22-456 Apdong Road,

Suwon, Gyeonggi-do

June 26, 1967

Dear Youngjae,

It was sweltering hot today. The kind of hot where you can trace the sweat that runs down your back. It was sticky and humid and I swear I almost drowned in my own sweat and tears today.

I missed a lot today, Jae.

Remember how we used to take over the playground during the summer. Two sixteen-year-old boys, jumping on swings and riding the merry-go-round. Screaming like banshees.

I remember when we used to hang from the monkey bars, we’d end up getting blisters in our hands.

We used to get sand in our eyes when we played in the pit.

And used to burn our asses from the hot plastic paint on the metal slides. God! That used to sting so bad. I tore so many of my jeans just sliding down that stupid contraption.

Urgh! We used to get nauseated and start throwing up after our fifth round on the merry-go-round.

We used to have so much fun during that time. So much fun that we never even realised that we were actually getting hurt.

We kept going to that playground despite all the scars that littered our bodies and all that spanking from our parents for getting home late or ruining our clothes or just hurting ourselves.

I can’t believe we craved that playground so much that we were willing to even get hurt for it…

Was loving me like that, Jae?

Did you love me so much that you overlooked my obliviousness? Did you love me so much that you never even let me know that you were hurting? Exactly how much did you love me that you simply smiled every time I mentioned a girl?

Why do you love me, Jaejae? What’s so special about me? What did I do that made you want to love me?

Right now, standing in the middle of the playground, all I remember are the good times. Just the good things. Us laughing. You and I, enjoying ourselves. Our smiles that were glued to our faces. You and me together.

All I see are beautiful memories.

It’s funny really, how I can feel every happy emotion I shared with you in this small little playground but I can’t feel how much it hurt to get a fracture from falling down from the seesaw. Or how much pain I was in when I scratched my face against the rocky ground when I fell face first into the gravel while climbing the rock wall.

Does loving me feel like this, Jae? Do you forget you’re hurting when you’re loving me? I hope you do. Anything would do as long as you’re not hurting, Jaejae.

I’m sorry, Jae.

I’m sorry for not loving you back in the way you want me to. I’m sorry for not being what you need me to be. I’m sorry for hurting you, Jaejae.

I’m sorry that I’m the bittersweet memory that is so rose tin