Sitting at home with that overused stress ball between his fingers, Hongbin stares at the ceiling. He ed it up.

He shouldn't have but he ed it up.

The knock on the door startles him. “Hongbinnie… Come have breakfast.” Then. “Are you awake?”

“Yeah…” They both know he was crying yesterday, but he cried all that he could. Now he's tired... and a little empty. The lack of sleep and too many muffled tears making his head swim.

But it's bearable, he's not muffling anything anymore. There's no urge to cry anymore… He's a little numb, but that's the only point. “I'm going just a second.”

Legs a little wobbly, he notices, but it's not too bad, crying was worse, made him nauseous. His eyes are swollen, his face is swollen, he needs a bath to… to wash last night away.

Wash the last month off.

His portable rings and he feels the sound sink into his brain. It's awful. So awful. But he doesn't pick up.

More missed calls, seventeen now.

It's Hakyeon. Not as invasive as to show up at his doorstep like Taekwoon did.

“Are you okay, Hongbin-ah?” He sends messages now and Hongbin sees them piling up but he doesn't answer any either. He seems a bit worried. Does he know of something already? Is Taekwoon angry-calling all of their mutual colleagues to tell them the mess he made of him- of them?

“I went to visit Taekwoonie yesterday and I saw you running down the street.”

Has he seen him cry?

“I know he doesn't eat much when he's alone... He's not all that okay, I'm afraid.”

“I called Wonshik, they're talking.” He sighs, aimlessly seeing the sequence of messages lighting the screen of his portable. Hongbin starts squeezing the stress ball again. “Seeing Taekwoon like this reminded me of how soft he is.”

“But I know you are, too. Soft.”

Hongbin makes a face at that, that's not something for Hakyeon to say. Throw his ex-boyfriend knowledge and say what kind of person he is.

“You two are good kids don't deserve to cry. Sometimes people fight it happens.” He wonders if Hakyeon is not projecting things on him and immediately feels guilty for it. It's not like he did Taekwoon any better.

“Don’t forget to eat. Call me if anything.”

He won't call.

But he lives.

Till Monday.

He even catches some sleep.

Eats decently enough.

But on Monday... as Taekwoon talks to Hakyeon by the coffee table on the HQ with his soft messy hair and large sweater, seemingly somewhat apprehensive about the topic of whatever conversation he and Hakyeon might be having, there Hongbin stutters, doesn't stray his eyes away from his salad, playing with soggy croutons with a heavy stomach and an ever heavier heart. His hands must've be shaking, Sanghyuk is looking at him funny. He sets the fork down. “Dude, you're okay?”

This is ridiculous they are a few tables away, he's past this. Older than this. “Yeah.”

“You sure? You look–”

“Can we-” Sanghyuk thankfully stops talking. “Not talk about me?” He gives Sanghyuk a nervous smile that shakes a little on his lips but stays there.

“As long as you're fine...” Sanghyuk takes a measured bite of his omelette. Hakyeon places a hand on Taekwoon's arm and squeezes, and maybe he's being paranoid (most probably) but it seems off today, so is his smile.

His demeanor.

His eyes.

Wonshik approaches them both, addresses them some quick words… Taekwoon touches his elbow for a second, shies away from Hakyeon's hand when Wonshik's eyes fall to it, excuses himself with his eyes on the ceiling and Hongbin is sure he's the one to blame.

For his crossed arms and slouched shoulders. Tense.

He looks tense.

Eyes evading Hongbin and the deformed corpse of their rapidly deteriorating relationship. Philosophical aren't we?

Hongbin has too many words. Always. “I'm… going back to the lab.” He tells Sanghyuk, his lips to chase the bitterness off them, under his tongue.

“Already? But you didn't–” Too late, he's gone. Slipping away, arms crossed and quick steps.

He's escaping.

And maybe he manages to stay hidden for most of the day but at some point it becomes unbearable. Like… the thought that he not only got to ruin what he and Taekwoon had out of cowardice he also… He's ing himself up.

The ping of the machines becomes too much and the word mush together like a black and white paste over the portables screen.

A panic attack.

Another one. It happens he's used to it by now.

Close his eyes, breathe, call his grandmother and ask her to tell him about the book she's reading, the news, the weather. Mechanical by now… Focus on her voice not the urge to scream.

Sanghyuk doesn't ask, he just stares and the rest… the rest of the people are just faces.

Shapes.

He will go out tonight… He needs someone to… settle him down. Inside this body.

Helpfully Sanghyuk hands him a cup of tea not much later, call ended, him breathing normally again but with a lump on his throat and drained. The way it way in highschool, different triggers but the same sensation.

It's… nostalgic.

He hasn't felt like his sixteen years old self in a very long time. “You okay man?”

Hongbin nods. “I'm just… overloaded. In the head.” He says, staring at the steam rising