The next day I walked into school, my heart already beating as if it’s trying to free itself from my chest, my palms sweating a gallon a minute. I was nervous because I had just found out my long time crush, Michael, was actually my childhood best friend, Park Chanyeol. I wanted to confront him about it, but I decided to wait till after school so we could talk properly. Afterall, I had promised Michael that I wouldn’t try to find out who he was, and I had done the exact opposite. I didn’t want to make him think I was betraying him.

The whole day I could barely sit still, too excited and nervous about talking with Chanyeol today. At Lunch I had asked him if he wanted to go out after school, to the local boba place so that we could just hang out. Just the two of us. He agreed saying I was treating him though. As soon as the bell rang I ran out of the auditorium towards the locker room in order to wait for Chanyeol. When I saw him walk out the door I started to get nervous again thinking about what I would say. We walked to the boba store like our usual walks, with Chanyeol babbling on while I listened intently, giving occasional input. But today I could barely listen, my ears were ringing, my hands clammy.

I handed Chanyeol some money as he ordered a drink for the both of us and waited for it to be made. I sat at a table trying to calm my nerves, this was Chanyeol my best friend since before we could even talk. This was Michael my confidant these last few months. I had nothing to be worried about, yet nothing I thought or did would calm my nerves.

Chanyeol came to the table I was sitting at, handing me my drink while he sipped his. After a few minutes of Chanyeol taking I finally worked up the courage to say it, to tell him, “Chanyeol I have something to tell you.”

“Soo, why are you so nervous. You know you can tell me anything.” Chanyeol said, playfully nudging me.

I took a deep breathe, looking him in the eye, “Chanyeol, I’m gay.” Chanyeol started to cough, choking on the boba. “But you’re gay too right?”

Chanyeol looked at me baffled, still coughing a little, “What the , I’m not a . And you aren’t either Soo. It’s probably just a phase, you’re being ridiculous.” As soon as those words left his mouth I felt as if my whole world fell apart. What was I thinking of course Chanyeol wasn’t Michael they acted nothing alike. How could I be so stupid? “Look Kyungsoo, I’m just saying that, I mean being gay’s kinda like wrong you know. It says it in the bible.”

I got up pushing my chair out so quickly it fell to the floor, “You know what you Chanyeol, and your homophobic mindset. And what the kind of bible bull are you trying to pull, I know your parents and Yura didn’t teach you that so you’re probably just an . Whatever, this, you. I’m leaving.”

As soon as I was out the store the tears started to fall and they wouldn’t stop. I pulled out my phone dialing Jongdae. “Hyung,” I barely said between all my tears. “Can you pick me up?” I sent him my location and he said he’d be here as soon as possible. As I waited for Jongdae I tried to stop crying. I didn’t want to look like a mess when he picked me up, I knew he’d ask questions and I don’t know if I’d be able to answer them. I always thought I was safe, I always thought everyone around me would’ve accepted me but it turns out I was wrong. How could I be so stupid. And now I’m scared because if my best friend couldn’t accept me, then who would? What if that means I’m wrong about my parents, what if they decide they can’t deal with having a gay son and kick me out. Because it’s different when you support the lgbtq community and when someone you know comes out to you.

“Hey, Kyungsoo are you okay?” I looked up to see Jongin. It looked like he was on his way home from dance practice.

I tried wiping my tears away as best I can before answering him, “Yea I’m fine, you don’t have to worry about me.” He handed me a handkerchief so I could wipe away the few tears that continued to fall from my eyes. I looked up to see Jongdae’s car pulling up in front of us. “Well that’s Jongdae, I gotta go. Thank you for checking up on me Jongin.”  

I opened the car door, slipping into the passenger seat, waving to Jongin one last time. “Where you with Jongin, did he do something to you? Since when were you two close anyway?” Jongdae started asking as soon as I closed the door and put on my seatbelt.

“He was just on his way home when he saw me, he was just asking if I was okay,” I explained with a huff.

“Well are you?” I looked at him confused by what he meant. “Are you okay?”

“I, I don’t know Jongdae.”

He pulled up to my house parking the car in front. I expected him to drive off after but instead he turned off the engine and stepped out the car along with me. “Come on, I think you need someone to talk to.”

He brought me to my room and we both sat on my bed. I started to bite my nails, a habit I got rid of when I was a kid, but I couldn’t help but do whenever I got really nervous. A few minutes had passed already and I still hadn’t said anything.

“Look Kyungsoo,” Jongdae finally said. “You can take your time, you don’t have to tell me right away, hell you don’t even have to tell me today. I just want to make sure you’re okay. You’re my little cuz and I love you okay, no matter what.” I lightly hit him when he said little cuz but he managed to make me smile.

“Jongdae hyung,” I let out a big sigh, for the second time today I’d be coming out. And it isn’t fair. Why do gay people have to come out? Imagine if the case was the same for straight people. It just seems weird because straight is usually the default, but who decided that and why do we continue to think like that. Because it never stops at just one coming out story, once you become openly gay your life becomes a collection of coming out stories. You come out to your parents, to your friends and then you start coming out to new people you meet in life and every time you meet someone new you never know if they’ll accept you or not. And right now I’d be taking that risk. Because no matter how much Jongdae loves me, would he love a gay me. I always thought the answer was yes, until Chanyeol proved me wrong. “I’m gay.”

Jongdae looked at me and gave me a comforting smile, scooting closer to me and giving me a hug. “Thank you for telling me and trusting me.”

“You aren’t disgusted?” I asked timidly.

“Of course not Soo, I love you and you being gay doesn’t change that. If that’s what makes you happy then I’m happy you trust me and told me.” I hugged him back tightly, tears starting to fall down my face again.

“Thank you, thank you so much for not looking at me any different,” I told Jongdae, my worlds muffled because my head was pressed against his chest. “I love you, even though I do say I hate you a lot. I’m so lucky to have you as a cousin.”

“You bet your you do.”

After a few minutes of more hugging Jongdae and I watched a few episodes of The Winter the Wind Blows because it’s my favorite drama and always makes me feel a little bit better. As I heard Song Hyekyo’s character call out Oh Soo, Jo In Sung’s character, I thought of Michael. Michael who isn’t Park Chanyeol. Michael who I still didn’t know the identity of. Michael who I had forgotten to respond to last night because I was too busy trying to figure out who he was. “Ummm, Jongdae don’t you think Auntie’s wondering where you are?”

“Okay I get it little cuz, you want to be left alone. Tell Auntie and Uncle thank you for the food and that I’m leaving now.”

As soon as I was sure he left the room asn that the door was closed I opened my email to find out that Michael had sent me a new email.

From:[email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: September 9, 2018 at 7:04

Subject: I’m sorry

Hey Oh Soo, I’m sorry about my last message you haven’t responded yet and now I feel bad. I’m sorry if the song made you uncomfortable I was out of line. I shouldn’t have sent you that, I’m so sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I understand if you don’t want to email me anymore or something. I’m seriously so sorry.

-Michael

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: September 9, 2018 at 21:17

Subject: Don’t be sorry

If anyone should be apologizing it’s me for forgetting to reply to you. I just had a little friend drama I guess. I came out for the first time today, and the second. The first time didn’t go so well but you know what they say right, second time's the charm. It was, well it was scary but I’m so glad I did it because I feel more like myself, I felt like I was always hiding a part of myself but now I feel so much more like myself. And as for the answer to your song, I thought this song would be the perfect response. It’s from one of my favorite singers, musiq soulchild, yes.

-Oh Soo

So when the world

And the odds are against us

You won't have to question

The answer is yes