It was the weekend before midterms and Taeil felt like he was going to die. 

Seriously. He'd had his head buried in books since six pm, only breaking for some some chocolate bars he'd stocked up on in preparation for this and returning to his studies fifteen minutes later. Now, Taeil wasn't quite sure what time it was, all he knew is that it had gotten dark quite a while ago. At this point, the only thing keeping him from yeeting himself onto the floor and staring up at the ceiling for a few hours was self hatred and sheer force of will.

"Taeil..." Johnny spoke softly. Taeil shook his head and sat up a bit; to be honest, he'd forgotten Johnny was even in the room. 

"What's up?" Taeil asked groggily, his voice rough from sleep and lack of use. 

"You've been studying for like...ever...to be honest, I'm a bit worried..."

Taeil heart did a little skippy thing but Taeil tried to ignore it. "It's fine, I always do this around exam time." 

"Oh god..." 

"What?" 

Johnny just sighed. "Take a break, please? For me?" 

"No," Taeil whined. "I'm on a roll here." 

"It's two am, come on." 

"Wait, when did it get that late?" Taeil mumbled to himself. 

"I haven't seen you lift your head for like, a couple hours. And all you've eaten is chocolate." 

"Coffee is to you the same thing that chocolate is to me. It's my fuel. I need it for survival." 

"What about, I dunno, vegetables? A good night's sleep? A break?" 

"Chocolate works just fine..." 

"Taeil," Johnny whined. 

"Fine. I'm ignoring you now," he teased back. 

Suddenly, Taeil felt his chair getting flipped around until he was facing away from the desk, Johnny looking down at him with a gentle smile. Taeil was at a loss for words for just a moment; Johnny looked so handsome in that moment, even with messed up hair and pajamas on.

"Come on. Let's go get ramen." 

Taeil knew he shouldn't, but he started to smile at the idea. "Now? At two am?" 

"Of course. I couldn't think of a better time." 

He had to study, but Johnny's grin just did him over, as usual. "Okay." 

Johnny's grin turned into a full blown smile, and he got up to get his wallet out of his backpack. Taeil threw a couple thousand won into his pocket, and Johnny threw a massive jacket at him. Taeil barely managed to catch it, looking up at Johnny with confusion in his eyes. 

"It's getting colder out now. Anyways, I haven't seen any warm jackets in your closet." Taeil hummed; his winter coat was stuffed underneath the bed, and his brain was way too fuzzy from studying to try and get it out. With a smile, he put on Johnny's jacket. 

"Ready?" Taeil nodded, and the two headed out of the door. Taeil shivered as soon as they stepped outside; he was glad Johnny had lent him the jacket (not to mention that it was giant and sorta smelled like him). They had go quite some distance, as all of the one campus convenience stores were closed at this time, but it was more than fine. It was just more time to spend with Johnny, after all. 

The freezing night air made Taeil cold but it took the study fog out of his brain, finally able to think clearly after cramming his head full of information he'd probably never use again. 

"What were you doing up so late anyways?" Taeil asked Johnny, looking up at his tall frame. 

Johnny shrugged slightly. "I dunno...I was gonna sleep an hour or two ago but then I noticed you were still looking at your books, so I just kinda wanted to make sure you went to bed on time...or at least stopped at some point..." Johnny paused to chuckle. "But then, I got hungry." 

Taeil stared at the ground watching his feet pace over the cement. Johnny had stayed up...for him? To make sure he was okay? To be honest, he didn't quite know how to answer that. 

"Well...that's really sweet. Thank you." 

Johnny shrugged again, and it was almost shy. "It was nothing, really." He brightened up and pointed down the street, where Taeil could see a light still shining. "Look, that one seems open." 

"Let's go there." Johnny grinned down at Taeil and he matched his expression, the two walking into the convenience store together. 

"Welcome in," the dead looking cashier spoke barely above a mumble, sipping his twenty-four ounce cup of iced americano like his life depended on it. Taeil looked up at Johnny, expressing his pity. 

"Well that's what you looked like when I rescued you from your studies twenty minutes ago," Johnny rebutted. Taeil pouted and stalked off to go to the ramen aisle, Johnny following close behind with a little smile. 

"God you're so ing cute," Taeil thought he heard Johnny mumble. Incredulously, Taeil looked up at Johnny. 

"What?"

Johnny chuckled. "Oh, nothing." Taeil sighed with...he wasn't sure what he was feeling, but he knew Johnny hadn't really said it. 

They each picked out a bowl (Johnny chose the spiciest, Taeil chose the least spicy), and walked over to the fridge to look at the drinks. 

"What are you gonna drink?" Johnny asked as he pulled out a can of coke. 

"Hmm, maybe peach ice tea?" 

Before Taeil could do anything, Johnny grabbed the peach ice tea out of the fridge and ran to the counter. 

"Johnny!" Taeil yelled, the two laughing as Johnny raced to the counter to try and pay. Taeil was panting by the time he got there, and the extremely annoyed looking cashier had already started to ring up Johnny's stuff. Taeil crossed his arms and made a face at Johnny, but a smile was peeking out from under it. 

"You didn't have to do that, you know," Taeil mumbled. 

"But I wanted to," Johnny answered, turning toward the cashier. "Oh, and this too," he said, plucking the bowl of ramen out of Taeil's hands and placing it on the counter. 

Taeil's jaw dropped a little and he looked up at Johnny with feigned annoyance. "You are so.."

"I'm so what?" Johnny answered, leaning down to look at Taeil more closely. At this point Johnny was almost too close, and Taeil could feel himself blushing and breathing pretty heavily. He swallowed thickly, and Johnny just grinned and turned back to the cashier. Taeil sighed at himself. Why did he always have to act like a middle schooler when Johnny just seemed unfazed by everything?

Once everything was paid for Johnny handed Taeil his ramen, the two going to the microwave in the back of the store to eat their food. They sat down at the the little chairs by the window, waiting for their food to cook and resting their heads on their hands. The world was so quiet outside, nothing going on except for the occasional sound of a car whizzing by. It was unimaginably peaceful. 

Johnny slowly turned to Taeil. 

"Why do you bother?"

Taeil perked up a bit. "Huh?"

"Why do you bother with all of that studying? You're smart, and you work so hard already. And you said you do it for every test...like...why? I-I mean, I'm not trying to offend you or anything, like, I dunno, I guess I'm just curious..."

"How else will I do well in school?" Taeil responded. 

"Taeil, you're really smart already. How much of a difference does all that studying make? Like, at some point, it won't even be able to stick...wouldn't it be better for your mental health to just, like, get a good night's sleep or relax? Like, wouldn't you end up doing better that way?" 

"If I didn't study like this, I know I wouldn't do well. At least, not good enough for myself..." 

Johnny turned fully to Taeil, completely ignoring his food. "How good is good enough?"

"Straight A's or I'm dead to myself." 

"But why? Grades aren't everything, you know..."

Taeil shrugged sadly, unable to look Johnny in the eye. "What else have I got? What else do I have going for me?" 

"I dunno, Taeil...everything?" Johnny said with a slight smile. "You're so smart, such an amazing singer, a caring and kind friend, you're the best listener I know, not to mention unbelievably handsome..." 

Taeil outright laughed. "No way." Things weren't like the beginning of the semester, where Taeil wouldn't believe anyone could think such things were true. Two months ago, Taeil would have been sure Johnny was lying. In fact, he would've thought the exact opposite about himself, that he's the dumbest, worst singer, meanest friend, and ugliest person he knew. Now he knows he's not the worst. But to be decent, or good at any of those things...that was still out of the question. Especially the attractiveness thing (which Taeil did still believe was a lie). 

"Oh my god don't laugh, I'm being serious!" 

Taeil rolled his eyes. "No way!" 

"Taeil, stop!" Johnny whined, shaking his shoulder. "Stop thinking badly of yourself."

"Like it's that easy," Taeil sort of teased back. 

"You know I mean what I said, right?" 

"Yeah. I just think you're stupid." 

Johnny laughed loudly at that, earning a glare from the cashier, and Taeil shook his head. "I'm just kidding," he mumbled. 

"Seriously though," Johnny said. "Don't overwork yourself any more. You don't have to. You are so much more than a good test score...there's so much more to you...kind, talented, smart handsome-"

"Now that one I'll never believe," Taeil said jokingly. 

"But I'm serious," Johnny said, his tone changing, and Taeil finally looked up at him. He was looking down at Taeil seriously; he meant it, and Taeil couldn't possibly fathom it. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, so loud he was afraid Johnny would hear it. 

"You know...I think the same of you. Y-you're smart, and so, so kind, and so funny, the funniest person I know, and just like, otherworldly gorgeous, and...." 

He trailed off, him and Johnny staring at each other wordlessly. Their eyes, on each other, his heart beating, his stomach twisting into knots...Taeil knew something felt different tonight. The energy, the cold night air, it was different. Something was going to give. It had to. 

"Oh, our ramen probably got cold," Johnny said quietly, chuckling a little. 

"Yeah," Taeil chuckled back uncomfortably, the two turning away from each other to eat. Other than the slurp of their noodles and the buzz of the refridgerators that convenience store was silent but it didn't feel awkward in the slightest. The tension in the air was thick and heavy, and Taeil couldn't tell what it meant and it was driving him crazy. He and Johnny looked back and forth at one another, wordlessly, tirelessly, waiting. 

Their food was finished and Johnny looked at his phone for the first time that night. 

"It's 3:30. We should head back."

"Yeah," Taeil answered, tossing their trash and stepping out into the brisk night air without a word to the cashier, his presence entirely forgotten. 

Taeil shivered but he could barely feel the cold, his blood rushing too fast through his veins, and they were barely a few paces from the convenience store when Johnny grabbed his hand. Taeil let out a slight gasp, his almost numb fingers interlocked with Johnny's warm ones, shocked. He was far too nervous to look up at Johnny, but Johnny squeezed his hand, asking if this was okay without any words. Taeil squeezed back, as tight as he could, and they started the walk back to the dorm. 

Something about that night made them want to get home; Johnny walked way too fast so Taeil had practically run to keep up with him but it was fine, it felt right, it felt like he had to run to keep this thing coming. 

They were both weezing halfway up the hill but they still walked as quickly as their legs would take them, Johnny finally turning to look down at Taeil with a breathless smile on his face. 

"Taeil...you're so cool. You know that, right?" 

In that moment, Taeil couldn't deny it, all he could do was nod. "You too. You too Johnny." 

They shared another look before walking again, and Taeil felt so utterly ridiculous that he outright laughed. This was cheesy, this was crazy, and what for? Taeil felt like he was in a movie, but he couldn't think of much else, all he could think was oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god. 

Finally they reached their dorm building, panting as they pushed their way inside, walking down to the elevator with hearts thumping. Taeil could hear Johnny's too, in that moment, and the wait for the elevator to reach the bottom floor felt like the most excrutiating lifetime. 

The little ding took both of them out of their heads, stepping in quickly. Taeil pressed the button for their floor and Johnny pressed the close button, over and over again, so many times Taeil was a little afraid it would break. It was quiet in there that Taeil could even hear the noise of the elevator doors swooshing shut, barely louder than the sound of the own heartbeats. 

But the noise of the elevator calling their floor, telling the two of them it was moving up was immediately drowned out by the sound of Taeil's blood rushing through his veins when Johnny pressed him up against the side of the mirrored elevator walls. Taeil honestly had no idea who reached for the other first, it was probably both of them anyways but it didn't matter because lips were on lips, gentle with the fear and care of first love yet passionate with teen hormones and a build up of months in the making. 

Johnny's hands felt like the perfect weight on Taeil's waist, holding him steady as he felt like he was floating so high he'd float right out of this elevator. Taeil wrapped his arms around Johnny's shoulders, shyness briefly gone in the heat of the moment. This was only the second kiss of Taeil's life and the first done out of his own free will, without any game telling him what to do, and somehow it was even better than he could've possibly imagined. Johnny's lips were soft and warm against the cool wall of the elevator on Taeil's back, and in that moment, he could have melted away. He was shaky in the best way possible, and Johnny was so close and it was desperately perfect, hands touching wherever they good. Maybe it was the time, maybe it was the day, maybe it was Johnny, but Taeil felt crazy. 

And just like that...it was over. It felt like no less than fifteen minutes but how long was it...five, no more than ten seconds? And the elevator was dinging again, and he and Johnny were leaning on opposite sides of the walls, panting like they just done a marathon, hair and clothes tousled, and the doors opened right on their floor.

As if in shock, the two boys stepped, the elevator neatly closing behind them, closing off all evidence of what they had just done. 

Taeil had no idea what was supposed to happen next. His mind was far too blank and he was still far too nervous to do much of anything, really, except walk back to their room. Johnny followed behind, wordlessly, all the way through from the front door until they finally walked back into their shared bedroom. 

Once inside, Taeil didn't know what to do but just...stand there. He'd kissed Johnny. Johnny had kissed him back. But..what could this all mean? Did Johnny want to sleep with him now, was it just a one off thing, was it a confession of sorts, were they together now? It was four in the morning and Taeil's brain felt too full for all of this. He just wanted to go to sleep, and put off the possibility of disappointment until the morning. 

Of course, there was a part of Taeil that was over the moon, on cloud nine, full of happiness, like nothing could ever go wrong. But the other part of him, the part of him that Taeil was begging to go away but felt like would always be there, was telling him this meant nothing. Of course it didn't, Johnny was far too good for him, hell, why would Taeil even bother to kiss him back? It was pointless, just, pointless. 

Silently, still looking at the floor, Taeil passed Johnny's jacket back to him. Johnny took it from his delicate fingers but stayed put. 

"Should we...um...talk-"

"Talk about it tomorrow?" Taeil interrupted uncomfortably. 

Johnny nodded, more to himself than anything. "Of course, if that's what you want. You need your sleep, anyways, we've got class tomorrow."

"Yeah," Taeil said with a wince. 

"I-I'm gonna go wash up now." 

"Okay." 

Johnny quietly left the room to go brush his teeth and as soon as he was gone, it was like everything keeping Taeil up just flew out of him. God he was tired, he felt like he'd been a stretched rubber band all day and someone finally let it fall to the ground. Still wearing his day clothes he got into bed, snuggling under the covers, despite his own exhaustion mentally preparing for an uneasy sleep. 

Johnny came back in a few minutes later, folding his clothes quietly, making sure Taeil was trying to sleep before turning off the light and climbing into his top bunk. 

"Good night," Johnny mumbled.

"Good night," Taeil answered, nerves already building in his stomach for what the next day would bring. 

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A/N: I debated on whether it was even appropriate to post a chapter today in light of what happened, but I hope this served as a good distraction for everyone who is suffering right now. Rest in peace sulli, you did well.