449-003 Daehakro,

Jongro-gu, Seoul

December 06, 1975

Dear Youngjae,

She gave birth to a boy.

My little Thumbelina had cried a lot. Of course she had. Broken and beaten the way she was, I’m surprised the child even survived.

I still can’t believe her parents could do this to her, Jae. Force her to marry a man like that. Sell her away the way they did the moment they found out she was gay. Heck! I can’t believe a man like him even exists!

Who the hell beats up a pregnant woman, Jae!? She’s his wife! Carrying his child! How could he torture her like that!? Enough for her to go mad!?

I’m glad he died in that factory accident. I know I shouldn’t be but I’m so relieved she doesn’t have to live with him anymore.

After going through all that torture during the academy for being gay, having this happen to her. It’s not fair, Jae. It’s not right.

Can’t you pray for her, Jae? Your prayers will work for her. I know you can make her better again. I know you can make her hurt less.

I’m so scared, Jae…

I don’t know if I can take care of her. I don’t know if I can take responsibility for her. Of course I have Himchan and Yongguk to support me through this all but I’m still not ready for this. I’m twenty eight now, but I’m still so scared. Of course, I’m scared.

For now, though, all I’m worried about is the baby, Jae. This child who will never know of his parents. I only spent a day with him but I already know it’ll be just as hard letting him go as it was letting you leave for the second time.

But I have to let him go. It’s for the best. I can’t raise him and she isn’t capable of anymore.

I should send him away to an orphanage right, Jae? That’s the right choice, right? Please tell me that’s what I should do. Just tell me what I should do…

I’m scared beyond measure. I don’t know what to do, Jae. I can’t do this alone…

I need someone. I need you.

Please… Help me.

PS: I’m having the hardest time naming him. Do you want to name him instead?

I love you,

Daehyun

Seoul 2018

It’s late into the night when Junhong wakes up from his sleep and stumbles towards the kitchen. Groggy and disoriented. Not in the least bit sleepy. Images of the little hang out with Jongup just a few hours ago, pooling around his mind like a computer virus.

His lips are still trembling from that moment in the park where he had accidently Jongup’s finger, when the elder had tried to wipe at the cream on his lips. Naturally, he had played it off as a joke, but his insides have been burning since then.

Groaning under his breath, Junhong prepares a cup of hot chocolate for himself and eyes the letter suitcase sitting near his arm chair. Sleep is not going to be his friend tonight, so he might as well catch up with the letters.

He thinks back to the evening and how it began with Jongup wanting to watch him practice his dance routine. And usually when Jongup says that it only means that the elder is either tired of working on his own projects and wants a distraction or because he had a lot on his mind. And needs a distraction. In both the scenarios, Junhong is always more than happy to oblige.

But tonight, Junhong knows it is neither of the two. Jongup’s semester has ended and he’s not working on any songs as far as Junhong is aware. And the elder’s disposition was so merry tonight that Junhong doubts there was something troubling him.

He looks at the clock on his cell phone showing the date and briefly wonders if it’s because today marks the day Jongup’s uncle had gone away two years ago. But he quickly refutes the idea. Sure, Jongup had been bitter about the man leaving but they call each other almost every week. He knows Jongup isn’t sad about that anymore. Junhong himself has kept in touch with the man so he knows that’s not the case.

It boggles his mind just what could the reason be. And sure, it’s not such a big deal if Jongup wants to watch him dance once in a while. But this has been going on for a while now. Junhong has noticed something oddly, flatteringly, strange in Jongup’s behaviours the past few months.

He’s a lot more attentive, kind. And something in the way he looks at him makes Junhong heart flutter more than it has for the elder in all his twenty years of life. He shakes his head and pats his cheeks when his mind travels to the moment in the park again. For a second, Junhong had felt that Jongup would kiss him!

“Urgh! Get a grip, Junhong!” he yells at himself and heaves a breath turning back to his brewing drink.

As he watches the steam from the kettle rise, a memory from his childhood interrupts his blushing.

Flashback

Little Junhong, still only seven and barely tall enough to reach the church pews, leans over Jongup’s side as he watches the older, taller boy light a candle at the altar. His enlarged eyes, doe-like and sparkling, watch how Jongup gently holds the candelabra and walks towards the man crouched near the statue of Mary and Jesus.

“Shinboo-niim!” the elder boy beams as he runs towards the crouched man, hugging him from behind. It’s odd to see Jongup being so affectionate to someone, so Junhong just stands where he had been, watching the pair interact.

“Jongup!” the elder man sings, turning around and ruffling his friend’s hair. A deep, guttural laughter issuing from his lips as he leans down to hug the boy. “What are you doing here, my boy?”

Jongup, once again so unlike himself, holds onto the man's hand and grins as he says, “I bwought Junhongie to meet you!” The eight year old titters, turning around and waving little Junhong over. “That’s him!”

Junhong shyly waves at the man and yearns a warm smile in return. The man straightens his legs and with Jongup’s had still in his own, walks towards the younger boy. Standing just a feet away from him. “Hi, Junhong.” He mutters, crouching down in front of him again and pushes his hand out in greeting, “it’s nice to meet you.”

Flashback over

Junhong sighs as he shakes his head at the memory. He’d always loved Jongup’s uncle. The man had always been a pillar of support for his elder friend. He remembers Jongup telling him on his eleventh birthday how Mr. Yoo had taken him in when he was still only three years old after his parents’ death. Junhong, at the time only ten, had not known how to react to the news, so he had merely hugged Jongup the entire night till they fell asleep. Even now, he’s never sure what to do and how to comfort his friend when the topic of his parents comes around.

He’d always pitied Jongup but had also always been a little jealous of the man too. His Shinbu-nim was a great ma