A one-shot in reference to The Pain Which You Don't Know prompt in KFics Anthology Contest (Wattpad)

//

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we made too long to make." ~ Lewis Carroll

//

All in My Head - Tori Kelly

"You look beautiful," is the first thing I hear from mom when the curtains open. She's smiling, eyes almost disappearing as it arches into crescents.

I give a little whirl around the mirrors surrounding me. The white dress has a sweetheart neckline, straps embellished with silver beads, and follows the outline of the arches. The chiffon fabric hugs my figure on the upper part and goes for a natural waistline using the same beads for the belt. It's a trumpet silhouette in a sweep trail for the skirt, short enough for people not to step on it. Someone gives me the bouquet of lavender, purple roses, and white lilacs bundled in a white ribbon and it completes the look.

I step out of the platform with careful strides, afraid I'm going to step on the gown with my two-inch stiletto heels. Mom stands up from the sofa in front of me to take my empty hand. I give her a little smile, hoping it'll somehow alleviate the nerves I'm feeling.

"Do you want to go the venue now?" mom asks.

"I'm... I think I just wanna rest for a while."

She nods in understanding. She waves a worker over, asking if we can use the same room where they did my make-up, and right away I'm led there. It's in an adjacent room to this one so it's near. Mom doesn't follow to make a call.

I take a seat in front of the vanity mirror. The loose curls framing my face is tickling my skin but I don't make a move to scratch it, fearing it'll ruin my up-do. Instead, I focus on psyching myself and pick up the mantra I've been saying to myself ever since I woke up this morning.

You can do this, Park Chaeyoung.

Who am I kidding? I'm not ready for this. I place the bouquet on top of the dresser, not liking how it's producing a scent too familiar for me. The cages around my lungs seem like pressing down on me, cutting off my capability to breathe properly.

Okay, deep breaths. That's it. Keep going. You're going to be fine. You're okay.

I hope I have the power to believe my words because I know for a fact that I'm definitely not okay. If only... maybe...

Stop it. Face the consequences of the choices you made in your life.

Right. I swallow the lump in my throat. I had a lot of chances to do the right thing, but I didn't. The present is only an accumulation of that, and I'm here, drowning, regretting the chances I didn't take.

//

The sun filters through his irises and it creates ringlets of brown as dark as the soil beneath our feet. of earthly brown paint across Junhoe's skin, down to his arms, sweat sprinkling the hair tips stuck on his forehead. His chest heaves, breath too audible in his mouth as he tries to pace the adrenaline running on his veins.

I feel my heart coming to life for what must be the first time, thrashing around my ribcage asking for escape, when a thought strikes me odd.

I'm utterly and madly in love with him.

It's weird how it appears out of nowhere. We were just playing around and goodness, Junhoe stinks and looks like he can give beggars a run for their money. This is not romantic.

Spending practically my whole life with him, of course I love him. I get the sense it's not the same kind of love because he's my best friend. It's... different. Like butterflies-in-the-stomach-I-want-to-kiss-his-lips different.

The thought makes me recoil. No, it's impossible.

I do my best to keep my outside composure, when my insides feel like intense warfare.

At the same time, I feel like it's been there all along, buried deep in my mind, among the piles of memories I have with him. Fearing what it must mean, I shake my head, hoping that the movement also makes me forget.

Junhoe throws the soil gathered in his hand on the ground and adjusts his straw hat. I do the same, watchful eyes half-expecting he'd trick me and do it all over again. He doesn't. Instead, he wipes his face with his forearm, attempting to erase any trace of soil I got on him.

"Chae... you're really a handful."

My mouth bubbles with a chuckle, mind forgetting my earlier thoughts. "You started it!"

"I'm telling you on your mom when we go back."

I copy his actions of wiping away the soil on my face, but by pinching the collar of my green shirt with my thumb and index finger. "We're not ten anymore. Grow up."

"Says the one who threw soil at me."

Rolling my eyes, I pick up the tumbled woven basket beside my feet and shove the spilling potatoes inside. I stand straight, keeping the basket close to my waist. It's heavy but I don't want him to know that. "Let's go back. Grandpa said to only fill up one basket."

He moves towards me to snatch the basket away anyway. I let him. Harvesting potatoes are hard. I get it why Junhoe's grandfather didn't share the same sentiment I have when I told him how excited I was to go in the fields.

Senior year has been over two weeks ago and I find myself caught up with Junhoe's exciting escapade plans this summer break. Not that I don't have my own, of course. In fact, I already have it figured out. Eat, sleep, and repeat. Unfortunately, my parents aren't too happy with that prospect so in an attempt to get my lazy  moving, they thought it'd be better if I come with Junhoe's family. They are set to visit the quaint Goseong County, one hundred sixty miles off the heart of Korea. His parents are more than cool with me tagging along. I'm practically like their own daughter.

Three hours' worth of road trip after, we're here on his grandfather's farm, giving me a great epiphany how I'm wasting living resources all my life. Grandpa's humble one-story residence has running water, which is a lot cooler than the other villagers combined. Mrs. Lee, a widow living nearby, has to let her son pump water at their backyard and I see how his back's permanently curved from all the pumping.

Internet connection? Don't even bother. But the food is enough to keep me here forever. Every ingredient is picked from grandpa's fifty-hectare farm and his caretaker is a superstar in the kitchen. Seriously, the combination of fresh harvest plus Ms. Jung's superb cooking skills is something else. I think I gained two kilos already.

Junhoe taps my soiled rubber boots with his own, eyes squinting over the glare of the sun. "Let's go back and make a run for it." A grin breaks out in his dirtied face. "Winner gets to annoy the other to death."

Before I can argue, he turns around and sprints towards the red roof homestead not far off the fields, following the narrow dirt road separating the potato fields from the carrot crops. I chase after, muttering under my breath how he's so unfair. His high-pitched laughter cackles in the air, sound getting louder as I try to catch up with him.

Already three quarters close to the bungalow and I'm running side by side with Junhoe. He turns to me and I stick my tongue out in response. He's having a hard time carrying the potato basket plus keeping a hand over his head to prevent his hat from flying out. I'm not carrying anything heavy so I only have to hold on my own hat. Haha. er.

The rushing wind feels cool against my skin. The air of the province is a lot cooler than it is in the city. It's midday and there's no smoke, just fresh breeze of earthly scent and dung. It's a lot better and more economical than dying of lung cancer back in Seoul. Running in the fields has never felt this good, besides kicking Junhoe's , of course.

The bungalow looks a lot bigger and it's only a blur of white when I reach for the doorknob. Too tired to remove my rubber boots, I sprawl on the wooden floor, knees bent on the ledge between the raised floorboard and the entrance. Junhoe comes a second later, puts the basket down, and does the same.

He laughs in between heavy breaths. "You... sound... like... a cow..."

I don't even have the energy to counterattack that.

Footsteps echo above our heads. Craning my neck up, I see Junhoe's mom, one eyebrow raised and hands perched on waist although with me on the floor, everything looks upside-down.

"Hi... auntie..." I greet and beams at her, despite feeling very, very numb in my chest.

She raises her arms and turns around. "You know what? I'm not even going to ask you kids... You come home like that everyday..."

Junhoe's eyes connect with mine and we laugh like the idiots that we are.

After having a quick shower to rid ourselves of the dirt, I meet with my best friend in the cramped hallway of the bedrooms. Actually, when I open the door, he's half-way knocking until I beat him to it. We both scream. Ugh.

His damp black locks are in its lazy swept-back style. He's been complaining about his bangs being too long and the solution he has is to keep combing it back to his head. He's dressed in a navy crewneck t-shirt with the words 'hold on' embroidered in the left part and pairs it with grey drawstring shorts exposing half of his thighs.

He's looking at my own getup, blinking once. We're wearing the same shirt. My mom gave it to us last Christmas because she thought we'd look cute in it. It isn't. She doesn't know wearing the same thing is strictly couple territory. I'm just glad I decided to wear my white cotton shorts because if I didn't, we'd be matching hundred percent.

A grin breaks out on his face. "Hot damn."

I roll my eyes and push him away from the door frame. "Get out. I'm gonna change."

He plants his palm on the door before I can close it. "Grandpa will be thrilled to see us like this."

Snorting to hide a smile twitching on my lips, I say, "Is it that or you just want me to do a couple thing with you?"

"Well, that also," he replies to humor me. "Plus, if you wear it on another day, they'd think you're wearing my shirt and that we did something... naughty."

I catch his eyes giving me a suggestive look. "You're the only one thinking like that. ert."

"Ha-ha. If you can only hear the things going in my head..."

"Okay, ew!" I exclaim and push him off the doorway. Wanting nothing to do with him, I walk out of the hallway to go to the living room. He catches up to me, all the while laughing, and slings his arm around my shoulder. I elbow him on the chest, not at all amused at him touching me.

"Chaeyoung!" he yells in pain. Of course he does. He's an overdramatic idiot.

"Get your dirty hands away from me. I don't want to think where those dirty hands land on."

His response is a laugh. "Do you wanna find out? I can show you if you want to—Ow! CHAE!"

"Ugh, you're seriously the worst!" I exclaim, stomping my feet a little. I know I'm acting like a bratty princess but whatever. Junhoe's aggravating me and I don't like it one bit.

He's laughing again like it's supposed to be funny. It isn't. At all. This is why no one takes him seriously. Sometimes, I wonder how I survived ten years with him.

We hear soft crooning of an upbeat song in the living room. Junhoe's automatically enchanted, so much that he walks ahead of me.

Grandpa's on his rocking chair by the window facing the backyard, a perfect spot to see the clash of violet and green of the lavender fields. His face lights up when he sees us. It always has, since according to him, he's tired of seeing Ms. Jung's wrinkly face in the house. Ms. Jung is only forty or so years old so I don't get the wrinkles part. They're really close though, Junhoe's mom tells me, so much that she gets jealous that Ms. Jung's getting the same treatment as his own daughter.

I sit at the sofa nearest grandpa's chair and he points out our matching shirts while Junhoe stands in front of the record player, amazed, and exclaims, "It's Kim Hyunsik!"

Grandpa and I exchange looks, knowing what'll happen next. Not a moment more and Junhoe's singing along with the beating drums and electric guitar riffs, walking towards us with his closed fist as a mic. I hate to admit this, but he has a nice voice, has a rocker's edge to it, so I wonder why of all people he loves a ballad singer the most.

Junhoe's currently singing his own rendition of Kim Hyunsik's 'Just You and Me'. I know because grandpa loves playing it again and again, a fact I discovered after about a week we're here. It makes sense why he starts singing along with his grandson. I shake my head. These two... I'm amused anyway.

Junhoe waves to an imaginary audience when the music ends. "Thank you Goseong and have a nice night!"

"This isn't a concert, Junhoe," I retort, almost slipping out a derogatory term in exchange of his name along the lines of stupid and  if I don't remember grandpa's with us.

Grandpa's amused however, chuckling deeply as he points at his grandson. "This kid..."

The track's changing to a mellow one and I grow in awe listening to it. It reminds me of a sunny afternoon at my own grandparents' house, just like today. It's like I'm taken to a time machine twenty years ago. Junhoe loves this kind of music, but mostly Kim Hyunsik. He even asks (practically begs) grandpa for his LP records. Frankly, I'm more amazed that grandpa has surviving LP records of Kim Hyunsik in his house since Junhoe made the move of collecting them.

A hand appears in front of me. I look up at Junhoe with curious eyes.

He's grinning. "You have to dance with me. Kim Hyunsik's calling for our presence and we don't want him waiting, don't we?"

I look at grandpa but he just nods and waves me off, telling me to do it. Shaking my head, I grab my best friend's hand and rise out of the couch.

My heart races a little faster when he's looking at me with those beautiful eyes and enchanting smile as his other hand travels at the small of my back.

Our hips softly sway to the music, to Kim Hyunsik singing words of comfort. He starts singing the lyrics in my ear and I hate, hate, hate, how it's making me feel these unfamiliar emotions, emotions I didn't know until now.

"When the clouds veil the sun afar and you're alone, please tell me; then I'll comfort you."

I swallow, trying to pace my breathing a little slower. In his arms, I'm getting scared with these thoughts I have about him. I'm experiencing the most cliché thing ever to happen with best friends; falling in love, but one-sided. It's taboo. It's not meant to happen. It shouldn't be. Friends don't fall for each other like that.

"When the night comes after sunset, and you're staying up all through the night alone, please tell me; then I'll be your friend."

Yet when his face lights up as our eyes meet, I understand why. I still can't accept how it has the power to make me breathless so I lean on his shoulder, hoping to hide any traces I felt different for him. The last thing I want right now is Junhoe knowing my thoughts when I'm in the middle of sorting it out myself.

"Even if you're gone to a faraway place, I'll always run to your side."

He smells a lot like lavender. His room's facing the lavender fields so maybe it's because of that it's everywhere on him. I close my eyes and let myself get soaked in his scent. The house smells sweet with lavender but it's sweeter when it's on him.

"Chaeyoung."

"Hm?"

"No matter what happens, we'd still be the best of friends, right?"

I retract my head away from his shoulder and look at him odd. He's not normally like this.

"Why are you like this all of a sudden?"

His chin's almost grazing my cheek as our synchronized dancing grow slower. He does a little shrug. "We're off to different colleges in a few months. I'm used seeing you around almost everyday I don't know how it feels when you're gone." His faces scrunches. "Wait, that sounds cheesy."

I laugh a little. "Yes, it does sound kinda cheesy."

"But I'm serious. Nothing will happen to us, right?"

Smiling, I reply, "Of course, Junhoe. You'll always be my best bud."

Somehow, my rebellious heart seem to disagree.

//

"Are you ready to go?"

I open my eyes at mom's statement. I see the woman before me, a reflection of mine, all dolled-up wearing a lovely white dress. But her eyes look different. Among the soft palettes of pink and black, hidden among the eyeshadow are things that have long haunted her.

Mom's glowing in her pink hanbok and I wish I can be the same. She places her hands on top of my shoulders, rubbing them a little while staring back at me in the mirror. She catches the look in my eyes but doesn't say anything.

"Come on, let's get in the car. Don't want to be late in your own wedding."

I give my reflection one last look before I stand up. Mom leads me out of the parlor, assists me down a few steps outside, and opens the wedding car waiting for us. I'm halfway ducking my head when I catch the song playing in the stereo.

"When the clouds veil the sun afar and you're alone, please tell me; then I'll comfort you."

My grip on my dress tightens. It's his favorite song, the song he sang in my ears one summer's day at his grandfather's.

"Even if you're in a faraway place, I'll always run to you."

The memory takes a toll on me, whirring and flashing in my head all at once that I can't do anything but to embrace it and close my eyes. I can still feel his hands on my skin as if the warmth never left, his smiling eyes, and quirking lips, permanently etched in the fabric of my mind. Placing my hand on my chest, my heart feels being stomped all over again.

"Chaeyoung?"

Mom's question echoes at the back of my mind. I open my eyes, shake my head, and try to keep it together. My whole body shakes as I guide myself in the car. A part of me never wants to but I, of all people, should know how miserable it is to follow such thoughts.

The backseat of the car is a frizzled mess of piled chiffon. I can't breathe and I know it's not because of the corset or the dress or anything for that matter. I don't have the strength to tell the driver to change the station because a little part of me wants to cling on that particular memory, even for a day such as today.

The door slams close as soon as mom gets on. I lean my head on the car window, never minding if the foundation will wear off, never minding anything at all at this point.

This is my fate. This is what I chose.

//

Junhoe and I chose colleges two train stations apart. He decides to live in a dorm near his college because the commute is stressing him out. That and because his family has the money to do so. Me? I still go home to the sweet smell of mom's cooking and dad's stinky socks taken out after a tiring day of work.

My best friend and I meet up at Luigi's once a week, a bistro serving one hell of a pasta. Usually, it's Wednesdays because it's when his mornings are vacant and it's time for me to go to school. Our high school classmates say that we can't keep up this friendship once we go to college. I'd like to shove their opinions up their asses because clearly, we're nowhere near that, are we?

Still, the fact that our world is getting bigger with networks of friends shouldn't be ignored. He meets some cool new friends while I also have my own. Sometimes it gets busy that we can't meet up for Wednesdays but at least one of us makes up for it, either by staying over at another's house to eat lunch, or by having a quick coffee break at a local coffee shop.

I'm starting to become aware that my hangouts with Junhoe involve a lot of food.

As to these... feelings I have romantically for Junhoe, I've come to terms with it. It doesn't mean that I'm going to make a move anytime soon. No, the real Park Chaeyoung shoves these feelings under the rug until the end of time. It's wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. Junhoe's not even a catch, what the hell's wrong with me? So like a sickness, I decide to let it be, hoping that it'll go away soon. Maybe it's just because I haven't been around boys much and my heart, wanting to settle on a target, settles on the closest one to me. Or maybe Cupid's just on crack. This'll go away, eventually. I hope.

"This is Donghyuk," Junhoe introduces as he tilts his chin slightly towards the young man beside him. "We have the same major so for the most part, we share lots and lots of classes."

I hold back from rolling my eyes at Junhoe's exaggeration, afraid I'm going to set a bad first impression with the new guy.

Donghyuk waves, his shoulders rising for a quick second, and flashes me a smile. His jet-black hair looks lighter with sunshine passing through the windows of Luigi's. His straight bangs cover most of his eyebrows, tips trimmed neatly in one line. After the smile slips out of his face, his eyes look sharper, like it has the capacity to pierce one's soul. There's an intelligent glint hidden beneath them and with the way he carries himself, I know it's not far from wrong.

Now Junhoe flicks his wrist in one lazy motion in front of me. "This is Chaeyoung, my best friend."

The way he says the words 'best friend' sends pleasant chills through my spine. I hide a smile.

"Nice to meet you," I say politely.

"Likewise."

After small talks of what's your major? how did you meet? how many years have you've known each other?, we're moving to topics comfortable enough for laughter to be involved. It's the first time Junhoe invites someone to eat with us and I see why Donghyuk's a pass. He's a warm person overall, someone who can charm you with his wit in twenty minutes. That, or as Junhoe jokes, Donghyuk lets him copy his notes whenever he misses a class.

Somehow, the conversation shifts to my personal life, my love life, in particular. Donghyuk's halfway done sipping his pineapple juice when he says, "If you don't mind me asking, is your boyfriend comfortable with Junhoe? You having a boy best friend, I mean."

Junhoe sharply turns his head at his friend and stops scooping rice on his bowl altogether.

I blink repeatedly. "What boyfriend?"

"Oh, sorry but uh... you look like you have one. I mean, a pretty girl like you... you must be chased by a lot of guys."

I wave him off and let it slide, for now. Junhoe continues eating his food. "None taken. I'm actually single."

"What?" Donghyuk says. His eyes widen for a second then narrows at me. "You're kidding. Really?"

I don't miss the pleasant surprise hidden beneath those words. Okay, I may not be an expert in flirting but that sounds like a smooth way in finding out if someone's single or not without being direct about it.

Junhoe throws his arms up. "Damn it, Dong, stop being weird!"

The aforementioned chuckles. "I'm not." I notice how his voice rises a little at the last word. "But hey, you're single too, right?" He turns to me. "Junhoe may not mention this but a lot of girls ask me for his number. It's an ongoing mystery in the campus—Ow!"

Donghyuk's knee comes in contact with the table under us so it creates a soft thud. Meanwhile, Junhoe's sending looks of daggers at him.

I snort, although I do admit, finding that other girls ask for Junhoe's number hurts a little. "And did you give them what they ask for?"

"That's exactly not a bro thing to do, unless they're really hot—Ow! Junhoe!"

"Can you do me a favor and just shut up?"

"Just sayin'. College, man. Remember 'bout that pretty Japanese girl we met on that party?"

"Not interested," Junhoe grumbles.

"Wh – what girl?" I ask. I inwardly curse for stuttering.

"Some girl's interested in him. Said girl's really really, like ten out of ten pretty, but he doesn't give her a chance. I think he's blind. Wait." Donghyuk stops, turning slightly so that he's facing Junhoe. "Don't tell me you're playing for the other team?"

"What the , Donghyuk?"

We laugh at that.

After eating, Donghyuk says goodbye while Junhoe walks me to the train station. It's only three blocks away from the bistro, so really, it's a perfect meeting place for the both of us.

My cheeks feel warm. The autumn weather is still transitioning from the summer heat. We try to walk under the shade of trees we pass along the sidewalk, hoping it'll give momentary relief.

"So... Donghyuk's an interesting one," I begin, footsteps slowly synching with his.

"He always is, that's why he's my friend. You know... your new friends are free to hang with me too."

"Why? So I can hook you up with a date from a pretty friend?"

"It's not that..."

"Then what is it?"

"Just... this and that..."

I fold my arms as soon as I stop walking. He stops too. "I'm getting a lot of weird vibes here. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"You trail off when you're hiding something from me," I counter, squinting my eyes at him, daring him to deny it.

"Fine." He pockets his hands and looks down on the pavement as he kicks off some dust. He's shrugging. "I don't know. Suddenly, it's not high school anymore where we're practically together all the time. Maybe I don't want to exclude you in everything I'm up to, is that weird?"

I fight off the smile threatening to break out on my face. That's actually... kinda sweet of him.

"Just admit it; you miss having me around," I say to mask any indication that I'm actually melting over his words.

I thought he'd bicker with me on that one but now he's back on his usual self when he grins. "Hell yeah I do."

Everything feels okay at that point. At least, to a certain extent. A little part of me hopes that he's having the same crazy days I'm having, that somewhere in his heart, he also sees me more than his best friend. Every single day, I do, because it'll hurt a little when you cling for that tiny speck of hope, right? The rational me says it'll never be possible. The crazy me says he makes me feel special, that's why I'm hopelessly in love with him. Or is it because I'm so close to him that I feel special?

Most of the times, it's so confusing that I feel that my head's going to explode. All the love songs are about him and when I see couples with love in their eyes, I imagine Junhoe doing those things with me. Sometimes, it feels so real that I can feel his warmth on my hands or that electrifying feeling of him saying those three precious words. It's just all in my head but it makes me so giddy. It's him that I first think about when I wake up in the morning and only him when I go to sleep at night.

The sad part is, fiction will never be reality because life doesn't work that way. Who am I kidding? He isn't mine in the first place.

Here's what I learned growing up; life will always be unpredictable. Suddenly, the world I built, a world consisting of Junhoe and me, crumbles in a flash. Junhoe tells me has fallen in love with someone. Someone who isn't me.

We're in our favorite bistro, only it's not just the two of us. He's sitting across me, a black-haired beauty beside him. My gaze keeps on traveling towards their intertwined hands on the table and no matter how much I tell myself to look away, I can't. I can't because the reality has never dawned on me until then.

The lively chatter of the bistro fades away in my ears. The only thing I can hear is the sound of my heart breaking.

"I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Mina."

I wish he dropped the bomb after we ordered so that I can have something to sip on to. My throat feels dry and the lump stuck there isn't helping. Why do I feel so miserable? I should expect this would happen anytime soon.

Junhoe in a relationship has never bothered me before. He had two non-serious relationships during high school, both ended miserably since the girls became too attached to him and he doesn't want that—at least during those times. We're young and most of the times, we don't really know what we want.

After those relationships, he put his dating life to a rest, at least, until Myoui Mina came.

Short hair has never looked good on a woman until I saw her. Her wide eyes shine more when she smiles. It's obvious she doesn't wear any make-up, except for the pinkish gloss on her lips. She's beautiful, like a precious porcelain doll everyone takes care of in fear a beauty like that breaks.

They look great together. Most of all, he looks happy.

"I thought you're never gonna get a girlfriend," I manage to say, despite feeling that my insides are tearing to shreds. I swallow again and when I do that, the lodge in my throat becomes more painful.

He sends me a dirty look while Mina lightly laughs. I hate how her laugh sounds like a beautiful melody, something that Junhoe must love hearing. The mere thought of that makes me die a little inside.

I want to run away but I can't, stuck on thinking how they're perfect for each other.

I see the way Junhoe looks at her. It's something I've never seen before, even with me. He's looking at her like she's made of a million stars and more. The thought that he can look at her but never with me makes me feel horrible at the pit of my stomach.

I'll never be that girl.

//

"We're here."

Mom opens the car door and helps me when she's out. The hotel before us looks grand beyond compare. It's like a palace from my dreams, often what I'd watch in fairytales. Something strikes my chest, probably regret, when I realize I'll never experience the kind of fairytale I've always wanted. It's a string of bad decisions and chances I didn't take back when I had everything under my control.

The wedding coordinator leads us in the waiting room and the both of them falls into chatter, something about little details with the wedding. The small room has a vintage royal sofa in the middle, under a circular pedestal lit in white. Two tall vases stand on both sides of the sofa and I regret requesting for lavender because it's filling up the room with its scent, scent that makes me remember of him.

Mom leaves to greet guests entering the wedding hall outside. I take a seat on the royal sofa and the scent of lavender grows stronger. The silence isn't helping. The more I think about it, the more I feel pity for the man I'm going to marry today. He doesn't deserve this when all he ever does is give me love I know I can never give back.

The door opens and I thought it's too purposive for it to be mom. Instead, dressed in pink maxi dresses, are my friends from the same department back in college, Jisoo, Jennie, and Lisa. The room is full of chatter as soon as they arrive.

"Oh my gosh, you look so beautiful!"
"Pretty Chaeng..."
"Let's take a picture together!"

Jisoo and Lisa rushes to occupy the empty space on both of my sides, Lisa holding out her favorite camera. Jennie shakes her head but joins us anyway by sitting beside Jisoo. We give our best smiles in front of the lens and I hope mine looks sincere enough. The last thing I want is for them to notice something's off with me. I think it's not working when Jisoo pokes my cheek, prompting me to look at her.

"You alright?"

I give her a tight-lipped smile. "Never been better."

"You know you still have an hour to back out," Jennie chides in.

Chuckling, I say, "Are you suggesting that I run away from my own wedding?"

Jennie shrugs. "It's what we always tell you. Marriage is a big commitment. If you're still not ready, then don't do it."

Lisa sets aside the camera and wraps her arms around me. "Oh shush, Jen. Stop spreading negativity with today's bride."

"I just want what's best for Chaeng," Jennie explains. "We all know that even though she's marrying a hunk, her heart's always set with—"

"Jen!" Jisoo interrupts, rolling her eyes a little. "It's her wedding day. Stop being like that."

"I'm just telling the truth."

I stay silent at my friend's words. Jennie doesn't sugarcoat her words and I respect that. I guess I have it coming. It's my wedding day yet I'm here stuck in the past, regrets piling up like it did years ago. I'm not happy and I wonder if I'll ever be happy if I insist taking this path. My husband-to-be is everything I could ask for but everything I don't want. He can make me happy but never fulfilled. And I think that's the worst part. I'm sacrificing another's chance to be equally happy with someone else with my attempt to escape what I should've done a long time ago.

During the silence, the door opens, revealing my husband-to-be in his crisp well-tailored suit. His eyes are only on me, flashing me his famous bunny smile as he removes his hand from the doorknob.

"Mind if I have a few minutes alone with my bride?" Jungkook asks nicely.

//

People always make decisions every single day for the rest of their lives. Mine isn't on the brink of life or death but I guess not doing something about it kills me everyday.

Maybe if I've been a little brave, maybe if I didn't think of the consequences I would've made, maybe if I just thought about my feelings for once...

But I didn't. At the end of the day, he's my best friend. Feelings aren't supposed to be thrown in the mix. It's better being a coward than to strain our friendship, right?

I try my hand at dating for the first time. Maybe this can actually work, you know? By taking my mind off of him, I'd do myself a favor and forget everything. It's time for me to stop turning down every single guy just because I'm too hung up on my best friend.

I met this guy working at a coffee shop near my university. His workplace became my go-to coffee shop and I always see him working behind the register. After about a few meetings, he musters the courage to ask me out on a date. I accept his offer. I mean, nothing's wrong about it, right?

He's extremely nice, unlike Junhoe who always teases me about everything. He's a real gentleman too. Junhoe slams the door in my face, always stole my umbrella during high school when it'd rain, sneezes in front of me and I can go on and on to prove he's not a gentleman.

"I'm so sorry about this," Jungkook says when we enter inside his dormitory building. He's clutching a black plastic bag on his right hand. "My roommate's sick. Girlfriend's out of town so he doesn't have anyone."

I shake my head, shaking off dusts of snow we pick up from outside. "It's nothing." I pocket my hands inside my parka and look around. "You live at the same building with my best friend by the way."

He turns his torso to face me as we go up the stairs. "Really? Your best friend's a... boy then? Because this is a boys' dormitory."

"Yeah. I'd drop by from time to time whenever he'd whine about his girlfriend." I want to roll my eyes at my last sentence.

"Oh," Jungkook says in response. It's a bit dry but his tone tells me he's kind of relieved.

We stop going up the stairs when we arrive on the third floor. Junhoe lives on the same floor too. When we arrive in front of a unit, I hold back a curse, afraid Jungkook's going to be turned off when he finds out I'm not exactly the nice girl he thinks I am.

Jungkook unlocks the door and strolls inside the small studio room. "Junhoe, here's the medicines and soup you wanted."

"Thanks, man," Junhoe replies in a raspy tone, too buried in his sheets at his own bed. My best friend rises from the bed to settle in a sitting position. He looks like a mess. His hair's ten times unruly and he's rivaling Rudolph just in time for the brightest red nose.

I'm frozen on the spot. This is too much of a coincidence. Junhoe notices me standing by the doorway, moves his gaze from me to Jungkook, then narrows his eyes, like I betrayed him or something. I look down, unable to maintain his accusing gaze.

Jungkook moves piled dirty plates and take-out boxes on the study table located at the foot of Junhoe's bed. He takes the things out of the plastic bag after. "Oh yeah. Chaeyoung, meet my roommate, Junhoe—"

"Chae, what the hell?"

"Uh, you two know each other?"

"He's my best friend." / "She's my best friend."

We look at each other.

"Oh," Jungkook says again.

So Jungkook's the new roommate. The old one moved out right after he graduated and Junhoe had the unit all to himself until two weeks ago. It's probably why I haven't seen him yet.

I gather the strength to enter the room and close the door behind me. The coldness I feel gradually subside as I take in the warm air from the heater. Now that I find out who's living at the other side of Junhoe's, I observe everything more closely. The left side, belonging to Jungkook, looks a little empty. Junhoe's side screams 'Junhoe' everywhere. When there's litter, it's enough to describe my best friend. Clothes are strewn at the foot of his bed, some on top of his dresser located in the middle of the two beds, and the band posters on his side of the wall are skewed, like Junhoe's not even making an effort to keep it aligned with each other.

The distinction is obvious. Junhoe's side generally looks black and white while Jungkook leans more on blue, kinda like what the ocean looks on a good day. To save space, Jungkook has a raised bed, under it a neat study desk arranged with lots of books, a study lamp, and a calendar, some dates stuck with yellow sticky notes. His own dresser is backed up at the outer wall of the comfort room. I spot thick gloves, arm and knee pads on top of the dresser and a clean football on the ground beside it.

Jungkook excuses himself to buy a bottle of water at the vending machine out of the hall. My best friend and I use this opportunity to talk, although with how our conversation's going, it's more of an argument.

Junhoe now has his arms crossed but I don't let it intimidate me as I plop at the edge of his bed. "Why didn't you tell me you're sick?"

Junhoe sends a glance at the door. "You were going on a date, duh."

"Still..."

"Wait. Did you know he's my roommate?"

"I didn't know. Swear." I shake my head. "You should've told me you're sick."

"I texted you earlier if you're busy and you said you have a date." He spits the word 'date' like it's poison.

"If I knew, I would've cancelled."

"That's exactly why I didn't tell you in the first place. Which reminds me..." He pinches his nose so that snot will come out of it to wipe on my arm.

I flinch away. "Ew! What the hell?" I wipe the snot away on his shirt. Ugh. He's forever disgusting. I don't know why the hell I'm in love with him, seriously.

"You are prohibited from going out with my roommate."

"I'm a grown adult. I can date whoever I want."

"I prohibit this relationship. No, Chae. You cannot date him. I'm against this!"

I want to laugh at him because his voice sounds funny, with his blocked nose and all, but we're arguing. Instead, I rival his glare with one of mine. "Well, you didn't hear me objecting when you introduced Mina."

"Look, I know Jungkook, okay? He's nice and all and you'll fall for him immediately—"

"Isn't that the point why we're dating?"

"—You didn't let me finish. What I'm trying to say is, you should stay away from guys like him. He's going to make you fall in love. Hard."

Oh my gosh. What the hell's wrong with him?

Not in the mood to curse him out, I raise an eyebrow. "Do you have a problem in the head or what?"

The door opens and in comes Jungkook, effectively cutting off our conversation. He places the water bottle on top of Junhoe's dresser and picks up the cup of soup from his table. "Here's your soup..."

And in a flair only Junhoe can do, he slides back down on the bed and flicks the covers over his head. "Stop being nice, damn it!"

Jungkook and I exchange glances. Unable to give excuses for my best friend, I shrug and get off the bed. "Let's just leave."

Junhoe's being a jerk and Jungkook doesn't deserve it. Seriously, what's up his ?

A vicious cough is heard underneath the sheets. Junhoe sounds like he's dying of over-coughing and that his lungs are gonna project out of his mouth. I roll my eyes. I've known my best friend long enough to differentiate his real coughs from the fake ones. Jungkook's falling for it though. He places the bowl on the bedside table to remove the covers over my best friend's head.

"Junhoe?"

"I think... I'm... dying..." Junhoe says in between coughs.

I massage my head. A real, living headache is in front of me doing his best being that, a headache.

Jungkook picks up the bowl again, this time scooping some soup and holds it in front of Junhoe. "Eat first so you can drink your medicine."

"I'm fine. Go on with your date—"

"You sure?"

"No! I'm sick as hell, Jungkook. You're seriously leaving a sick man behind?"

"Well, no but—"

"Then you'll stay. That okay with you, Chae?"

"Do I look like I have a choice?" I grumble.

My date with Jungkook has been cancelled, courtesy of Junhoe being high-maintenance. I don't know how Jungkook puts up with my best friend. Seeing him every day is one thing but sharing a room? That's crazy. Junhoe has too many antics to handle.

It may be a blessing in disguise. We bonded over babysitting a sick Junhoe. He showed me his football memorabilia. He's also a huge fan of Park Jisung, someone who inspired him to get into football actually. I learn he's also part of his college football team as a midfielder. Jungkook says midfielders don't need to worry about gaining weight because they run like crazy on the field.

He actually showed me one cool trick of dribbling the ball with his ankle and foot, which Junhoe stopped because the bouncing's making his head ache.

A few days later, even if Junhoe's strongly against it (meaning he's blasting me with texts, citing reasons why Jungkook's too good for me), Jungkook and I went on a date at this nice restaurant downtown.

"So... is he a bad date or what?"

It's the first question my best friend asks me one Saturday afternoon in our living room. He's sprawled over the couch, eating chips on a bowl while I'm cross-legged in front of the coffee table, right hand clutching my sketch pad and the other busy lines with pencil.

It's an assignment long overdue in my Advanced Drawing class that I've procrastinated the whole week. I'm supposed to bring a sketch with a still life theme and what better model do I have but Junhoe? Even when he's just sitting, it's already full of life.

My major's not as fancy as Junhoe's Nursing or Jungkook's Physical Therapy but it's something that I see myself doing after college. Drawing has always been my passion. It took a lot of time to convince my parents that though.

"He's the perfect date, a gentleman," I reply. "Dreamy, lovable, and handsome..."

He shoves a handful of chips on his mouth and says in a garbled way because of the chewing, "Every guy's perfect on the first date. It's what we're programmed to do to secure a second one."

I see him gulp down the chips like, who cares about chewing, right? Junhoe continues, "Trust me, he wants to jam his tongue down your throat hard."

"Okay, a gross thought but Junhoe," I put down the sketch pad to give him a pointed look. "—you're forgetting not everyone's like you."

My best friend shrugs. "I'm telling the truth. Some guys may have a lower drive but a drive is a drive."

Oh my gosh. "Why are we having this conversation again?"

"To annoy you and to give you a reminder that everyone, even the nicest ones, have a little bit of ert in them."

I give up the sketch altogether, distracted enough with the trash coming out of Junhoe's mouth.

"Don't pair Jungkook with the likes of you. He's nice, and charming, and dreamy..."

He scoffs. "Guy's not a saint, Chae. Do you know what type of he's into?"

"Well, considering that I know you're into those weird things, nothing surprises me anymore."

He raises his head from the armrest to look at me. "Seriously? That doesn't faze you? At all?"

I roll my eyes. "Guys watch all the time. It's normal."

"Hm." He leans his head back on the armrest. "Mina even cringes at the '' word."

That alarms me for a reason. "Why is the word '' brought up in your conversation in the first place?"

"We're nursing students, Chae." He throws a lone chip on me that hits my forehead. I glare at him. "Geez, why are you so dirty-minded?"

"What's up your that you're on the prowl for Jungkook anyway?"

"Because..." Junhoe gives me a lazy stare, like the answer's too obvious and that I'm stupid enough not to pick up on it. "It's weird to see my best friend and roommate date."

My cross-legged position's killing me so I stand up, feeling the painful but at the same time tingly feeling running on my legs so I shake them a little. I go over Junhoe's bowl of chips to munch on some. After chewing it properly (I'm not a beast like Junhoe), I retort, "You know, rather than picking on my love life, why don't you mind your own?"

He averts his gaze from me. It looks like I hit a nerve. Something's wrong. Now that I think about it, Junhoe's not mentioning Mina as much as he does in the past.

I coerce the truth out of him but he doesn't budge. It must be something huge that he's not willing to share it, even with his best friend. The coercing part may not be successful that day but when we go to Goseong to visit grandpa, I somehow figure the reason why.

Grandpa's terribly sick and bedridden, something that can't be helped because of his age. My best friend and I, along with his parents, head down there during our short Christmas break.

The sky is a gradient of azure and amber as the sun settles down to its slumber. The once lavender fields are now packed with layers of snow and it's wishful thinking that I see those violets once again. The floorboard creaks with every step Junhoe makes, fumbling around, searching for the switch to turn on the red and green LED lights strewn all over exterior of the house. Something clicks and I lift myself up from leaning against a beam in the porch just in time to see the lights turn on. I smile a little as I catch a childish smile on Junhoe's face.

"It's sad that grandpa's spending Christmas on his bed," I comment as my best friend settles at the other end of the beam, only that he's propping himself up so he's sitting on the ledge.

He shrugs. "I think he's living the life. We've been busy moving around too much that all I wanna do is lie down and sleep the semester away."

"You're right," I respond, laughing a little.

We fall into silence. It's the type of silence we've grown accustomed with, not because we can't say anything but to drown in a moment where words aren't needed.

The orange hues has long decreased to give way for cerulean and it's only a matter of time before it'll fade away. Overhead, I catch glimpses of red and green blinking in happy intervals.

I breathe a little easier. It's like the good old days comprised of lovely summer heat, 80's music, and fresh earth scent. I feel like I'm two years younger and my only thought is to shower to get the soil off my skin. No Mina, no Jungkook, just us against the world, like it has always been.

These past days, whenever I see Junhoe with Mina, I feel like walls are closing in on me and I can't breathe. It's unbearable and the only way to save myself out of that mess is to stop seeing them both altogether. Dating doesn't help. It makes it worse. I'm always comparing Jungkook to Junhoe, of the things that Junhoe does and doesn't do or say, and it's horrible how I'm thinking of another man when Jungkook's being perfect, too perfect.

Then when it feels like the world hasn't crashed, Junhoe drops a bomb, never knowing how big of an impact it deals with me.

"I applied for a student exchange program in Japan. Kobe, specifically. Mina's hometown. She's going back over the break to continue her studies there." My head whips at his direction, just in time to see wisps of fog cloud the front of his mouth. "If all goes well, I'll be leaving sometime late March."

I don't realize I've been hanging onto every word until I feel myself getting breathless. Instead of the common well wishes, I mutter, "You're leaving us." I intend to use 'me' instead of 'us' but it feels like it doesn't matter anymore.

A bitter smile paints across his lips. "Things have been rocky between me and Mina. It'd be good if we don't try the long distance relationship part. For a while, at least."

"You really love her, do you?"

"She makes me happy."

"And that's what's important," I say, gaze back on the fields, hoping that he doesn't hear me choke on the last word.

When Junhoe invites me dancing on that same spot where we danced three summers ago, I don't hesitate to take his offer. I cling onto him like I'm afraid he'll disappear forever. I don't say anything in his arms, mulling over the fact that he makes me think he's feeling the same.

The same song is playing but the feeling isn't the same anymore. Instead, I know it'll only remind me of Junhoe and everything he is.

//

"You look great," I say as the awkwardness settles on the both of us for a reason I don't know.

Jungkook's rocking back and forth on his heels, hands shoved in his pockets, a nervous habit he picks up right before he'll do or say something. He did that when he first asked me out.

He smiles, but this time, it doesn't reach his eyes. "Thanks. I was gonna say it first but uh... you look great too."

I pat the space beside me. "Kookie, please sit down. You're making me nervous too." The last part's untrue but anything to catch his attention.

He jolts a little as if my words snapped him to reality. "Yeah, right... right..."

Jungkook sits beside me. I don't know if it's normal but he's doing this little quirks, like he's scratching the back of his ear for the nth time or that he's looking at anywhere but me. As I observe closer, I sense he's conflicted about something else.

"What's wrong?"

"Chaeyoung, I... I..."

He doesn't continue. Instead, he holds my cheeks. He has a pair of stunning eyes and they prove to be so when I'm compelled not to speak.

"...I love you," he whispers before he leans in to capture my lips. I close my eyes, not minding how it'll ruin my lipstick for later because I feel how much he needs this. There's desperation and longing in his movements. Just the thought that I can taste those in his lips makes me feel more terrible.

My hands make their way to the front of his tuxedo jacket, crumpling it a little to haul him closer to me. He does a low growl under his throat when I do so. I thought he did that because he's responding positively to me. It's only when I feel something warm dropping on my cheeks that I realize he's choke up.

We're getting married but why does it feel like goodbye?

He parts away from me and leans his forehead on mine, little pants mingling with my own. "I'm sorry."

I shake my head as I wipe away his tears. I may not know why he's acting like this but I don't want to see him cry.

"Can you please tell me what's wrong? Jungkook..."

He shuts his eyes tight, the corners of his lips pulled down. "I'm calling off the wedding."

//

Jungkook and I have been silent over the trip back from the airport. He knows something's wrong with me but doesn't say anything. We agree to stay in his dorm and I see how it's a bad thing because I'm staring at the empty walls once littered with Junhoe's messy posters, the mattress once covered with his black comforter, and his messy study table with piles of trash and dishes long forgotten.

I sit at the sheet-less bed while Jungkook goes to the kitchen to brew us some coffee. He returns minutes after with two steaming cups, strong caffeine wafting in the air. He outstretches his hand and gives me one. Muttering a silent thanks, I take it, indulging myself in the bitter taste. It keeps me alert but it's not enough to take my mind off things.

Jungkook sits on the empty space beside me. "You know... you can talk to me, right?"

I swallow the lump in my throat and place the mug on top of the empty dresser. Tucking some strands of hair behind my ear, I hug my knees close to my chest.

"I have a confession. Promise you'll not judge me?"

He nods.

"I don't think it'll ever work out, you and me, I mean. I tried forgetting him but nothing's working out. No matter what I do, he's always there, like a pest I can't get out of my head. Even if I know he's in love with someone else, why does my heart still want him? I never want him to leave, Jungkook. Is that selfish of me?"

He doesn't respond, sensing that I have a lot of things to say.

"I think of him a lot, you know? Every single night, I think how it must feel nice if I'm the one he's holding. I want to be that girl badly, but I'm not because I'm not as beautiful and nice as her. I'll never ever, be her."

The smell of faint cherry blossoms lingers with coffee as I feel his arms around me. "You're beautiful. It you can't see that yourself."

I look down. No matter what he says, I feel unworthy. I can't ever match up with Mina. Maybe that's why I don't stand a chance with Junhoe. Only someone like him is destined to be with someone like her. Junhoe may be messy and does a lot of talking than thinking but he has a golden heart. He cares a lot about people more than he should. It's his secret, that's why he took up nursing, because of his desire to take care of people in need. He may be the last person on earth to think of such things and that's why he hides it so much, because the world doesn't think he'll ever be that kind of person.

And Mina... how can I even think of comparing myself to her? She's perfect in so many ways that I'm not. She does charity work to support children with special needs. She's so nice and pretty and so... wife material. I curse out loud, I mistakenly hurt people, like Jungkook who has been nothing but nice to me.

I don't realize I'm crying until I feel Jungkook's thumb grazing my cheek. I look up at him but he just gives me a reassuring smile. And then the tears keep on coming. I put my legs down and bury my head on his chest, my fists curled tightly around his sweater, trying to hide the hiccups escaping me but failing miserably.

When I lean away after I think it's okay, Jungkook gives me a soft smile. There's something about it that's attracting me to him. I don't know what it is but right now, my mind's telling me to kiss him, so I do.

I close my eyes. It's our first kiss, done quite clumsily because it's also my own first. I'm a jumbled mess of emotions so I don't let it deter me. My hands clutch on his sweater again, desperate to keep him close. He leans in, reciprocating just as much by holding me on the waist.

I know it's Jungkook but why do I want him to be Junhoe?

Something thuds on the carpeted floor. I open my eyes just in time to see another luggage fall, slipping away from the owner's hand. The door's open and I see Junhoe standing there. I quickly pull away from Jungkook's lips. He's disoriented but I don't find it in me to care at the moment.

"Junhoe?" he asks as he follows my gaze. He looks down on his watch, his eyes widening. "You missed your flight!"

"I... I forgot something. It's more important than that." Junhoe's gaze goes to me for a while but then shakes his head. "Never mind. I have to go."

He begins to wheel all of his luggage in the hall and Jungkook stands up, offering to help, but he holds out a hand and says in a sharp tone, "Don't help." Shaking his head, he begins more gently, "I'm sorry... I... Just stay away, okay?"

And Jungkook does stay away. I'm frozen on my own spot, too numb to move. I watch Junhoe's figure disappear in the view the doorway can provide me. The heavy sound of the wheels fade out, until I can't hear anything anymore.

It's the last I ever saw of Junhoe again. He's expected to return after a year, but he doesn't.

extremely unedited, fresh off the drafts, lots of grammar mistakes. sorry! will edit after everything ends.

//

Grandpa wants me to visit him. He says if I delay visiting further, the next time I'll see him is at his funeral. I tell him don't scare me like that and I hate to say this, but it's effective. The Koo's have some scary tactics, okay?

I clear my schedule for the Saturday. Normally, I'd be holed up in the studio, brainstorming and creating pieces for an art showcase I'm set to do in two months. It may be nothing fancy since my works are also featured with other artists, but it's something.

I bring Jungkook along because I need a free ride. Also because I don't think I'll be able to handle it by going to a place full of memories of him. The him who leaves me cold like I don't matter in the first place.

Jungkook parks the car in front of the familiar bungalow of red roof and white walls. "This is it, right?"

I nod. "Yeah."

He turns off the engine and gets the key out of the ignition. "You sure it's okay for me to tag along?"

"Of course," I reply. "Grandpa loves meeting new people. Plus, I'd love it if he meets you too."

After unbuckling the seatbelts, we get out of the car, relishing in the cool September air the place can only provide. It's a lot colder than I think it is and I turn to Jungkook, asking, "You cold?"

He's wearing a black pea coat over his sweater and button-down shirt, a dark denim that's folded at the bottom because of the bean boots. He doesn't seem like the type to be easily cold with his somewhat buffy build, but he does.

"No. You?"

I look at my own clothing; jean jacket, striped tee, black joggers, and white sneakers. It's too thin for the weather but I'd prefer it if Jungkook doesn't fuss about it. He'll give me his coat if that happens. "I'm good."

Nothing much has changed around here, except for the crops in the fields maybe. I see barren lots ready to be planted with seeds and some plants I can't recognize since they're still in a budding state.

We walk towards the front door. My knuckle is halfway in contact to the door when my eyes wander to the scratched symbol below the doorknob.

I run my thumb through it, feeling the texture of a heart and a smirking face carved on it. Junhoe and I carved them ourselves with a knife stolen from the kitchen because we were bored one afternoon. No one knows it except us. It's still here...

When I feel Jungkook's eyes on me, I decide to compose myself. Here I am again, thinking about him when all he does is forget about me. The thought leaves my tongue bittersweet and as a way of coping, I finally knock on the door, hoping that Jungkook doesn't ask me being weird. He doesn't, thankfully and that's what I like about him. He doesn't ask things that makes me uncomfortable.

Ms. Jung opens the door, her face brightening when she sees me. The first thing I notice is her short curls, now dyed to brown. It makes her look young even though wrinkles are appearing on her face. The second thing is that she's wearing the floral apron I gave her last Christmases ago, albeit the print's fading. Without saying anything, she engulfs me in her chubby arms.

"Oh, Chaeyoung... I missed you so so much."

I giggle, crouching a little to adjust to her small height. "Ms. Jung... Can't breathe!"

"I told you; you should visit often!"

"Ms. Jung..."

She lets go of me, thankfully, when she notices Jungkook. I shake my head, relieved because I'm out of her death grip and also because she makes me feel at home again.

With a little smile, she greets, "Hello. Good afternoon."

Jungkook bows then goes on to give her a heart-stopping smile. "Good afternoon."

"He must be it, is it?"

"Yes, he is it," I reply, laughing a little at the way she puts it.

She steps back to give us room. "Well, come inside you two."

Jungkook and I remove our shoes at the front door. He slips into guest slippers while I wear my own pink fluffy ones. Hm. It's still here. I thought by now that they would've disposed it already.

"Jungkook, right?" Jungkook nods. "You can call me Ms. Jung." She turns to me. "Chaeyoung, can I borrow him for a bit? There are some apples in the backyard that need some harvesting. I'm sorry about this. It's for lunch."

I shrug. "That okay with you?"

"I'd love to," he replies with a smile on his face.

Before they disappear in the kitchen, Ms. Jung says, "He's at the porch, by the way."

"Okay. Thank you."

The porch is at the door opposite of the entrance and with the open windows, I see a figure sitting on the ledge. My brows knit together. Grandpa's too weak to sit at the ledge.

I go ahead and open the porch door anyway, thinking nothing of it. It creaks open and when it does, the figure turns around. A gasp escapes my lips. When our eyes met, I feel like I'm electrified.

"Junhoe?"

I want to ask, 'what are you doing here?' but then I remember he's the real grandson and he has every right to be here. Then the gears stop working in my head. Oh. This is what grandpa wants to happen all along, does he?

After graduating in Japan, Junhoe starts working at a children's hospital there. When he was still studying, he would go back to Korea during breaks but it's the first time I see him in the flesh. I know he was going back to Korea without telling me because when I visit his parents to ask what he's up to, I'd see souvenir in the house that can't be bought anywhere but from another country.

He angles his torso around, throws his legs the opposite so he's facing me. "Long time no see."

The heavy feeling in my chest feels heavier as soon as I see the person who's causing it. I thought I moved on from these feelings, because I know I locked them away somewhere where I know my mind can't linger on it, but I keep forgetting it's always there, reminding me I'm still the same old stupid person three years ago.

"Long time no see?" I repeat, unable to restrain myself. "Really? That's the first thing you say to me?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "I thought I'd say 'I'm sorry' first but I'm afraid you'll hate me more."

After closing the door behind me, I march in front of him, each steps feeling heavy over the other. I want to slap, punch, or kick him, anything to hurt him, but now that I see he's alive and well, I just want to hold him tight. Instead, I fold my arms to keep me from doing exactly that. He doesn't deserve my warmth.

"You know what, shove your sorry up your because I don't need it."

Junhoe purses his lips and it's a first, since the years I've known him, that he's speechless. It pushes me to be unstoppable, mouth bursting over the things I want to say a long time ago.

"How the hell can you live ignoring me for three years? The only time I hear from you is through your newsfeed or if I ask your parents. It's like the years we knew each other is nothing to you. Am I that to you, huh? Nothing? Because you sure as hell made me feel like one."

"It's not that—"

I hold a hand in front of him. "Stop interrupting me. I'm not done talking, okay?" My eyes are moistening but I blink just as fast for it to disappear. No, not in front of him. "You... I can't believe you. We're best friends, for crying out loud. How can you ing live with that? I'm out here in misery but you're too busy in Japan to care. Gosh, you're such an . If there's a contest for the worst best friend ever, you'd win it, hands down. Why am I even talking to you? You're not worth my time as much as I am to you, right?"

"Chae, listen—"

"No. Don't you ever call me that again. You stripped yourself from the privilege of doing that a long time ago. Congratulations, best friend, you earned it for keeping me in the dark all these years, for making me look stupid, for forgetting that I'm your best friend in the first place." I throw my hands up and wipe away the angry tears blurring my vision with the back of my hand. Damn it. I don't want to cry, especially in front of him. "You know what? I can't do this. I hope you're happy with your new life. Goodbye, Koo Junhoe."

People who treat me like trash should also be treated likewise. Facing him is the last thing I want to do right now. If I know this will happen, I shouldn't have come at all. Grandpa... I should've known.

Before I stride out of the backyard to tell Jungkook we're leaving, Junhoe holds my wrist.

Damn him and especially him. I have these hurtful words thrown at him and it only takes a single touch from him for me to forget I'm seething.

I turn around and snake my arms around his shoulders, my grip tight, never leaving any space left for him to go away. "I missed you so much, you stupid, stupid, fool."

Minutes after being in each other's arms, sobbing, mostly on my part, and Junhoe's quiet shushes in my ear, we're sitting together on the ledge, looking at the empty plots of the once lavender fields.

"I'm sorrry I'm such a jerk," Junhoe says after a while, fingers subconsciously tapping the railing between the middle of his legs in a rhythm I don't recognize.

"I know."

"I'm sorry for leaving you in the dark."

"Hm."

"Sorry for being an ."

"Glad you know that."

"Sorry for everything."

"Mhm."

"Come on, I'm trying here."

"What do you want me to do? I still hate you."

He sighs. He reaches over a big plastic bag behind him that's holed up in the corner and gives it to me. Even though I'm confused, I take it.

"Those are the presents I should've given to you a long time ago. Even if I was avoiding you, I still bought the things you would like from Japan. I thought it'd be a good peace-offering after I left so suddenly that day and..." Junhoe rubs his nape again, a habit of his that I discover just now. "Well, I didn't get to that part. It'd be a waste if I throw it away now, don't you think?"

I open the bag and my eyes go wide, seeing the multitude of items. There are different Kitkat flavors only available in Japan, authentic Japanese chocolates, tin cans which I suspect contain another type of delicacy, dove cookies, hair accessories, stationery, and I can probably find more if I take everything out.

I outstretch my hand to give him the bag. "Throw it away then."

He doesn't look surprised when I say that. He must probably expect it by now. Before he can grab hold of it though, I take it back. "If you seriously did that, I'll kill you."

I receive a chuckle from him.

"Is the food still good to eat?"

"I replaced them with new ones, don't worry."

"Good... Oh, and Junhoe?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you avoid me in the first place?"

He stops his rhythmic tappings, his hand hovering in mid-air, right when I ask that. It's like life pressed pause on him and he's frozen in place.

It's what I've been dying to ask all these years. He left after catching Jungkook and I kissing and all of a sudden, he doesn't answer my Kakaotalk chats, private messages, even the long-distance calls. It's like I'm completely wiped away from his life. I may do a lot of wrongdoings on my own but I don't deserve that. I know I don't deserve that.

I'm not naïve like some people think I am. I know why Junhoe avoided me. Just the thought that he's ready to throw away our friendship is the part I'm most bewildered. I did everything to honor that friendship yet here he is, crashing everything I took care of in a flash by forgetting about me.

He's still important to me as a best friend. Even though our story will not progress down a lovely road, at the end of the day, he's still my best friend. I hope he knew that before he stopped talking to me.

Junhoe's still not answering. Instead, his gaze goes past me. Following his line of vision, I see him looking at Jungkook up on a ladder propped against the trunk of one of the apple trees, with Ms. Jung on the ground. He has a basket clutched in his chest while a hand is busy working to pick fruits. They're far away but we can still see what they're doing.

"You're still with him."

I face Junhoe when he says that. He tries to conceal any emotion from showing in front of me as I see beneath those beautiful eyes an indifference I can't decipher. It's like he's in a distant world and I can't do anything to reach out, no matter how I try.

I try to push the feelings down that I thought was well buried a long time ago. Turns out, all it takes is for me to see him and it'll rise out of its grave.

This is wrong. I know I shouldn't be like this because this is wrong. Yet here I am.

"Yes," I reply, looking down on my dangling feet, gripping the rail like my life depends on it. "We're getting married in a few days."

"Oh."

"We're also here to give grandpa their wedding invitation."

There's only silence at his end. I don't dare look at him, fearing I'll see something I know will make me regret my decision forever.

It's too late to back out now. I already made my decision and nothing should change that, not even Junhoe. So I do what I have to do.

"I hope you don't come to my wedding."

Because I know, seeing him on my wedding will only make me stupidly wish it's him instead.

//

Saying 'yes' to Jungkook after he asks me to marry him is the most rational thing to do. It's the least I can do for everything he did for me. He has been there for me, giving and loving even if he knows he'll never completely have my heart. I try giving my everything to him, but it seems that a piece of me has always been with Junhoe.

I curse the cupid's arrows for pointing at him when I should've been happy with someone who is ready to drop everything for me. I thought I can learn to love someone else, but it doesn't work that way. Feelings are dangerous things to experiment with and if not handled with caution, a disaster such as my own story happens. There's a reason why the mind and heart can never agree on one thing. They are meant to disagree in the first place.

I thought Jungkook can achieve happiness when I agree to marry him. I should've known it'll only cause him more pain. He knows my past just as much as I do and knowing it all breaks him apart. I've been blind with everything that is happening around me that I fail to put his feelings first. I'm such a stupid fool for believing that it can be fixed by pretending everything's okay. It's only a matter of time before the lie crumbles.

So I understand why Jungkook wants to call off the wedding. We've been enclosed in our made-up fairytale we fail to see the reality, the reality that there can never be him and me.

I'm stupid. I should've known that from the start.

"You okay?" Donghyuk asks as his gaze shifts from the road to me, his face growing with a concerned look. He's wearing a tuxedo similar to Jungkook's, only that a black tie is in place with a bowtie. The first two buttons of his undershirt peeks a little bit of his skin, his tie loosely hanging around his neck.

"My wedding's just cancelled and you ask me that?" I can help but retort as I stop leaning my forehead on the car window. I shift uneasily on the passenger seat since the dress is making me hard to move on a one-seater. I should've changed before I went to Donghyuk's car but I'm afraid that'll only take more time. Any leisure time taken can be used for the parents to catch up to me and seeing their disappointment up-close is the last thing I want right now.

"Still the snarky one, I see."

One corner of my lips lift although he's already looking at the road for him to see that.

Donghyuk is one of the constants in my life after Junhoe introduced him to me. I know Junhoe still keeps in touch with him even if he's in Japan and unknowingly, I use Donghyuk to feel my selfish desire of knowing everything about him. He became one of my close friends because of that. He's a lot cooler actually than I take him credit for during our first meeting.

I look at the rush of trees out the window and bite my lips. "Am I doing the right thing?"

I feel him sparing me a glance. "It's better than making Jungkook suffer forever."

"I guess so.... But I'm just so guilty about it. He doesn't deserve this."

"Truthfully, he shouldn't have been mixed in the equation in the first place, but I guess he's also selfish in some ways."

"What do you mean?" I ask with somewhat of an accusatory tone behind it. He shouldn't think of Jungkook like that.

"He was still expecting you to love him and the last desperate attempt he did was ask you for marriage. Everyone can see you're still hung up on Junhoe. He should know that the most. But he still goes on to pretend nothing's wrong." He shakes his head. "It's just another tragedy."

Donghyuk stills for a moment, eyes looking sharper as he lights his turn signal and looks at the side mirror. The car slows down for a while when he takes a turn, normal speed gradually catching up after, and proceeds to his line of thought. "And honestly, this is what you and Junhoe need. That guy's done more damage to himself than you ever did to Jungkook."

"What?" I cry in response, slightly offended at his jab. But I know I deserve it.

He ignores me and continues, "He seeks a form of you in another woman, applied for a student exchange program even though he hates it just to get away from you and Jungkook, and ignored you for three whole years because he realized his feelings are too stupid to matter in the friendship equation. But really, if you ask me, it's because he realized he wanted nothing but sabotage your then-budding relationship with Jungkook. That's bad news, especially if he thinks he's sabotaging your chance to happiness too."

I stay silent, unable to take everything he says. I mean, now that he puts it that way, it sounds so... foreign and far-fetched.

"You're lying. He was in love with Mina. I saw it with my own two eyes," I argue because I know for sure I have a lot of things to counter his words.

Instead of him being offended, he asks, slightly surprised, "You didn't notice it?"

Confused at what he's getting at, I ask, "What?"

Donghyuk turns for a second to send me a slight smile. "Mina's exactly like you, minus the cursing of course. It's like picking second best because he can't have the best one."

The information catches me off-guard but I don't let it show. "That's stupid..."

He nods. "It is. If he was a little bit honest about himself, we shouldn't arrive to this conclusion by now. But that guy's one big indenial machine. I keep telling him he has the hots for his best friend but he just calls me delusional."

"You knew about it all the way back?"

"Kinda hard not to notice. He keeps sending you these stupid lovestruck look when you're too preoccupied with something, e.g. when you're drawing, when you're talking to someone else, when you're doing something besides focusing at him. Seriously, you don't notice that too?"

"How can I? I thought he was too in love with Mina."

"Ah... so that's what it is." He shakes his head again. "Goodness, you two are the biggest idiots I know."

"If you're put in the same situation, you'll know how it's not easy," I grumble to defend myself. "We're best friends for as long as I can remember. Our parents know each other too well. Hell, I'm so close to his grandpa to guarantee me a room in his house in the province. Confessing is not as easy as it sounds as it does for normal people. One mistake and everything crumbles like a house of cards."

"Ah, but you two are in love with each other. Everyone knows that, except the two of you, of course."

"I hate how you sound so much like a psychic right now."

"I'm not a psychic, more like pointing out the obvious, really."

"And saying it out loud doesn't make it anymore easier for me."

Donghyuk stays silent again, now 100% focusing on the road as it turns rocky. In the distance, I can see the bright red roof and white walls and everything just dawns on me then, that this is finally happening. I take in deep breaths, hoping it'll calm me down. My friend notices because in the middle of him maneuvering the car on the rocky road, he finds the time to say, "It'll all work out fine, I promise."

I nod and mutter a breathless, "Thanks."

After parking it in front of the house, my hand fumble to unclasp the seatbelt because it has been shaking so much. Donghyuk helps me by pressing the red button down himself and this time, I can't find my voice to thank him again. I open the car door, quite a feat in my frazzled state, white dress getting destroyed the moment I step on the dirt soil. I don't find it in me to care at the moment. Donghyuk shouts a, "Good luck!" behind me as I walk around the back because I know the person I want to see is there. And I'm right.

He has his back turned to me so he hasn't see me come yet. He's crouching somewhere at the backyard, in the middle of the basil and oregano, arm on top of his knees and the other busy pulling out grass, although in his preoccupied state, it's like he doesn't have the strength to pull it out and goes ahead to comb it with his fingers.

My heart lurches at the sight of him. The house is too quiet and I know it's because the occupants are in the wedding hall, probably now being confused as the other guests. By this time, I know the announcement has finally reached their ears.

I cup my mouth with my hands and shout, "Junhoe!"

He turns his head at my direction, features looking every bit startled, right before it changes to a surprised one. Junhoe stands up, unable to take in that I'm here, in the flesh. "Chaeyoung?"

I don't waste a moment as I stride towards him, gripping the lower part of my dress with much force I think I'm going to rip holes in it. I kick my heels out on the side, finding it hard to walk on the rocky road and go to him.

"What are you—"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence as I pull him to me and crash my lips on his. I close my eyes almost immediately and let myself melt in him. It's the first time I feel that reality is so much better than fiction. Junhoe stills, and a scary thought passes by that he doesn't like any of this, until I feel his arms go around my waist and the other, on my nape as he hauls me closer.

Every desperation and frustration I have all these years for him, I pour in the kiss. He's doing just as much because I feel it in his actions, with the way his lips glide, his hands roaming around my body, and how it feels so right against mine, like puzzle pieces clicking together. His lips don't feel soft as I expect them to. They're rough, but I like it.

We pull apart, foreheads leaning against one another. I see his gaze transfixed on my lips, like he wants to do it all over again. He doesn't follow on that thought, regretfully, because the next thing I know, he's asking me, "I thought you're getting married?"

I shake my head and goes to lean my arms on top of his shoulders. "You're an idiot, Junhoe, for not knowing why I'm here."

A grin curls his lips. "Then amuse this idiot by telling him exactly why."

"I love you, more than just a best friend, and it's too stupid of me to not say that until now," I say breathlessly, but now with a different kind of breathless.

"Then consider me stupid too," he says before we fall into one of those mind-inducing kisses again. He replies to my confession in between kisses. "Idiot, I love you too."

I smile against his lips, content to finally hear those words after all this time.

end.

just want to drop a little something: no matter how the world thinks how wonderful we are; there will always be someone who will make us feel we're not enough, unintentionally or not. it's something untrue and something that took a lot of time for me to accept. i stared at my weaknesses, thinking that these are the reasons why the love i'm giving isn't reciprocated. it isn't. remember that sincerity will always count, whether someone doesn't notice or not. someday, you'll find someone, brave and loving enough to go past those weaknesses and make you realize how wonderful you really are.