I want you back by minagish
Neverland Review Pick-Ups
Reviewer notes;
Because the sequel is in a different story, the foreword, description, etc changes so I'll only be reviewing I want you back. I'll review the sequel as well if you want to, just fill in the review form. C:
Title of the Story [2/5 points]
When I first hear the title, I sort of expect it to be a Secret fanfic because of their debut song is titled, I want you back. The title immediately tells me the plot, person A dated person B. For some reason, person B dumps person A and person A is all nonchalant and cool but in the inside she wants person B back. And that is not a good thing. The title relates too much to the story that it tells the whole plot, it's also very cliché. - 3 points
Poster and Background [5/5 points]
No poster but a picture displayed. But I give it full marks because it has hot L on it! That was off-topic, yes. The displayed picture fit the genre of the story as I think it's mainly about break ups, angst, sadness, etc. The background, however, did not match the genre of the story. Lately is a happy song, so using promotion photos for other songs such as Be mine, Before the dawn or paradise would've been a better idea. But because Infinite is so adorable, they get full marks.
Foreword [7/10 points]
The foreword was used appropriately. However, you need to edit it. Completely.
Wrong; Han JI Eun, Myung Soo's ex-girlfriend. She, knowing that Myung Soo has gotten over her and found a new girlfriend, still can't forget her feelings for him. She wants him back, but will she get a happily ever after ending or just another heartbreak...
Correct; Han Ji Eun is Myungsoo's ex-girlfriend. Even though she knows that Myungsoo has gotten over her and has found a new girlfriend (Lover seems more appropriate, though), she still can't forget her feelings for him. Now, she wants him back. Will the happy ending she wanted or get heartbroken all over again?
Some of the parts aren't grammartically wrong, but I switched with other words to make it seem more attractive. I deleted the spaces between Myung and Soo because I dislike seeing them apart. Myung soo is correct, but if we were to follow his name the in Korean spelling, it would be Myeong Su. -3 points
Description [9/10 points]
A short, simple author note. Good job there. Always remember to keep it short and simple, it will always look neat. There was one thing that I didn't like, though. The picture. The link is valid, but I don't know what you did ._. Re-create the text>Right-click on mouse> Copy image URL> Paste at the Image option in AFF. Same goes for the image in the description as well. -1 point
Originality [3/10 points]
I didn't find this original. I've seen many one-shots like these on AFF. -7 points
Plot, How your story goes [10/25 points]
Just recently, I've reviewed a one-shot with the same plot as yours. And no, I don't like the plot, especially the way Seohyun tries to make Myungsoo go back to Ji Eun. -15 points
Spelling, Grammar, Vocabulary [7/15]
Your have stated that English is your first language which means I won't go easy on those small, silly mistakes. Don't worry, I'm no grammar nazi, I just get irked.
Wrong; Yes, she was never really happy, not after 'that' happened at least.
Correct; Yes, she was never really happy, not after her break up with Myungsoo happened, at least.
Care to be more specific? You'll confuse readers with what that is. Even if you did decide to use that, italicizing it would be better than adding apostrophe marks.
Wrong; "Ne, of course I did. Have you? Don't worry about saving money~My boss is giving the money out today, so don't worry. Okay?"
Correct; "Ne. Of course I did. Have you eaten? Don't worry about saving money for me. My boss is going to give me my salary today, so don't worry, okay?"
You frequently use wrong punctuation marks. You can wiki-up punctuation marks, the whole list of marks will appear. I think you mean salary? Bosses don't give out money. They give you your salary. You also tend to add alot of ~'s. Stop that. Only add them at the end of a sentence. Adding them in between sentences looks very messy.
You see y Myungsoo over there? Don't use images to describe the situation/person/place. DESCRIBE it using words.
Wrong; A tear runs down her face but is instantly gone as Ji Eun quickly wipes it away, "Kwenchana Ji Eun-ah" as she continues walkiing to school where she hasn't been for two weeks because of holidays, she notices the familiar figures walking in the same direction she is ahead of her.
Correct; A tear ran down her face but Ji Eun quickly wipes it away using her hand. "Kwenchana, Ji Eun-ah." She tells herself as she walks to towards the school. As she was walking, she notices two familiar figures walking in front of her.
Wow, you crammed up such a LONG sentence together. It looks extremely messy. Again with the punctuation... seriously, google/wiki it up. I'm getting annoyed.
Wrong; No, Seohyun did not break the two up, she was just someone who Myungsoo found after the break up. Myungsoo had his armaround Seohyun and they were looking at each other full of affection. This scene hurt Ji Eun, really did. She felt betrayal, even though he isnot hers anymore, it still hurt to see him so happy with another girl.
Correct; No, Seohyun did not break the two up. She was just someone who Myungsoo had found after the break up. Myungsoo had his arm around Seohyun's waist/shoulder/etc and they were looking at each other affectionately. This scene hurt Ji Eun, alot. She felt betrayed, even though he was not hers anymore, it still hurt her to see him looking happy with another girl.
Yeah, I told you to be all neat and tidy when I crammed the whole paragraph here. I have a reason; I'm procrastinating.my hand is aching from doing school work. Anyways, I think you should get your mistakes by now. Feel free to PM me if you want me to proof read your story. -8 points
Characterization [3/10 points]
Myungsoo and Ji Eun's characters were still not through for me. The only one that I really understood would be Seohyun.Even though she loves Myungsoo, she wants Myungsoo to go back to Ji Eun because Myungsoo actually loves Ji Eun. That's stupid, yes. But it's sweet and shows that Seohyun is caring. I would give you a six but because Seohyun is only a supporting role, the most I can give is three. -7 points
Ending [7/10 points]
The ending is taken from the sequel; It was sweet that they ended up together. But rather cliché, no? I would've given it a ten if Myungsoo were to end up with Seohyun instead. But because this is an OC x Myungsoo, it would only be right that she ended up with Myungsoo in the end. -3 points
TOTAL: 82/100 points
So close to 85, weren't you? >< Don't worry, you have the skill to become an amazing author, as long as you remember;
~ Your punctuation. Go google it up!
~ The story plot. We need a small twist to make it seem less predictable.
~ Describing the pictures/characters/scene. Seriously, describe them. Stop using pictures.
OMG! Are you one of my subscribers? :O I just realized... Anyway, keep up the good work and go aim for a featured! (Too high maybe). I'll be applying as a staff at your graphic shop! ^^
-sarxkyu :D <3
Comments