Approximately 3 years ago, at a courtyard somewhere

 

 

The voice of the machine lady echoes in the stillness of the night, igniting my infuriation each second passing. The number you have dialled is outside the coverage area. It repeats robotically for the nth time as it joins the cackling of fire. I tossed my phone to the darkness of the tent behind us, slumping all my weight on you.

 

 

 

You laugh merrily at my irritation as your face gleams softly from the light of the fire. The shadows that are enveloping your form makes me stare despite the stiff uncomfortable nature of my position. Looking up I can hardly make out your entire face, but I know it’s beautiful. Its shades dances with the orangy yellow light as the starlit night reflects your hues. I’ve always wondered why Van Gogh loves drawing the night sky, despite the explanations given. I think I know why now.

 

 

 

 

The wrinkles on the sides of your eyes deepen then it’s gone. You’re returning my gaze, curiosity and awe well mixed as you flick my forehead softly. It doesn’t hurt at all but I voice out a drawn out “Aww.”

 

 

 

 

“Told ya, leave her alone. Kay? Jess will be fine stop worrying about her too much. Besides Tae’s a good person, she’s just childish sometimes.” You said softly without breaking our connection as your hands weave the thin blanket on our legs.

 

 

 

“That’s not the point Amber. This is ridiculous, everybody knows that ajhumma loves Tiffany to death, but now she married my sister. What insanity is that?!”

 

 

 

My complaint joins the breeze that swings through the forsythia white bordering our side. The tone sounds funny even to me, but you hold on to your laughter for my sake, or perhaps it’s my glare. The ghost of a smile lingers. I almost kissed you but I didn’t.

 

 

 

“I dunno, maybe, err, maybe it’s Love. No matter how ridiculous that sounds I guess it is. Honestly… can’t think of any explain except THAT or that your sister is demented. Let’s just both hope IT is and that Jessica Jung knows what she’s doing.” Your solemn thinking face looks back at me as the mask of indifference shatters, making your concern visible. I reach out for your hand and intertwine our fingers before looking away from you.

 

 

 

Silence reigns for a while as I weigh words and feelings, carefully. It’s admittedly a difficult task especially with my pirouetting heart and those stupid waltzing dragons in my stomach. The thoughts that swirl violently in my head are not helping either.

 

 

 

I’m like a time bomb that’s threatening to burst any minute and as if you can sense it you pull me closer, willing your warmth to stop the explosion. You encircled your arm in my shoulder not letting go of my hand. The pirouetting and waltzing didn’t stop but a sense of calm coats me as I let my head rests onto you.

 

 

 

“It’s hard not to second guess her choices, you know. She’s midway finishing her periodontal major, Tae just graduated the police academy and they got married in LA. That’s…” I whispered to your clothed skin, as I feel your heart flutter in my cheeks. It feels home.

 

 

 

You didn’t respond to my statement, not even shifting from your position. You just kept quiet, probably waiting for me to pick up my thoughts. Always knowing what I need. Exactly what it is, and at the moment this is it.

 

 

 

Serene comfortable silence. It has always been my favorite part of the day since we met. It’s when I feel we are the closest, our souls thoroughly interwoven. My eyes droops lower as all the tension leaves my body. I become a tranquil sea. Everything tilts back to vividness again. The sparks of the fire, the cotton of your shirt, the loose thread on its neckline, the feel of you breathing the same air as I do.

 

 

 

It’s almost surreal but I tried sincerely to remember it as it is, and frame it in my memories, the colors, the stars, the feel of your arms around my shoulders and your warmth. No hearth has ever come close to imitating yours or person for that matter.

 

 

 

We both live the moment, or tried. I really did, because the clarity brings back the thoughts of my sister. Angry and purple. Frustration overflowing overthinking triggered. It’s definitely the worst feeling in the world when you wanted to help someone but you don’t know how to and ugly scenarios plague my clarity. I let out an exasperated sigh, messing with my hair in the process.

 

 

 

“gahhh.” An incomprehensible sound comes out before I grit my teeth, focusing on your warmth instead of the bad outcomes that I’ve been conjuring and the helplessness.

 

 

You squeeze my hand, thrice, gently, stopping me from pulling my hair off. I look at you again, taking you in as you diligently put my hair back to place. You’re running your fingers through the dishevelled strands slowly. The expression in your face remains the same though your eyes glints differently.

 

 

 

You’re amused, definitely amuse but I can’t pinpoint the mixed expression that makes your shadows shift a little. A loopsided smile greets me before you tuck my head under your chin as soon as you finished fixing my hair.

 

 

 

“Silly Jung. Come on, don’t get all worked up about that again. Think of this instead.” You gesture to our entangled form flicking your wrist a bit.

 

 

“See, I already agreed to this ludicrous camping stupidity in our courtyard, and I’m cuddling with you for crying out loud.”

 

 

I can feel the beginning of the groan you’re trying to suppress and it makes me smile a little. Right Amber Liu don’t do cuddling, you said centuries ago.

 

 

“Are you complaining stoodpid?”

 

 

 

“Nah, just pointing it out. So will your majesty please stop overthinking?”

 

 

 

“But Ambbeer” I whined “Jess might get hurt.”

 

 

 

“She will, everybody does get hurt Soojungie, but she is The Jessica Jung, remember? She can fend for herself better than almost everyone else. She’ll be fine, we should probably be more worried for Taeyeon at this point.” You assured me in fluid speech as if you’ve been in the moment already.

 

 

 

“It’s not just Taeng. You know my dad will flip LA when he hears this.”

 

 

“Then Jess will just talk her way to flip it back. Have I ever told you the real story of how we became friends?”

 

 

I shake my head feeling a little drowsy and too intoxicated in a feeling I can never describe accurately to voice out my curiosity. My eyes droops low again as your voice reverberates softly with the cackling fire like a lullaby.

 

 

“Tae introduced me to her of course that’s the well-known story but there’s more to it than that. Jessica saved my when I was miserable from heroin withdrawal. She talked her way to a clonidine stash and took care of me instead of dragging me to the authorities. She even let me stay on her apartment until I’m back on my feet. To make it more kick she did all this while stressing over her thesis. That’s how awesome your sister is Soojungie.”

 

 

 

 

“uh-hmmm.”

 

 

 

 

“She also flushed 100 bucks worth of coke in a club’s toilet bowl when she caught me with it. And, and threatened to flush me too if I didn’t get clean. Still unimpressed?”

 

 

“….”

 

 

Silence again. Longer than the rest. The fire cackles and the forsythia sways as the stars blink down upon our interwoven souls. Locked in the moment, enveloped in warmth and a familiar sense of calm. A thought occurs to me and I let it free, trusting you with any word I can say or think of.

 

 

“Do you miss it?”

 

 

I am genuinely curious and a tad bit sleepy and too drunk from an intoxicating sweet warmth that reminds me of smores. How fitting. I can almost hear the gears on your mind grinding, your being too careful with words with me again.

 

 

 

“Sometimes…” A longing sigh, “…but you’ll leave me if I dare so nah. Never mind. It’s not worth losing you forever just to have a momentary high. This is my real and unreal now and I’d like to keep it that way. It’s the highest height I’ve ever been in and I’m not planning to get down just yet.” The words flow like water from a breaking dam before it stops in a screeching halt. You’re chasing your breathe but you didn’t stay for air for long. I just let you do as you please, indulging on the feel of being a smore getting dipped in chocolate again and again and again.

 

 

 

“You…you ed me up in a good way. I’m lost in you, and definitely addicted. You’re more addicting than coke and heroine collectively just so you know and I’m not saying that because it’s nice to hear. Trust me, I’ve experience it but it’ll never compare to this, to you and me together like this, it’s beyond euphoric.”

 

 

 

The firewood breaks loudly and the sparks ignited brighter. You’re chest heaves as if the long speech exhaust you but you didn’t pull away to breathe more freely. You pull me closer instead and I smiled. A wide genuine smile that cracks the drowsy and intoxication and the remnants of helplessness that lingers.

 

 

 

 

The sincerity of your voice reverberates with the crickets and the flickering lights from the fireflies I’ve noticed just now. Suddenly I am falling in love with being in love with you and a series of words escape before I could stop it.

 

 

 

 

“I love you too stupid.” The softest of my tones declares to the fire and the eyes of the things we cannot see in the dark. A gentle wind blows again as if to confirm that I was heard.

 

 

 

You stiffen first then your hold loosens considerably. It sets the warning bells in my head on frenzy. I embrace you tighter moving closer until I am sitting on your lap with my legs on the sides of your waist. Your bones felt familiar like your scent, I breathe it in before looking you in the eyes. You’re afraid of this.

 

 

 

I caught the slight quiver in your lower lip and the wiggling movements of your eyebrows. The expression on your face closely resembling a nervous child, it burns me a little and the heat spreads through my veins rapidly. My fingers move on its own accord as if by reflex tracing your lips.

 

 

 

You shudder as soon as it connects, the look in your big brown doe orbs smothering and tender all the same. It is melted gold, perhaps because of the fire behind me. It reflects my face and I seem ethereal in your eyes. The tips of our nose touches as the distance disappears.

 

 

 

Again I almost kiss you but I didn’t because you call for me, firm and clear but with reverence. Like a prayer, like how I thought you. You pull back subtly.

 

 

 

“Soojung.”

 

 

 

I blink the exasperation and the mist in my eyes as I hold on to the sides of your face to keep you from cowering away.

 

 

 

“Please don’t. You know the rules.”

 

 

 

“ your absurd rules.”

 

 

Our voices are just above whisper.

 

 

“Come on ugly kid. We are both too ignorant to speak of love. It’s just a word. I’ve seen how it breaks both the good and the bad people. Let’s not cross the line. Don’t imitate your sister.”

 

 

 

The coldness of your tone will not fool me. Not with the vulnerability drawn in the ripples on your face. My answer is just as cold but with much more conviction. It sounds so sure even to me.

 

 

 

“We already did stupid and you for comparing me to my sister.”

 

 

 

“Language Soojung.” You reprimanded me with an even tone. Your eyes are drifting on the forsythia on the side as you try to pry my hands off of you. The softness of your palms fits perfectly with my bony hands.

 

 

 

“Stop this. No hot choco for you if you won’t stop this madness. Please dduddungie.”

 

 

 

You said you hated it, but I knew better because you are using it now. The sad puppy look with your big brown eyes and slightly protruded lips with your most vulnerable expression. It’s making me undone, slowly, like a crocheted yarn. I have to snap at you before I lost my senses.

 

 

 

“Amber stop that!”

 

 

 

“What?!”

 

 

 

“You can’t talk me out of this.”

 

 

 

“I know, but Soojung. This is uh so not cool and rational and---” “Shut up. Look at me.”

 

 

 

“…”

 

 

“LIU!”

 

 

 

“You told me to shut up.”

 

 

“Stupid I will kiss you I am not joking.”

 

 

 

“Fine. Blinding myself now.”

 

 

 

My breathing hitches when gold meets brown. I have to grit my teeth to regain control back because the waltzing and pirouetting is back in a more enthusiastic rhythm. The feel of your skin is definitely not helping. You look like an adorable lost child. We are both breathing loudly through our nose.

 

 

 

“Why are you so afraid of this?”

 

 

 

“I am not.”

 

 

 

“Then why?”

 

 

 

“Too dark for you, remember?”

 

 

 

“Lies. You better have a more convincing excuse than that.”

 

 

 

We are whispering now.

 

 

“It’s not an excuse. Soojung, I’ve killed people. Literally, with a gun. You know it. I shoot them dead. I stole someone’s son, husband, father, life. It makes me unworthy of you. Look at me, tell me that I am lying.”

 

 

For the first time since I’ve met you, your eyes are muddled with unshed tears. Clouded, you’re are making me see the tarnished soul of the angel inside. It’s heart breaking in an almost romantically cruel manner  because it’s too slow, every crack and scratch inflicted unravelling in my very eyes and you’re letting me in.

 

 

 

It is too much. I pull your head to my chest because I can’t look anymore. I brush my fingers through your hair soothingly. You didn’t protest, you just melt into me.

 

 

 

“Why does it matter? It’s done it’s the past. You’ve changed. You are trying.” I asked with a sense of urgency in my tone.

 

 

 

“I’ll taint you. It took much of me to even touch you like this because everytime I do it feels like I’m stealing something from you too. It feels like I’m stealing your light. Do you understand now?”

 

 

Your answer is strained and huskier, full of self-loathing. It’s the tone of your voice I hate the most. I tug your locks to make you look at me. I will make you believe otherwise.

 

 

 

“No Amber look at me. That WAS you. It was you and you are not that anymore. Besides, honestly I don’t care about that. We are living in the present not on that part of your past. This is now. This is us. It’s what matters… Understood?”

 

 

 

The joking tone in the end of my response didn’t make the slightest change to your expressionless face.

 

 

 

“Soojung, I DO care, even your sister thinks it’s not a good idea.” You recited, and it pisses me off. My temper flares.

 

 

 

 

“Then why are you here, if this is such a bad idea?” I snapped. You didn’t even flinch you remained unmoving, returning my gaze, the waltz slows down a little.

 

 

 

“I told you, I am addicted and no clonidine in this world can keep me alive if I withdraw at this point. It’s survival instinct. I am just using you so no Jung Soojung. Stop this. It’s ridiculous. You don’t know what you’re saying.” You said eyes unwavering and maybe it’s your eyes that makes me snap.

 

 

 

I push you hard until your lying on your back. My hair blocks everything else as I force you to understand it because you’re just too stubborn for both our health. Another tinder breaks loudly.

 

 

 

“What if it’s the same for me?! Do you have a single idea how hard this is for me too? Come on Amber stop your self centered bull and look it through my eyes. Do you think it sits right on my stomach that I am attracted, no, I am in love with a girl of all the people in the world and not just any girl, YOU. DO you have any idea how ridiculous and ed up it is especially here where culture dictates dignity and honor first before anything. Do you get the picture? Do I have to draw it? Or do I have to make Jessica unnie spell it for me? HuH?! DO YOU-”

 

 

“Enough!”

 

 

 

I pull back with a jolt. The fiery in gold burning the darkest I’ve ever seen so far. It’s raw anger, palpable. Your breathing is out of sync with mine. I can almost feel the pain that is coming and I anticipate it, expecting a razor sharp word at least but silence bore down heavily on my shoulders instead.  You’re just staring at me.

 

 

 

No warmth or tenderness, it sends shivers to my soul and I tried to push down my heart from my throat.

 

 

 

The shadows in your face looks menacing, and cold, but still enthralling. A sigh escapes. Your eyebrows meet in the bridge of your nose. Confusion. Then the anger is gone with the cold. You touch my shoulders, pushing me gently.

 

 

 

“Soojung. Go home. This is a terrible idea from the start. Let’s just talk some other time.”

 

 

 

The scoff I made reverberates in the stillness of the night. You’re trying to wiggle your way out of this conversation for the hundredth time since it has come out in the open. I won’t let you. Not this time.

 

 

 

“Bull. Fine you’re a bad murdering monster, ACKNOWLEDGED. HEARD AFFIRMED, but don’t you dare tell me off and ask me to leave you alone and all the other verbose bull I’m sure you’re formulating now.”

 

 

 

“Soojungie…”

 

 

 

“Don’t Soojungie me!”

 

 

 

“Soojung…”

 

 

 

“Damn it Liu. Fine we both care about your past. FINE you’re using me, FINE you’re not nice or sweet or you don’t have a fine, Tada tada tada FINEEEEE. But I LOVE you. Get it? I am so ing in love with you and you’re making so damn mad and confused right now.”

 

 

“I- uh, but, Soojung you can’t, you don’t understand.”

 

 

 

“ you Amber!”

 

 

 

“Sorry. I am so so so sorry.”

 

 

“You’re hurting me, you know. Explain then see if it’ll change anything.”

 

 

 

“I never said I wouldn’t. Can I tell a story?”

 

 

 

“Seriously now?”

 

 

 

“Trust me on this.”

 

 

 

“Whatever.”

 

 

 

“Can you uh-sit down on the ground with me or something or we can lie down if you want.  I can’t feel my legs.”

 

 

“You really don’t want me here don’t you?”

 

 

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

 

 

“It’s perfectly implied stupid. Okay, okay, I’m leaving.”

 

 

 

 

“But the chocolate drink. I even brought white marshmallows because you said you want it white.”

 

 

 

“What makes you think I care about white marshmallows right now? I’m off. Bye Stupid.”

 

 

 

“Goodnight Princess.”

 

 

 

“You won’t stop me?”

 

 

 

 

“Won’t make you do anything you don’t wanna do. Are we calling your chauffer or do you want me to walk you home?”

 

 

 

 

“I wanna punch you hard right now, lie back down. Pronto.”

 

 

“But…” I glare at you. The sharpest I can manage. “Okay, so no more hot choco?”

 

 

“Jo.Se.Phine.”

 

 

“Hey!”

 

 

“Yes?”

 

 

“Move a little to your left please.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are lying side by side. Our arms touching slightly. The fire is just the miniature version of what it was before and there’s silence again. The forsythia’s on top of our heads looks like papers and the night sky looks like an ocean with little jelly fishes, lots of blinking jelly fishes. The sound of your breathing makes me feel safe from paper cuts and jelly fish stings. I inch closer.

 

 

“Your story.” I mumbled to the night.

 

 

 

“Maybe next time.”

 

 

 

“What the hell?!”

 

 

 

“Shhh, see that.” You are pointing to the one in our left, and I can feel you move a little. You’re brighter than that. Don’t ever let anyone make you any less.”

 

 

 

“Pfft, you said I’m brighter than a star but that doesn’t make you love me right? Read my lips. Who cares?”

 

 

 

I turn to my side to face you, feeling annoyed. You’re already lying on your side, staring at me like I am one of those stars. A smile grazes your lips.

 

 

 

“I never said I didn’t.” You said gently with that stupid smile still on. The waltzing repeats with pirouette but almost melancholic this time. I bit my lower lip, feeling resigned. I didn’t fight my eyes from closing.

 

 

 

“You never said you did either.” I mumbled after a while, almost to myself only. Maybe you didn’t hear it.

 

 

 

 

“Amber loves you.”

 

 

 

It is statement of fact, nonchalant, I can feel your breathing on my face. My brows furrow. What now? The tempo of the dance in my chest picks up a notch, as the blood pounding at the back of my ears reverberates. I open my eyes to see you looking at me intently.

 

 

 

“You’re Amber.”

 

 

I almost cringe with the hope overflowing in my voice but I stay still, feeling silly at the moment.

 

 

 

“Do you want me to be Amber?”

 

 

 

“You know, this is not cutesy or anything right? This is the worst confession. Ever.” I have to voice out to cover up for the almost childish giddiness in my bones.

 

 

 

“I am not confessing, I am telling you that Amber loves you. Do you want me to be Amber, Soojungie?”

 

 

My toes definitely curl when you call me that. Damn it.

 

 

“Y-yes.”

 

 

“Then I am Amber.” You said simply.

 

 

“Why are you always making things complicated? Pull me closer.’’

 

 

“I’m just making you understand what you’re condemning yourself into.”

 

 

“Ohh, why stupid do you know what you’re signing up for with me.”

I can feel your heartbeat on my cheeks again. It’s not as tamed as mine but at least we’re breathing in synch again. The fire is almost dying but still burning proudly in the middle of your backyard.

 

 

 

“Yes. Heaven in hell, or is it the other way around?”

 

 

 

Your fingers are twirling the ends of my hair as I play with your other hand. The tense mood is completely gone.

 

 

 

“Gosh Amber. You are a handful.”

 

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

 

“And an .”

 

 

 

“I know.”

 

 

 

“An that won’t let me kiss her.”

 

 

 

“That’s not true.”

 

 

“Really?”

 

 

“Really. Close your eyes.”

 

 

“Why you’re going to kiss me?”

 

 

“You won’t find out if you won’t close your eyes.”

 

 

I obliged, voluntarily lying on my back again. The anticipation makes me a tad bit impatient, because I can feel you, staring at me. Just staring. Your left hand is still on mine but I can’t feel the other. You rearrange my fringe in ghostlike touches.

 

 

“Amber loves you without wax.”  You whisper to my ear before the trail of your lips started, from the top of my head to my forehead, and the tip of my nose. It never reached my lips, and it makes me whine in frustration.

 

 

 

“Stupid!”

 

 

 

“Loves you, stubborn little .”

 

 

“Amber Josephine Liu!”

 

 

“Das me.”

 

 

“Kiss me.”

 

 

“I just did.”

 

 

I open my eyes, and pin you with a glare.

 

 

“You’re an idiot.”

 

 

“Your idiot.”

 

 

“I know right.”

 

 

You’re smiling and I can’t stay mad at you so I just crush you in a hug. You remain lying on your back staring at the vast expanse of darkness above. It’s almost touching us now that the fire is gone, but it doesn’t bother me solely because you are here. Amber loves me after all.

 

 

“Do you think Hana turned into a star?