On the other hand, if he didn't have her, one of the only nice things in his life would be gone. Was he not trying hard enough? Was he being too selfish in forgetting about her and only thinking of himself? It was nice that she wanted to help him, but how could she when she had no idea what he was going through, even as she said, not able to understand.

At least she wasn't pretending.

Her honesty is what he liked most about her. He let out a sigh and concentrated on feeling the wind in his hair, the night was perfect. Except for this. The night was perfect.

"Hoseok?"

Slowly, he turned his head to acknowledge her.

What on earth was he supposed to do?

"Just go!" he barked, turning now to face her. "You love me? What a crock of !"

"Hoseok!"

"Well why do you love me, huh? Give me one good ing reason as to why you love me - I'll wait."

"You don't need a reason to love someone, Hoseok. There's no bloody check-list of requirements to tick off and if you fill all of them then you're gonna be loved, that's not how this works! You'd realise that if you spent five minutes thinking about me!" Rose yelled, the tears never ceasing.

Huh.

He never thought of it that way. Most of the people he knew had clear-cut reasons for liking their boyfriend or girlfriend. She's pretty. He's handsome. She's kind. He's from a good family. They have a house/car/career.

But to have no reason at all? What did that even mean?

"There - you have no reason to love me-"

"I love you because you're you! That's all the reason I need! It's you! There's nothing else! Are you satisfied?"

"You love me even though you know I'm ed up in the head?" he shot back, a bitter laugh leaving his lips.

"Why is that surprising? You're still a person who needs love."

"No, you're just here because you pity me. You look at me like some kind of project, some broken thing that needs to be fixed!

Rose felt like all of the air had been pushed out of her.

It was enough. She had had enough. There was only so much of this she could take. Being with Hoseok meant this was something that would not go away unless he sought out professional help and she knew more than anyone that he would absolutely point-blank refuse to. He was probably too ashamed, but he needed the help. She was frozen to the spot, unable to move as her eyes bored holes into his, tears still falling but no sobs leaving her. Hoseok could see how swollen and red her eyes had become. Whatever. She was only with him to make herself feel better anyway.

She was tired.

It was enough.

"It's always about you, isn't it?" she said finally.

Hoseok blinked.

That was a sudden change in attitude.

"Lets just break up."

Hoseok let out a half-laugh.

"Seriously. I can see I'm never ever going to be anything but a rock to you in this relationship. You might have me but I'm totally alone because I have to constantly work around your bull all day. It's always about you! You're ed up? So ing what, you think you're the only person in the world who's going through what you're going through? You think no one in this world has had a tougher life than you? Stop being so ing self-centred Hoseok and wake up! The entire world does not revolve around you! I'm sick of it! This is supposed to be a relationship but I'm nothing more than a convenience for you, running around after you while you don't even try to sort yourself out. I'm never going to be a girlfriend in this relationship. You're the one who can't love me. I never asked anything of you, Hoseok, I just wanted to be the one who gets to be supported sometimes. You think I don't have problems? People around you have problems. I just never said anything because how could you possibly be a comfort to me when all I do is comfort you?"

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

His fingers curled into the fabric of his jacket. Rose could see in his eyes that he was truly contemplating what she had just said. The realisation was setting in as it was clear he had never taken the time to step into someone else's shoes and try to look at his own situation as an outsider. It was difficult. He was too caught up with battling himself every day to have spared the time to think about how others were dealing with him.

He loved her.

If nothing else, he knew that.

His hand trembled as he stood in front of her, now too ashamed to meet her gaze.

He loved her, but... she was right. Did he love her the way he was supposed to?

As he opened his mouth to say something, a thunderous crash startled both of them and without thinking, Hoseok automatically moved in front of Rose, back facing her, arms spread wide. He looked at the commotion for a moment before realising that a bus had collided with and crushed a taxi, which was now turned upside-down. He was doubtful if the driver survived that.

"Let's get out of here." he said, grabbing Rose's hand and leading her back over the bridge where they came.

He was surprised there was no protest from her, but supposed she was probably too shocked to think much. His own mind was racing, and so without thinking, he took them into the nearest building, which happened to be their neighbourhood branch of Baskin Robbins. Well. That would do. He chose three flavours at random and both of them sat down, bucket of ice cream between them. Rose grabbed a pink plastic spoon and scooped out a lump of some yellow looking thing, Hoseok following suit. They both sighed at the refreshing tanginess of the sorbet, a welcome cleanse to a tense night.

"I'm sorry."

Rose raised her eyes up to see Hoseok finally looking at her.

"I was selfish the whole time."

"You were." she agreed, scooping another bite of sorbet.

They ate in silence for a while, Hoseok knowing that he wouldn't be able to say anything to her that would inspire her to trust that he would start looking after her because he wasn't even sure himself that he could. He didn't want to break up after all, he realised, his face now heating up as tears threatened to come. Still, she deserved to know the truth, regardless of what would become of them.

"I've been dealing with depression for a long time." he said finally. Rose stopped for a moment, the ice cream melting in before she swallowed. "Most of the time it's okay, but recently it's been bad. I don't know how to describe it... I don't even know why I'm here. Why was I brought into this world?" he asked, his wet eyes seeing a blurry outline of his girlfriend.

"Why were you brought into this world? Why are you here?" she repeated. "Because you're a dazzling star. I would never have guessed that you were going through this. Because you've always been the brightest person I know. You're really good at cheering me up, and everyone else says they feel better when you're around. But you're not here to please or benefit other people, unless you find that is your passion. And if you don't have one, then we can find one together. I'll help you. We can go through everything until you find something you love. Something that makes you want to keep on going."

Rose smiled, but Hoseok could see her heart breaking.

It wasn't her.

She wasn't going to be the thing that made him want to run on.

She could at least help him to find the thing that he did want. She could do that much for him.

"No." he smiled, shaking his head, a few silent tears tripping down his face.

Rose's lips tightened as she raised her eyebrows at him in question, trying her best not to cry again.

"You can't say that after what you confessed to me on the bridge." he said. "I know what you said is true, I know it is. I treated you so poorly and I only had some episodes where I was as bright as you say. Don't build me up. You spent much more time with me than anyone else. You know yourself that I'm... like this. When no one else was looking, I was this lunatic. I don't know why I let myself be so bad to you. But in any case, what I said was right, too. I'm not a project for you to work on. You deserve a boyfriend who can love and take care of you as you have done to me... and I'm not him."

Silence fell between them, the only disturbance coming from the shop radio.

"I think we need some time apart. I'm going to get through this. I'm going to take care of myself and then I'll be able to be good to you, okay?"

Rose kept her eyes down and simply nodded.

She didn't even know what she wanted any more. She didn't really want to break up seeing him like this and if she wasn't going to be there supporting him, then who would? She knew he wasn't close with his family at all - they had lots of problems. Would she have to trust that he would be okay as he said? She was scared to leave him alone - what if he fell into another suicidal episode? What if she wasn't around to help him? What if no one knew? How could she let him be alone?

"I'm scared, though." she admitted. "I don't want to leave you alone. I don't want you to be alone."

Hoseok managed a smile at her seemingly endless kindness.

"I don't want to keep you by my side if I can't give you my best."

"I know, but... I want to be there. I can handle you on days like today. I don't take it personally."

"Babe, you're not a punching bag. You know it yourself. It's frustrating, I'm frustrating."

"I'm scared you'll have another episode like today and there won't be anyone there."

The thought of what might have happened to him overwhelmed her and she clasped her hands over her face, trying not to make a sound as she cried. Hoseok slid around to the sofa she sat on and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight.

He would hold her for then, but they couldn't go on like this.

He had to get better.

"I'll message you once a week, okay? I promise I'll pick up your calls no matter how I am so that you know I'm safe and I know you're safe, too." he said softly, adjusting her head to let her cry into his shoulder.

"I'll wait for you." she sniffed.

"What if I never get better?"

"I can live with it. I know you love me, Hoseok."

"I do. But I'm sorry I can't be the one you need yet."

What a mess they found themselves in.

*     *     *

One and a half years later, Hoseok found himself on the Mapo bridge.

Did you eat? How have you been?

He smiled at the illuminated signs. Would they have helped him that day? Probably not, but at least someone was trying to do something.

"Did you eat yet?"

Hoseok turned.

And smiled.

"Long time no see!" Rose sang. "How have you been?"

Hoseok strolled towards her and fixed her scarf, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

"I've been well. You remembered."

"Are you happy to see me?" she asked, standing on her tiptoes with a big smile.

"I couldn't be happier. You kept me going even though we had almost no contact. I know I promised once a week but.. my therapist advised me not to."

"No, no, I'm just happy you told me at the time." she replied, holding up a bag and pulling out a lump of material. "Here, Merry Christmas. Apparently I knit scarves now."

"Apparently." Hoseok nodded, taking the wiggly knitted scarf that looked amazingly warm. "Thank you. I love it!"

"Do you love me?" she asked.

Hoseok grinned and put his arm around her as they began walking along the bridge.

"I think I can love you properly now. I'll give you my best, if you're still interested."

"I am!" she replied, wrapping her arms around his waist, making their walk rather awkward.

"Then, let's go for a good dinner and catch-up." he said.

"...I don't want to know about any girls."

"What?" Hoseok spluttered, gaping at her.

"I'm just saying. You're a man. That's all."

"Oh, like you don't have those urges, too?" he shot back. "I don't want to know about any men either, then!"

"Deal!" Rose smiled, not having touched any men in the time they were apart, but knowing full well how riled up it would make Hoseok."

Hoseok dropped his arm from her, giving her an incredulous look as she stood with her hand held out, ready to shake.

"Who? Who were the bastards?" he asked, unable to stop his own laughter as he watched Rose crack up and attempt an escape.

He jogged after her as she shuffled in her winter boots across the bridge.

"Hey, hey, hey! Come back!" he laughed, catching up with her and wrapping his arms around her in a secure back hug.

Walking awkwardly once more.

"You really didn't get me a Christmas gift?" she asked after a moment.

"Oh, I have one. You'll see."