CHANGMIN (JUNE, 2011)

      Ever since I’d been back at the house more, Yunho became even happier than before. He was more energetic than ever. Everywhere he went, his strides had a notable bounce in it and there was a blissful glow that surrounded him like a halo.  

      Even so, he didn’t let happiness go over his head. I could tell that Yunho took care to make sure neither I or Rilie felt excluded. When we were both present, he’d made conversations general enough for the three of us to share. Still, I’d rarely talked to Rilie in spite that I’ve had caught her eyeing me on and off. I couldn’t look into her eyes and hold myself back. If Yunho had given in his best efforts, then I was willing to put in mine.

      “Min-ah, why don’t you eat more?” Yunho urged one night when I set down my bowl.

      “I’m full.”

      “You are eating half of your regular portions.”

      I didn’t answer as I trudged across the kitchen and the faucet to wash my bowl.

      “Come on,” Yunho’s laugher resonated from across the kitchen. “Rilie’s cooking isn’t that bad.”

      I didn’t want to see either Yunho or Rilie’s expressions as he said this, and I was glad that my back faced them both, shielding the raw pain etched across my face. She’d cooked the Cajun shrimp that I’d once resented but learned to love later on—the first of her cooking and one of the best meals I’ve had ever tasted in her dorm.  

      “No, it’s great,” I said, trying to sound as genuine as possible. Drying my hands with a towel, I passed the dining table again on the way to my room. Rilie set down her fork.

       “It’s really delicious, thanks.” I hastily dropped the compliment before speeding up, not daring to wait for a reaction. I turned down the lock as soon as I was inside my room. As I leaned against the door, relieved to be finally back in refuge, I looked up only to see pages of notes on vectors and chemical functional groups plastered across the wall. My very own room was filled with traces of Rilie. I stood there, pinned to the door for a long moment as if my limbs were stapled against the surface.

      From behind closed doors came the clinking of wine glasses. Instantly, I knew she was sharing the same Merlot we’d once downed over proposing organic synthesis.

      I stared back at the notes again—Rilie was never gone from my life; it was just that she had never been mine.

      “Min, I think you need a girlfriend,” Yunho said pointedly over lunch the next day.  

      I felt the food sticking to the lining of my esophagus. “A girlfriend? What makes you say that?”

      “It’s about time, isn’t it? I mean, our contract has changed a lot since...” He silenced himself, and I nodded knowingly at the unspoken. “You are not a teenager anymore, and I think you’d want at least a real relationship right now, don’t you?”

      I looked down at my plate. “I don’t know... I’ve never thought about it yet?”

      “I know you are almost graduating from university and everything, but this is pretty important too.”

      “Hyung, why are we talking about this?”

      He scratches his nose with the pinky with a wry smile. “Don’t you need a date to college prom?”

      “You are doing that thing with your nose again—you are a horrible liar, and you know that.”

      “Sorry,” he grinned, and then his tone was grave again. “I just think you look a little lonely these days. You know, I won’t mind whatever drama it may momentarily stir up if you have a girlfriend, too. We can always figure that out later...”

      I couldn’t hear the rest of the words he was saying as I pushed the vegetables around my plate. You look a little lonely. Was it really that detectable?

      I was never the one to stay in denial.

      Truth to be told, perhaps I was lonely. This loneliness was especially palpable on the nights when I couldn’t sleep and was acutely aware of a couple that roomed together down the hall. Late at night, sometimes, I could indistinctly hear the breathless sighs and the faint moans coming from the other end of the apartment. I knew Yunho would never want to make me feel awkward with his love life when mine was nonexistent, and he was trying his best to be discreet about