The clock tower was noticeably colder than the other parts of the base. I rub my arms, trying to collect my thoughts before I opened my mouth to speak. I noticed directly to the right of the door there was a small set of stairs that led to a loft. There wasn’t much around. A dresser and a wardrobe below the loft probably held his clothes, and there was a chair to the left with a light and a bookshelf. The bed he was sitting on, I now notice, was just a single. There was a bout two space heaters on either corner, and I could the top of one from the loft.

The walls to the left and right were made up of multiple glass panes of different colors, which made sense after I found brochures describing the school a ‘school for the arts’. There was machinery around, but most of it was in the air, or parts have completely fallen off and taken elsewhere. There were also hanging lights from the ceiling and the parts that remain. I assume were installed by the guys, because they didn’t match and the wiring seemed a bit iffy. The floor was a concrete, hard and probably cold to the touch. The wall directly across from Yixing was also solid, and filled with different paintings and graffiti.

I couldn’t shake the feeling of awkwardness. I felt like I was intruding, like I didn’t belong. “Um… did, did you know that when we’re born, humans have 350 bones, b-but many of them fuse as we get older. Isn’t that weird?”

I hear a small chuckle come from him, “You know, your mom told us that you have a habit of spouting trivia when you’re nervous.”

“I’m not, I just thought it was interesting is all,” I explain, trying to hide how scattered my nerves were.

He looks up at me with a small sad smile, “She also said you’d deny it every time.”

“How come she told you all about me but never me about you?!” I cross my arms, “It’s like she spent more time with you all then me. What else did she say?”

He frowns a bit, “Y/N, are you sure you want to talk about her? I thought you want to talk about… well, what hap-”

“I do,” I interrupt him, “But… I haven’t talked about it. At all. All the people who knew me at my job kept trying to get me to talk to them or to someone about it, like a grief counselor, but how could I? And now that I want to talk about it, it’s like no one wants to.”

“You haven’t spoken about her death,” Yixing asks incredulously. “How?”

“Mom was the only person I had in my life. All my co-workers didn’t really like me, which before you defend them, I can tell since I know if they lie. Because I went through school so quick I was seen as a freak and made no friends there.” I grab at the sleeves of my sweater, pulling them a bit, trying to keep my hands occupied. “Then after college, people placed me on this pedestal that made it just so hard to have any kind of relationship with people my own age, because they think they’re not good enough for me or they think I think I’m too good for them, which is the exact opposite! Mom was the only person who cared in my life and with her gone I just… I bottled it up because what kind of an awful daughter would I have been if I went to a grief counselor and said ‘My mother died and all I can feel is anger because it was like she was barely in my life for months before that, and I felt ashamed because of that anger! How can you explain that without sounding like a… a selfish ?” I ask, turning away trying to hide my face.

“Y/N”,” I hear Yixing say, as I hear him stand. He takes a few steps to me, the room echoing with his footfalls.

“No, wait,” I demanded, still not looking at him. “But then, I find out she was gone because of you guys. She was with you all the last eight months of her life more than she was with me, and when I found that out I almost wanted so, so badly to hate you guys, because it was like you all were stealing the only person I ever had but I just can’t.” I turn towards him once more, tears flowing from my eyes freely as I looked to the ground. “My hate for you all lasted about a few milliseconds, and I see why my mother helped you all, because it’s the reasons why I want to help you all now too.” I laugh bitterly, bringing my hands to my face. “And the real kicker is I found out that while I was angry at my mother like a spoiled brat, she was captured and tortured?! She was killed and in danger and she screamed my name?! To help her?”

He finally walks to me, completely ignoring my protests. He takes my shoulders and makes me turn to face him. His hands taking mine, holding them tightly. “Y/N, please.”

“I feel so guilty for feeling those things. I completely understand why she helped you all and if it had to happen all over I’ll take the lonely nights knowing she was there for you, Yixing.” I finally get the courage to look up at him, “I don’t know why, but when I first saw you, when you were bleeding and close to dying, I just felt this connection. I had to keep you alive, there was no other outcome.” I squeeze his hands, before taking mine away, staring at him with a hard gaze. “I just… I want to know why you ignored me? Why you would have kept ignoring me if I didn’t show up here?”

Yixing was still for a few moments, before a small smile cracks his lips. “After all that… after you poured your grief all out in front of me, you want me to ignore that and tell you why I was ignoring you?”

I nod, standing straight, looking up at him. He was so much taller than me I had to strain my neck. “Um… y-yes. That’s exactly what I want.”

“I felt guilty too,” He admitted with a sigh, he looked to the right, out a window. He walked a few steps away from me, his hand running through his hair. “You mother wouldn’t have been helping us if it wasn’t for me. She would have been in your life if not for me. She’d be alive if we never crossed paths.” He looked into my eyes, a look of pure pain on his face, “How am I supposed to live with that guilt? She died, she was taken from you, because of my stupid power.” He looked down at his hands, “And… you’re right, I would have kept my distance from you after today. Because you were attacked. I was suppose to keep you safe and I didn’t. Seeing you like that will haunt my nightmares, just like how your mother’s death does too. She would have hated me for getting you hurt.”

“Bull.”

His eyes snap over to mine, “What?”

“I said bull,” I say, a shiver running it’s way over my body from the chill of the room. “She was the most forgiving person ever and you know it. She’d be thanking you for saving my life, and berating me for being an idiot and getting too close to a dangerous man.”

He shakes his head, turning away from me. Throwing his hands into the hair, “But that doesn’t excuse the fact of what happened? How can I forgive myself-”

“Did it happen to you?”

He turns his head to me, looking at me over his shoulder, “Wh… what?”

“Did it happen to you? Were you the one who got your throat cut,” I question, putting my hands on my hips.

“No.”

“Then why the hell do you need forgiveness from yourself? It didn’t happen to you, it happened to me. You blaming yourself solves nothing and it does nothing, so get over that. But for the record, Yixing, I forgave you the moment it happened. I never even blamed you.” I walk forward, placing my hand on his shoulder. I feel the muscles underneath tense, “So, if the people who these things happened to forgive you, how can you even have the audacity to blame yourself?”

There were a few moments of silence. I wipe tears from my face, still crying from my previous confessions. I keep wiping my face with one hand as I let the one from his shoulder fall away. After a few moments of us not saying a word, I turn to face the door, taking a step towards it.

“‘How can you even have the audacity to blame yourself’, huh?” He finally says, making me stop in place, frozen. I try to keep myself together, hoping that he won’t be upset at me for saying that.

“Y/N… how about you take your own advice, too,” He says and I turn back to him, seeing that he turned to fully look at me. “Forgive yourself for being angry at your mother.”

“That’s different,” I say, shaking my head. “She’s gone, so she’s not here to forgive m-”

“But she would have,” He says, his voice a bit harder than before. He clinches his fist, “If she would have forgiven me, then you know for a fact she would have forgiven you. You have to forgive yourself too.” He quickly takes my hand, and though his body is tense and his voice harsh, his hand soft on mine. He pulls me over to the loft, climbing the stairs quickly, pulling me in tow. The floor up here had carpet over the entire concrete. There was a larger bed up here, one that looked like one that’s actually used as more than a seat.

The bed was facing the glass wall, facing west. That was pretty much all that was up here, as he let go of my hand, getting a box from under the bed.

“Super secure,” I say,a small smile on my face.

“Oh hush,” he says, opening it on the ground. A few things inside, a photo, some small bracelet, but before I could see anything else, he takes out a letter and opens it. “Um… it’s not much, but… it’s from your mother.” He folds part of it back, as if to keep that part private, and holds it out. I take it and he ushers me to take a seat. I sit down on the comfy mattress and blanket before turning my attention to the letter.

Yixing,

I know why you’re wondering why I wrote this for you to find if something happened, and why I wrote one specifically for you. It’s because I wanted to specifically tell you this. If anything happens to me, please, help my daughter. They will find out about her. For everything I’ve done for EXO, for YOU, just… please get to her before they do.

I’ve had to make many sacrifices to help you guys. One of them is time with my daughter. She thinks I can’t tell, but she’s so angry at me because I don’t see her a lot. A mother can always tell. I wish I could see her more, but helping you all and keeping you alive is so important, because you all are fighting for a morally good cause, one that I want to see achieved.

I forgive Y/N and her anger and I know she’ll understand if she ever met you why I can’t just let you die. I think you’d like her if you both ever met. I’m telling you this because, while I ask this of all of you guys, I especially ask this of you. Keep her safe. I trust you all, I do, more than I could ever explain. I know it’s selfish of me to ask you, but please. I know I have you all check in on her, and if they don’t catch on, just watch from afar until she’s needed. I’m not just asking you because of your power. I hope you know I’d never want to use you like that. I ask you to watch over her because of your heart. You’re a good person despite the deeds you’ve done. You’re kind, thoughtful, and understanding. You’re a lot like me, and she’ll need someone like you. She can sometimes be a bit abrasive, but most of the time it’s an act. Y/N acts tough because she’s actually really caring and soft.

Yixing, I care for you. I’ve spent more time with you than many other people and I want you to know I wouldn’t change a thing. Sure, it’s put a strain of my relationship with my daughter, but in time she will understand, so don’t blame yourself for that. EXO is a part of my family, and I know she’d feel the same.

Your sweet and caring nature has grounded me, and helped me far more than you will ever know. I can say with the utmost sincerity that I am a better person because I’ve known you, and that everyone who takes the time to get to know you feel the same. I am so very proud of you.

Sincerely, Nayeon

Tears were falling from my face as I folded the letter back up, deciding I’d let the part he wanted to be private to stay that way. After all, he was nice enough to show me this when he didn’t have to. I handed it to him as he drops it back into the box, closing it and sliding it under again. 

He sits next to me, his eyes full of understanding, “I pushed you away because I was scared,” He whispers. “Scared you’d change your mind and hate me because you’d think what happened to you mom was my fault. So, I pushed you away and tried not to get attached. Then, when what happened today happened… “ He shakes his head, “I know you said it’s not my fault, and I suppose I’d have to agree, but I still feel guilty.” He places a hand over mine, “So… I’ll work on forgiving myself if you work on forgiving yourself too. It’s only fair.” Yixing smiles at me, though his own pain that he’s held back and bottled up. He was showing me a vulnerable side to try to help me.

With those words, I completely breakdown and start to sob. I grab onto his arm, putting my face into it and cry. I don’t remember how long I cried, but he held me and he murmured things to me that I honestly can’t remember. I was a crying, runny nosed mess as I finally cried over the loss of my mother. My mouth rambled on as I shuddered and sobbed out words. I wasn’t thinking  about what to say or how to say it, my emotions taking full control. As my eyes started to finally shut after such a long day, I remember being wrapped in strong arms and feeling completely and utterly safe.

~

I opened my eyes, groaned and pulled the covers over me, and I tried to go back to sleep. After a few moments, memories come flooding back. Almost dying, pouring my heart out, reading the letter, crying… I blush as I quickly sit up, seeing that I was still in the clock tower. I stand, quickly rushing down the steps, looking for Yixing. He was laying on the single bed, sleeping, but already dressed in black jeans and a navy top. I sneak over to the door, trying to open it quietly.

“Going so soon?”

I gasp, jumping up, seeing the smirking face of Baekhyun on the other side of the door. I put my hand to my lips, “Sh!” I shove him back a little, and try to close the door as quietly as I could, but it was extremely creaky. I turn to him, still a bit asleep. “What are you doing?”

“Looking for you,” He sings playfully, before grinning at me and putting his hands in his pockets. “Jongin said this is where he last heard you were. But enough of that, what’s going on here?” Baekhyun smiles at me, waging an eyebrow at me in a suggestive manner as he looked between the door and me. He starts to descend from the stairs.

I feel my face heat up, “Baekhyun! Nothing like that!”

“Like what,” He asks in a innocent half talking half singing voice. “I’ve said nothing. It’s your mind that went there Y/N! Now come on, It’s noon! Hell, even Yixing was up and working before the sun rose!”

“Bull,” I said, rolling my eyes, “We talked. Mostly I talked, well, ranted. I didn’t even give him the chance to talk really, now that I think about it.” A shiver runs down my spine, having a breeze from from one of the few holes in the wall. “Then I… well…”

“I went looking for you last night,” He explains. “I came up here and when I opened the door, I heard you crying, so I left.” As we get to the last step and open the door to the rest of the building, he takes my hand in his, “Besides, Yixing is honestly an angel in human form, besides all the stuff we have to do. He’s one of the best people to talk to because you just feel safe around him because he’s so kind. That and he’d never would have taken advantage of your emotional state.” He looks at me with a smile, “Not even if you asked him to, which honestly, seeing the way you eye him, I wouldn’t have been shocked if you did ask him.”

“I didn’t ask that, just so you know. I have no idea what you’re talking about, I look at him normally. But about him being kind and nice, That’s true,” I agree. “I feel so bad that I just dumped all of that on him, though. You all have enough on your plates without my stupid -”

He stops, turning me to look me in the eyes. “Y/N, mouring your mom isn’t stupid . If anything we all understand. Your mother isn’t the one one we’ve lost.”

I glance at him, seeing his eyes get glassy, his hands on my shoulders tighten. He shakes his head, wiping his eyes with one hand, before taking my hand again as we continue to walk. “We…” He coughs, trying to keep his voice clear, “We lost three others. There use to be twelve of us. We… we don’t really talk about them anymore, because there are some people who were so close to them that they just can’t really deal with it. They were killed and the hardest part is the fact that none of us could do anything about it.” Baekhyun wipes his eyes again, “Sehun took it especially bad, because he was really close to two of them. One his best friend. Yixing was just completely shattered because it happened so quick there was nothing he could have done. He couldn’t heal them… hard to heal people who were taken out by being sniped in the head.”

“I’m so sorry,” I stammered. “I didn’t know… that must have been so hard to deal with.”

“It was a couple of years ago,” He says, stopping, “A little after you mom started to help us. We all loved her like family because she honestly was one of the only reasons why we got through it.” Baekhyun looks me in the eyes, full of determination. “You’re our family too, you know. You were before you knew us. Your mother made us all swear to her. All of us individually, that we’d take care of you if something happened. We were foolish to think that we could keep her safe as she lived her normal life and this one.” He smiles at me, hugging me, “But we will keep you safe, now, wash up. I, being the ever lovely and amazing person I am, already got clothes for you to change into. Thank me by brushing your teeth, your breath is awful! The rest of today is going to be exciting, just wait!”

Before I could say anything, he quickly walked off. As he turned the corner, I could see him reaching to his face and wipe tear after tear away.

I couldn’t tell how long I was in the shower for. I washed everything, then just sat down and cried some more. I missed my mom, I felt awful that I dumped my feelings onto Yixing, and I felt bad for all of them after learning that they lost three friends. I usually bottle my emotions up, and hold them in for a very long time, but after yesterday, I feel like my mind is so scattered and like I can’t focus on anything.

After I was finished, I looked at myself in the mirror and nodded. I somehow looked like someone who has their life together. I smiled at the necklace my mom gave me, reminding myself to thank Baekhyun for grabbing it. It felt nice having something that reminds me of her close to my heart. I opened the door, starting to walk down the hall as I started to braid my hair.

In a puff of smoke, Jongin appeared ahead of me, his face clear of any bruises or cuts, smiling at me. I jumped, “ing hell! Are you trying to give me a heart attack!”

He just grins, putting his hand on my arm, and suddenly, I’m somewhere else. Before I could ask him, he’s gone. I look around, taking in my surroundings. The ceiling was really close, about seven feet above me. I look over the edge, seeing the huge trampoline, and the figures of nine men standing below. Most of them standing or sitting about a foot from the trampoline, one sitting on it.

“What the ?”

“You swear so much,” Kyungsoo says, smiling, “What would your mother say?”

“She’d say ‘good job, try for more than one in the sentence though.’”

Minseok laughs, shaking his head, “Well, she did swear often!”

I look down at them, “But… why am I up here?”

“We all jumped from up there. Fourteen of us previously,” Junmyeon explains, “We decided early on that this would be like a initiation for anyone who joins us.”

I sigh at myself, feeling the warm feeling in my head.

“Told you today was exciting,” Baekhyun screams at me, dancing excitedly in one spot.

“We’ve all done it,” Sehun says, sitting on the edge of the trampoline. “Don’t chicken out!”

“Um,” I says, my heart racing, “But the view is just so lovely up here. I think I’d just stay here for a bit and reflect or meditate or pray or whatever.”

“I know,” Chen yells excitedly, “The view looks great because we’re all handsome! So imagine what it’ll look like down here!”

“Besides,” Chanyeol screams excitedly too, standing between Chen and Baekhyun, “Nayeon told us you’re an Atheist!”

“I’ve suddenly changed my mind about that,” I yell back, the sight of the height making me very nervous. “I’ve seen the light and I’m now saved. I’ll just stay here and meditate and do yoga or whatever they do when you’re a believer. Praise God and whatnot. It’ll take a while so you might want to go since you guys have important stuff to do anyways!”

Sehun starts to make chicken noises, making his arms into little wings. I take my shoe off, throwing it at him, “Stop!”

He dodges easily, smiling and laughing, clapping his hands together like a seal.

I look at the trampoline before turning away, I put my hands in my damp hair, running my fingers through it and ruining what would have been a braid. “What if I miss? What if something happens? What if the trampoline rips when I land on it?!”

“Y/N!”

I freeze, peaking over the edge of the tower and look at Yixing. He was smiling, his arms crossed as he stood by the trampoline. He was completely calm and happy, giving me a warm smile. “Um… yes?”

He hold his hands out, “We wouldn’t make you do this if we thought it would hurt you. Just just have to jump right and you’ll be fine, I promise!”

Baekhyun nods, “Just like you’re a stunt double! Your body parallel to the trampoline!”

I take a deep breath, “If I get hurt, you all owe me a favor!”

I turn my back towards them as I hear them agree to my silly, childish terms. I take a deep breath, “This is ing stupid and I’m such an idiot people get hurt from this kind of .” I mutter things to myself as I lean back, letting myself fall over the edge. My heart was racing as the air flew past me as I fell. As quickly as I started to fall, I land on the trampoline, screaming as I was sent back up into the air. I flail a bit, turning a bit to the side as I fell, my wrist hurting as I landed on it.

Finally I stopped, and I was lying there on the trampoline I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. I feel some movement on the trampoline as I try to put myself together. The adrenaline still pumping through me as I hear people cheering. I open my eyes, looking up and seeing Sehun grinning at me, holding his hand out to me.

I put my hand forward, letting him pull me up. I yelp, pulling my wrist back to myself after being helped up. Sehun looks at me with wide eyes as I hiss at the pain, walking to the edge and jumping off the trampoline. My legs felt like jelly as I stumble forward. Chanyeol catches me, screaming excitedly as he pulls he in for a hug, jumping up and down as he held me. He lets go of me and they all look at me with smiles on their faces.

“So,” I say, trying to keep calm. I hold my wrist out, “You all agreed, so you all owe me a favor now.”

Sehun lands next to me, an arm on my shoulder, “Yixing hyung! Y/N needs you!”

Baekhyun looks at me again, mouthing words to me as Yixing walks over. Baekhyun puts his hands on his cheek, pretending to be a lovesick teen. He smiles, mouthing ‘Oh, Yixing oppa, you’re so handsome, please come heal my wrist! Kiss it better!’

‘ off’, I mouth back at him, making him burst out in giggles, making Chen and Chanyeol confused at what was going on between us. I look at see Yixing there with a smile, reaches over and with his finger, gently pokes my nose. I feel the cooling feeling through my body and the pain in my wrist fades away. I smile, looking away from him and all of them. “You don’t use this as an initiation,” I say in a matter-of-factly voice.

“How,” Chen asks, looking confused.

Sehun sighs, “You’re all idiots. She’s literally a human lie detector. Well, Inhuman lie detector.”

“But you jumped anyways,” Kyungsoo says, looking surprised, “Why?”

“I’m not an idiot,” I state, looking down at my shoes. “I know you all must know about how I sort of broke down in tears last night. This was just a way to take my mind of things, help me conquer some fear, and have some fun.”

“Did it work,” Junmyeon asks, worried that I was mad.

“Honestly,” I say, smiling at him, “I was actually legitimately scared, so, yes, it did!”

“Well, sorry you got hurt,” Minseok says, “And to be fair to Junmyeon, all of us have done it. We just don’t make people do it. If you would have kept saying no, we would have stopped.”

“I just never done anything like that before,” I say, “And once is enough for the time being. But thanks. Now, about those favors!”

“Nope,” Sehun says, walking towards the door, “I got Yixing to come over and heal your wrist, I no longer owe you anything!”

I shake my head, “You’re such a sassy little baby.”

“I’m THE sassy baby of the group,” He says, turning and grinning as he walks backwards, “Not so much little, though. That’s you, since most of us are over half a foot taller than you.”

“Brat,” I mutter, before looking back at Jongin. Rolling my eyes, I look at all of them. I smirk, looking at Jongin, “Um… You know what would be good right now?”

He sighs, “You’re using that favor, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I say, “And pizza would be great if that’s possible.”

“We wear masks all other times when we’re out,” He says, “So I can get pizza. What kind?”

“Don’t know what you all like but I want just cheese.”

“Boring,” Chen says, “At least pepperoni!”

Thirty minutes later, we were in the dining room, ten pizzas in front of us, one just cheese and the rest with other toppings. Everyone laughing as they told me embarrassing stories about one another. If you would have asked me last night if I thought I would have been here, laughing over pizza, I would have said no. Granted, while I still feel awful, I welcomed the distraction they gave me. Junmyeon and Minseok were kind, doting on me and making sure I was fine. Sehun and Baekhyun picking on me, because apparently Baek let Sehun in on his new favourite way to pick on me. Chen and Chanyeol telling stories about everyone, making us all laugh at a certain member’s expense. Jongin would help Chen and Chanyeol, but often was just laughing. Kyungsoo was quiet, but watching over everyone as we all enjoyed each other’s company. Yixing sat across from me, smiling and laughing at the other members of this makeshift family. He’s often stop to smile at me, nodding as asking if I was ok. I’d nod back, losing myself to the happiness.

I left them all, going to my room as Sehun and Baekhyun both walked along with me, making fun of me the entire way.

“‘He’s so dreamy Sehun, and so handsome I can’t deal with it!’” Baekhyun mocks, his voice a couple of pitches higher.

“‘Yixing oppa, I got a papercut! Come fix it please,’” Sehun says, trying to get his voice higher but it was still pretty low.

Baekhyun touches his nose with a delicate touch, smiling, “There!”

“‘Oh thank you, it feels so much better now!’”

“It feels weird being in the middle of you both acting out your own fantasies,” I say, trying to hide the blush that was on my face as we get to my door.

Baekhyun scoffs, crossing his arms, “More like YOUR fantasies!”

Sehun laughs, “No, I’m sure hers sound quite a bit different. Full of an-”

“Nope” I yell, opening my door. “Goodnight, s!”

“See Hyung,” Sehun says as they both keep walking down the hall, “She wants to hurry and sleep so she can enter her fantasies in her dreams.”

Baekhyun begins to mimic some high pitched as I slam the door shut, my face completely red and burning. I lean against my door, trying to calm down and stop blushing. After a few moments, I walk to the bed, seeing a picture and a note on it. I look at the picture and see it was of all thirteen men and my mother. I see the three other members for the first time, wonder what they are like. I set that on the bedside table, propped up on the lamp before turning to the note. I smile, the blush coming back as I read the words. I place that next to the picture, also propping it on the lamb so that I saw them first thing when I woke up. I change into pajamas, getting into bed and smile, remembering the words on the paper.

‘I’ll try to forgive myself if you do the same.’