I woke up at 3AM with a bad dream. 

I dreamt that Taehyung and I were together walking and he called this girl cute. 

Why the did that hurt, I'm so stupid.

Everyone is asleep, Jungkook is next to me. We're roommates. I purposely chose to share the master bedroom with Jungkook because I was scared. I was scared of being with Taehyung. Not because I'm scared of him. But I'm scared of myself. I'm scared because I might love Taehyung. He's my best friend, I can't! I really need some water...

I went outside to get a glass of water. I tiptoed and used my phone flashlight to the kitchen so that I don't wake anyone up.

     "Jimin-ah, what are you doing up?" someone with a low drowsy voice asked from behind me.

     "I'm getting a glass of water, sorry did I wake you up?"

     "No, I wanted a glass of water too. It is so hot in this apartment."

     "Here, I'll get you a glass of water, go back to your room."

     "Thanks." Taehyung said as he lazily walked back to his room.

I poured a cup of water for Taehyung and went into his room where he was already fast asleep. 

     "Taehyung-ah... drink water and go back to sleep."

     "Huh?" Taehyung quickly woke up. "Oh ok thank you."

He haned me the empty cup of water back to me as he collapsed back into his pillow before snoring within 3 seconds. 

     "Aigoo...how cute," I caught myself saying. I examined his face and I couldn't help but admire his beauty. There is something about him that is so cute but also so masculine. It shook my heart. I realized what I was thinking and stood up in shock. What the was I thinking? That's my best friend! I ran out his door and chugged more water to shake this feeling off. 

I need to sleep..I need to go back to sleep.

This was the problems for many months ahead of me. 

I ended up drowning myself in alcohol and sleep. Alcohol to make me forget the constant fear I was in. Alcohol to put me to sleep. Alcohol to numb my thoughts and feelings. 

The members worried about me.

They couldn't understand.

Of course not.

None of them are in love with their best friend...who is also your band member, who is also a guy. None of them has to deal with the consenquences of being gay in Korea and in Korean media. No one has to potentially lose their best friend if they ever found out. Literally not a single member would ever understand. 

So I kept drowining myself in alcohol.

I needed the alcohol. 

Because I could never talk to anything about this. And it was eating me alive.

***

     "Jimin-ah I'm worried about you," every single member said to me at one point.

     "About what?" I asked with a smile and pretened to be oblivious to the obvious alcohol problem I had. 

     "You drink...way too much. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do for you?"

      What can you possibly do for me. You guys will never understand the pain I'm going through.