long pause, probably enjoying the restlessness within me. It's a really harsh whisper, harder to ignore than the other statements because this time a part of me accepts that it's entirely true. It made me a deep breathe with my teeth grinding harder.

 

 

 

My breathing hitched and I unconsciously tug on my hair. The red hot anger started to rise slowly at first then to an alarmingly fast rate. I could feel my limbs shaking as the bitter tears drops rapidly. Silent screams echoed in my head but they were relentless. The voices continued.

 

 

Never forget.
 
…

 

es. 

 

…

 

Murders.

 

…

 

Never forget who you are.

 

 

 

The sound of the door opening and closing, broke the momentum of the red, it startled me. Channel 05 assaulted my nostrils and the trembling subsided a little until it’s gone completely, leaving me dizzy and exhausted. The voices were silent all of a sudden. I didn't know why or how it happened but I wiped my tears subtly and raised my head. Jessica was crouching in front of me, worry evident in her face.

 

"You sure you don't wanna go home babe? You look sick." She didn't point out the wetness in my face. She wiped it with her fingers gently.

 

 

 

"I'm fine Jess…" 

 

 

Exhale.

 

 

"…but you should go…"

 

 

Inhale.

 

 

"…You can crash in my place if you want…"

 

 

Exhale.

 

 

"…it's nearer." My voice sounded hollow and hoarse even to me but at least it didn't break. I let go of another deep shuddering breath, before pulling her hand off of my face with shaky fingers. She didn't protest, but her lips got taunted into a thin line.

 

 

Your sister eyed me closely.

 

 

 

"Babe you know you should choose your words better if you want to lie to me right?"

 

"Am not." I tried the bantering tactic, I was panting anyway. She wiped my forehead with the hem of her left sleeve, then she glared at me before answering.

 

"Are too!"

 

The painfully familiar glare made my left eye twitch and my nails dug deep in my palms. I looked away from Jessica to get a hold of myself. It's getting out of control and I need you to reign it, I sincerely need-

 

"Wait…where's Prosecutor Jung?" 

 

 

"Aww, that hurts babe, I'm not the priority anymore. She's here..." her head whipped to right where your cousin was supposed to be standing before continuing nonchalantly "…a while ago. What's up with the bloody clothes anyway?"

 

 

 

I was walking away from the wall even before Jessica finished her question.

 

 

Ignoring your sister's question is the best option at this point given that I don't have any plausible convincing excuse. Jessica is just too intelligent for her own good most of the time and I know she'll be able to put the pieces together sometime soon. Soon maybe good or bad, it depends, but I need to catch up with your cousin first.

 

 

 

I walked quickly towards the direction of the main hall with your sister hot in my trail. My eyes frantically moved everywhere to find Krystal. I blindly took turns, confident that it won't be hard to find her since she is Krystal. An enigmatic lady who looks like you but is the complete opposite of you. Someone like that is hard to miss even if your sister won’t stop blabbering as we walked briskly around the suddenly eerily quiet mansion.

 

 

 

A glimpse of long black hair made me take a sharp left turn without even looking at the tapestries along the way. What's up with her really? It's supposedly me and her together in this disaster that's already settled a while ago. It will be nicer if it's you and me but that's not how it works, this is for you any---way.

 

 

 

"Babe wait up, gosh, I hate it when you’re ignoring my questions even if you'll tell me anyway, but just so you know I abhor the dominant submissive thing-y so don't you dare."

 

 

It was seriously the last thing I should be doing given the situation, but I burst out laughing at your sister's breathy threat. My shoulders shook hard and tears formed in the side of my eyes as I slowed down to take Jessica's closed fist in my hand, forcing it open so that I can hold it properly. She looked genuinely offended by my reaction, but she's too out of breathe to voice it out.

 

 

 

I flicked your sister’s forehead fondly before dragging her with me. If I was not convince before, I'm pretty sure that I am now.

 

 

The Jungs are all crazier than me in more than ways than one.

 

***

 

 

After a few more minutes of jogging, with a very unamused slightly violent Jessica, we finally caught up with your cousin. She's standing in the middle of one of the numerous corridors of the mansion. Her head was tilted to the side as she stares intently at one of the paintings adjacent to the wall. She was looking curiously at the gargantuan replica of Max Beckmann's Small Death Scene. I can recognize it everywhere since it’s one of your favorites and it’s you choose to hang it there.

 

 

 

My feet moved to towards the door across the painting maybe out of reflex or because of those memories since I never linger in this corridor ever. I stopped midstep when Krystal turned towards me and I swear I'm deader than Sir Beckmann’s mother. It’s not blasphemy, its hyperbole, the only explanation I can give.

 

 

 

Dazed is an understatement. I gawkrf at the Krystal Jung wearing Jessica's old Nine inch nails shirt and worn out blue jeans.

 

 

 

Casual clothes were supposed to make her look more human but that's just not what was happening and it's frustrating me to no end. It's so unfair that she just looks better without her usual get up and that it made me have to catch my breath and act like a total fool. I'm pretty sure that the voices are cackling merrily somewhere, or is it Jessica. I can't know for sure because I was in trance and I was having silly feelings in my stomach. The sudden urge to squeal made me sick. I forced myself to look away.

 

 

 

I allowed my gaze to travel along the shallow path with endless lights until it rests on the imposing painting that dominated the space. It’s hard to admit but I didn’t see a 19th century painting at all despite the dizzying number of brush and colors it presented. I was seeing the image of your cousin in casual clothes. It must have been imprinted on my eye balls. Maybe it’s the lights, the image was dancing in my line of sight, making the stupid guilty feeling that I am cheating on you crush my lungs.

 

 

 

 

Cold soft slender fingers made me look away from the art that showed a different sinuous form. It’s oddly familiar, your cousin’s signature move. She lets go of my chin when I faced her. The passive mask with the all-knowing smirk made her look like fallen angel, wicked but beautiful and she’s giving me a mini heart attack at the moment by leaning dangerously close.

 

 

 

Channel 05 can definitely be used as stunning drug someday.

 

 

 

A very forced throat clearing was ignored unintentionally by me and Krystal, I don’t know her excuse. She kept on her business as usual. I was able to catch up with whatever it was even if Jessica's nails was becoming more and more demanding in my flesh. It kept me grounded to reality at least or so I thought.

 

 

 

"We can't have Jessica involved."

 

 

I was supposed to answer an indignant yes of course, that's the plan, but I can't even breathe properly with Channel 05 cloaking the air and her lips touching my ears. The experience was somehow close to intoxication or getting high or both. I know what’s happening but I can’t move and I was pathetically tongue tied. It’s equally annoying and embarrassing.

 

 

"You are drooling its very unattractive just so you know."

 

 

Louder and clearer. Amused. Definitely embarrassing.

 

 

I unconsciously wiped the sides of my mouth before walking hurriedly away from Krystal and your wheezing sister. My ears and neck were all hot and my heart left me. That painting’s name was very fitting, here in this corridors happened a small death scene, or a small death scene will happen soon, hopefully not.

 

 

 

The corridor and the painting was familiar for a reason. Your room was close to that painting. I stopped in your bedroom door suddenly feeling ambivalent towards finding you here but I should do what I need to do. Even though my heart has not stopped beating erratically yet, I tapped your door with my fingers seven times like always do. I turned it as silent as I could, not really surprised that it was not locked.

 

 

In a split second, I hesitated then I heard you. I pushed the door slightly.

Thin strip of yellow light hit my face as I stood unmoving, your voice registered clearly to my ear.

 

 

"What's wrong if I'm talking to her? We're friends."

 

 

 

"You WERE friends jungie."

 

 

"I can't believe we're discussing this."

 

 

It was you, and you’re annoyed voice. I can feel the irritation just by listening so I moved closer to the door.

 

 

 

 

"Jungie you're embracing the lady. You never embrace your friends that way."

 

 

"And your point is?"

 

 

"...."

 

 

The smell of channel 05 wafted through my nose so I snapped my head left and right, and as expected your cousin was standing dangerously close to me again. She was leaning on the corridor wall, observing me with a bored expression on her face. A perfectly arched eyebrow raised when I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came because the door was being tugged forcefully on the other side.

 

 

 

I sidestepped close to Krystal with  my heart pounding harshly.

 

 

 

Minyhuk came out, closing the door gently before scanning his surroundings. He immediately caught me standing beside Krystal. He really looked surprised, I almost believed it.

 

 

 

"Ms. Liu how may I help you?" He asked in a forced polite tone.

 

 

 

The movements of his jaw made me aware that he was not pleased to see me in this part of the Jung mansion. He's eyeing me sharply, probably oblivious to the two other Jung in the hallway.

 

 

 

 

I scratched my right eyebrow to give me a few seconds to think of the best explanation. I grasped blindly for an excuse or an explanation not really convinced that I should be making one. The silence got painful each second like the urge to just throw the first punch because it's evident that your soon to be husband was thinking the same.

 

 

 

An internal battle between feigning politeness and going irrationally physical brewed in my head with the voices egging on me. I almost snapped in front of your fiancé but thankfully I didn’t because Jessica has her arms around my waist possessively before I know it, and your cousin was speaking her with civilize tone. It’s weird.

 

 

 

"She's with me and Jessi, oppa. We are here to talk to Soojung."

 

 

 

Both my eyebrows rose at the statement, but I didn't look at Krystal. My attention was focused on your fiancé. It'll be foolish to turn my back on someone who obviously wants to stab me to death.

 

 

 

Besides I was starting to get concerned because your sister remained silent beside me as she attached the side of her face to my shoulders. It’s as odd as the fact that Minyhuk’s face was blank but I can see his white knuckles clearly as he looked at your cousin.

 

 

Minyhuk’s silence was starting to make my concern elevate to worry, although a stupid thought in the back of my head tells me that he just got Krystal-wrecked as well or maybe not.

 

 

 

“Good Evening Prosecutor Jung. I'm afraid, my FIANCE can't be disturbed at the moment…"

 

 

Cordial as expected, but him blatantly ignoring his future sister in law gave me goosebumps and it’s not helping that Jessica was shaking in my arms now. I pulled her close until she’s wrapped around me.

 

 

 

 

"I'm positive she will find time for her favorite Unnie loverboy." Krystal said, I really can't help it when snap my head to your cousin’s direction. Her tone has changed from polite to icy in an instant. The edges made it clear that she thinks she's talking to a Neanderthal or something close and I have to bite my cheeks to stop myself from laughing.

 

 

 

I don't understand why she suddenly think's she can spare some time to talk to you, more importantly why she wanted to talk to you, but I can't ask her loudly while your fiancé was around so I opt to just look at her until she meet my eyes but she didn’t.

 

 

 

Her eyes were fixed on Minyhuk, gaze unwavering. She looked intimidating and hot and beautiful so I chose to follow her line of sight before I get Krystal-wrecked again.

 

 

 

Kang Minyhuk.

 

 

 

Pretty face, broad shoulders, relaxed stance, no one will ever suspect he'll do anyone any harm, and as I've said before his smile is nice but he's still part of this and that means he's part of the dangerous. Besides he scares Jessica to silent trembling so I hope Krystal stops using that tone because Minyhuk is definitely towering over the three of us and that's not really a positive angle to look at.

 

 

 

My fingers wove themselves to your sister’s hair, brushing it slowly to calm her down as I anticipate for Minyhuk’s next moves or words.  He’s looking at your cousin with unmasked hatred, he’s actually turning red or purple whichever works.

 

 

 

A quick movement from him caught my eye so I subtly turned my body around so that I am in front of Jessica. My back was almost on him, but I can still see his whole profile when I crane my neck. Krystal didn’t even move from the wall.

 

 

 

It’s still silent, and they were having staring match. It’s very unnerving, especially because Minyhuk was starting to take small steps away from the door.

 

 

I was forced to swallow when the expensive wool coat of your fiancé hitched upwards revealing a gun stuck on his belt. His hands were resting limply on the dark thing and he looked like his contemplating who to shoot first.

 

 

 

“Mr. Kang…”

 

 

The warning or pleading was left hanging in the air because your bedroom door opens wide all of a sudden.

 

 

 

You looked disconcerting and decently shocked at the sight of your fiancé being a Neanderthal but it’s not your expression that made the pulse in my temples throb hard. It’s the fact that as my gaze traveled from the now hidden gun to your fiancé’s face, I can see lust shredding all the hatred and everything else I’ve seen on that pretty face.

 

 

 

First punch will surely give me the element of surprise and the height won't matter if I covered the distance right.

 

 

 

I freed myself from Jessica’s hold and fisted my hands without thinking anything else. I took a step forward ready to break every bone in your fiancé’s pretty face and maybe use his gun against him, but I was unable to because your irritating cousin stood directly in front me. Her hand has a vice like grip on my forearm. Her nails dug deep. I can see her reflection in your vanity that was visible through the open door.

 

 

A blinding smile with all teeth visible was pasted on her flawless face that hauntingly looks the same as yours.

 

"Hello Soojung, do you mind?"

 

 

 

The sweet smile never left her face as she nodded to the open door.  You were just looking at her up and down but I continued staring at you taking you in. You looked as distracting as her not in a really positive way to be honest. I grinded my teeth as I try to catch your eyes. You know how I hate it when you dress that way in front of any man, but then I remembered he isn't just any man and it made me lightheaded. My eyes unwillingly travelled downwards to your belly.

 

 

It's stupid I know it is.

 

 

As if to give me reassurance or anything else to calm me down, Jessica was clutching into me again, not even acknowledging you.

 

 

 

ODD.

 

 

 

 

I unwillingly looked away from you everyone else to look at your sister’s face. She was paler than usual.

 

 

 

“Jess?...”

 

 

 

"Amber. Get in we need to talk."  My favorite sound in the world said silencing all the chaos and within and outside me. Everything shifted into monochrome like a spell and I was back in trance where all I see is you.

 

 

"Soojung please-"  "You do?"

 

 

Minyhuk and Krystal spoke at the same time. The annoying cool and incredulous tone that came from the latter made me roll my eyes. This was starting to be worthy of being labelled as grade school talk. Add the fact that she was not named Amber like your fiancé but they were the ones responding to you. Definitely a grade school petty, but at least it broke the trance. I pulled Jessica closer to me.

 

 

 

“You’ll be okay babe, hang in there.” A false reassurance but it’s the only thing I can do for now and to stare at you.

 

 

 

Your dishevelled hair, the adorable frown, the melted hazel brown eyes, and your lower lip that was caught in between your teeth. It’s the all too familiar sad pleading look in your eyes and I was lost yet again. More lost than I’ve ever been, because you’re here and the voices were finally silent but I don’t want to take another step closer. The strong urge to protect you was still there, same as the thirst to rip your fiancé’s throat with my bare hands, but it’s just not the same.

 

 

 

Perhaps it’s already been too long and I’ve known already that there w no butterflies in my stomach anymore because there are spiders now. Lots of spiders.

 

 

 

 

You walked closer until you’re standing in front of Krystal and I. You were blatantly disregarding whatever it was that your fiancé has in mind with the Soojung-pissed-off glare. It made me smile out of familiarity and fondness, but I didn’t take another step to cover the distance like I always do. I pulled Krystal instead.

 

 

 

It was disconcerting, my actions and yours, you didn't even notice your alarmingly silent and shaking sister in my arms.

 

 

 

You’re too focused on scrutinizing me and Krystal. I doubt that we look like we are friends or anything close to that because we are certainly not but the way you look us made it clear that you're seeing something more than what there is. It’s absurd and I can’t speak so I moved my gaze from your face to the vanity and I didn’t miss the triumphant smile that the devil has.

 

 

"Krys-tal."

 

 

Each syllable tasted bitter, said delicately in your unique English drawl. The California girl accent almost made me smile but it didn’t because the tone you used when you finally acknowledged the lady in front of me made it clear that nothing pleasant was about to happen if no one tries to diffuse the tension or maybe not.

 

 

 

Your fiancé moved like puppy dog to stand behind you his hand placed possessively in your waist. It made my limbs tremble out of frustration or anger I really don't know but the air around us felt like it'll surely suffocate me soon.

 

 

"Amber let's go, we’ll talk some other time Soojungie, I remembered we're in a hurry."

 

 

It’s a honey dipped neutral English, almost silky. It can make anyone’s toes curl or in our case at the moment, take a deep breathe simultaneously. Before I can decided how to react to your cousins very low jab of using her bedroom voice she’s hauling me away from you, dragging Jessica in the process.