Jungkook

 

A few people were already here, a little bit of music, everything was pretty nice, Doctor Lee was talking with some military guy, and Mrs Kim and Mrs Han were sending people in. I was helping to make a pile of coats.

 

"Could you take that please ?

• Sure I’ll put it right..."

 

For a minute a stopped moving.

 

"Relax, she said, it’s me, Eunmi, Eunae’s wearing a red dress.

• Oh.. Sorry I... I was surprised so...

• No offense, she smiled, so I’ll leave the coats here.

• Right."

 

I looked at her walking away, joining Eunae, how could I have got confused ? Eunae was so different, so much prettier and... god why was she just this hot ?

I felt my heart aching a bit, specially when I saw them talking to some tall dude I didn’t knew.

 

"Oh, they came, Yoongi said, you must be happy. Ouh.. Who’s the dude ?

• I don’t know !

• Well he’s hot.

• Shut up."

 

I sighed and let people take care of their coats themselves. I had to talk to her, even though I didn’t knew what to say.

 

"Jungkook !"

 

Yuri grabbed my hand and smiled.

 

"There is plenty of people did you saw ?

• Well..

• Let’s dance, oh please I love this song !"

 

I nod seeing that Eunae was going to dance with the tall guy anyway. I put my hand on Yuri’s waist and tried to smile, and make us dance closer to them.

Eunmi was dancing too, with some older guy, probably a scientist I didn’t knew.

 

Eunae

 

I sat down after a while of dancing with Officer Im, Eunmi was right he was cute !

I finally got the chance to drink a bit and I smiled watching all the people having fun in this small room.

 

"May I join for a drink ?"

 

I looked up and smiled seeing Taehyung a drink in his hand and a big smile on his face.

 

"Yeah.. Sure sit. I’m alone."

 

He looked relieved, and he sat next to me to watch people dancing.

 

"It’s a nice party, I said, you must be enjoying the crowd.

• I truly am, he said, I think we all are."

 

I looked at Jungkook and Yuri, yeah, I guess they all were.

 

"So, how’s work ? He asked, not tired of all the blood yet ?

• You know I’m getting used to it. It feels right.

• Heard you were also helping out with the kids at the force.

• Yes, I like having kids around, so why not ? I take care of them... Sometimes they remind me of you guys..

• They do ?

• Hmm, I sighed, in a weird way.

• You wanna have kids when you’re older ?

• Depends on the war, if it ends.. I guess, maybe but.. I don’t... I can’t think about this stuff yet. You ?

• I don’t know, finding the right partner seems so complicated when I look at the people around me.

• Jungkook seems happy though.

• You seem happy too, but are you ?"

 

I looked away awkwardly, maybe he was right. It was all just a mask.

 

"Would you like to dance ?"

 

I nod, I had let go of my anger now, but the pain was still right here in my heart.

 

"So, how are you ? He asked, how do you really feel ?

• I don’t know... I’m not angry anymore.

• That’s good... What about your health ? You look better.

• I do but... Sometimes I just can’t sleep, it’s like I got used to not sleeping, I keep myself busy, and I go home exhausted from work and I still can’t sleep.

• Seeing anybody ? To keep you busy.

• Na... I... I don’t feel like I should.

• Why ?

• It’s just a feeling. I can’t.... do it. Date.

• You can’t sleep, you can’t date, are you sure you’re alright ?

• I don’t know, I whispered looking at Jungkook, it feels like I’ve been broken when you guys... sort of died. And now... I should be alright because you guys are but... I still feel broken.

• Could it be because you don’t want to heal ?

• What ? I asked.

• Sometimes people keep punishing themselves. When really they have done nothing wrong. They just keep on, because that’s the way they used to feel. Maybe you just don’t let yourself be happy.

• Happy ?

• Can you picture yourself happy ? Right now ? Or is there something... Someone,missing ?"

 

 

Jimin

 

Why was she dancing with the science departement ? Why couldn’t she just for one music stop and leave me the time to go and ask her ?

I grabbed a drink with a sigh.

 

"Hey, a man’s voice said, you don’t look very christmasy.

• Well I.."

 

I turned around, only to find out the person taking a drink next to me was one of the officers, it had to be officer Im.

 

"I’m fine, it’s just, a girl, I said, what about you ? You’re a police member right ? Why aren’t you dancing ?

• Oh well, I did, I’m just hoping for this girl’s dance and... Well she happens to just never be available, whenever she is and I go to her she just rushes into some old dude’s arms.

• Oh.... Is she like... your date ?

• No, he sighed, I wish she was, I met her a few weeks ago, we had a great night but she never met me again.

• She didn’t ?

• No, it’s like she’s been avoiding me since.

• She has ?

• Yeah... Oh, I’m officer Im, by the way, he smiled, what about you ?

• Oh, I’m just here to... Gather some courage with alcohol.

• Good luck then.

• Yeah. Thanks... Let’s both hope for a Christmas miracle."

 

I finished my drink and crossed the dancefloor, I had to do it, I had to be brave, before I knew it I had a dance partner. Suhee.

She was really beautiful that night, with her hair up, her high clivage dress, and her sparkling eyes begging me.

 

"So, she smiled, you look good in a suit.

• Thanks... You look good too.

• I’m happy you think so, she giggled, don’t you think the clivage is too much ?

• It’s fine.

• Jimin...

• Yes ?

• You know why I’m dancing with you.

• Because you really like dancing and I’m the best dancer in this place ? I smiled.

• Well.... Part of that, but mostly because..I want to be dancing with you more than this night. I want to dance with you every night, I want to be with you again, like before...

• Like before isn’t going to happen, I stopped dancing, you know I was only there for the , you can’t be asking that from me, if you were you’d had no respect for yourself. What is it that you want ?

• Love, she whispered emotionnally.

• What’s love to you ? What kind of love do you think I can give ?

• I want you to love me, isn’t it clear ? I want you to stare at me when I enter the room and think I am the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen, I want you to believe you’re lucky to have me, I want you to worry whenever something happens, to go crazy when we’re appart, to miss me even when it’s only been an hour... I want you to feel incomplete without me, broken like I am. I want you to miss me in bed and think of me... She bite her lip, that is love, do you feel that way about me ? Didn’t you miss me when we were appart ? Did you thought about doing crazy  ? Weren’t you a little broken ? I know you’ve seen this soldier, only someone suicidal would do that. If you’re doing it because of me, you can stop now, I’m all yours."

 

I had felt all those things, I felt incomplete and broken every day, I felt like a part of my life was missing. I took Suhee’s hands in mine and shaked my head.

 

"I’m sorry, I can’t give you that."

 

I let go of her and looked for Eunmi, this dance was almost over and I felt like Christmas spirit was with me.

I went straight to her and as soon as the music ended I took her hand in mine.

 

"May I ?"

 

She looked surprised, but she let me drive her away from her partner and put a hand on my shoulder, in silence, we started to move. Suddenly all the words I had prepared had fly away, and I felt a bit numb. Suddenly I heard her sigh.

 

"I’m sorry for slapping you, she said, on our first... meet, last time.

• Oh... I deserved it.

• I think so too, but still, sorry. I should have yelled at you instead.

• You can yell at me now, I said with a gasp, I won’t mind. I might even need it.

• It’s fine now, she smiled a bit and my heart raced up, I’m not angry anymore, not like then anyway. I know you couldn’t have changed anything.

• But I should have changed some things.

• It’s all the past now Jimin.

• Is it ? I held her hand tighter, because... I can’t let go of our past. I won’t.

• Jimin..."

 

The look in her eyes was sad, and I felt all my courage go down, I hold her body closer to mine.

"Let’s just dance."

 

She put her head on my shoulder, I could feel her head against my cheek, and I breathed in her sent. We stayed like this for a dance or two, maybe three I can’t say, and when she let go of me, it really felt like a farewell.

She danced with Officer Im after that, and he too, looked a bit depressed when they ended the dance. The crowd hid her from me.

 

Eunmi

 

I wiped out of few tears from my cheeks, in the end, I really was still broken.

And there was nowhere to hide, I could only face the wall and pretend to be drinking or fixing my makeup, damn it.

I felt like I was shaking again, and I also felt a bit sick, oh god, I forced my self to breath in and out, I couldn’t have an anxiety attack now, my pills were in my coat, and at the coat station there would be people and …

I gasped for air and closed my eyes, what was I supposed to do ? I had to keep it in...

 

"Hey."

 

Someone turned me around, god, this was the end of me. But at my surprise, I felt someone wrapping their arms around me, and slowly caressing my hair.

 

"Here, breath, no one can see.

• Na...Namjoon ?

• Breath."

 

I grabbed him and put my head against his chest, breathing in with a bit of sobbing, his perfume was nice, and slowly, the anxiety went away.

 

"Thank you...

• I had anxiety before getting on stage too. I know how it feels, he smiled down at me, how do you feel ?

• No more anxiety but I’m back to pain and loneliness.

• I saw you danced with Jimin.

• I did.

• He looked in pain, did you walked on his feet or something ? "

 

I giggled and shaked my head.

 

"Then what ?

• We just danced.

• Just ?

• It felt... Nice, to have him just for me, and all my memories came rushing in my head but...

• Do you not love him anymore ? Namjoon slowly wiped away a tear, do you have any feelings left for him ?

• The past month I was mostly angry at him,and before that the only thought of him put me in pain, so now I’m kinda scared thinking of him only brings me bad feelings.

• I know we hurt you, I never got the chance to apologize, you never gave us that chance, nor you nor Eunae. It’s not just about you. We’ve been hurting too.

• Really ? I looked in Haneul’s direction.

• That’s an other story, he smiled, honestly we were crushed, they took us away and they told us you may or may not have sold us out. It was hard to believe but at that moment it was hard to imagine anything else. So, we’ve been angry too, for a long time we tried to understand why you would have done that. Jimin too, he felt like you had played him, like everything between you two was a joke.

• But we didn’t do it, and they told you. What did you feel at that moment ? Knowing we hadn’t done anything but had been cut out from the force, that we were on our own, outside, in a country at war, thinking our friends were dead, and still having to go to the hospital and see more people die.

• It felt wrong Eunmi,everything that happened that past months was wrong, but now it’s time to make the right decisions, for all of us. He sighed, it’s time to breath, you don’t have to be anxious anymore. We’re alive. We’re fine. You’re fine.

• It’s war Namjoon, nobody’s fine."

 

I pushed him away and went to get my coat, I couldn’t stay and keep pretending this was a good idea. I shouldn’t have come.

Eunae

 

I took Eunmi’s arm, I was glad she asked me to go home, I didn’t wanted to be the one to ask, but this had been too much for one night. My conversation with Taehyung had kept me thinking all night, to the point I only had stayed at the drinking station and been avoiding Jungkook everytime he would get closer.

 

"Eunae ?"

 

We were walking down the hallway and I could recognize his voice perfectly.

 

"Do you want me to leave you two ? Eunmi asked.

• Hell no. I’ve been drinking, and thinking, I can’t deal with him face to face right now.

• But...

• Let’s run !"

 

I pushed her in front of me to escape Jungkook who was still calling for us and I sighed stopping near the entrance.

 

"What do I do ? Eunmi ?

• What do you want to say to him ?

• To leave me alone ! I can’t... I can’t love him ! It’s too damn hard ! It hurts too much... You know that right ? But I can’t hurt him again, I left him in this exact place a month ago and... God Eunmi... Why do I want to cry ? Why does it hurt ? Why...

• Shh..."

 

She held me and then took off her coat.

 

"What are you doing ? I asked.

-Give me your coat and your shoes."

 

 

She let her hair down and covered them with my coat, covering her dress in the process and she put on my high red heels.

 

"What are you going to do ?

• Break his heart for you."

 

I put on her clothes and watched them from the far.

 

"Eunae, Jungkook said, I... I’m sorry. I know last time you said you were too scared of loosing me and..You’re right, I can’t promise you a bomb won’t fall on this place and kill me, but it’s the same for you, you can’t promise you won’t get killed in the bombings... I’m willing to take that risk,with you, because I won’t let anyone but you break my heart, and because if this... If this war comes to an end, I will still want to be with you. I …

• Stop, Eunmi said looking a bit sad, she even stood like me, crossing her arms, you don’t need to keep trying, Jungkook... I am truly sorry, but I just can’t accept your love.

• Think of it... I thought of it too, I thought about what you said, but I love you so much I...

• I don’t love you anymore.

• What ?

• I’m sorry, I don’t, so you need to stop hoping for something that is never going to happen. I have to go now."

 

She turned around and she joined me, we left the building and I bite my lip.

 

"You could have been easier on him.

• There’s no easy way to break a heart.

• I know...

• You ok ?

• Not really."

 

She put an arm around me and we walked home together.

 

*