April 06

7:00 AM

Junhong:

Jongup.

7:15 AM

Junhong:

Jongup, I’m sorry.

Please try to understand where I’m coming from.

8:19 AM

Junhong:

I knew Hana wanted to go there with you since forever, I didn’t want to make this hard for you.

8:21 AM

Junhong:

I was scared, Jongup.

I was scared you’d force yourself to ditch Hana for me.

I was scared you’d hate me for making you choose.

9:46 PM

Junhong:

What if you chose to visit Hana’s wedding instead of accompanying me to meet Grandpa?

What if you chose to prioritize her over Me?

I was scared of so many things Jongup.

11:51 PM

Junhong:

I was scared you wouldn’t care, Jongup.

I was wrong but I was so scared…

April 07

12:08 AM

Junhong:

Will you really not reply?

Last seen 14 hours ago

A silent prayer escapes his lips as Junhong closes his eyes for the night. He’s not at all sleepy, but he forces himself to at least try.

Jongup never fails to reply to him but it’s already been twenty-two hours since their fight.

Trying to sleep, however, is a failed tactic Junhong finds out when four hours of constantly shuffling in bed leave him with a sore back but still alive consciousness. He stares at the suitcase in the corner of the room then. It’s the only thing he hasn’t unpacked yet.

Heaving a strained sigh, he sits up and edges towards the suitcase, being careful not to let his feet touch the ground. He lies down on his stomach, and opens the bag, pulling out the top mossy letter in the right section. The ones he still hasn’t read yet.

*****

356-71 Daehakro,

Jongno-gu, Seoul

January 17, 1968

Dear Youngjae,

It’s raining in Seoul right now and I’m stuck inside the goshiwon. Yongguk is sitting next to me and he’s reading this letter over my shoulders.

I decided to tell him, Jae. Because you’re not a dirty secret.

Our classes start next week and it’s fair to say, I’m excited. Then again, it might be because I haven’t been out of this damn room for more than a couple of hours for the past three months and right now, school sounds fun.

Yongguk’s university isn’t too far from my academy so that’s a nice plus. I feel like I’ll fit in just fine.

How are you though?

I realized, after fifty-seven unanswered letters that maybe the reason you never reply is that I never ask after you.

I guess I’m just too selfish, huh? Always wanting to talk about myself.

How are you, Jae?

Yongguk tells me you’re doing well. You’ve taken a break, I hear? How come? I didn’t ask for more details though.

I want you to tell me.

Why are you on a break? Are the people there not nice to you? I’d have imagined church people to be kinder. Or maybe the workload is a lot? I mean… I don’t really know what work you do there but I’m sure it must be tiring.

Anyway. Yongguk says I’m rambling. He told me he’s going to meet you tomorrow. He offered me to come along, but I don’t want to force it.

I told him to not talk about us tomorrow when he meets you. Don’t worry. We won’t talk about it until you want to.