The prosecutor has long gone but I was left looking at the white knuckles on my lap. I was breathing evenly but my mind was going on an overdrive. I have always been like this, but today seemed worse. I really thought she was you. It felt like I have cheated on you, even if you're not mine anymore. Even if technically I didn't do anything wrong.

 

 

 

Normal people embrace each other right? You loved it when I gave you backhugs. It didn't seem like your cousin minded the skin contact but it feels so wrong that the embrace felt so right.

 

 

 

I seriously need smoke.

 

 

 

As if on cue, my favorite little buddy appeared on my side looking at me expectantly. He's holding a rectangular object on his short arms. I bet you remember him. He's the boy we shared lunch with 2 years ago, or maybe not. I gave him all the change in my pocket in exchange for a cigarette stick. He asked for you as he handed the cancer stick to me but I didn’t answer. I just shook my head slowly and he got the message. He left immediately after I have ignited the poison.

 

 

 

I walked away from the hospital to sit on a steel bench, not really that far from the one I was seated at a while ago. It’s far enough not to have anyone bothering me. I really hate being reprimanded by the guard about smoking in the hospital premises.

 

 

 

The white smoke blocked my view of the passerbys.

 

 

 

Every swig added to the bitter taste to my mouth but I kept on inhaling the poison as some sort of punishment for what I have done. It that I can't control my anger when you’re not with me. That's one of the million reasons why I obviously need to have you back in my life.

 

 

 

You've always stick with me regardless of how difficult I can be. I know you have your moments too, but I need to learn somehow. Relationships are not one sided, I will not always be the one to be chased. You're the only one I have ever chased in my entire existence Soojung-ah. I hope that makes a difference when the aftermath of the events that will surely happen ends.

 

 

 

A loud cough forced its way out of my mouth when I exhaled again. The dark stains on my jacket sleeves remind me of the amount of dry blood I have seen this morning. It made me feel nauseous. I took another long swig of the marlboro red and was utterly disappointed when I realized that I reached the filter already. I threw it away with a flick of my fingers, my mind busy telling my body not to throw up again.

 

 

 

 

I seriously feel ty right now. I want to see you and talk to you again. I know you're innocent. You just need to help me prove your innocence then I won't have to get involved with Tiffany's murder.

 

 

 

 

Another cough that turned into a coughing fit stopped me from thinking too much about you. I stood up groggily, making my way towards the hospital. I could really use some water or new lungs. Neither was at arm’s reach.

 

 

 

I slumped back on the bench we're I cheated on you with your twin cousin when I reached it. My lungs won’t work even if forcefully take deep breathes. With my hands on my knees, I tried to take mouthfuls of air, and it still felt like I’m coming up short. Trying feebly to control my erratic breathing got harder each second. to have a bronchial asthma when smoking is your stress reliever.

 

 

 

I really should find another hobby.

 

 

 

A hand on my back, stopped me from coughing my lungs off. An inhaler was shoved in my face before I heard the annoying voice of your sister nagging me about smoking. I have heard her speech a thousand times before so I ignored her and focused on my breathing.

 

 

 

She's sitting beside me with her eyebrows furrowed worriedly when I looked at her and I grinned as a sign of gratitude. She glared at me in return. I secretly fear her more than you because I know she'll really judo flip me or something if she have the skills so I try to distract her, by asking about you, genuinely curious about what you must have done in the span of 2 hours anyway.

 

 

 

"What's the lastest about Soojung babe?"

 

 

 

I used her favorite term of endearment of course. I still wonder why it's needed because I am perfectly fine calling her Jess. Like how I am perfectly fine saying your name again and again, but you and your sister insists that I use terms of endearment. Maybe it’s a Jung thing. I remembered laughing hard at your expression when I mimicked that sappy movie you like to watch and call you baby girl.

 

 

 

"Soojung will be getting married in two weeks, I really thought you should know before the media starts going on frenzy about the wedding." 

 

 

That burst the bubble of our happy memories.

 

 

 

"What?! I thought they said it's in two years. Her engagement has been all over my face for at least half a month last year."

 

 

 

"I'm sorry Amber."

 

 

She tried to pull me into her shoulder but I resisted her. The anger was starting to burst in my chests again. My nails dug dip on my palms as I try hard not to break in front of your sister. So you're really serious a while ago, but someone close to you just died, how could you and that guy think of continuing that madness.

 

 

 

"Why so sudden?" I whispered harshly.

 

 

"I don't know."

 

 

Just by the tone of her voice I know she knew. I looked her in the eyes and ask her again.

 

 

"Tell me, Jess."

 

 

She remained silent.

 

 

"Please."

 

 

She just shook her head. Looking back at me with pity and sadness. I hate it when she looks at me that way. At least you never look at me that way. The anger died down slowly when she brushed the red hair pasted on my forehead. Her other hand was drawing circles on my knuckles as she try to calm me down.

 

 

"You should really let her go Am."

 

 

 

I wanted to lash on her but a distant memory made me chuckle softly all of a sudden. She raised her eyebrow at that.

 

 

"Did you know Jess, we've talk about this before, me and jungie. She says-"

 

 

"shhh,"

 

 

"No please listen"

 

 

"Amber"

 

 

"no no no,"

 

 

"Babe she's getting married already."

 

 

"I know, but please listen, please..."

 

 

"Okay, but no more after this."

 

 

I nod my head before speaking again.

 

 

"She was on the roll about her thing about forever, that girl and her silly way of thinking," I chuckled again. Jessica was just looking at me listening attentively to my story, she urged me to continue with a slight nod.

 

 

"I ruined her moment just like always of course. I told her that when the time comes that she would be walking the aisle to marry the guy who loves her next, I promised I'll be there. You see Jess I never promised her to be the one who'll wait at the other end of the aisle, so now I'm getting it. I'm laughing because she really looked so pissed that day. You should've have seen her face. She almost tear my scalp of by tugging me hard, while furiously giving me a long speech about how we will be together forever."

 

 

 

I still have a small smile on my face when I finished the story. The facial expression of your sister didn't change at all. I looked at her expectantly to hear her reaction. She didn't say anything, she just tugged on my arm instead.

 

 

 

We were almost pass the second floor west wing when she spoke to me again.

 

 

 

"Come on kiddo, let's not keep the bakedmac waiting. You really should start dating other people, maybe you'll like my new patient. She'll be back after lunch for a prophy, she's really really pretty and intelligent. Definitely your type."

 

 

 

Your sister pulled me by my arm, as we walk the busy corridor of the hospital. She didn't give any reaction about one of my favorites story of you and me. I wonder if your sister was getting tired of hearing the same old . Did you thought of that moment too when you agreed to get married to him in two weeks princess or maybe you're as tired as Jess of our same old .

 

 

 

I stood still at the doorsteps of Jessica’s office. Vic was already there with her hand in her face. She looked exhausted judging by the slump of her shoulders. It's almost surprising that Dr. Choi was with her as well. Everything looked perfectly normal, especially when your sister sat lazily on her office chair, motioning me to take the empty seat on in front of her.

 

Why aren't you and your sister going crazy about Tiffany getting murdered? Something is really really wrong here.

 

 

***

 

 

I was seated on one of the high-back foamed chair on a Mediterranean restaurant in the heart of the city. My attire seemed juxtaposed to everything around me but I can't give a damn at the moment. I really need cash so I could quit my night job. I need time to do the research and investigate because it seems like I have a wedding to make happen, and the odds of the case getting solved before the wedding is just as close as Atty Kim winning a case. (He’s just terrible it’s painful to watch.)

 

 

 

Out of boredom, I played with the inhaler on my pocket, glancing warily at the glass doors of the restaurant every now and then. My friend told me that the client will be meeting me in a coffee shop. I wonder why there's a sudden change of plans.

 

 

 

 

I locked my jaw and kept my facial expression blank when my client showed his handsome face in front of me. If it's not your favorite guy in the world not blood related to you, I wonder who else is. He's on his douche attire. I never thought the ceo's son should be dressing up as well as this too.

 

 

I shook his hand in a firm grip.

 

 

What the is this doing here? I asked loudly in my head as he ushered the two of us to sit. The air was as thick as my mother's favorite shakespeare collection as the waiter waits for our orders. I never really liked eating this gourmet stuff but I ordered the most expensive dish this restaurant offers. I'll just enjoy causing a dent to his father's riches. He didn't mind it at all. He ordered us sauvignon blanc. I smiled at that. He likes it white.

 

 

 

I watched him suspiciously, waiting for the punchline. I still don't get why we’re having this meeting at all. It’s apparently a business deal, but the feeling of ambivalence towards working for him makes me sick in the stomach. There’s strong urge to break his jaw among other things. It only stopped when the wine was served. I apologize in advance if I any damage I may or may not cause to your soon to be husband's pretty face soojung-ah.

 

 

 

I gulped it dry. He smirked at that. As if I care about his reaction. He breaks the silence.

 

 

 

"Thank you for coming Ms. Liu. An old flame recommended you and I must say that your works are brilliant."

 

 

I grunted at his words, not bothering to give him a verbal response. I didn't know that your fiance is this terrible at lying.

 

 

 

"What do you want Minyhuk-ssi?" I asked with fake politeness. He's a client after all. Besides he’s your soon to be husband, I should practice being nice to him. It that you’re getting married to this douche. Why does this still hurt like hell? I've been over this for more than 365 days already.

 

 

 

"I want you to draw the family portrait for our wedding."

 

 

 

"What makes you think I would do that?" I asked passive aggressively. The pretense of being nice forgotten. I really can't help it. It’s surprising that my teeth was still intact for how hard I’ve been grinding them.

 

 

"Look, Amber, I know you don't like me for your bestfriend's sister. I get that, but Soojung seems to care so much for your opinion even after all this time. Maybe she will not be difficult if you give your approval."

 

 

I breathe in through my nose and raised my glass for another serving of wine. The nerve of this pompous . I wanted to flip the table on him already. He didn't really get it all really didn't he? I guess you really have a thing for dense partners.

 

 

"Besides you're really good honestly." he added feebly, as if it'll help.

 

 

I just stared at him, still at lost why he wants me to do that. Didn't this rich boy know that I don't draw colored things anymore. I draw portraits that are white black and grey, but not with colors, not even with a tinge of red. I can never draw with colors again.

 

 

I just hope you’re not in with this guy for this madness. Why does he even insist on marrying you if for him you're being difficult anyway?

 

 

He's looking at me expectantly. Naive or pretending to be. I asked the obvious.

 

 

 

"What does drawing your family portrait have do with my approval? If you want that badly, I can make an affidavit for you, with dry seal and all."

 

 

 

He laughed at my statement. Apparently I was not sarcastic enough to make him understand that I hate the idea that he’s proposing right now. They must have legit expensive glasses here, the one I was holding still in one piece. I wonder what you see in this guy. He’s silent, I can read his face easily, what a tool.

 

 

 

He's taking his sweet time arranging the table napkin on his lap. I ignored mine, observing him. Observing the next one you love. Maybe I should give him the speech I've created when you're still mine. It's getting obvious with the turn out of events that you're not coming back to me anymore. I don't feel like breathing after I've manage to make your wedding happen without you behind the bars.

 

 

 

"She'll think I force you to do that, I can't have her hating me Amber. Not when I'm going to be the father of her child soon." Your fiance said nonchalantly. Like the logic and the reasoning behind his words made their weight less than how much they meant.

 

 

I blinked again and again, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. This must be lying.

 

 

"Aren't you forcing me now?" I managed to say, my voice too weak for my liking. He seemed to be enjoying my reaction, that smile still plastered in his face. He has a really bright smile that must've been the reason why you like him so much.

 

 

 

"I am not, I will honestly beg if I have to. Soojung," he sighed, as if he's feeling half the pain that I was feeling, even I was clueless how I was still sitting upright. "She's having second thoughts about the wedding. I thought that maybe with your approval, she'll stop having those second thoughts. You drawing it is a strong enough proof of support,"

 

 

 

He paused looking serious, as if he's contemplating for the right words. I tried to open my mouth to tell him whatever will come out of my lips. My chest was hurting too much. He spoke before I was able to make a sound.

 

 

"I just want to take care of her and our baby. Please help me. Help Soojung make up her mind."

 

 

 

I watched how he slowly kneels down in front of me. The arrogant man a while ago gone. I was not surprised at all, a perfect example of your effect on people. He has his head bowed down.

 

 

"I know you hate me, for her Amber, but please help me. Help me give Soojung and our baby a complete family. You know how her brain works. I know too. I know she's planning something. She's not listening to the Colonel anymore..."

 

 

Your fiance was breaking down in front of me. I almost pity him, but I just stared. I wonder how you would feel if you see him this way. I glared at the onlookers, before pulling him up to his seat.

 

 

"When do I do it?"

 

 

He almost leaped from his chair but I raised my finger to stop him. I still want to break his face, but I am doing this for you. This guy must be saying the truth. I believe him not because he’s crumbling in my feet but because it makes sense. Jessica doesn't want to tell because she knew it too and it's true that you’re doing it again. Everything was starting to make sense now. You and your thousand piece of mind.

 

 

 

"This weekend. I'll send you the details. I-"

 

 

"I don't want your money Minyhuk."

 

 

 

I didn't wait for his answer. I stood up and run away from that pretentious place where they serve great wines. I could feel how I was slowly breaking down from the inside. I could tell. The voices were starting to echoe in my head as my heart palpitates like crazy, like a have a very bad case of Mithral valve prolapse.

 

 

 

I run away as far as I can from people, failing but trying hard to convince myself that I was doing this for you and your soon to be child.

 

 

 

The damned things I do for you.

 

 

 

The sound of flesh hitting rough stone cold surfaces echoed with my sobs. The voices in my head were mocking me again. I almost broke all the bones in my fingers, if I didn't remember that I have to draw for you.

 

 

I stopped.

 

 

***

 

I took off the bandage in my hands and enclosed it with black gloves. I was wearing tux. Your family dinner has always been the coat and tie event I dread the most, but there I was standing in front of my bathroom's mirror, wearing what I think was a very ridiculous pair of clothes.

 

 

I fixed my tie. You taught me how to do this ages ago, but I can still hear you murmur softly to my ears how to do the simple knot. I remembered it so well that I shivered without knowing. 

 

 

Jessica barged in before I got lost in your memories again, that's what I've been doing since the talk with your fiance. I should really get ready to losing you completely. I sighed as your sister hugged me from behind.

 

 

"I'm nervous Amber." She whispered to the back of my neck, her arms were locked on waist like how I used to hug you. I tried to ignore it. I held her hands and gave it a squeeze.

 

 

We’re both scared.

 

 

"Jess, hey, they're still your parents okay? They love you regardless." I tried the only argument I can think of that can ease her anguish.

 

 

"That's not always a guarantee babe. You know how it is. I am the greatest disappointment dad has ever had. Now I'll be disappointing him again."

 

 

 

Her voice was breaking in the end and I made her face me, so I can hug her back.

 

 

"Shut up Jung. No he's not. He is just being an at that moment, but he's secretly proud. Who won't be proud of the best Periodontist in this city? Besides, you don't have to worry about pleasing him anymore, you're too old for that Ajhumma."

 

 

 

"Jerk!"

 

 

 

"Hey be nice."

 

 

 

"Handsome Jerk!"

 

 

 

"That's still not nice."

 

 

 

"Thanks ber. I love you."

 

 

"I know."

 

 

I pulled back giving her a toothy grin before dragging her out of my apartment. I was not excited for the dinner, but of course I wanted to see you. I badly needed to see you. The voices were being so mean each night.

 

 

 

The ride to the Jung mansion was engulfed in comfortable silence. I didn't really mind it, because I'm too busy overthinking. Trying to coax the voices to be nice because I seriously can not break down in front of the Jungs. You know how much I value your family's approval specially your dad's because you love him so much. That's honestly one of the things I love the most about you, your unconditional love for someone like your dad. I never loved my father but I am willing to love yours because you love him, too. I know that thought doesn't make sense to you, but to me it does. Even to my demons it does.

 

 

 

Butler Im opened the door for us with a bright smile on his face. I tapped his shoulder and returned his smile. It's been a while since I last saw him. He seemed to have aged since the last time. He bowed back before ushering us to the common room. I wondered where you were as soon as we stepped in.

 

 

Jessica excused herself when we reached the dinning room, mumbling about make up problems or something like that. I just let her be. I don't think the colonel will take it kindly that we walked in with our arms linked together regardless of how he's already used to it. I allowed the shadows to hide me from your family and Kangs.

 

 

 

My eyes were doing an overtime job looking for you when Minyhuk's eyes lock with mine.

 

 

 

Great.

 

 

 

I can't even enjoy Mrs. Jung's risotto. I just gave him nod in response, not really in the mood to give him a fake smile. I guess I'll have to "show my support" without having the chance to even talk to you. His head jerked to the direction of the common room and I walked to the room’s threshold slowly.

 

 

 

It was slightly bigger than a five star hotel’s ball room. They have placed a velvet sofa in the middle just a little to the left of the outer most chandelier. It looked sad and I stared at it a little longer.

 

 

 

All the sound in the room died down when the colonel emerged on top of the long winding staircase. I searched for your sister. I know she's already having a mini panic attack because your father really look grim. It's not helping that he's still on his uniform.

 

 

He went down with you in tow.

 

 

I know I've said a million times before that you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, but I will say it again. You really are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It's not the dress or the way you walk down with those stilettos. It's that damn expression and the twinkle in your eyes. You're glowing. I just can't look away from you, even after everyone was starting to gather around the foot of the staircase. I moved to the shadows, still wondering why I was here. My mind was oddly blank even my demons were mesmerized by you.

 

 

I kept on staring.

 

 

"You know her father can shoot you dead for the way you’re looking at her right?"

 

 

I know that voice well enough now. I almost asked why she's here but I didn't. Of course she's here she knows you or so she says.

 

 

 

"Why aren't you joining your flock Prosecutor Jung."

 

 

"None of your business." She answered in a cold tone before sauntering to the other end of the room. The way she walks distracted me from taking you in. I hurriedly look back. It felt like I am cheating with my eyes.

 

 

What the is wrong with me.

 

 

I reached for a glass from one of the people serving drinks. Not bad, a chardonnay. I drank it all in a gulp, feeling terrible each passing second because he's beside you. He was pulling you close to him with his hands in your waist. I could see it clearly from the shadows. Like a never ending horror film. Your stance was comfortable, at least I know was doing the right thing for you.

 

 

 

Everyone were slowly moving gather in the great velvet sofa. It’s fascinating how they can keep all the conversations going. All I could hear were a cacophony of noise. It's time to do my job.

 

 

 

My fingers were itching, aching a little, but I held on to the camera hanging on my neck. I just need to take a picture, I don't need to draw this while I stare at the two of you in flesh. I don't think I can do it. My arms were trembling.

 

 

Your fiancé spoke in his well-modulated voice before I could ask everyone to stand closer to each other, the Kangs to the left, Jungs to the right. Even the Colonel looked pleased. I set the camera first. The lighting should be perfect, it's hard to draw black, white and grey if I didn't capture it on the right angle. Maybe I should’ve brought the tripod, monopod or the softboxes, my hands were trembling. At least, the lighting in the room was perfectly bright.

 

 

 

Jessica appeared from the door on the farthest left, I smiled when you pulled her to beside you. That's my girl, comforting her older sister. I was momentarily distracted as I watched you and my bestfriend. I didn't even notice my boss nodding at my direction.

 

 

 

I tested the light again by taking a picture of you and Jessica. I was getting ready to take another shot when a pretty face obscured the view.

 

 

God, your cousin has some serious problems with me.

 

 

"Are you on meth?!" She was saying harshly as she dragged me forcefully to the door where Jessica came from a while ago. She locked the toilet door before facing me. She didn't even let me answer her question.

 

 

"Why did you agree to do that? Just Go home Ms. ert."

 

 

"None of your business. Let me out, I have a job to finish."

 

I answered trying to get pass Krystal. She didn't let me through though. She slammed me to the door, pinning me with her cold hands. I was dazed, unable to understand what's going on, thankful that there's a camera hanging on my neck. She can't get too close. Channel 05 was making me dizzy. I don't need this now princess. Your evil twin cousin must be demented or something.

 

 

 

 

"…You won’t get out of this room, unless you want to go home." Krystal was telling me on a neutral tone, I didn’t get half what she was saying. The way she said the syllables sounds cold but it sounds beautiful. An order from the devil maybe. She's using her eyes to lure me. It seems as dark as my soul.

 

 

Soojung, who is she really?

 

 

"Why are you doing this?" I tried to break the silence. I can not take her proximity anymore. It's suffocating me at the same time fascinating me. Why does she have to look like you? We're both breathing unevenly.

 

 

"I don't know." She answered without even winking.

 

 

I closed my eyes when she moves closer. Aren't we close enough. I can already count the little freckles on her nose before. I whimpered when her cold fingers brushes the tiny hairs the back of my neck as she reached out for the strap of the camera then she pulled it off without warning.