Prologue

This is How I lose her.

 

12 months ago

 

I am part of the mob that wants to crush that hell spawn who hurt you. That bastard who called you "flirt" and made you cry in front of the whole engineering department. If only I can do that, Soojung-ah.

 

 

 

 

In the dark cafe across the University's gate three, that douche sits alone in the corner playing with smoke. The jerk took a long swig from the cigarette on her fingers. It's her 21st stick since she sat there in the darkness. Some people glance at her warily but no one dared to get near.

 

 

 

She took a deep breathe inhaling all the poison that Marlboro has to offer and it seems like she wants to finish the stick in one breathing. The dark room was engulfed with the silver smoke dancing everywhere when she exhaled. It's enticing how the whitish fume reclaims all the space, teasing the darkness.

 

 

 

 

In the end the shadows won, all the smoke fades without a trace.

 

 

 

 

A loud cough echoes in the corner and I bet it's from her. I'm too busy watching the smoke dissipate in the darkness to pay attention. Dark spots are glittering in her arms when I reverted my attention to her.

 

 

Die.

 

 

Says a soft and clear voice in my head.

 

 

Die.

 

 

The voice says again louder this time.

 

 

It continues like a drum beat until it becomes a loud chant. I cover my ears with my hands as if it will stop the voice from echoing.

 

 

 

 

Please make it stop. I'm morphing back to who I was. You don't love who I was, you love who I am because of you, so please make it shut up.

 

 

 

DIE! A menacing whisper sings, it must be enjoying my suffering.

 

 

 

“No. No one will die because of me again.” I said to no one. My words ringing in the silent corner like a warning bell.

 

 

 

If only you are here beside me now. But will you stop me or will you chant with the voices in my head? The ungrateful fool should die, right?

 

 

 

I know for sure that if I'm talking to the 18 year old you. The answer will be no with a strong pinch and a death glare. The 20 year old you will be a different story though. Perhaps she won’t let me kill but she will not stop me either.

 

 

 

I closed my eyes and let the voice drown all my other senses. How I wish I was wrong about who you are now.

 

 

*

 

 

The reflection on the compact powder I am holding is staring back at me with a bored expression. A circular and dim outline of that bastards facial features is watching me without blinking.

 

 

 

 

She has weeks old shadows under her eyes. Her cornea looks pure black due to the darkness and she's looking directly at me. The blank expression on her llama like face made her look like a marble statue - Passive. Enthralling. Unmoving.

 

 

I almost lose my grip on the press powder when I heard that voice again.

 

 

 

"Weakling. She's just a girl for heaven's sake, you have a lot of hot girls on speed dial remember? Are you that stupid?!"

 

 

 

It’s taunting me. A very irritating evil laugh echoes in my head before it speaks once more.

 

 

"Imbecile! You have an ABC of girls wrapped around your fingers. Why are you wasting your time with the pettiness of that girl and her ignorant friends?"

 

 

I furiously closed the lid of the press powder and threw it on the farther end of the table in front of me. I seriously need to get out of the dark. I am losing it again, I cannot make a scene here. I don't want to be banned in this cafe.

 

 

Wiping my arms with the table napkin I allowed a grin on my face. My slow motion suicide is finally coming to fruition, all the penny I have used to buy smoke is not going to waste anymore. Stupid value added tax, a student like me can barely afford to buy cigarettes.

 

 

 

I sprayed perfume all over my body since I hate it when I smell like smoke when I talk to people. When the stink of Marlboro gets wiped out I thoughtlessly stand up in a hurry. It makes me dizzy so I closed my eyes to stop the world from spinning. Smoking for Dummies lesson number 1. Take it slow. One at a time only and small swigs first buddy. Its nauseating effects is usually worse than hard liquor. Don't try imitating Alaska Young just yet, that girl is a pro.

 

 

 

A speeding bus is the first thing that caught my attention when I open my eyes again. It's actually disconcerting that a bus driver will drive that fast when there is a pedestrian lane across this cafe and the school gate.

 

 

Buses.

 

 

Well why don’t I just stand in front of the next barrelling bus, that'll be a sure kill. The stupid person that made you cry dies. Considering there is a secret policy within their circles that if you hit someone make sure it ends up dead because the damages that will be charged is less expensive when the company should just pay for the coffin and the burial rights with other necessary fees. Hospital fees will always be more expensive anyway. But, shhh, I didn't say that. I'm not claiming that the policy always apply although it usually does.

 

 

I didn't try getting hit by a bus.

 

 

I waited for the streets to be empty before I walk to the school gate. You'll be mad for sure if I'll be involved in a bus accident. I don’t want you to loathe me more of course.

 

 

*

 

 

You're sitting in the middle of a very long stone table. There are a lot of people around you. Most of them are strangers, too busy fussing and trying to have their share of the wi fi signal. Oblivious to the presence of an angel in the midst of their scamper.

 

 

 

I am standing 44 steps away from you.

 

 

 

You're beside the stranger that you met a month ago. The two of you are laughing loud about a possibly lame joke from him. You are looking at him the way you used to look at me.

 

 

 

 

I know for sure that if I'll take more steps closer, I'll just confirm that the thing I fear more than evil clowns and stupid flying bugs is happening for real, but I need to see you again. Even though I know for sure that I already lost you. It’s me who promised that you won’t lose me anyway, how I wish I made you promise the same.

 

 

 

It only takes one more step and I'll be able to touch you and embrace you. Our physical distance is that small but I did neither. You didn't spare me a glance but you stopped laughing, probably because you smell my perfume, your favorite scent one forever ago. Do you remember dudungie? You became too addicted to my scent that you had the habit of burying your nose to my armpit.

 

 

 

But now is a different story. You didn't even look back. You sit properly and get back to being overly friendly with him. I didn't touch you. I don't have the courage to have skin contact so I decided to just sit beside you to make you aware of my presence. To let you know that I am indeed close to you that's why you can smell CK Bianco.

 

 

 

I ask your permission for me to sit there to get your attention from him even though I am already seated. You look at me the way I wish you never would. It's one of those fake ones you do when you're eyes are directed to someone but you're not really seeing him/her there. Just from that look I know that it's over.

 

 

 

"The last time I check I don't own the place so you can sit wherever you want."

 

 

 

A lot of smartass retorts run through my mind but the first, second, third and fourth replies that I thought of are not fit for the situation, so I shut up, swallowed the lump in my throat and just sit silently beside you.

 

 

You didn't protest when I stayed, but you didn't spare me another glance either. It's like I am just a whole bunch of air beside you, invisible. I'd prefer to be "air" than being me at this point because at least you need oxygen to breathe.

 

 

I just observed you while you’re being "overly friendly" with him. I seriously want to take away that stupid Note 2 and smack his face with it, but I can't do that.

 

 

 

You just seem so happy that it made me smile despite of everything. It felt like my essence is slowly disintegrating but I can't take my eyes off of you. You are beautiful indeed, even if you have the same shadows under your eyes like mine and it's apparent that you tied your hair in that ponytail when it's still wet again. The small scar on your upper left eyebrow looks prominent, but it didn't do anything to make you less statuesque. It just looks like it's really meant to be there. How can something so beautiful be so lethal to me?

 

 

 

I am too busy admiring your well defined features that I almost didn't notice that you are saying goodbye to the guy sitting beside you. You told him with that you’re going to buy something in the cafeteria. You didn't even bother looking at me. Am I not really worth a glance now?

 

 

 

I was left alone with your favorite stranger.

 

 

 

We talked about the most boring topic one can ever think of. Probably a college cliché, we discussed about his thesis. I know it's stupid to have that small talk with him but I don't have the strength to get mad at him especially because he makes you smile. I promise to love and accept anything that can make you smile like that. How I wish I didn't promise that.

 

 

 

We are having a good laugh when you get back. You sit in between us again. You even offer me the waffle that you bought but I declined politely. I am already having a difficulty in breathing properly. I don't think eating will be a very good idea at all. I just heave a sigh and sulk as I wait for you to notice me again.

 

 

 

I can only shake my head when I remember how I always end up being the most patient person in the world when you are involved. We both know that even my law professors can't make me wait or stay with the patience that I have but when it comes to you, I can wait the whole day just to be your books carrier/umbrella holder/frustration absorber. 

 

 

 

It's one of the first I did because of you actually, I waited the whole day outside the band room because you are having a dance practice for a concert. I can't even leave the damn stairs because I worry that you will think that I left if I didn't stay there.

 

 

 

The sound of that guy's voice coming from the other end of the lounge forced me back to the present.

 

 

 

We are alone now, sitting side by side in one of our favorite place in the university. We are surrounded by people who I know only because of their familiar faces, but all my attention is directed to you. The only girl I have loved. The one I've been loving even before I knew what love is.

 

 

 

You are waiting for me to speak. You’re fidgeting with your fingers and that gesture always mean that you want to talk but you don't want to be the one to start the conversation.

 

 

 

I just stared at you.

 

 

 

I don't want to start the talk because I am so damn afraid to hear you say it yourself but you’re already getting impatient. I don't like making my princess wait because it'll make her upset. I hate it when you are upset.

 

 

 

"You really don't want this to continue anymore?" I asked casually like our topic is today's weather, even though my hands are shaking hard on my lap.

 

 

 

"God knows I tried" 

 

 

 

You even look upwards when you said that.  You're trying to maintain your poker face but you're eyes gave you away. You're eyes are too sad, I almost hug you but I didn't.

 

 

 

"I gave everything I can give to make this work but you waste it all."

 

 

 

A loud self-deprecating laugh escapes your lips after you said that. You kept your eyes locked in front of you. Please look at me, didn't you used to love staring at me.

 

 

"Can’t we at least be friends?"

 

 

"No Am, I can't give you that. It all comes back to me when I see your face, it just hurts so much. What you did hurts too much."

 

 

"I can wait for a year you know. I-"

 

 

"I honestly don't know anymore. It's hard to forget the things that are said. You're just too eloquent. Hands down to you llama."

 

 

My mind goes blank when you said that. I opened my mouth to say anything that can turn the situation on a safer ground but no words came out.

 

 

Why can't I say anything now? Why now of all the times? I am called our batch's Miss Poet for heaven's sake, but I can't say the words that can stop this from getting worst. I can't even think of a single rhyme. Even the word sorry didn't run through my mind. I can only look at the side of your face. I'd give everything to continue looking at the side of your face.

 

 

"You will lose me." I tried prolonging my limbo before I die, using the first words that my mind conjures after a long pause.

 

 

 

You just shrug your shoulders, still not looking at me.

 

 

Probably if you just as much as raised your thumb or something, a tear won't fall in the corners of my left eye. I didn't move to wipe it, it'll make you notice that I am crying. I am really lost for words. It felt like all my muscles are hurting. I feel like I played basketball 2 weeks straight without resting.

 

 

 

I know now that heartaches are real. The constrictions in your chest when you palpitate so suddenly. Who knows if it’s just all in my head, or my heart is aching for real. It just hurts. A lot. Please stop making it hurt.

 

 

 

"Are you in love with him princess?" Again I tried continuing our conversation because that guy is back, sitting annoyingly close to you.

 

 

 

"What?! Everything happened just recently. Not even a week has passed and you are really asking me if I love him? What's wrong with you Liu?!"

 

 

 

I can't answer that. I just stare at the side of your face. You’re fuming beside me. The heavy breathing and the closed fist makes that clear. You wanted to say something more, but you’re thinking hard for the right words. Can you teach me the words that I should say to make you stay?

 

 

"I'm really tired of this."

 

 

"Please."

 

 

"It's over Amber."

 

 

"I'll wait for you."

 

 

"You'll just waste your "precious" time, there's nothing left to wait for Am. Let it go. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

 

 

"No princess. It's final, end of discussion. I'll wait for you." I failed to stop my voice from breaking at the end of that statement. Your head snaps quickly to my direction. Your eyes scanning my face for a tear stain. You didn't see anything. How can you not see my soul fading away?

 

 

 

Your eyes held mine for a minute and the same soul stopped crumbling for sixty seconds. How I wish that minute can last forever.

 

 

When you are sure that I am not crying you turn your gaze back in front of us. You granted those strangers your stare again. Maybe I should wish I am stranger now as well.

 

 

"Prin-Soojung..Soojung-ah l. I- Saranghe- I- "

 

 

"Cut the crap Amber."

 

 

I close my eyes and let the tear fall in the corners of both my left and right eye this time. You're seriously being a meanie, I'm even trying to stop my tears from falling to not make you angry or worry but you won't even spare me a glance.

 

Look at me. Tell me that you don't want me anymore. I scream in my head, as I stare at the now blurry view of the side of your face.

 

 

You're now sitting too close to that guy, our distance almost a feet away. I raise my hand to tap your shoulders. Both my hands are trembling hard, my whole body is shaking from the sobs I'm trying to suppress actually, so I stand up and start to walk away from you. Please stop your stupid from walking away from you Soojungie.

 

 

You didn’t even glance at me as I stood up, you looked at him instead. I can't say goodbye to you and mean it so I drag myself away from you and him without looking back.