Approximately 5 years ago, in a road near a kaki lane somewhere.

 

The orangey tang of persimmons bordering the sides of the curves hypnotizes me in a lazy swing. We're drifting too slowly on the winding path but I didn’t voice out my displease about the velocity and opt to let the orange brown and blue blur distract me instead. It's that or that annoying desire to take you all in yet again, I'd always prefer the colors.

 

 

My sister’s glee rang in the small confines of the pick-up truck as she guffaws at whatever you have said. It's disturbing how she can be this carefree at the moment when her relationship with the Ok guy is starting to hit the rock bottom. It's a terribly rough and hard time as she put it with unapologetic tears in her eyes. I have to look away from the tangy chromatic scene to stop my wondering.

 

 

Jessica's head is tilted to the side as she looks at you. The disconcerting grin she is wearing is complimented with shining wetness on the sides of her eyes, it's glinting brightly. Fondness overflows in her expression even after you slap her raised hands rudely. It makes me frown.

 

 

"Love you more Ambro."

 

 

 

My head snaps quickly to the designated driver of this long unnerving journey. Seunghyunie oppa's low bass hum always catches my attention, although this time it's playfulness of the statement that makes me curious. His gaze is locked ahead, knuckles relaxed on the steering wheel as a ghost of a smile teases his face. He's probably closer to you than I thought.

 

 

 

I looked away from the three of you turning back to the colorful blur, my ears strained. The yearning is making the blur harder to make out than before. An accented Korean mixed with an English cuss follows oppa’s voice. The drawl admittedly cute with its edges and sharps. I grit my teeth for those thoughts.

 

 

"Vomit. Gross Hyung what the , focus on the road will you and stop hitting on me it's disturbing."

 

You're grumbling unattractive colorful words beside Jessi as she laughs at your outburst with my boyfriend. I fight the itch to look back at your fuming form behind me and lock my gaze on Seunghyunie oppa instead. The long nose, his plump lips, the boy next door look that used to make me giddy seems ordinary to me now. It must've been absorbed in the black and white world like everything else. The scars matches the unbearable itch I rub it furiously as you get on with your cussing and it drags on and on.

 

 

Your statement was backed up with Jessica's thin intones after awhile. I tuned all of you off again, hardly ever interested of other people's business or so I tell myself. My nails are slowly scratching my arms, digging deep each time. The change is throwing me off of my equilibrium. Everything is in chaos, my head that is never silent echoes louder with questions and the intrigue that's rigging my nerves whenever you are involved is starting to get worse.

 

 

 

 

What are you doing to me Amber Liu?

 

 

 

Fighting the urge to scream in frustration, I rolled the window down to allow the breeze wash away the disconcerting thoughts and stop the irritating discontent inside me. With the wind brushing the flesh and bones, my mind slowly relaxes and my soul stops squirming little by little. The scenic view helps as the teasing rays of the sun makes the picturesque tangerine tempting. I snap a few. Framing and keeping a tad bit of the wonders. Today my favorite color is orange.

 

 

 

Warm hand rests on my arm, making the last shot more blurry than intended. I stared at the hand then trace the limbs until my eyes rests on the face that used to make my heart flutter. He smiles toothlessly at me, squeezing my arm before mouthing something I really didn't catch. My head bobs in a nod which resulted to his boyish lopsided grin. It makes me smile back at him.

 

 

 

Our fingers are intertwined when his focus shifts back to the dirt road.

 

 

 

Oddly it makes me uncomfortable because my hand is getting sweaty. He didn't seem to mind, but I do. Cutting the connection would be rude though so I spent the rests of the ride waiting for unnie's reprimand or her protests towards the open window or my silence but nothing came. She's too busy giggling and gushing at her seatmate. You again.

 

 

 

I didn't dare look back, getting more and more nauseous of the repetitive blurry view of the persimmon lane.

 

 

***

 

 

The sound of gravel crunching steals me away from reverie. My sweaty palms are now free of the weight as my boyfriend stretches his lithe form behind the steering wheel. Silence echoes from the back of the car because the two other passengers are probably asleep or maybe not

 

 

"hey."

 

 

"hey."

 

 

"Sleepy?"

 

 

A head shakes from left to right twice, lazily, resulting to a fond smile. I forced the lump down in my throat and will my eyes to return the loving gaze that’s starting to get asphyxiating.

 

 

 

"What's wrong baby?"

 

 

"Hungryyyy."

 

 

A pathetic lie, loud snort echoes within me but I kept it all in my head. Seunghyun oppa chuckles at my response reaching out for the top of my head. He pats it affectionately and my stomach squirms. The bad way.

 

 

"Bread?"

 

 

A frown that is already drawn deepens. He took it the wrongly.

 

 

"Lot's of bread and gelato if they have it."

 

 

The word gelato makes my eye shine like a little kid. It's out of reflex, one of my weakness. I groan inwardly as the reaction encourages him.

 

 

"Bingo."

 

 

He kisses my temple smiling uncharacteristically at me. The churning in my stomach is getting worse. I hold on to the sides of my seat tighter, he didn't notice it as he turns to Jessi and you. I mimic him against my better judgment.

 

 

Jessica unnie’s head is on your lap as she concentrates hard on whatever it is on her phone while you're looking at the other side of the window, bobbing your head a little. I can make out faint sounds of drum beats from the earpiece concealed under the long fringe.

 

 

 

I fail to stop myself from staring at you longer than it is appropriate. Suddenly, tangerine blur is not my favorite color today. It's the color of your hair, crimson. I've always loved crimson. It blends with the view behind the pick-up truck, nothingness emphasized by blue and white feathers.

 

 

Oppa and Unnie are back to the annoying bantering but their voices sounds indistinctive to me. My focus is terribly skewed towards the light tricks and the crimson. You are beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

Door opens and closes. Your head turns towards the sound.

 

 

The colors seems to writhe until it succeeds in following the locks of your red tresses. You’re turning me into a psychedelic mess as an unnerving calm slowly wriggles through the surface.

 

 

 

Another door makes a sound and it finally startles me to regain enough consciousness to sit back properly. My head is back swimming with thoughts in an instant and no wind or view is handy this time. Deep long sigh originates deep within me as I hit the back of my head on my seat again and again.

 

 

"Woah woah, are you that giddy being infanticized?"

 

 

“Huh?"

 

 

"Uh, Baaaby? Seriously never knew TOP can be that...nevermind. Just stop doing that. It's annoying."

 

 

The hotness in my neck creeps faster than my accelerating heartbeat. Excitement rushes through my veins for unexplainable reasons as I hear you address me for the first time today. My soul hums in approval as I turn my body to face you fully appraising your presence. You’re looking away from me but I can make out the fidgeting of your eyes.

 

 

I started with, “Why do you care?” observing you closely. Watching your eyebrows furrow, and your lips press together in a thin line. You hate the why obviously. My dishevelled thoughts are swarming in delight.

 

 

“I don’t. It’s just annoying, the movements makes me dizzy.”

 

 

“Really?”

 

 

 

“Really. Why? Should there be any other reason Baby Jung?”

 

 

 

“…”

 

 

“Ugh”

 

 

The taste of blood makes me release my chapped lips as I try making a reasonable response, or any response at all. You’re looking at me with a pained expression, you hate the taste of the infant word. I can not tease you though. It seems like there’s a vacuum in between us that is pulling me in. I can’t even meet your eyes in fear that I will be swallowed whole. The seatbelt strains.

 

 

 

“I don’t know.” My heart starts betraying me more in a dizzying gallop as my soul swings back and forth in a hazy sway, calm and fear or frustration or astonishment. I can’t tell. The whispered answer is barely audible but I know you heard it. Your expression shifts in to something I’ve never seen before.

 

 

 

“Soojung, I will break you. I will just break you beyond repair so whatever it is that you’re thinking whenever you’re staring at me like that, forget it.”

 

 

Your Korean quickens a few notches. The seriousness of your tone feels like claws dragging through my skin. Heaviness start pressing within and outside my body as the adrenaline rush surges. It is as if I’m caught doing something wrong as my fight or flight reflex becomes more and more insistent each millisecond. I burst almost incoherently.

 

 

“What?! What are you babbling about? Get real stupid.”

 

 

“You’re watching me sleep last night.”

 

 

The statement hangs me in the edge of nothingness. It’s a truth that I will never admit to. I denied it in an even indignant tone as I slowly try reclaim any semblance of calm. The vacuum is spinning faster, drawing me closer.

 

 

“I am not.”

 

 

“You’re watching me smoke in the bleachers too, you should stop going there.”

 

 

Anger flares as the still rational part of me imposes the safest and easiest response, that won’t tear the walls. The monochrome burst in colors as I my eyes meet yours.

 

 

“Listen here, you arrogant scrawny -“

 

 

“No you listen to me little princess. The thrill will be over before you know it. I’m nothing exciting, just a hole in your galaxy and Top loves you pathetically. Stop this.”

 

 

You’re returning the intensity of my gaze as your breathing hitches with mine. The glint in your eyes flares, the brightest I’ve ever seen. It me faster than the vacuum that is brewing in between us. Velcro’s lock as the seatbelt chains me away from you, I responded in trance.

 

 

“Stop what? I’m not doing anything. I love him too just so you know.”

 

 

“I still can’t believe people take ownership of that word like that. How could you? No don’t answer that, just continue loving him for your own good.”

 

 

“Why can I sense bitterness? My oh my, the Amber Liu is Jealous. Yeah?”

 

My response is softer than your statement. Teasing. I whimper in my mind when you look away. The high left me exhausted, but I want to hear you say yes. I crave for you to take back what you said about me loving him because I can’t anymore. It’s draining the colors in my galaxy.

 

 

“Tada Gelato express for Princess Jung. Where’s Sica?”

 

 

I never knew I’d hate to hear the alluring timbre of my lover’s voice until now.

 

 

Approximately 20 months ago, Library within a mansion somewhere

 

 

The ground pushes my soles harder each step I take. Evergreen carpet clings to me, as heavy footfalls echo in the corridor I dread the most for various reasons. The memories it triggers for instance. It’s automatic whenever that painting caught my sight.

 

 

 

A time machine that transports me to a place miles away with different flooring and wallpapers but the same canvass. The girl in white in the woods look down on me. I am eight again, and lost in the vast silence. It’s not dark but I’m terrified.

 

 

 

It’s eerie until fur elise echoes like a nightmarish background music, then it’s my father’s voice merrily praising someone I am supposed to love like how I love him. Maybe you are right about how Love is just a word with a lot of symbolical s attached to it or maybe not because I can’t put up Hana and that word in one sentence without choking and gasping with the bitter taste.

 

 

 

The proud clap echoes until it hurts my ear. I drag my soul out of the memories. Frowning at The Girl, I stood in front of the door ready to knock.

 

 

“So we can prosecute even if the tribunal is still in effect? I’ve read the jurisprudence, all of them, but it won’t hurt to know your honest opinion about cases like this. Most of the theories hardly apply when that much is at stake.”

 

 

 

“Hana.” A throat is cleared. “Krystal, you already know the answer to your question. Is it really necessary ask me that? Does your uncle know this? You know some of the rules strain.”

 

 

“It’s admittedly unorthodox but it’s still beyond that sphere so no harm done. I just don’t like taking chances. Besides pragmatic appeals more to me if that explains it.” A short pause “Kindly answer my question Colonel.”

 

 

“When will you ever call me appa? Or Papa or dad even pops?”

 

 

 

An exasperated sigh.

 

 

“Fine don’t answer that. Although out of curiosity, would you be interested in joining the government? I’m positive that you will be a very charismatic politician like Lee Kuan Yew. I know his type of pragmatic fascinates you, I’ve read your dissertation.”

 

 

“…”

 

 

“I should have known.”

 

 

“…”

 

 

“As I’ve said you know the answer to your question just reread the fourth case of 1996 under that search key word…”

 

 

Pages flips rapidly.

 

 

 

“Is there anything else I can help you with? You should come home more often, the tide is already calm. ”

 

 

Flipping sounds fades out.

 

 

“Right. Thank you sir. Do you have any more suggestions?”

 

 

“….Don’t enrage that defense lawyer Hana your still an intern, listen to your Uncle.”

 

 

“I’ll leave now. Thank you for meeting me Colonel.”

 

 

“Krystal please, you know you’re hurting me with the formal speech…”

 

 

“…”

 

 

”Be careful.”

 

 

The sudden long silence propounded by the slight shuffling in the other side of the door makes me jolt from my position as the feeling of dread coats me. Imagining the possible scenarios if I am caught eavesdropping makes my neurons get wired with possibilities. It’s either those horrendous scenarios or being trapped in the past again. I opt to turn to the past, feeling an unnerving heaviness in my soul. The green eyed monster I thought I’ve crushed when my twin and I were torn apart was glaring back at me.

 

 

Van Gogh’s masterpiece dazzles, drowning everything until it’s only the girl I see. Envy eats me inside out as I choke at my own bitterness for the nth time in front of me.

 

 

A soft click.

 

 

“Well hello Soojungie. The old man is yours.”

 

 

I turn slowly shaking my head surreptitiously to make the taunting tones of fur Elise stop. My mirror image frowns, she reaches out for my cheeks. It makes me flinched.

 

 

Two steps backward, she remains unmoving. Her head tilts to the side as she scrutinizes me like a microscopic specimen. The sole illumination of the room makes her onyx eyes gleam. I return her gaze, as the green eyed monster tries to crawl out through venomous syllables.

 

 

 

She beats me to it. Monotonous and articulate as always.

 

 

 

“At least you’re a step ahead. Don’t talk of love in front of him Jungie. You’re rational, you won’t do anything idiotic.”

 

 

“Stop telling me what to do!” The silent menacing whisper didn’t faze her. She’s just looking back at me like the girl in white in the forest.

 

 

 

“Okay. Truce. Just stop bawling your eyes out it won’t help you with that ordeal. Remember never mention the word love Soojung, trust me. “

 

 

 

I would have preferred an antagonistic reply or one that is in plain English, but that’s hard to come across with my doppelganger. She’s nonchalance personified and it makes me angrier than I’ve expected. The green now red hot, rising rapidly. I clench my fist as I thought of phrases that may cut deep.

 

 

“Well now, Go on. Go in.”

 

 

“Soojung-ah?”

 

 

The door opens snapping the red flow that has solidified. My head hurts with the thoughts surging back and forth as my father steps out of the library. Krystal immediately bows to him politely, surprising us but I remains silent. Dad looks pensive, a look I haven’t seen for years it makes me anxious as my twin’s cryptic nonsense ricochets in the depths of my brain.

 

 

Silence.

 

 

He beacons me with a smile. The warmth still not fading after all these years. His onyx eyes soft.

 

 

“Papa I missed you.”

 

 

I’m being honest despite the turmoil within me and Krystal finds it amusing. I glare at her.

 

 

“And papa misses you too baby girl. Come inside. We need to discuss something.”

 

 

The one winks and gives me a lingering glance before walking away.

 

 

Approximately 30 minutes ago, somewhere in a hospital parking lot.

 

 

The stink of antiseptic chases me in to the confines of the car. It fuses with the smell of leather and another secret makes the smell almost unbearable for my too sensitive nose. I tap the windows down to invite the freshness inside. It’s the first mistake I’ve made, I made three.

 

 

 

Dingy and old, the spot light that illuminates the carpool was getting attacked by insects but the little things are no match for the light, until it starts flicking, then it’s gone.

 

 

 

I’m left alone panting in the dark. My errand in the hospital has been done but it feels like I missed something important. I start the engine and turn on the headlights as I reach for my purse. All my attention is focused on how I could find my phone from my purse. Another mistake.

 

 

 

It was probably too late when I hear the clicking of the car doors lock, windows rise. Suddenly I have company. Someone I know so well, her onyx eyes bore at me lazily like it always does. Tracing the features that we share until it rest on my hands buried deep on my purse.

 

 

 

“One pound of flesh no more no less. No cartilage no bone but only flesh.”

 

 

Her voice sounds huskier than usual as she recites a quasi-Shakespearean quote out of nowhere, I try to stop her speech by chiming in feeling annoyed of her imposing presence.

 

 

“This task done the light shall go free.” I recited in English, weighing my options. The look on her face causes goosebumps all over but I won’t give her the satisfaction of knowing that. She’s wearing a tattered white dress.

 

 

 

“Soojung, who killed Tiffany?”

 

 

She calls for my name the way you do, then the question rang. Straightforward, unapologetic not even curious. A taunt, I bit back the cuss words, second guessing where this conversation is going.

 

 

 

“You know the answer to that question.”

 

 

 

“But Amber doesn’t and she wants to know. Who killed the general’s daughter Soojungie, you saw it didn’t you?”

 

 

Another try to push my buttons, but I’ve known better. Years of dealing with the devil taught me that. You’re existence in my lost made me better at this too. Our universe will collide soon again. This time, it’ll fuse.

 

 

“What are you up to Krystal? Why are you here?”

 

 

 

“Amber Liu. The consigliere’s daughter, I want her, do you even know how special she is? Photographic memory so y.”

 

 

 

I gulp for air as I try to remain calm and lucid. The insult is rubbing my bones as the smell of leather antiseptic mixed with her scent swirls around the car. Traces of you lingers inside, too. My heartbeat sprints as a scary thought thumps my soul again and again.

 

 

“Oh come on Krystal, you’re too in love with Miyoungie to mean that. Stop this mind games. I need to go home now if you don’t mind.” I managed an equally biting retort, returning her gaze, the triumphant look that is getting visible makes the thumping stop. I lock my jaw.

 

 

 

“You don’t get it, didn’t you? If you’re living in reality would you continue loving someone who’s ah-pathetically enamoured of a midget? It still seems like we live in different worlds. Open your eyes, why are you still lying to yourself. Is it because it costs you less tears? You lost her Soojungie.”

 

 

“You’re wrong. She belongs to me. You will never understand. She loves me beyond any rational reason that can make you believe otherwise.”

 

 

I tried convincing myself as I stare at my reflection on the cars window. The events of the month swirling in my memories, veiled but existent. Your warmth, gentleness the fleeting stares, the lingering touches. Everything is dimming, even the starlit sky you laid down for me but it’s still there.

 

 

“Poetic and trifling. You never changed. How about I give you that any rationale that’ll perhaps make the both of us believe otherwise?”

 

 

The hole of the silencer startles me the most of all the dark anatomy of the object raised to my forehead.

 

Scream!