I stared at my computer, the screen showing the last email I had sent to Michael this morning. There’s a few things you had to know about Michael. Michael goes to the same school as me. He has an older sibling who gets on his nerves but he still loves dearly. He loves dogs, and he can never shut up about them, but he’s just as cute when he talks about any type of dog. And he loves music, we always bond over different songs because our tastes are so similar but also at times different, I loves when Michael recommends a song to me, whenever I listen to them I feel as if he’s sharing apart of himself with me. Oh and most importantly, Michael isn’t his real name. What is his real name? I have absolutely no idea.

We met because I was looking at our schools blog, it isn’t run by the school but run by students. People like to post a lot of gossip mostly, so I don’t go on very much. But then one day everyone started talking about the gay kid, later that night I went on the school’s blog to find a post by someone ranting about homophobia at our school and in South Korea in general, asking why it was so wrong if he was gay. I messaged the email attached to the message telling him there was nothing wrong with being gay and that he was brave for posting that online and that I totally agree with him, he laughed and said he didn’t want to deal with bullies and he wouldn’t tell me his real name and that his email was a throwaway account anyway. But after a few messages showing my sincerity we started to talk regularly and I told him I was gay too. We agreed to stay anonymous and to not reveal anything about ourselves that would give away our identity. But I wanted to know so bad.

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: September 7, 2018 at 6:12
Subject:Re:If I’m being honest

I guess it was either Jo Insung or Yunho I mean have you seen them, everyone thinks they look good. I like to say I love Jo Insung because of his acting but oof does he look good. But I don’t really think there was an exact moment where I looked at a guy and I just thought yup, I am gay. I kind of gradually realized I rather kiss the members of DBSK rather than SNSD, you know? But it’s not like we live in the most liberal country, so I kept it on the downlow. I guess you can relate too. But It’s really nice to have someone to talk to, even if I don’t really know who you are. I still feel like I’ve known you forever, maybe it’s because you know something about me no one else does.

P.S. Thanks for telling me to get a dog I know I’ve only had her for a week but if anything happened to her I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

-Oh Soo

From:[email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: September 7, 2018 at 19:29
Subject: Ugh Family

Family, I seriously don’t know how my family would react. My dads telling me I’m the youngest but he still expects a lot of grandchildren from me. Which I don’t understand because it’s not like I’m the only child in the family I have older siblings who can provide the grandchildren he so desires. So I don’t know how he’d react if I told him I and my future partner will not be able to provide grandchildren. And idk how he would feel about adoption, even though it’s an option not many people like the idea. Ha what am I saying as if I would be able to, it’s illegal here in korea just to adopt a child with my future LOML. But enough about sad things like that, I can’t help but notice something about your email. You sent it at 6 in the morning ??? Why were you even awake, how were you even awake? I just don’t understand how anyone could be awake before the sun.

P.S. I’m so excited that you got a dog and I know the feeling that’s exactly how I feel about any dog really.

-Michael

I smiled as I read the email sent to me by Michael. If you couldn’t tell already and the emails weren’t obvious enough, neither Michael nor I are out. I’m not out due to the fear of being seen as gay. I mean I’ve accepted what I am. I’m gay. But that’s not all I am and I don’t want people to look at me and only see me as that one gay kid. But I know if I did come out my parents and family along with all my friends would be super supportive. They’ve always been open minded and I’ve never really been worried about what they would think. Michael on the other hand is scared of what his family would think of him. He has a super close relationship with his family, he told me he wouldn’t know what to do if his family didn’t understand. Which I understand, living in a conservative country where we are taught being gay is wrong no matter what, could be very intimidating when you’re well, gay. And you just never know what anyone thinks about the situation.

I never felt like I had anyone to turn to, I knew my parents would blow it out of proportions. Probably going to Pride parades and rallies and going a little over the top with their support. Like I know I’m lucky to have parents like that but it can be annoying when you don’t want your uality to define who you are. While all of my friends are really loud and chatty so I was scared they might accidently let it slip. So I’m so lucky to have Michael. But sometimes I wish I could talk to Michael in person, see his face light up as he talks about his dog. Sometimes I wish I could just hug Michael, holding him in my arms, giving him a small peck on the lips, I bet he’d smile when you kiss him, maybe letting out a little giggle. Okay, so I might have a crush on Michael even though I don’t really know who he is or what he looks like. But he’s always there for me and I feel like I can always turn to him for help. Sometimes I look at strangers in the halls and wonder if maybe they’re him. I know we both agreed we wanted to remain anonymous but I can’t help but wonder if I pass by him in the hallway.

I looked at the clock next to my bed to see that it was already 23:28 and decided I should probably start my homework. I let out a groan and got started putting thoughts of Michael at the back of my head. Maybe one day I would find out his real identity but for now he was just Michael, my online pen pal that I had a minor teensy-weensy crush on.