The walk to the backyard is slow, quiet and probably full of thinking. What could this possibly mean? This invisible string that's pulling me towards him no matter how much pain he brings me. Should I feel happy about him being here? About him giving up something he used to love for us? Is he thinking the same things as I am? Confusion's surrounding me and I can't escape it. It's a total mix for delayed disaster. But his close proximity is not helping with how I'm trying to figure this whole predicament out. I have so many questions. I don't think an hour or two would enable him to answer all of it.

     But at that moment, when the back of his hand brushes mine, I suddenly become aware of everything. I'm aware of the sound that his shoes make as they hit the tile with every step. I'm aware of how his breathing is slow but shaky—as if he's willing himself to be relaxed about something so miniscule. But that's the problem here. What we're going to talk about is something major. It involves the very center of our lives. The only variable that wouldn't change no matter how hard we try to push each other away. Our common ground even when we feel afloat—our son.

     The cold breeze greets me as soon as he pushes the white double doors open. Despite my cardigan, I rub my arms just to create some sort of a resemblance to heat. "Cold?" Joo Hyuk asks, blowing his breath on his cupped hands and rubbing them together before grabbing both of mine. He blows more air on our clasped hands and tucks each of them on each pocket of his coat. I'm suddenly ambushed by the memory of him doing that as we hide from the public's eyes in his childhood treehouse back in Busan. It reminds me of how I'm always tucked in between his legs as he my hair. I remember how I used to listen to his heartbeat as if it's the most beautiful sonata that I have ever heard. Yet, I also realized then, that no matter how silly and absurd it might have sounded, what really made it mesmerizing was the fact that it only beats for me.

     And I was sure of that. But these days, I'm never sure of anything.

     "Are you still mad at me?" Joo Hyuk suddenly asks, cutting through the silence that was beginning to thicken because of how I didn't want to divert my eyes from the only contact that we've had since a year ago. But all I did was look at him in a way that's saying what I want to tell him. I know that he understands. "You still are," he sighs, hanging his head like a child who didn't get any candy after supper. And it left me staring in wonder. Or maybe anticipation of what he's going to tell me—how he's going to explain. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

     I scoff sarcastically. "Sure," I roll my eyes. "As if you didn't hide it from me for five years."

     "I didn't mean to," he grips my hands tighter, making my cheeks pink. "I wanted to be sure about it before I tell you," he shakes his head and I could see how much he regrets it. But I still don't understand myself because I could feel my walls building up higher. "I wanted to create a life for us, you know. I wanted something that could aid us in the long run—something that wouldn't require appearance or publicity. You also know about how I always wanted to be a doctor." At the mention of his dreams, I couldn't do anything but look at my shoes and contemplate on how he actually wants an us to happen; a better us that could be together for the rest of our lives. "I hid it from you because I wanted to get a license first before I could start building that home you always wanted—peaceful and quaint. Not too much drama, just enough of it," he smiles and looks at the sky. He breathes deep and exhales. I took the time to examine him. It's obvious that he's attending university with how he has dark circles underneath his eyes and how his shoulders are slumped like he's always tired. In a way, I feel pity for him, but love all the same. He looks back at me and I don't even try to look away. "When you told me you were pregnant, I was so ecstatic," he chuckles and it almost made me cry. "I felt like jumping and screaming and it made me love you even more. The weight gain and the cravings tire me the least bit because the fact that you were carrying a tiny human that we made together is something that made you so beautiful to me,"

     "Nam—"

     "Let me finish," he nudges me, adjusting our hands inside his pockets before clearing his throat. His mouth was suddenly frowning and it made me think that the worse explanation is yet to come. "When we knew that Joon Seo had con heart disease, I panic