Suwon 1969

Daehyun is seeing him but it’s so hard to believe he’s here. It’s been more than two years since he’s seen Youngjae and the boy has changed entirely from when he last saw him. It’s horrifying, but Youngjae doesn’t look good. Doesn’t look healthy.

His cheeks have sunk deeper into his cheekbones, and his eyes bear circles underneath them. Hair outgrown and his broad shoulders (one thing that did grow in size) are hunched. A weak smile on his lips defies his sorrow as he bows to the guests that come to pay their respects to his father’s shrine.

And in that moment, Daehyun feels his blood boil. He feels so angry he could kill.

Because during all those days, all those wasted letters, he had stuck to the hope that wherever he may be, Youngjae was at least healthy (if not happy). But seeing him now, seeing his greying skin and his chapped lips, Daehyun feels betrayed.

Without restrain – he doesn’t even know what drives him to do this – he races towards the Kim Brothers, stopping stock still right in front of Youngjae. Heaving and staring at the boy with the hatred and anger. He ignores Youngwon, who’s sitting beside Youngjae looking at the pair with a terrified expression set on his lips.

And when Youngjae looks at him with a smile stuck to his lips, Daehyun loses it.

It’s a smile of relief. Of greeting. The kind you give to your best friend on a reunion. The kind of smile Youngjae shouldn’t have the guts to give Daehyun after two years of ignoring his letters.

If only someone had stopped him then, he wouldn’t have committed his greatest mistake.

Seoul 2017

Junhong stares at the old man once he quiets down. Letting silence rein as his story comes to an end. The boy can’t help but let his eyes stray away from Himchan towards the bedroom of the old lady he’d spoken to the night before.

Wetting his lips, Junhong heaves a sigh and mumbles to himself more than to Himchan, “why would he..? I mean... he wasn’t...” Of course, his words fail him and he struggles to thread his thoughts into something sensible.

“He wasn’t” Himchan says before Junhong can mull up any other ideas. “He isn’t, Junhong”.

“Then why would he do it?”

Himchan looks away from the boy and bites his lips. As if fighting himself over how to say it. “Sometimes, when you miss someone you do crazy things Junhong.” He begins, choosing his words carefully as he continues. “After seeing someone for long, sometimes we do things we would’ve never thought of doing in the past. And we don’t regret those things even after we’ve done them.” Looking back at Junhong he smiles ruefully as he explains, “some people cry. Some get angry. Daehyun...” biting his lips the elder trails off.  “What he did was... different but it wasn’t all that surprising. Because in that moment Daehyun couldn’t have expressed his feelings to Youngjae any better. No words would’ve conveyed his heart the way that moment did.”

An eternity passes away in that in door garden with Junhong pondering over what to say, when he finally whispers, “So what happened? They got separated again, but how? Why?”

“Imagine the entire town being witness to their reunion, Bunhongie.” Himchan says, looking away, biting his lips. “Do think Youngjae would’ve wanted to meet Daehyun again? What do you think happened?”

*****

“Why’d you break up with her though?” Junhong asks him as they pay the food stand seller. It’s freezing cold and Jongup had suggested meeting up at the park. They’ve always been a little unconventional after all, so Junhong actually is excited to meet out in the cold. It’s been almost three weeks after he spoke to Himchan and Junhong is finally feeling little better now.

Jongup shrugs as he stares at his own corn kernel cup. “I realised it wouldn’t hurt me if we stopped dating.”

The younger stares at the elder with an unknown expression for the longest while before nodding. “So…” he begins, spooning kernels into his mouth as he hums, “basically you realised that you didn’t like her enough?”

“More or less, yeah” Jongup mumbles.

Junhong nods in understanding and a silence settles over the pair. He’s giddy, he’s not sure why. Then again, he thinks he’s already known. For a long time now. As he savours the corn cup in his hands a memory flashes into his eyes.

Flashback

Junhong eyes the boy from behind his textbook before jerking back to the page he was supposed to be reading when Jongup looks up at him. The sixteen year old shakes his head and groans under his breath at the fact that Jongup might have realised he was staring. Alas! Jongup is as oblivious as they get, so the elder merely smiles at him before returning back to his own homework.

As soon as Jongup turns back to his work again, Junhong peeks up from his textbook and starts staring at the boy again. He’s trying to figure out exactly why watching Jongup makes his stomach feel all kinds of bittersweet.

They’ve been friends since forever so realising something odd is happening doesn’t take a genius to figure out. He can clearly remember the day his stomach had taken to screaming in Jongup’s presence. It had been snowing while they were walking back from school and Jongup had offered him his hand to hold.

‘Your nails are turning blue with the cold, Bunhongie!’ Jongup had yelled at him, cupping his hands with a frown. ‘Just hold mine until we get home. I swear you’ve got the coldest pair of hands I ever held!’

And Junhong had felt that rush of excitement in his guts. That unnamed rush. He had seen their hands together and words tumbled out of him faster than he could stop them, ‘good thing yours are the warmest I ever held then’.

Now, sitting opposite to the elder, his face flushes at the memory.

He’d always wanted to fall in love like in those animes, after all.

Flashback Over

“Junhong!” Jongup screams into his reverie, pulling him out of his thoughts. And then physically pulling him back into his arms.

Befuddled with what just happened, Junhong stares at his friend “wh- what’s the matter?”

Jongup stares at him with an unguided expression. For a second Junhong sees his own emotions reflected back at him. The elder looks at their entwined hands and his lips as he looks up at Junhong. Mumbling more to himself than to Junhong, “your hands are always so cold.”

Another dimple mars the perfect visage and Junhong takes another bite full mumbling, “I have bad circulation, Oongie.” As if it’s something that Jongup should know already. He’s aware that it’s something Jongup doesn’t know about him, mainly because they never held hands after that one time. But something tells him Jongup should know this already. “But your hands are always so warm.” He squeezes the hands clutching onto his own.

Jongup once again stares at their hands. Looking completel