The week after the boys had got back from Seoul had been a long one. It was always harder to concentrate on schoolwork when you had just had so much fun just a little while before. Catching up from all the work he hadn't done over the weekend had also severely cut down on Taeil's time with his boyfriend. 

But now it was finally Friday, and he was free from everything. Now technically it was Saturday but Taeil liked to imagine it was still Friday. Even though they had no plans that weekend, other than to be as lazy as humanly possible and just spend time with each other, Taeil didn't like to think that these precious moments with Johnny were passing by. He knew he was savoring, appreciating every moment, but soon enough there would be a time when it couldn't just be like this, if only for a short while (winter break was a thing that was happening soon, and not only was Johnny going back to America for the month off, but Taeil was moving back in with his parents for just that time. Thinking about it for more than thirty seconds made Taeil physically nauseous). Maybe it was a bad thing not to think about his inevitable terrible upcoming month, but it was a good thing too. Taeil wanted to stay here, right in these perfect moments here with Johnny. Staying in the present was always another thing Taeil wasn't very good at, but things were just too nice with Johnny to not want to be caught up in every second of them. 

He and Johnny were cozied up in Taeil's bed. With Johnny there it was far too small for two grown men but Taeil didn't really mind, pressed up tight against Johnny, held in his big arms. They faced each other in the small bed, Johnny's long legs tangled in with Taeil's short ones. It was two am, after a long marathon of movies (Johnny was astounded that Taeil had never seen any of the high school musical movies and made him watch all three in one sitting), but neither of them were particularly tired yet. Although, Taeil hoped that despite the tight squeeze, Johnny would end up sleeping here. 

Johnny tucked a small lock of hair behind Taeil's ear, looking at him with the gentlest of smiles. "Taeil..." 

Taeil blinked and looked up at him curiously. "Yeah?" 

"What's your deepest, darkest secret?" 

Taeil laughed. "That was abrupt." 

Johnny laughed along with him. "I dunno...Taeil, I'm just so curious about you. I wanna know everything. I hope that doesn't make me creepy..." 

"It's not creepy," Taeil said, snuggling deeper into Johnny. "You're sweet." 

"Naw, I just like you a lot." 

Taeil smiled at that. "It's still amazing to me that you do. Although at least now I believe it." 

"You better," Johnny mumbled, pecking Taeil's lips. "Anyways, you never answered my question." 

"That's a big question," Taeil whined softly. "You go first, then I'll tell you." 

"Me?" Taeil nodded, and Johnny began to think. "I don't have many secrets; you know I'm not a secretive person." 

"If you pose the question, you've got to answer it too." 

Johnny hummed and flopped over, looking up at the underside of his bed on the bunk. Even though he was looking up, he still played with Taeil's hair to his side. 

Johnny finally looked back over at Taeil, his expression serious. 

"I guess it's not really a secret? It's just not something I usually tell other people..." 

"It's alright, go ahead," Taeil spoke softly. 

"Well," he started, shifting back onto his side to face Taeil, "I'm, um, not out to my parents...no, no I know it's not a big deal," Johnny answered to Taeil's confused expression. "I just...I feel like it's not me." 

Taeil nodded, giving Johnny all of his attention.

Johnny sighed, propping his head up on his arm. "You know, I don't immediately read as gay like Ten does, but at the same time I don't try to hide it, you know? I want people...most people...to know. I want my middle school self to be able to look at me now and be proud; be inspired." 

Taeil grasped Johnny's hand. "You're so brave..." 

"No I'm not," Johnny spoke a touch louder. "I can't tell two of the people I'm closest to in the world. I...I'm pretty they'll be accepting, but I really don't know for sure. I'm too scared to even broach the subject with them, not even about me." He sighed again. "I act like I'm confident about being gay. I want young me, now me, my friends, you, to think I'm open and confident about the whole thing. But I'm not... I'm just not." 

Taeil looked at the worry in Johnny's eyes, playing with each other's fingers, silent as Taeil absorbed everything Johnny said. 

Finally, Taeil spoke. "I understand you. Believe me, I understand you." Johnny sighed with relief. "You don't have to be confident for me, you know." Taeil looked up at Johnny "We can figure it out together." 

Slowly, Johnny smiled. "Taeil, you're an angel." 

"And anyways... I don't know, I haven't known I was gay for very long, but I don't think coming out is the end-all be-all of being proud of your uality. Obviously there's a want to live truthfully, but to me, coming out is more about straight people, you know? In a perfect world anyone would be able to take their partner home to meet their parents and not have to explain their gender beforehand. So you shouldn't feel like a bad gay person. You're not unconfident, you're just not ready. And that's so fine." 

Johnny stared at Taeil for a long time. "Taeil, you're perfect," he whispered before pulling Taeil into a close hug. Taeil let out a breath and buried himself deeper in Johnny's arms. "How are you so smart?" 

"I"m not, really... I just think about things sometimes." 

Johnny let Taeil out of his grasp so he could look him in the eyes. 

"Thank you...thank you for getting it. It's not a big deal... but it's a big deal to me." 

"If it's a big deal to you, then it's a big deal. Period." 

Johnny hummed at that and they fell silent for a moment, Johnny playing with Taeil's hair. 

"It's your turn, Taeil," he finally spoke with a smile. 

"Augh!" Taeil whined, hiding his smile in the crook of Johnny's neck. 

"If you don't wanna share, that's okay," Johnny mumbled. 

"No, no, I do, I just... I don't have many secrets either." 

"But you're so quiet," Johnny said while laughing. 

"True, but my life has been too boring for secrets. Meeting you and our other friends is by far the most interesting thing that's ever happened to me." 

"It doesn't have to be interesting," Johnny spoke softly into his hair. 

Taeil thought for a moment. Really, he didn't have any secrets from Johnny. He felt comfortable talking about anything with Johnny. He was a simple person, really; and Johnny knew all about the main source of his unhappiness, his family. 

But, thinking about it...there was one thing Taeil hadn't dared to think about...the thing. The body thing. The thing that made him go change his clothes in the bathroom and avoid kissing Johnny for too long, no matter how much he wanted to keep going. He wanted it. Badly. It was damn hard to suppress those feelings when it was late and they were kissing and Johnny was so big in Taeil's small bed, around Taeil's small frame. But he had to. He knew Johnny liked him now, but would he still like him if he saw him like that, with all of his ness and inexperience exposed? 

God all of it was humiliating. He just wanted to be confident and y for Johnny, but he had no reason to be confident, and he sure as hell wasn't y. 

Yeah, it was embarrassing, but... Johnny should know. He must be wondering why Taeil always gets so...awkward. Anyways, it might make him feel better to talk it through with him. 

Taeil sighed and looked Johnny in the eyes before flitting them away. Johnny sat up, listening closely. 

"Well, just like yours, mine isn't exactly a secret either, and maybe you kinda know? But, um... I hate my body. I mean, that shouldn't be a surprise, but...I hate my body. I hate the way I look."

Johnny seemed to just sigh but Taeil could tell by the twitches of his face that he was upset and angry. Taeil sighed too and continued. 

"I talk down on myself a lot but I'm saying it's a secret because, I don't talk about it all the time. I don't want to seem like I'm fishing for compliments or make you worried or feel bad for me, so that's why I try not to mention it. But... Johnny, it's so bad. Like...." He paused to sigh. "Going shopping. Going shopping for clothes is impossible. I don't think I've been in a dressing room since I was a little kid, now I just grab clothes in a size I know is probably a bit big on me and just buy it. I can't look in the mirror too long, or else..., this is gonna sound ridiculous, but...I sometimes start crying, I dunno...it's such a petty thing to care about, you know? Whenever I get upset about it I feel so shallow, like my brother almost. But I want to like the way I look. I want to be attractive; I want you to find me attractive." 

"I do. I do, I hope you know I do..." Johnny spoke quickly. He was trying so hard to stay calm, Taeil could tell. 

"I kind of believe it. Kind of... but, I mean... ugh, this is so awkward to talk about." He laughed uncomfortably. "I know you've seen me changing my clothes before we started dating, but I didn't mind you seeing that because I thought I didn't have a chance, but like, now, I am afraid to let you see me like... that. Because as much as I believe that you like me I can't imagine you liking my body. I...I'm always afraid you'll leave once you see me like that." 

Johnny let out a deep sigh. "I was wondering about that," he mumbled, almost inaudibly. 

Taeil looked down. "Yeah. I hope it didn't make you uncomfortable..." 

"God no Taeil. Of course it didn't make me uncomfortable. I'll be honest, part of me was a bit sad, thinking that you didn't trust me... but I was never too upset." 

"P-part of me just wants to keep a veneer for you... keep the mask, the cover on. So you'll still like me." 

Johnny looked pained. "I'll always like you Taeil. Always. No matter what." He sighs. "Even if you weren't the most beautiful person on earth, I would still like you. But you are, to me..." 

Taeil buried his face in Johnny's chest. "It's so nice to hear things like that..." 

"You should hear it more," Johnny answered, petting Taeil's hair. 

"I've never heard it before." 

Taeil could feel Johnny shudder. He looked up at his boyfriend, worried. 

"I'm sorry. I'm trying my best not to get angry, because it's not your fault and I don't want you to think it is. But I'm angry, at your parents, at your brother, at the stupid ing people in the town you grew up in..." Johnny sighed, again, and Taeil could feel him try to detense. "I'm sorry. Again." 

"I-it's okay..." Taeil said slowly. 

"It's just... you. Are. Beautiful. You just are. I promise you I'm not the only person who thinks so. You're.... you don't know how painful it is to hear you talk about yourself like this, not that I want you to feel like you can't talk to me about it. I want you to talk to me about it. I can't imagine how much it hurts you, if it hurts me this much. You know... the way you feel is totally valid, of course. But I think you see yourself in a totally distorted way. The world doesn't see you the way you see you, I promise." 

Taeil was silent. He didn't know what to say. What could he say? He didn't think he could believe Johnny. But he could believe Johnny meant what he said. And that's all he could do, for now. 

He again buried his head in Johnny's chest. He didn't think he could look him in the eyes, he wanted to be close to him but there were tears in his eyes and he didn't want Johnny to waste any more hurt on him. Taeil winced when he sniffled. 

"Darling, why are you crying?" Johnny said, tilting Taeil's chin up to look him in the eyes. 

Taeil's eyes quivered. "You're so kind... you're just so kind." 

"Taeil, I wouldn't lie to you. I'm not kind, I'm being honest with you. I know you feel like the people who hurt you were saying the truth, but they were the ones who lied to you." 

Taeil sighed softly. "Are you sure?" 

Johnny nodded gently. "I'm sure." He paused for a moment. "Do you believe me?" 

Slowly, Taeil nodded. "I...I think I do. And Johnny, I promise the way I feel has nothing to do with you, I-" 

"Oh Taeil, I know that, I promise."

Taeil and Johnny fell silent for a moment, just thinking over the words they had spoken. And, very slowly, Taeil smiled. 

"Thank you." 

"For what?" Johnny asked. 

"For...saying the right thing." 

Johnny nodded and kissed Taeil's forehead. "I hope one day you can love yourself as much as I love you." Immediately, both of them froze. Neither of them had spoken the l word yet. But... Taeil felt it. Definitely. Completely. Maybe Johnny had accidentally let it slip, but it was the right time. 

"Johnny, I love you too." They both beamed at each other, gripping each other tight, tangling their legs together. Johnny cupped Taeil's cheek and kissed him, so gently but so passionately. 

"You know, with your encouragement... I think I can love myself." 

Johnny smiled so bigly for a moment, his eyes going soft and a little wet before pelting Taeil with kisses. Taeil giggled gently before Johnny grasped him so tight again, holding him against his chest. 

Slowly they calmed down from the intense feelings, just holding each other, quietly, smiling into the crooks of each other's necks. Oh my god... Johnny loves him. Taeil couldn't stop thinking about it; he loves him. Honestly, Taeil could not remember the last time someone told him he loved him. He felt like he could explode with love, and affection. 

It made him...it didn't make him , exactly. But in that moment, the thing Taeil wanted to do the most was, as cheesy as it sounds, make love to Johnny. He just wanted to show, rather than tell, Johnny all the love that was in his heart. Would Johnny want that? Would Johnny like that? 

"Taeil...are these body insecurities the reason why you don't wanna...." Johnny slowly spoke. 

Taeil sighed deeply, his stomach burning. He took a long time to answer. "No, Johnny, I do wanna. Again, I'm just scared...I'm scared you won't like me after." 

"Why wouldn't I?" Johnny asked, genuinely. 

"Because you'll see me, like...like  . And, like, are you a ?"

Johnny shook his head. 

"Well, uh..." Taeil laughed. "I am." He laughed again. "I'm sorry, I'm so awkward talking about... stuff. Honestly, part of me thought no one would ever wanna...um... with me. So I didn't think about it too much until you. Until we started dating. But..." He laughed awkwardly again. "I dunno, would it be very fun with me? Since I don't really know what I'm doing..." 

"Believe me Taeil, I'd have a lot of fun, as long as I know you want to just as much as I do. And anyways... don't feel awkward about being a . People in the US do it way younger than here. Most people just try and lose it before they go to college, no matter how much they actually want to do it. It's really not just you I promise." 

Taeil felt a little bit relieved at that. But at that same time, his nerves and butterflies just kept on growing. As he told Johnny, talking about was awkward for him. But he could tell, he could just tell that Johnny actually wanted to have with him. It surprised Taeil, but it made him excited. There was a chance that he could actually have , at some point. Something he honestly didn't really think would ever happen. Something he deeply wanted but suppressed for years, was now in the cards for him. It gave him that feeling, almost the same as the way he felt those minutes before he and Johnny kissed in the elevator all those months ago: nervous but excited inevitability. "You..." He started, "You wanna do it with me?" 

Johnny inhaled and exhaled. "Yes," he answered, so firmly that a shiver ran down Taeil's spine. 

"Do you find me...attractive? Do you find me y?" Taeil asked, butterflies burning his stomach. 

"God yes," Johnny answered, pulling Taeil closer. "I've been...I've been holding back. I didn't want to pressure you, or make you uncomfortable in any way. And there is no way in hell I would wanna do it with you if you didn't want to. Taeil...do you want to have with me? Are you ready?" 

Taeil only had to think for a second. "Yes. I...I wanna. Badly. Maybe, maybe I don't like myself, but you like me. , I mean, you love me. And I don't think you're gonna leave me any more." 

"Do you promise?" 

Taeil nodded firmly, looking Johnny right in the eyes.

Slowly Johnny smiled. "Right now?" 

Taeil smiled back. "Right now."