if you were me what would you have done !

my legs didn't obey me and they kept walking in roads i didn't know and my heart kept cursing at my faith and destiny for this life and for everything .

after hours of crying and blaming every single molecule of my existing and wishing to end it all at that moment , i come  to realize that there is nothing i can do , the pain will be always there and what happened it's already done and i can do nothing to change it , so now i have two  solution the first is to accept the reality  and believe in what that evil women told me and leave everything behind me and go , the second one was to go back there and find out the truth myself , and i chose the later because one thing i have learned in this misery  is to take my life in my hands and and deal with it so i can have no regrets later .

when i checked my phone it was already 11 pm and 56 missed call from donghae , he must be going crazy now because he couldn't reach me , i am sorry donghae i had to, i needed to clear my thoughts .it's a huge weigh and i had to carry it all alone .

i opened my door and get in barely moving my lgs , destroyed and out of any desire to live yet i did come back .my phone was buzzing i picked the phone to see Donghae's name 

"hell-"

"where the  were you" he screamed the second i picked up

"i - i am at my apertment now"

"stay where the  are you i am coming" and he hanged up on me. i was too exhausted to think about it .

after like 5 minet my door bel ringed , now way that could be him , i just spoke with him like few minutes ago, its true his house  is not that  far from mine  yet no way he could be here that soon ,unless he flew here !!

the second i opened the door he hugged me so hard almost choking me 

" i almost gone crazy when you didn't pick up the phone , don't do it again baby " 

he barely could catch his breath and his hands were cold ,

" what happened where were you ? why didn't answer my calls ?" 

he asked me and he was holding my face in both his hands and a worried look in his eyes , his eyes were almost shaking in fear .

our eyes met and i just stared at him wishing he can feel the pain in my heart and understand all i was going through at that moment , i wished he can know it all without me saying a word  i wished 

i moved his hands and walked away without saying anything , he stood there confused ,

" y/n what is ? just talk to me ok !"

i walked to my room not paying any attention to him, he followed me there and grabbed my forearm and turned me to face him , i raised my eyes tiredly to him seeing fear and puzzlement in his .

" y/n you better tell me now what's wrong or i will start losing my patience really soon"

sight " i had a little meeting with your cousin"  

his eyes winded and and he grabbed my other arm really firmly

" y/n are ok? did she do anything to you ?  TELL ME DID SHE HURT YOU ?" 

" relax i am ok she didn't do anything i am ok !!"

"no way that crazy didnt do anything , i know better , then she must've  said something !! what did that little snack tell me !! please y/n whatever she said don't believe her she is crazy , i am sure you met her and you know by now how she is "

she did tell everything 

" no she didn't say anything "

" y/n you need to tell me baby !! that crazy women is just insane and i know her she would do anything just to hurt me !"

" oh are you sure because she seemed more like in love with you Lee Donghae" i said sarcastecly

"no y/n she doesnt love me she is insane, obsessed and dangerous you have no idea what she is capabele of "

i closed my eyes and took a deep breath 

" she told me about  suhyun " 

suddenly his face changed color, he became pale and let go of both of my arms , his eyes stated filling with tears 

" y/n listen to me i don't know what she told you exactly but it  is a lie "

"then you tell me ! i want to hear everything from you "

he inhaled hard and took my hand and sited me on the bed him beside

" i was in my last year in college , i was arrogant cocky and a cold hearted person , i was always alone and i had just few friends , people feared me i am not sure if it was because my intense image or because my states .anyway , at that year i met suhyun and she was completely different she was kind and compassionate  , she was the only person who talked with me and acted norml around me , she was lively funny talkative and really smart , she was even taking some advanced courses with me "

true she was kind and smart 

" suhyun was like a fresh breath of air in hot summer night , she saved me from the darkness i was living in , she loved me just the way i was , and loved her even more"

Donghae started crying and every drop of tears from his eyes left a scar on my weak heart . what he was telly was completely different from what his poissenes cousin told me , he is telling me  that he was in love with my sister and i couldn't be in more shock .

flash  back

" hello y/n "

"hii suhyun , ya i really missed and i am mad at you why don't you call often "

"i am sorry y/n you know college and stuff i barely have time to breath , but listen i called to tell you something really exciting "

" tell me tell me what is it ? do you have a boyfriend ?"

" oh my god how did you know !"

" ohh i can't believe you already got one , congrats sis !! you're not that geeky after all " *laughs*

"yaaa !! that's how you talk with your big sister !! anyway he is not my boyfriend officially yet but i am so in love with him and he love me so much too"

" you make it official soon and bring that stupid boyfriend of yours here to see us " *laughs *

end of flashback 

it is true suhyun was in love but i had never the chance to see him and she never told  me his name at that time. now i regret it alot i wished if she showed me his picture or at least told me his name , but what happened had  happened . 

lee donghae stopped for few moment trying to recollect his self from all the tears , then he said

" one day she just left me , she had a car accident and died y/n , she died and i didnt even had the chance to tell her how much i loved her and how much she meant to me , i was destroyed and i lost all of my desire of living , i was shattered after she passed away , so i left the country i didn't even finish college even though i was in my last year , i just left everything behind me and went way .i stayed in london for 5 years , but when i came back i was a whole new person , i became that cold obnoxious  and evil person you came to know when you first joined our company"

donghae was talking slowly and his head was down between his hands , but the he lifted his head and his eyes met mine , they were filled with tears and pain , that pain that noway it came faked , i could feel  his despair and agony .

" when i came back i pretended to be this strong and solid man  but deep down i was dying every single second without her , the guilt was eating me because i wasn't there for her when she needed me, i was  useless , and i couldn't find myself , i couldn't recognise myself anymore "

" that's why i  freaked out today when you didn't pick up my calls , i was dying "

another tear rolled down his cheek , i reached my hand to his cheek and wiped it way 

" did you loved her that much ?"

" yes i did , i own her everything , she gave me the world but i did nothing for her "

i couldn't ask him if he still love her , because he clearly still does , and i was in love with him as much as he loved her my sister .

is he telling the truth , is he lying , then why she told me that he was the one who killed her ! why did she lie to me , but she wasn't lying  she showed her evidence !! but why he didn't say anything about suhyun being his cousin !! 

my head was exploding with so many thought  and so many controversies , no one of them made sense , it seem like a puzzle that misses a lot of pieces !! 

and i have to find those missing pieces .

i took Donghae in my embrace trying to calm down  him from his sobs , and i knew at that moment that i have to fight for what i want if i really believe in him . 

" please stay with me tonight i need you" 

i patted his hair and nodded my head . 

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