“Among the stars that fill up the sky, I’m looking for our constellation, as if we’ll always be forever.”

Apink, Forever Star

I didn’t know how warm I had been within the comfort of the palace until we left the gates and the cold slapped me in the face so suddenly that I almost reeled.

Whatever enchantment had descended upon the palace, it no longer governed here, and I could feel the biting chill of the air as I clutched the reins of Yoongi’s horse, leaning as close as I could as we galloped down the mountain.

Looking over my shoulder, I could see the faint silhouette of the palace rooftops above the trees, before they eventually disappeared from view.

I stifled a sob under the hood of my coat, and if it was any colder, my tears would have turned to icicles, with the way the blizzard was starting to fall.

Just yesterday, I was laughing with nary a care in the world.

Suddenly, everything changes just as I was starting to be happy.

Oh, Father, please wait for me.

I’ve given up something that’s been so, so valuable for you once more, you can’t leave me just yet.

I shut my eyes, the warm tears leaving a hot trail down my cold cheeks.

I gave up what might have been the most precious thing in my life: my heart.

I tugged at the reins, slowing to a trot as I saw the familiar - yet so unrecognizable - village gates.

Namjoon noticed I wasn’t riding beside him and turned. “Eunji?” he asked, looking at me, “You alright?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I breathed, my voice hoarse from my dry throat, “I’m scared.”

He nudged his horse towards me, until we were side by side. “It’s home,” he said, reaching over to place an arm on my shoulder, “Everyone’s waiting. Let’s go.”

“For the past six months, I called another place home.”

“That wasn’t your home. This is.”

“I feel different,” I said to him, my lips trembling, “The Eunji who left isn’t the same one who’s returning. Namjoon, I am terrified of what awaits me there. I don’t know if I can do this.”

His fingers were cool as he interlaced them in mine, and I looked at our hands for a moment before I lifted my gaze towards him.

As much as I appreciate the fact that he’s holding my hand…

...It feels like I shouldn’t for some reason.

I don’t know if it was because I felt like Yoongi comforted me better, or because we haven’t acknowledged whatever had been abruptly put on pause the day I left.

“Your hands are cold,” I only said, taking my hand away, stuffing it into the fluffy white fur coat around me.

“S-sorry,” he said, looking around, “Strange, isn’t it? The blizzard came out of nowhere. I don’t think it’s been this cold since a long time.”

As he said that, a gust of wind blew at us, making my teeth chatter.

Strange, indeed.

“Come on, there’s got to be a fire in your house,” he said, clicking his tongue at his horse, leading it forward.

I in a deep breath, holding back the dread in my heart that was screaming at me not to take another step, and followed Namjoon.

Crossing the threshold of the village, I looked at the houses, with their windows all thatched and their doors closed.

How strange that I left in the beginning of spring, and now I have returned in the inception of winter.

Has it really been that long? It doesn’t feel like it.

The village didn’t seem to have changed in the time that I was gone.

“Here we are,” Namjoon said ahead, and I turned to see him hop down from his horse, before coming over to me, “I got you.”

For a few seconds I stared at the doors to my house, unsure what I would find inside.

“Eunji,” my friend said softly.

I pushed his hands away. “I can do this myself,” I said to him, “Just...please, can I please have a moment, at least?”

He nodded, but not before I saw the flash of hurt in his eyes. “Take all the time you need,” he told me, going to the door and rapping on it.

I swung my leg over and jumped off the saddle, the horse absentmindedly.

Suddenly I didn’t want to be here anymore.

What will you find in there? I asked myself, as the doors opened.

Isn’t this all you wanted in the beginning, crying to sleep knowing you miss your family?

“What are you doing here, can’t you see it’s a ing snowstorm? I mean I know you’re strong but- Is that Eunji?”

Before I knew it, I had already burst into tears at the sound of my twin’s voice, and almost pushed Namjoon aside as I ran towards the doors. “Hoseok!” I cried, my voice breaking as I threw my arms around my brother.

He returned my embrace with equal emotion, holding me close to him as if he was never going to let go. “How did- you- I don’t believe this- you’re home!” he laughed into my hair, swinging me around and around, “Everyone! Eunji’s back! Get out here right now!”

Before I knew it, my brothers had appeared.

“Noona!” Jimin yelled, while Jungkook tripped as he ran towards me, almost toppling us to the ground with the strength of their combined hugs. “You’re home!”

“Welcome back,” my youngest brother said with a sniffle, squeezing the life out of me, “Noona, I missed you so.”

They parted, and I spotted my stepmother, sobbing into her hands at the top of the steps.

“Eunji?” she asked, trying to smile.

She lost a lot of weight.

“Mother,” I said, my lip trembling, and ran into her waiting arms, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean all the terrible things I said when I left-”

“It’s alright,” she said, my hair as I cried, “You’re back now. And you’ve grown. Look at you! Come, your father would be overjoyed to see you!”

She pulled me by the hand, leading me to her room, and for a few seconds, I stood at the doorway, staring at the man lying on the mat, wrapped up in blankets as he faced the ceiling, his eyes closed.

There was a sickly pallor in his skin, and I could see his cheekbones jutting out. His lips were cracked and grayish, as if he were already dying.

My heart broke at the sight. I threw open my coat, letting it fall to the floor as I ran to my father’s side, taking his hand in both of my own.

His skin was hot to the touch in contrast to my freezing one, and I leaned close, holding back tears as I kissed his brow.

“Father,” I whispered in his ear, “It’s me, Eunji. I’m home.”

A moment passed. Then another. And another.

And then…

A gasp escaped his lips.

His eyebrows twitched.

His eyelids fluttered open slightly, his irises fixed on me.

Another gasp.

“Eun….ji…”

I held onto his hand tightly. “It’s me!” I cried, “Father, it’s me!”

He stared at me for the long painful seconds that passed.

And then a tear trickled out of his eye.

“Eunji-ya…” he rasped.

I placed his hand against my cheek, nodding.

“Let her be with him,” Hoseok commanded, placing a hand on my shoulder, “We’ll get you some food, alright?”

Jimin nodded, watching me shudder from the cold. “And some dry clothes.”

“I’ll go help Namjoon with your things,” Jungkook volunteered, and the trio left the small room to go about their duties.

My stepmother sat opposite me, wiping her tears as she smiled at me. “You have no idea how much we’ve missed you while you were away,” she said with a chuckle, “I’m so happy you’re home, Eunji.”

I nodded. “I’m happy to be...home...too.”

“Come, let’s get you changed, you’re cold to the touch!” she said, taking my hand and leading me towards the kitchen, where a table was propped up at the same place where it usually was as far as I had remembered.

Jimin appeared with one of my old dresses, and I proceeded to change in the adjoining room.

While she busied herself to serve the food, the memories of the lavish spreads I always had for my meals sprang to my mind.

Though I knew I was not the kind of girl who expected luxury, it was hard not to notice the simple meals I was going to have from now on.

There wouldn’t be dinners on the rooftop, or the spacious Phoenix Hall, for that matter.

There wouldn’t be meat every day, and there definitely wouldn’t be more than ten side dishes that tasted like heaven every time I ate them.

You’ve lived without that extravagance before, Jung Eunji, you can do it again.

“Here, let me help,” I offered, going to take the bowls, “Is that cabbage soup?”

My stepmother nodded. “Jimin was at school today, and over the past few weeks I’ve been doing most of the cooking,” she told me with a sheepish smile, “You’re probably going to say it’s not good as your brother’s-”

I took a spoonful and brought it to my lips. “Mother!” I exclaimed, “How could you say that when it tastes really good?”

“You think so?”

I grinned. “Do I lie?”

Hoseok entered the kitchen. “Do we look like the gullible rich men you used to con?” he joked, walking over to the kettle and taking it off the fire, “You lie all the time.”

I placed my hand on my hip. “Well, not anymore.”

He chuckled to himself, pouring water into our cups. “Sit down, we got this.”

“Oh, please, I’m not a guest, you don’t have to treat me like that.”

How strange to be surrounded by my family, I thought distractedly, watching my brothers banter during lunch with a faint smile on my face.

Father was asleep, but we needn’t worry; it was the first time he had consented to eating his porridge for days, and everyone was in high spirits.

It turned out that Lady Hong had prepared more than just snacks; there was a few little jars of sauces that she had taken from the kitchens, and Jimin’s eyes had practically rolled back when he had tasted some of them.

If only they knew how well I ate while I was away.

Their jaws would drop.

“Tell us everything,” Jungkook said excitedly, “I want to know the story about how you lived in the palace in the mountains!”

“Hush, now, let her eat,” Jimin interrupted him, placing a dish “Noona, have some more meat. I prepared it just for you.”

“Thank you, Jimin. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, she’s so ladylike,” Jungkook mused, “You don’t even use spoons anymore. How did you learn to eat like that? You look like a princess.”

I hadn’t even noticed. “Hush. Don’t eat with your mouth full.”

He turned to Hoseok. “She’s a lady now!” he said, as a chunk of meat fell out of his mouth, “Who are you and what have you done to my sister?”

I chuckled. “I’m still here. Just a little different.”

My twin reached over the small table, taking my hand in his. “Good to have you back, sis.”

I placed my other hand on his, giving a comforting smile.

“Your robes look expensive,” my stepmother said, inspecting my sleeve as she rubbed her fingers in the material, “Where did you get this?”

“Yoongi got them tailored for me.”

“Yoongi?”

I sipped my tea, looking at everyone. “That’s the name of the creature...who took care of me,” I said, “The one that Father was terrified of. He’s the master of the palace in the mountains.”

For a long time, none of them spoke.

Then Hoseok leaned forwards. “The monster that Father keeps rambling about?”

The way he spoke stung.

They don’t know Yoongi.

“Is it true that he’s ten feet tall?”

I frowned. “Well, not ten feet, but tall enough-”

“Does he have fangs?”

“Yes-”

My brother gasped. “How sharp are his claws? Did he hurt you?”

Before I could even reply, Hoseok rolled his eyes. “He’s a monster, Jungkook. He’s not human. What do you expect?”

I swallowed. “He’s not a monster. He’s my friend. He’s never hurt me,” I explained, “Yoongi is so different from what Father said about him.”

The table was quiet.

I looked down at my food, adding, “He’s gentle, and he likes to paint and watch the sunsets with me and he listens to me read-”

“You can read?” my brothers chorused in shock.

I gave a proud smile and nodded. “I was trained by the best.”

“Prove it!” Jungkook challenged excitedly, “Hyung, give her your book. Let her read it.”

“Give me your hardest one, Jimin,” I added, as he got up and shot out of the room.

He ran back, almost toppling over Hoseok’s foot in his haste to pass it to me.

I took the book in my hand, flipping the pages open, before proceeding to read the page with ease.

All three boys - and Mother - stared at me, their mouths open.

I shut the book, passing it back to Jimin. “Well? What do you think?”

“She is a lady,” Jungkook whispered, “A real one, like those in the court!”

“Are you sure you were in the mountains and not the Capital, noona?”

“Of course, silly. I was taught by this terribly annoying man named Viscount Kim,” I began my story, “They say he’s legendary in the Capital. The youngest warrior and scholar to be accepted into the Court…”

Waking up the first day after my return was surreal.

Used to being up before sunrise, I woke up with a start, realizing that I had completely missed the sun today. Instead, the dull morning light peeked brought the cracks in my closed windows, and as I sat up, I stared around my room in confusion.

And then, completely out of the blue, I burst into tears.

I hugged myself, wrapping the thin blanket that did little to keep the cold away around me, and hunched over as I sobbed into my small pillow.

Things had been different.

And as much as I’m trying to tell myself that I’m home now…

The palace - and everyone in it - was my home too.

And I feel so changed and new and different, but it seemed like this village and my family stayed the same.

I hate the feeling of being horribly out of place.

It felt like something had been ripped from me, leaving a gaping wound that was bleeding out.

I didn’t know how I was going to find my normalcy once more, but this couldn’t do.

I wiped my tears away. “You can get through this,” I whispered to myself, “You’re Jung Eunji. You can get through anything.”

Getting up, I went to the trunks that my brothers had dragged into my room, and unlatched them, noticing that my clothes from the palace were in there, from my dresses, the training robes, and, I noted, the decadent robes I had worn to my birthday dinner.

Running my hand over the fabric of my favorite yellow dress, I took it out.

Nothing brings a bit of joy than a bright color.

Taking out the rest, I placed them in the flimsy cupboards in my room, making a mental note to ask Namjoon if his carpentry skills were as good as his welding before emptying all the trunks one by one.

With my old dresses next to my new ones, I could see the distinctive differences between the two, and I smiled faintly to myself.

Once upon a time, these old rags were beautiful to me, and they had served me well: clothing a girl on the verge of womanhood, worn well during my escapades and scuffed from all the times I had to fall or climb up walls.

Living in the palace, I had grown accustomed to the practices, the expectations to be better than the girl I had been before.

Jungkook was right. I was like a lady worthy of being in court, and I had come too far to return to the immature girl I had been.

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