RILIE (JUNE, 2011)

      There’s something about a clear blue sky that can easily remove reality because it’s always at a distance, a place far away from this world. At the same time, the impeccable blue makes loneliness so distinct, and silence seems so loud.

      I scramble to the balcony and collapse there, letting the wind can gush over the cacophony outside the apartment. I thought the summer breeze will relieve all the pressure I have bottled for so long, instead, it flows right through me. There is a hollow sound now with each inhale I take. I feel as if I have just heaved away my visceral organs. It shocks me to admit that one sight of Changmin necking with another girl is enough to turn me inside out and erase all the happiness I thought I had all this time.  

      I know I’m a sinner.

      The minute I saw Yunho thrash Changmin against the corridor wall, I know I will be damned forever for cutting open two best friends.

      I don’t know what I’m more resentful for: having destroyed a perfect friendship or having been a complete wimp for running away yet again after all the chaos.

      Worse, I still can’t bring myself to speak to Changmin. After all these months of ice between us, I still can’t seem to find the right words to say.

      The balcony door whirls open and I can foretell what’s coming without even turning. I know it can’t be Changmin, so when Yunho slips down to the spot beside me, he is instead surprised to find me not being surprised at all.

      For a long time, he doesn’t say anything. He waits for me to take the initiative and break the reticence, and I’m aware that it’s the right thing to do. I just seem to have lost my voice, though. I’m so terrified that if I start speaking, I will start to uselessly fall apart again and all the words will join together in the wrong ways.

      As the stifling silence drags on, I can feel Yunho growing impatient.