"Eunae, one of them said,Eunmi... Hi..."

 

Eunmi got up, she put a hand on her heart, looking at Mrs Han, and then at the guys.

 

"Eunmi, Jimin suddenly said stepping out of the crowd. Eunmi... ?"

 

She was confused, afraid, angry, happy. All the emotions mixing on her face, as they probably did on mine. I watched him get close to her and slowly take her hands in his, I couldn’t ask her if it felt real, could she please tell me.

I guess it felt real enough for her, because without any warning she slaped him across the face. The sound of the slap made us all jump a little. Only Jimin didn’t react. He kept looking at her.

She took her remaining hand out of his.

Her angry eyes got on Mrs Han, and for a minute I thought she was going to slap her too. But she didn’t, she got out of the room without a word.

I could feel them looking at me, wondering if I was going to hit them too.

 

"This must be overwhelming, Mrs Han said, Jungkook, why don’t you stay here with her and tell her what happened that day. I’m going after Eunmi."

 

Mrs Han left and I stood there, looking at seven people I thought were dead for months. I had torture myself all this time, I had had to be stronger than ever, just to see it was some kind of a joke ?

 

"Hum, guys, Jungkook said, maybe like Mrs Han said I should... talk to Eunae. Alone.

• Right, Hoseok said, we’ll be around...

• Yeah, don’t slap him...

• She’s so skinny, Taehyung whispered."

 

They kept whispering as they all left the room, I felt relieved, and a bit panicked, what if they weren’t ever coming back ?

Jungkook stayed, he was still next to the door, a few steps away from me, looking awkward.

 

"I was sure you would never... have sold us out, Jungkook said. I always believed in you but... The orders are what they are and... we had no way of reaching out. And then when they agreed you two were innocent... well there is no good way to tell someone you’re not dead is there ?

• How.. How long have you known ?

• That you had nothing to do with the fire ?

• Yes.

• A month ? But then, Mrs Han told us you came asking for work and she thought it was weird to suddenly ask for more jobs when you were mourning and they suspected you again,and then there was no time to reach you, and you had gotten so mad about the soldier thing.. They just postpone it and.... Well we heard you had been hurt during the march and then about the bombs...

• Yes.

• Are you hurt? Shouldn’t you be sitting.. ?

• How did you escaped ?

• What ?

• From the fire ?

• Jin went out to find help. The old lady that used to take care of us was already outside, she helped us hide in an old street, and then they send someone to pick us up. We stayed appart in different shelters for a few weeks, that’s why they didn’t send you to other shelters, they were scared you might ran into us.

• I see. Did you got hurt ?

• No, Namjoon got a bit burned, he was the last to get out, I did went in a fight with a guy at the shelter though.

• I thought you were dead, I suddenly said.

• I know I... It must have been hard..

• Hard ? I felt angry too all of a sudden, you think it was hard ?! No, what’s hard is to run from shelter to shelter, trying not to get caught every night of the week, hard is working more than twenty four hours in a row at the hospital without eating or sleeping. But trying to get over your deaths, feeling responsible for them every day for three months, that’s ing impossible !!

• I... I’m sorry I wish I could...

• Don’t wish anything ! It’s too late ! I put a hand on my chest since it was hurting from the emotions, I COULDN’T SLEEP ! I COULDN’T EAT ! I COULDN’T EVEN THINK ! Because, I washed away a tear with my hand, because every time I would see your face and think, he won’t ever get to eat anything, do anything, he’ll never see the sun again, he won’t see his family one more time. I kept thinking about all of you ! All the things you’d never do, never sing again, never run again.. AND I BLAMED MYSELF FOR IT ! I … I cringed a bit trying to keep my whinning for me, I... I was dead inside, and do you know how many times I thought..Maybe I should die too ?

• No... Eunae, please, let me apologize again...

• Apologize ?! Don’t even try, what you did to us... You all, and the force... Is the worst thing someone can do. D’you know what kept me alive ? Why I kept enduring it ?

• Eunae...

• Not Eunmi, not the love of life, but because I thought I didn’t deserved a quick get away, because I thought I had to keep feeling this pain for the rest of my life. You’re sorry ? Don’t even try to apologize for what you did to me. To us. Don’t misunderstand, I’m happy all of you are alive, but I don’t want to see any of your faces right now, because right now I can’t feel happy, I only want to hit you, you are lucky I don’t beat the hell out of you ! Don’t even try to talk to me because you deserve to feel like for a bit, feel what I have endured for months !"

 

I was out of breath, but it felt good to have it off my chest. I went back to the room where I have woken up and I kept crying, but out loud this time, and I didn’t cared if anyone heard me.

 

Eunmi

 

I didn’t get very far after the storming out, this shelter was pretty big, I had got into a hallway that apparently led to an other appartement under ground. So I sat in the dark, my back against the wall, and tears flowing down my cheeks.

 

"Eunmi ?"

 

Mrs Han was there, looking at me, with a sad look in her eyes. , I thought, you’re lucky I didn’t gave you an extra reason to cry.

 

"Eunmi you shouldn’t stay here, it’s cold, dark, and you shouldn’t be alone right now.

• Why ? You left us alone for months, I sobbed, no one cared how much pain we were in. You thought we had sold them out didn’t you ?

• Yes... That is what the force thought, and I am sorry about that.

• Liar, I sniffed, did you found who did it ?

• We did.

• Can you tell me ?

• Well...

• Doesn’t matter, I sighed, all this time, we had to... endure it, alone, and you kept thinking we did it.

• I know you’ve been hurting a lot...

• A lot ?!"

 

I reached for the pills in my pocket, I couldn’t shake like this when I was about to scream out all of my frustrations. I took two pills and swallowed them as easily as sweets.

 

"We’ve been hurting like crazy. We.. We were dying, and you did nothing, not even once did it occured to you that... we might deserve a little bit of peace ? A word ?

• We’ve been busy.

• Well that changes everything !

• Eunmi.. I feel for you, and I did during all this time, I am sorry, but we had to do this. Please, accept my apologies, in the name of the force.

• I don’t want to. "

 

I got up and walked passed her to go back to the living room, I wasn’t done with the guys yet.

It took me a while to find the right door, but when I got to the living room I saw the little crowd I used to see everytime I went to the basement. They were talking to each others in low voices.

 

"Eunmi, Namjoon said spotting me, you came back."

 

They all turned around, and my heart started to hurt a bit again. I didn’t wanted to cry in front of them ! I wanted them to feel as bad as I did, not to pity me !

 

"You... All of you...

• We’re all sorry, Hoseok said, we know it’s been... hard... tough, he said after looking at Jungkook, are you... ok ?

• Please say something, Jin said."

 

But what could I possibly say, what would hurt them enough ?

 

"I’m tired, where’s Eunae ?"

 

They showed me the room, I left without a word, maybe sometimes, silence was the best solution of all.

 

"I told you I didn’t wanted to see any of you !!

• It’s me, I said, can I stay with you ?

• Oh... Yes, sure."

 

I sat next to her, she had been crying for a while, I had never seen her face this red.

 

"I can’t... believe it.

• That they were alive all this time ?

• Yes, I lyed down, I spend so much time, thinking about how they died, about everything...

• It’s a relieve isn’t it ?? "

 

I could feel it was more of a question than an affirmation.

 

"I guess but.. right now I’m just... so angry, so sad, so … it hurts you know, I hit my chest, it hurts so much to feel all these things...

• Me too. I just want to sleep and wake up and feel only happy and... Erase all the pain.

• You know what the worst thing is ?

• Fear ?

• Yes....

• You too ? You’re scared that this isn’t the end right ?

• I feel, terrified... Because I know how it feels now, to loose someone, and I’m scared it will happen again. Next time won’t be like this... It will be real... And the feeling of loss... It will stay for ever..."

 

Eunae didn’t answered, she was crying again, in silence, so I let her be, and I tried to sleep.