“Byulyi you can tell us. Tell us what’s wrong.”

“We won’t judge you. We’re your best friends. We love you okay. Always. ”

“Tell us when you’re ready Byul. Whatever it is. We will try our best to help you.” 

“I don’t know how to tell anyone. I don’t want you to hate me.”

“We won’t. No matter what. It’s going to be okay unnie.”

“Tell us. We’ll share your pain.”

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Byulyi feels a slight squeezing sensation around her midriff and Yongsun’s face snuggle further into her chest, effectively waking her up from her slumber. She doesn’t dare look down yet.  She wants this moment to last. She’s missed this. Being noticed by Yongsun again as she certainly wasn’t ignoring her now. Better to stay like this than wake up. She could stay like this forever. Content. Yongsun in her arms. Their breathing synchronized. Limbs so tangled you couldn't tell who’s who. Just Yongsun and Byulyi. 

Yongsun’s outburst certainly shocked her. Byulyi was disappointed in herself. For letting Yongsun suffer alone. For forgetting to take care of her best friend. For prioritizing others before her Yongsun. For neglecting their friendship these past few weeks. For the distance lately. Whatever the cause may be for Yongsun’s demeanor, Byulyi still felt the need to apologize. 

Yongsun’s steady breathing now filled the air. Safe to beg for forgiveness. 

“Yong, I’m so so so so sorry I wasn’t here for you. From now on I will take care of you. Okay? Please tell me what’s wrong. I’m always here.”, Byul cooed. Her promises fell to deaf ears. Whether or not they would be kept, only one would know. 

Byulyi honestly felt terrible. Guilty. She had noticed Yongsun’s mood had been off lately. She should’ve just asked. Maybe Yongsun’s panic attack just could’ve been avoided. If she was a better friend, Yongsun wouldn’t have been suffering alone. 

If I was better, Yongsun wouldn’t be so unhappy all the time. I wish I was better. 

Byulyi suddenly remembered a conversation from nearly three years ago now. 

“Take care of her, Byulyi. Please. You know how she is. Keep her happy. Call us if either of you need anything. You’re our daughter too. Take care of yourself too. We love you both, okay?”, Yongsun’s parents had made her promise before the two left for college. 

Unbeknownst to Byulyi, her own parents had had a similar conversation with Yongsun as well. 

Byulyi felt she’d been failing that first part of her promise these past few weeks. She hadn’t been paying attention to Yongsun. She certainly wasn’t keeping Yongsun happy, indeed. 

She’d have to change that from now on. After Yongsun woke up, they would talk. They had to talk. For now she would enjoy having close to her and seemingly content. With those thoughts and the feeling of having someone she loved so dearly in her arms, Byulyi slowly gave in to sleep. 

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Ever since they were kids, Yongsun had taken care of Byulyi and Byulyi, Yongsun. Sometimes, in ways they hadn’t even realized. 

Byulyi a lanky kid, quite tom-boyish got teased for that as a kid. The way she dressed, certainly wasn’t the most girly in society’s eyes but more for comfort rather than beauty. She preferred longer shorts rather than the tiny shorts other girls wore. Dresses, she’d rather die than wear one. The teasing never stopped. It surely bothered her, the other girls would ask her why she dressed like that. 

“Are you a boy?”

She was a girl why couldn’t they see. She didn’t want to be a boy. She was herself. 

“Why do you dress like that? It’s weird. You’re weird.”

She would simply reply that she dressed in a way just most comfortable for her and smile. Pretending as if their comments didn’t bother her. Putting on a mask of fake confidence, hoping no one would notice the fear and uncertainty. A source of comfort now turned into one of insecurity. 

When Byulyi had first met Yongsun, she had commented on Byulyi’s outfit. Telling her she looked cool. For the first time, besides her parents of course, someone had praised her style. Overjoyed, she grinned at Yongsun and in turn complimented Yongsun that her cheeks were cute. 

Yongsun unknowingly took care of Byulyi’s insecurities. Loved her as she was. 

In a more obvious way, Byulyi helped Yongsun deal with her anxiety issues that began with the pressures starting high school. The trust between the two grew exponentially over the years. Byulyi replaced Yongsun’s parents’ job of reassuring and calming down their child. Yongsun frequently dealt with panic attacks and bouts of anxiety, Byulyi would help her through. Even in the middle of the night, Byulyi would sneak out to Yongsun’s house in response to her frantic texts. She would lay with Yongsun, help her calm down through breathing exercises and her comforting words and presence. The fact that Byulyi had snuck out never remained a secret as she never woke up on time to sneak back home. In the morning Yongsun’s parents would go to wake up Yongsun for school but instead find the two fast asleep snuggled close under Yongsun’s blankets. Smiling and their hearts touched, they would quickly call Byulyi’s parents so they wouldn’t worry about their disappearing daughter. 

Yongsun had taken care of Byulyi’s low self-confidence and Byulyi had helped with Yongsun’s self-acceptance. 

When Yongsun had first come out to Byulyi, she had been uncertain, frightened of what others would think and of herself for being different.  Byulyi had reassured her that it didn’t matter to her no should it matter to Yongsun. She couldn’t change who she was and she certainly couldn’t bother trying.

“There are others like us, Yongsun. It’s okay. You have to be happy, what others think about your happiness it doesn’t matter. It’s not their happiness. It’s yours”, Byulyi reasoned. 

“ If anyone makes fun of you just tell me and I will beat them up”, Byulyi joked and flexed up her noodle arms. With her strength she surely couldn’t but for Yongsun she would try her best.

Yongsun sometimes felt that Byulyi would talk as if she was speaking from her own experiences. As if she understood, Yongsun’s situation more than she let on. Her suspicions had she asked Byulyi would’ve led to the discovery of maybe Byulyi’s most carefully guarded secret yet. 

Though they lived in a controlling society that demanded heteronormativity, Byulyi had known from the beginning. 

Byulyi remembered it all too well when Yongsun had come out to her. Deep down she had known for years. But never found the words to describe it. Growing up, she didn’t always have a crush on someone like the rest of her friends. She didn’t understand the overall hype over it. And she could never find a boy that really awoke any butterflies. Along with friends that were girls she had a fair share of friends that were guys. Sometimes, she felt they understood her in a way the girls didn’t. Only sometimes. Alas, they were still too gross for her. 

One day, after coming home from middle school, Byulyi resorted to her usual routine of finding  herself a snack and watching youtube. Though her English certainly wasn’t the best, from her school lessons she was able to follow along somewhat with the english-speaking youtubers. She clicked on subscriptions to check for new content. At the top of the list, a new video from her favorite youtube. She had already bought his book. Byulyi could even recite it in her sleep. In her excitement, she ignored the title. She clicked. Already smiling. She liked the video immediately. No matter what, he would never disappoint her. She knew. 

To her utter surprise, she was greeted by his face but not as she expected. The puffy eyes. The dark circles. Bloodshot eyes. Disheveled hair, no longer styled to its usual perfection. Byulyi could nearly feel his distress through the screen. 

Who had dare hurt her idol? Did someone die? What happened to her beloved friend from across the screen? Still Byulyi did not read the title. But continued watching. Waiting for answers. 

He was gay. That was it. That’s what he had said, crying. His tears streaming down his face. But why was that so bad? In that moment, Byulyi didn’t know what it exactly meant. 

A little research. And she knew. Shock rippled through her body as watched the video again. Questions swirled through her head. 

Shock. Confusion. Pain. Relief. Understanding. All coursed through Byulyi’s body in quick succession. 

She felt understood. All her life she felt as if she had been making it up. Wanting to get the girls to notice her. To hold their hands. Lacking interest in boys except as friends. She remembered feeling that if she had been born a man instead she would’ve felt normal then. But now. She was learning. That she, a girl, could love a girl. Other people felt like this too. Scared but relieved, the young Byulyi looked for more videos like this favorite youtuber of hers. She easily found a plethora of videos, she had just never looked. Finally, she felt began okay in a way. 

No one needed to know yet. Byulyi didn’t even truly know what it meant for her yet. But if she had never seen any girls dating girls or boys dating boys at school or in public. Something must be wrong. But it fit. Everything really made sense. Never having a crush. Mistaking her crushes on girls for simply desiring to be their friend. Just wanting to get close to them. For them to like her. Getting nervous when they touched her hand or hugged her. It made sense. Byulyi didn’t want it to be wrong. Finally she fit in. For once. Safe. But for now no one needed to know. 

If she has never heard about girls liking girls before, there must be a reason right. Byulyi’s bubble of a simple bliss of feeling understood and accepted wouldn’t last. There was a reason no one ever talked about it. 

To Byulyi’s surprise, one day after coming home from school, her mother was waiting for her already. She had already been happily walking home with Yongsun and her mother’s appearance only excited her further. She never came home early. Maybe they could hang out. Since she seemed to never have time lately. 

Instead her mother commanded sharply, “Byulyi, come. We have to t