1. Her evil twin cousin.

 

 

I've always wondered what a life without you would be. It's part of my weird tendencies, my masochist realist ed-up side, the one that usually shows itself when I’m feeling strong emotions, like jealousy, or whenever I am having that annoying impulse to be beside you when it is physically impossible for me to be with you.

 

 

 

I always imagine it to be painful, but not as paralyzing as this. For someone who prided herself for being indifferent, I sure do care a lot about everything that is in any way connected to you.

 

 

 

It has been a year. You have a new life with that guy. I should be doing the same, move on, find someone else, be happy with the ed up decision I forced you to make. Yes I still won’t take the blame for the horrendous fall out. We both know how I was. I never changed, well you did, perhaps I did too somehow, but my essence never morphed into something you want me to be.

 

 

 

I got so damn lost when I did what you want and walk away. 12 long months later, I am still in the same position – halfway drunk, with a killer headache, ed up lungs, and dark crisp view of the ceiling as I lay unmoving in bed at 2am.

 

 

Yes, I am still pathetic 12 months later.

 

 

***

 

It felt like I have barely closed my eyes when the sound of tap water hitting a metal surface wakes me up from slumber. The strong pounding in my head demands me to stay in bed but I rolled out of it when I saw the blinking L.E.D light of my bedside clock. I have awakened five minutes before my alarm went off.

 

 

 

It's 3:25 in the morning. You must be still sleeping in your queen size bed somewhere in this city where we both choose to start our career. How I wish I am waking up on the same bed as you.

 

 

 

 

I shook my head hard and start walking towards the kitchen. The sound of pans and pots hitting stone surfaces was making my headache worst but I kept on treading my dusty carpet. I really should start cleaning this weekend, I may never know when a miracle will happen and you'll set foot on my new home.

 

 

 

Upon reaching my destination, I opt to lean all my weight on the fridge. The yellowish glow coming from the old light bulb makes the pounding in my head beat harder but I try to focus on the slender figure standing tiptoes in front of one of my cupboards. The hand of my unholy hour visitor stretched as far as it could, as she tries to reach for something on the top shelves.

 

 

 

 

I blindly took one orange juice carton from the refrigerator and slugged two big gulps to try to tame my hangover. I'm back to drinking too much vodka, I know you won't like it, but you'll never know so I just get on with it. After all we live in different ends of the big city.

 

 

 

I took pity on my guest and reach out for the olive oil when I have gained a little control over my hangover.

 

 

 

"What do you want Jessica?" I asked her as soon as I've place the bottle on the kitchen island.

 

 

 

"Minho's buldge! Amber! Are you trying to kill me?!" The petite brunette shrieked too close to my ear. I moved away, unconsciously leaning on the kitchen island.

 

 

"Are you Jess? Please don't be too loud." I snapped back not looking at her.

 

 

 

My head is hurting like hell. You must be reprimanding me at this moment. You usually do when I got a hangover. I'd prefer you nagging me every day than to hear your sister's dolphin squeal, but I can't have that, I only have your sister now, not you. How I wish it was you.

 

 

 

 

"Yah! I'm still talking to you. Where's your turner?" the lady in sweat pants and dark green hoodie asked. Her arms were crossed, she's looking at me impatiently. I reached for the third drawer and handed her the utensil without looking at her eyes. She must be desperate for that something she came here for.

 

 

 

 

"What do you want Jess?" I repeated my question a while ago as I watch her fumble with the olive oil cap. You never fumble when doing menial things. God, I really should stop seeing you in everything.

 

 

 

"Nothing, can't I cook breakfast for my best friend?"

 

 

 

"You don't know how to cook."

 

 

 

"But I am trying. See, that's because I love you Am. You're really lucky." She said in a sickly sweet tone as she puts too much oil on the smoking pan. I was starting to doubt about my luck each second I watch her move the turner on the pan’s surface.

 

 

 

"You should've stopped her from moving out of the Jung mansion if you really love me." I murmured without thinking.

 

 

 

"Soojung is old enough to decide for herself. All the impulsive choices she makes every other day is none of my business Amber. Same goes to you." she lectured facing me, her left hand on her hip.

 

 

 

"She doesn't even know how to wash her dirty underwear!" I whined in response, looking exasperatedly at her while pulling my hair out of frustration.

 

 

 

"I refuse to discuss my sister's used thongs before I finish my morning cup babe. Sunny side up, yes?"

 

 

 

"She does not like wearing thongs. Anyway, back to OUR business, what do you need? We both know that the great Jessica Jung never wakes up before 8am after she graduated from med school. It must be a matter of life and death for you to be up this early."

 

 

 

"Amber! I'll just-"

 

 

 

I could have laughed if it won't make my headache worse because my best friend have the pan cover raised like a shield as she try to crack an egg with one hand onto the pan. You're definitely a better cook than your sister at least you don't cook eggs with its shell. I reached out for her hand that was holding the pan cover first before I pull her away from the stove. I don't want to watch her start a swordfight with egg for breakfast.

 

 

"Come here ice princess 1.0. I'll do the cooking."

 

 

 

I got her seated on the kitchen stool.

 

 

 

"Only if you really insist… For the record I wake up 5:30 sharp during Sundays."

 

 

 

I just nod at her with a genuine smile. I know she's really trying hard for whatever request she has in mind right now and it's really making me feel like she's here for something big. I mindlessly pulled off the rubber gloves on her hands as I watch her expression closely.

 

 

 

“Just sit here and try not to do anything that'll make my headache worse. Yes?"

 

 

 

Walking away slowly, I allowed her contemplate on whatever she's here for as I inspect the damage her cooking attempt has caused. The egg was already too burnt to be edible when I’ve finally manage to turn off the stove so I gave up on the egg breakfast idea. I was reaching for the bar of cheese in the fridge when she speaks again.

 

 

 

"I need you to be on our family dinner this Saturday babe Grandma misses you." She said too enthusiastically, so I turned back to her. She was unable to meet my eyes. I just stared at her like she said one of the most absurd things I've ever heard.

 

 

 

"Please."

 

 

 

"No, jess, absolutely not. Don't you think Soojung will not want to see me? Besides the Colonel will be there for sure."

 

 

 

"Amber, trust me Soojung won't give a damn. Daddy is not even that bad, he likes you."

 

 

 

"It's still a no."

 

 

 

"But Granny really misses you. She wants to see you Am. She even demanded that ddudungie bring you there last month for her birthday."

 

 

 

"Are you trying to weaken your argument sica? Mentioning my ex-girlfriend will definitely do the trick."

 

 

 

She just pouted at me when I said that as if it will make her reasoning and request more appealing.

 

 

 

"I promise I'll visit grandma on my next free day you can tell her that, but I won't come to that dinner. I don't want you to make me the obvious distraction to stop the colonel from discussing his future plans for you."

 

 

 

"Please Am. You know I hate that guy."

 

 

 

She's now pulling my tank top as she stares at me with her best pleading face. She really looks like you when she has this expression so I turned away from her and busied myself making our coffee.

 

 

 

"I'll ask uncle to stop sending you to Atty. Kim's trials if you'll come."

 

 

 

 

She's tugging my tank top harder.

 

 

 

"Jessica stop it."

 

 

 

"Come on babe, for your best friend. You know you love me. Pretty please."

 

 

 

"I don't know if I'm ready to face her." I admitted honestly to stop your sister from making my hangover worse.

 

 

 

 

"Hey, look at me pretty boy."

 

 

 

I laid the steaming mug in front of her and listened to her strong order. Maybe I should start trying to find another best friend, someone who's not related to you.

 

 

 

"Free yourself. She won't come back. We both know she won’t. You need this. I won't deny that I want you there because I want your presence to steer the talk away from the stupid marriage plans with that slime, but I'm doing this for you too. You're still thinking of her the way you always do. It's time to bring my sister down from that pedestal you put her in Am." She finished softly, her fingers were gently moving in circles on my cheeks. I can only look at her.

 

 

 

The circles that she’s drawing on my skin were distracting but my mind was racing with the beat of my pounding head. Even your sister tells me to not think of you too highly. Maybe I really got my life all wrong. Perhaps I should stop chasing someone who used to be you since apparently you should not be adored anymore. It's hard to do as she asks though because you and I both know that I take promises too seriously.

 

 

 

I promised it'll only be you.

 

 

 

"I'm trying." I lied after a long moment of silence to stop her from staring at me weirdly.

 

 

 

"Try harder. You should go get ready for work now. We'll discuss about the dinner particulars later. Kay?"

 

 

 

"Jess I-" She pulled me into a tight hug to stop me from protesting, burying her face on my chest, she locked her arms tightly around my waist like she always do when she did something wrong. We stayed like that for a while.

 

 

 

Muffled sobs echoes in my kitchen. I returned her embrace.

 

 

***

 

 

I stare unmoving at the desktop's screen saver and kept my gaze there.

 

 

It's my favorite photo of you. I have taken it under the pretense of texting your sister when we first hangout. I wish I can see your eyes shine as bright as that again.

 

 

 

I've been trying to draw a portrait of you since yesterday because the memory of your face was starting to fade from my mind. It has been too long since I've seen you and your fading image in my memories was really bugging me. I know it should be the least of my worries but I can't let it happen. I can’t just forget you, at least not your face. It's the part that I hate the most in my-withdrawal-from-princess-nim phase, forgetting your smiling face.

 

 

 

 

I sighed at the screen, contemplating what case to do first. Researching and making rough drafts were more exciting than they taught us when we were in college. Maybe---

 

 

 

The tell-tale sound of high heels echoing in the deserted corridor of the law firm startled me from staring at the desktop. Your smiling face disappeared from the monitor and the screen saver was replaced by the desktop security prompt when I moved the mouse in a jolt. The wall clock says that it’s just minutes pass 6am. The firm opens at 10am, so whoever this guest is, must be either lost or out of her mind. I cracked my knuckles while stretching in the swivel chair, waiting for the unwelcomed visitor.

 

 

 

I have my mouth slightly open in mid-yawn when the figure of a tall black haired lady emerged from the double glass doors. All I could do was blink rapidly as I practically gawk at her. She's wearing the usual attire for lawyers, pencil skirt, button up long sleeves. There’s a black jacket in her arms. I've been too used to seeing attorneys who wear those clothes for a while now, but I've never seen anyone who looks as hot as her in pencil skirt. Even you didn't look as good as that in corporate attire.

 

 

 

"Hwang’s murder files. Hand it over."

 

 

 

I forced myself to look up and meet her eyes but it won't stay there. She looks so achingly familiar. Definitely hotter and less polite but she still looks like you somehow, especially her eyes, although those obsidian orbs are admittedly colder. Oh my god.

 

 

 

I must be looking at her for too long because she cleared and impatiently taps her foot on the marble floor. The tapping made my headache come back.  It was throbbing hard, I can’t even fake the polite tone when I addressed her, not that she's feigning nice anyway. She's sneering at me.

 

 

"Good Morning to you too. I can't. Sorry." I said not sounding sorry at all as I try hard not to gawk at her again like a creep.

 

 

 

Dammit Soojung I must be missing you so much because my mind was making me see the lady that I imagined to be you if you were on one of those lawyer novels. I really should get laid or something.

 

 

 

"You will because your boss says so."

 

 

 

"My boss is Jung Min Ho. You are not Atty Jung, so I really can't ajhumma. Please come back when it's office hours if you really need them. You can ask Atty. Jung personally. He doesn't have schedule till 10:30, I'll make an appointment for you."

 

 

 

That was probably the wrong answer. She raised her eyebrow at me, leaning forward. Our face was too close, I feel like fainting or something. It's been too long. She really looks like you, sans the mole under her left eye and the cold look on her eyes.

 

 

 

 

"Ajhumma? Trust me, Soojung will not give you a time of her day if she finds out that you're drooling over old ladies. Now, stop checking me out and give me the files."

 

 

 

"I am not. What?! How? Soojung-ah- I, -uh Soojungie really-"

 

 

 

"You know it's unprofessional to make my cousin's face your desktop screen saver right?" She said nodding to the direction of the office lounge’s computer screen. The smell of her breath was making it harder to form coherent thoughts. That combined with the fact that I was having this experience for real. I wonder why you never mention that you have a hot twin cousin. An evil one, she’s definitely smirking at me.

 

 

 

I cleared my throat and moved away from her to try to redeem myself from this very embarrassing experience. If you'll hear this, I'm sure you'll laugh hard until you have tears in your eyes.

 

 

 

"I'm really sorry Miss, but I cannot give you the files you're asking for even if you’re related to Atty. Jung because that's the protocol. I apologize for making you feel uncomfortable as well."

 

 

 

I stood up to make the customary bow. It's a good way to hide how red  my face was, the tips of my ears were burning.

 

 

 

"It's Prosecutor Jung."

 

 

 

The icy tone almost beats Jessica’s icy. I watched shivering slightly with my head still bowed down low as her louboutin clad feet walks away from me without another word. It stopped two steps from the entrance, I braced myself.

 

 

 

"Seulgi, good you’re here. Make that ert give you the research and orient her about the plan. I'll be in the car."

 

 

 

 

"He's a girl?"

 

 

 

"Obviously Seulgi that's a ert girl. Get the files. We need to be at the general's palace before 9am."

 

 

 

"Yes, Prosecutor Jung I'm on it."

 

 

 

A tap on my shoulder made me look up from eavesdropping on the exchange that just occurred in our halls. Great. Now I am a ert girl. I'm not even checking her out. Not really, she just really looked like you, like a cousin or a twin maybe. Whatever she is, she definitely should not be legal.

 

 

My friends Tae and Yul should definitely not meet her. I don't think that'll be a very religious experience. You really should be here. You need to cleanse my thoughts from that sinful thing.

 

                                                           

 

"Good morning. I am Prosecutor Krystal Jung's intern, Seulgi Kang. Kindly lend us your help on the Tiffany Hwang case. Atty. Minho Jung told us we can seek your assistance."

 

 

 

I focused my attention to the speaking girl in front of me as I try hard to wipe off your cousin from my mind. Upon closer scrutiny, I’ve deduced that we’re probably of the same age but she looks more mature given that she's dressed the same fashion as her boss.

 

 

 

It seems like that rude lady was trying to make another version of her with the way her intern was dressed and the way her intern carries her self.  It made me shudder slightly when I imagined how she will probably look like years from now.

 

 

 

I buried my head in my upturned palms. Thanks to my boss, I will surely have a very interesting morning.

 

 

***

 

 

I held on to the car seat and wear my seatbelt for the first time in a long time as I watched our car zoom pass another van. The rude lady should really have a speeding ticket by now. I was not even supposed to be here.

 

 

I am a paralegal of a law firm that handles civil cases not the messy criminal ones but my boss asked me to get my "elite researching-skills" to work and help his favorite niece. I thought you are everybody's favorite, I wonder what's wrong with Atty. Minho's choice of favorites.

 

 

 

"Is it really necessary that the prosecutor visit the crime scene? We can just have the ME and police reports right?" I asked the intern sitting on the shotgun seat, using the softest tone I can muster.

 

 

 

Our car stopped on a red light. At least, the rude lady still follows some of the basic traffic rules.

 

 

 

"This case is more complicated than you think Ms. Liu. I can't tell you anything else unless you agree to help us."

 

 

"Okay, I understand. Anyway, does she always drive that fast?" I tried steering our conversation away from me helping them because I don't wanna get involved in something like this. I want to keep my safe and these particular cases always get too dangerous for my liking. I need to still be alive when you come back to me.

 

 

 

 

"Do you have a problem with my driving Ms. Liu?"

 

 

 

I look wide eyed at the girl holding the steering wheel. She's not even looking ahead as the car moves forward again. I swear we are going to hit that slow moving car in front of us if she don't focus on her driving.

 

 

 

"No counselor. I have no problem at all."

 

 

 

"I thought so too."

 

 

Her tone was still as icy as it was before, although at least she was looking ahead instead of looking pointedly at me. I sit back properly, feeling so done trying to make my ride comfortable with the two of them. I wonder what you’re doing at this moment. I hope you’re not having a morning as bad I am having right now.

 

 

 

After six more near death experiences, the car stops to halt in front of a gargantuan steel gate that looks like one of those entrances to horror movie castles. I heard your evil twin cousin articulate something to the security in front, then we were immediately allowed to get inside without much trouble.

 

 

The long gravel path looks deserted especially with the dark tint of the car’s windows. I stepped out as soon as the wheels stops moving, hurrying to open the door for Seulgi. She gave me a polite smile when she got out, grappling with the files she has to carry for her boss. I reached for it while giving her a hand since it's really hard to walk on gravel in high heels.

 

 

 

Your cousin didn't even wait for us as she marched toward the oak doors of the general's palace. She obviously was not having a hard time walking with those shoes. I have to shake my head hard to get the daze off because she's really you with her back turned, maybe except for the fact that she walks too confidently. It’s like Seulgi and I or more accurately everyone or anyone watching were just her servants or something like that.

 

 

 

We followed her in haste, afraid to get lost in the empty house. My attention was on the sound of the prosecutor’s tapping heels rather than the paintings on the long corridors we were roaming. I never really like huge mansions because it just look empty.

 

 

 

Our house will never feel and look this empty princess. I promised in my mind as I trail behind your cousin and her clone. It was definitely enticing to watch your cousin walk gracefully, I almost bumped into Seulgi when she stopped. We stopped in front of an elaborately designed double door that has a very disturbing pink embossed hanja that reads Miyoung.

 

 

 

Seulgi produced white rubber gloves out of nowhere, handing it to someone on her side.

 

 

Your cousin looks intimidating, her expression still alluring. The eerie lighting made her pale face look whiter, a beautiful ghost with cold obsidian eyes. She's looking at me directly and I find it hard to look away from her. What is this lady doing to me?

 

 

 

She's the one who broke the eye contact, opening the door carefully she stepped inside without a word. I gritted my teeth turning to Seulgi like the gentlewoman you taught me to be. She gestured me to go in first. I just gave her a nod, shrugging at the pensive expression she’s wearing.

 

 

 

"Don't touch anything." Your cousin warned in her monotonous drawl before I was able to set foot in the room, her back me.

 

 

 

I scowled at her teasingly appealing back, walking lazily as I try my hardest not to blurt out a few colorful choice words. I was in too fast for my liking, the cuss string in my head snapped.

 

 

The scene beyond the doors makes me want to throw up and run away as far as possible. I will never really be a fan of crime scenes. Your evil twin cousin doesn't really have to warn me about touching anything. I can’t even move. At least you will never see this. I will not let you see something like this.