Seunghyun collapsed on the bed in the spare bedroom. Sleep was never going to come. His thoughts, roiling through his mind would make sure of that.

Youngbae was still asleep when he left the next morning. Seunghyun was ok with that.

The late-morning sun was punishing on Youngbae’s eyes when he finally woke. He groaned and buried himself in his bed, memories of last night crashing into him. He felt terrible.

“Tell me and I’ll give it to you,” Seunghyun had said. His voice still rang in Youngbae’s ears.

What did he want?

He wanted to not be alone. He wanted - Seungri and Jiyong were always going on about how great with guys was. Slowly, over the last few months, his disgust at the thought of being with man had shifted to something else.

Maybe it was great to be with a man.

He knew what the bible said. But there really was nothing wrong, that he could see, with what his band mates did. He couldn’t really see how what they did was any different or worse because they did it with men, not if it made them happy, not if that was how they found love.

He didn’t know why the Bible said what it did but he’d given up trying to make sense of it, leaving it to God to figure out - later.

So if it was ok for them, surely it was ok for him. Was that what he wanted?

Maybe his luck with women meant he’d do better with men. He cared for Seunghyun, maybe they could succeed where Jiyong and Hyorin had failed. They’d fit into one another’s lives so well, friendship coming more easily than he’d ever imagined. And his mother was always saying one should be with their best friend.

The memory of Seunghyun’s searing kiss brought his blood rushing under his skin. That had been good. And having expected it, feeling the evidence of Seunghyun’s arousal pressed against him had been…. enticing.

No, it couldn’t be wrong, and Youngbae had the right to figure out what it was like for himself. His breath ran short as he remembered the way Seunghyun had felt. He wanted more of that, he was pretty sure.

It was mid afternoon when Youngbae texted Seunghyun.

Youngbae 2:54

At the studio with Ji for a bit. I’ll be home at 7.

I do want this- what started last night. I wanted it two nights ago.

I want to try being more. Us. I know you’re scared. I’m scared. But you weren’t taking advantage.

Seunghyun powered off his phone and sat in his set-chair. He only had one scene left, a handful of reaction shots and then it was time to go home. Waiting as everyone else worked around him gave him time to think.

Youngbae seemed to want this. He doubted he was drunk at 3 in the afternoon. Seunghyun took stock of his emotions. He felt excited and terrified but there was also an over-arching sense of dread.

Never before had he so clearly seen the end from the beginning, not with Jiyong, or John, or even Minah. Yet with Youngbae it was all so clear it was almost the only thing he could see.

The reasons seemed to list themselves. He expended no effort as the crushing weight hammering in his chest increased while the list unfolded.

Faith. Youngbae never brought it up but it was a quiet part of his life. Sunday’s at church with his mother. The tattoos pressed into his very skin. He was quiet about it but to deny it shaped him was to deny knowing him. It was the steely center that had kept his back unbent through years of struggle. It was what created the years of discomfort whenever any of them so much as looked at a man. For all his protestations, that wouldn’t change after just one night.

And it was more than just the quiet belief that shaped him. It was part of his family, his friends, the life that wasn’t Big Bang.

For all that he tolerated and maybe accepted Jiyong, Seungri, and even his own antics, tolerating wasn’t living it. Youngbae would be torn apart by the opposing lives and shred Seunghyun in the process. And Seunghyun had fought that battle enough times to know better. He wouldn’t win it, not with Youngbae.

Youngbae would have to live two lives: the one with his family and friends, and the one with Seunghyun. And the closer they got the more the two worlds would diverge. There was no possibility of open-ness, of freedom, but what was more, there was no possibility of the open-secret he’d managed with a few partners. No, Youngbae’s family would never accept him that way because their God would never accept them.

Life had taught him that lesson, he still had the scars. But it was more than just Youngbae’s God.

Youngbae’s words came back to him. “Having kids and wives and families is what people do.”

And for Youngbae that was true. He thought of Youngbae with little Haru. There was a bright, shining light to Youngbae when he was with children. It was an absolute gift to behold. Youngbae had been made to be a father. For all that he loved his band-mates, for all of his passion for music, career would never be what mattered most to Youngbae. Fatherhood would be Youngbae’s true Opus.

But Seunghyun had known he wouldn’t want children. Ever. He liked them enough but- His thoughts drifted precariously close to his own father and he shied away.

No, he would never be a father.

And so what? he tried to reason. Faith and God and Family dictated that, at most, what they could have would be temporary. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, though, was there? So, accept that it would be fleeting, amorphous, a stolen fragment of time for the two of them amidst the decades of their life.

Youngbae was gorgeously sculpted masculine perfection. Seunghyun, who had sampled and could get the most beautiful humanity had to offer, admitted Youngbae was something more than just a physical specimen. He would be a fool to turn his nose up at it. Why not just indulge in a little play?

But this wasn’t his on-again, off-again flirtation with Jaechun. Youngbae and he- they were more. He never would have thought it but they were. Youngbae had become this constant presence in his life. A comfort that demanded next to nothing and gave so much in return. Peace, caring, kindness, and just a stillness that was so difficult to find in their lives.

Seunghyun knew his own heart. It had been broken enough times to show its insides. He’d stitched it up enough times to knew how it fit together. Youngbae’s was a blinding beauty that would catch and enthrall him. Whatever they became, it would be more than physical. He wouldn’t be able to wrap himself in Youngbae’s body without also losing his heart.

And then what? It would end. Fracturing him, fracturing Youngbae but breaking more than that. He’d almost destroyed Big Bang once, they wouldn’t survive going through it again.

But he would lose more than that. He’d also lose… their nights in the darkness where music and beauty and truth were examined and understood, their quiet calm where they could just be without being alone.

This, what they had, was so rare he’d never actually found it before. And he was going to throw it away, because that is what Youngbae wanted.

“Seunghyun-Sshi,” the set director waved to catch his attention.

“Yes?”

“The scene has run too long, you’re free to go and we’ll pick your scenes up on Monday.”

“Oh,” Seunghyun said, blinking and trying to remember where he was. “Oh, right, okay, thanks.” He shook his head and wandered to his trailer. It was time to see Youngbae. He couldn’t deny Youngbae anything, especially when he wanted it, too. Damn the future.

Youngbae was nervous, excited. He felt like he wasn’t even in his skin. His body felt disconnected and warm. Texting Seunghyun had been near impossible for the shaking of his hands.

Youngbae was jittery the whole drive home. It was empty, Seunghyun likely working until early evening at best. He wondered if Seunghyun had read the text yet. The thought flipped his stomach.

“What are you doing, Youngbae?” he asked himself. Still, he set about cleaning his spotless home.

Seunghyun 7:45pm

Ok, Bae.

I’ll see you soon. Don’t cook. I’ll bring dinner.

Youngbae was in the middle of wiping down the counters for the third time when he heard the front door beep. Seunghyun came in, burdened with bags of take-out.

“Here,” Youngbae said, running forward, “let me help.”

“No, no, just um, get candles?”

Candles. Youngbae’s mind stuttered. They’d always just ate at the kitchen bar or coffee table. One didn’t put candles at either of those places.

“And I know you have fancy stuff, can you show me?” Seunghyun had been practically living there and still didn’t know where Youngbae kept the special dishes. Man never cleaned if he could help it. The thought made Youngbae chuckle.

“Yeah, here,” he pointed then left to put the candles on the dining table. “We’re eating -”

“I wanted to do something nice,” Seunghyun explained. Youngbae looked and actually read the name of the restaurant on the take out and whistled. “I wanted to -” Seunghyun looked embarrassed and it was an absolute novelty.

“Yeah, sure, I’m gonna set these and clean up?” Youngbae realized Seunghyun was in a full suit, meticulously tailored.

This was going to be more than a fling, the realization settled into reality as he showered as fast as possible. He found that thought daunting but not bad. “Really you’re not built for anything casual,” Youngbae admitted to himself as he shoved his feet into suit pants. It was only the truth.

Maybe he hadn’t thought this through enough.

“You, uh, look nice,” Youngbae complimented Seunghyun as he emerged freshly pressed and dressed from his bedroom.

“I’m not much for pump and dump,” Seunghyun said. He stood at the dinner table, plates and food immaculate, and poured the wine. “Sorry, that was rude.” He paused and looked at Youngbae. “I think I’m nervous.”

“Ya, isn’t that my job?”

They both chuckled softly.

“I just want it to be nice.” Seunghyun needed it to be good, needed it to be worth it.

“This is nice,” Youngbae reassured him.

Seunghyun pulled out Youngbae’s chair and gestured to it, but he stepped away before Youngbae could sit down. There was an art to wooing a straight man.

“So is this a date?” Youngbae grabbed for his fork and took a bite.

“If you want it to be,” Seunghyun replied. “It’s whatever you want, Youngbae. We can be whatever you want.”

“I -” Youngbae put his fork down. Texting it had been easier. “I can’t do a casual thing, I think.”

Seunghyun smiled. “I know.”

“I want-” Youngbae needed to just say the words. “I want to sleep with you.”

Seunghyun looked at him. “I would like that.” God, would he.

They should talk more, Youngbae knew. About the future and about what this all meant. He just couldn’t seem to find the words. So he ate.

“How was the studio?” Seunghyun needed to put Youngbae at ease. Every line of his body was taut. Music was the answer.

Youngbae slowly relaxed as he recounted his day. Recording was coming along. He actually was starting to really love the new songs.

“Tablo-hyung wrote something for me. Two somethings.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah one of them sounds like that old 80s song. You know the one in that American High School movie.” Youngbae hummed a few bars.

“Tears for Fears,” Seunghyun supplied.

“I knew you’d know.” They smiled at each other and both their hearts raced. “We’re really going to do this.”

“If that is what you want, Bae.”

Youngbae felt a momentary pang as he realized he’d not even informed Jiyong, his best friend. Jiyong’s been busy, he told himself.

There was something in Seunghyun’s eyes that Youngbae couldn’t quite discern. “Yeah, it is,” Youngbae said.

“So tell me about Tablo’s songs.”

Youngbae lost himself in talking about his album. The candles melted low in their holders and dinner gave way to desert, one bottle of wine to two. Slowly it felt less like a date and more just like - dinner with Seunghyun, though his eyes sparkled in the candle-light and the shadows seemed to lovingly the planes of his face.

Seunghyun stood and took their plates, leaving them in the sink, a concession to Youngbae’s sensibilities. However, rather than settling on the couch he crossed to Youngbae, standing behind him and gripping the back of Youngbae’s chair.

Youngbae’s heart raced as he let Seunghyun pull out his chair, taking the hand Seunghyun extended to help him up. This was his usual role, and it was flipped and Youngbae didn’t know what he should feel but he liked it.

He expected to be pulled somewhere but, instead, Seunghyun spun to stand in front of him, close enough that their chest’s were a finger’s breadth apart. Youngbae looked up. All the girls he’d ever kissed had been shorter than him.

He looked up and Seunghyun cupped both sides of his face, long finger tips brushing into his hair. Seunghyun turned the full, powerful grasp of his eyes on Youngbae. Youngbae eased into Seunghyun’s touch, feeling himself melt against strong hands. He didn’t have to control, guide, lead. He just had to be.

Seunghyun’s kiss was slow, languorous. He savored every inch of Youngbae’s mouth. He dropped his hands to Youngbae’s shoulders and pulled him in tight, wrapping him in a full embrace. Youngbae was as petite as any girl but the body in his arms was anything but feminine.

He broke off the kiss and pressed his forehead into Youngbae’s. “Bed?”

Youngbae nodded and let himself be led.

The bedroom was dark save for a bedside lamp. It was just the right amount of light. Seunghyun brought Youngbae back to stand face to face with him at the foot of the bed. Youngbae looked breathlessly up at Seunghyun. This was it. He stood on tiptoe to kiss Seunghyun.

Seunghyun let his jacket fall to the floor and loosened his tie before turning to Youngbae’s buttons. He undid them slowly, focusing more on the kiss. He traced the exposed skin behind each button for a few seconds before turning to the next.

Youngbae’s skin was on fire; Seunghyun’s hands were warm and rough. He had all of a second after his shirt was stripped from him before he was pushed down onto the bed. The wind rushed out of him and he looked up.

Seunghyun pulled out the rest of his tie and made quick work of his shirt. He was grateful for the hard work he’d put in for the movie, he wasn’t put to shame by the rippling of Youngbae’s abs.

Seunghyun crawled over Youngbae, hand snaking down his side to hook into Youngbae’s belt. They were both hard and they both could feel it. Their chests heaved in unison, aching for breath, for more touch.

This was it. All Seunghyun had to do was unhook the belt, unfasten the fly. That’s it, and Youngbae would have what he wanted and Seunghyun-

Seunghyun would lose everything. He was frozen, unable to look anywhere but the pillow over Youngbae’s shoulder. His body was screaming for release, Youngbae was under him, pressed into his hip. Just move, Seunghyun.

But he couldn’t.

In that moment almost a year of friendship flashed through his mind: passing out drunk on his basement floor, nights spent talking until night shifted to morning, nights when the world seemed to crash into him and Youngbae was just there.

Someday it would all end and that, this, everything between them would be gone, ashes, another broken heart and shattered world.

“Hyung-” Youngbae looked up at him. Seunghyun was far away. Passion wilted against concern and he shifted, trying to sit up. “Hyung, are you ok?” Seunghyun held him fast to the bed. “Hyung, look at me.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Youngbae brought a hand up to Seunghyun’s face, trying to smooth away the deep creases of concern and - pain?. “I’m right here,” he whispered.

Seunghyun looked at him. “I can’t.” Confused, Youngbae gaped. “I can’t, Youngbae.” Seunghyun pushed himself up, body hovering but not touching Youngbae. “I would lose everything,” he whispered.

Youngbae searched his eyes. Everything. Everything they had come to be for each other. They easy comfort, quiet dependence. Part of him wanted to shout that it wouldn’t be lost, just change. But looking up at Seunghyun he saw and knew the truth.

They would have this night, maybe a few more. Life wouldn’t let them have any more. He thought of all the things Seunghyun had shared with him, the secret shades of his soul. The fractures in their future seemed to glow, they were so apparent.

“You,” Seunghyun ruffled the fringe of Youngbae’s hair but it was affectionate, not sensual. “You’ve become one of my best friends. I never would have thought.” His laugh was self-deprecating. “It’s not worth it, this. I want- wanted to give you everything you want but I’m selfish. I don’t want to lose us.”

“It’s not selfish. I- I don’t want to lose this either.”

Seunghyun pulled back and stood. He turned his back on the bed. “I”m sorry.” He should leave but he just needed to make sure Youngbae understood. “I have so few friends.”

Youngbae reached out and grabbed Seunghyun’s hand, keeping him from going. He didn’t want to be alone; he didn’t want Seunghyun to be alone. “Do-” he cleared his voice, throat raw, “do you want to sleep here tonight.”

He scooched and pulled back a bit of the bed sheets. Seunghyun looked at him, eyes grateful. “Yes.”

He sat and pulled out his belt and stripped his pants off. Youngbae turned to give him privacy, sitting to do the same.

Youngbae waited until it sounded like Seunghyun was settled under the bed cover then he switched off the light. Sitting there in the darkness he offered up a wordless prayer of thanks.

After a moment he lay back, pulling the sheet over himself and turning to Seunghyun.

“You’re more than a friend, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun hummed.

“You’re family,” Youngbae admitted. “I’m glad you’re here.” He reached out and squeezed Seunghyun’s shoulder. “I’m glad - I’m glad you stopped.”

“I love you, Dongsaeng,” Seunghyun whispered.

And Youngbae knew what he meant. He felt it, too, in that moment. “I love you, hyung.”

It was the only night they ever shared a bed.