Seunghyun 6:40pm

Plans for tonight?

Youngbae looked at his phone and blinked in surprise. Seunghyun almost never texted just him.

Seunghyun 6:42pm

No?

Seunghyun 6:45pm

So when you coming over?

He tapped a finger absently on the edge of his phone while chewing on his lower lip, feeling a bit at a loss. He’d never considered that Seunghyun might be serious about hanging out. Of all his band members, the relationship between him and Seunghyun had always been the most distant.

He tossed the phone and rose, scratching the back of his head as he navigated through partially opened boxes to the kitchen, a tiny flutter of anxiety in his stomach. It would be rude not to go over. Youngbae pulled open his fridge and rummaged through its sparse offerings, not really seeing anything worth eating.

He loved his hyung, for sure, but theirs was a brotherhood born more of shared experience than deep camaraderie. He’d never really understood Seunghyun. Youngbae’s mind supplied a memory: a nineteen year old Seunghyun, too skinny with too fast weight loss, pressing a backup dancer up against a wall. A male backup dancer. Youngbae’s mind rendered with sharp clarity the way the eerie yellow glow of the basement studio had cast both boys in dark shadows as their lips moved over one another.

Youngbae shut the fridge and shook his head. Where did that come from? He hadn’t thought of that night in years.

Those first few years together had been awkward. Then Jiyong and Seunghyun had started dating and his best friend had drawn a line in the sand. Eventually accepting the fact that they were together, that two people close to him liked boys had eased things between them but Youngbae was nothing like Seunghyun’s actor friends.

“Damn,” Youngbae cursed to himself. Why was he having a crisis over a simple dinner at the house of a friend he’d known for years? He shuffled to the foyer and began pulling on his shoes. As he slipped on his left one his phone buzzed from the couch. Hopping, he made his way to it.

Seunghyun 6:55pm

Come on, hyung spent the afternoon picking wine and making food. I even rolled kimbap with tempura just for you.

Youngbae snorted. He could hear Seunghyun’s whine. He plucked out a reply.

Youngbae 6:56pm

Alright I’m heading over. Should I bring anything?

Seunghyun 6:57pm

Alcohol

Youngbae 6:57pm

Wait you said you picked out wine.

Seunghyun 6:58pm

Alcohol

Youngbae 6:58pm

...

Youngbae rolled his eyes and trotted back to his fridge with one shoe on. He pulled out a few bottles of soju and placed them in a shopping bag.

Only blocks away, Seunghyun was in his wine cellar shuffling through bottles and only vaguely aware of his mother shouting down from the stairs that she was heading out. His phone buzzed and he lifted it from where he’d placed it on a shelf to read Youngbae’s response.

Seunghyun snorted to himself as he grabbed a wine bottle and turned to the fridge he kept for his cheese. Youngbae had never really dealt with the obvious attraction he’d felt for Seunghyun, so he figured a little alcohol might help loosen him up. Youngbae’s crush had always been a low-key thing, more an attraction than infatuation. It had taken a few years for Seunghyun to recognize the occasional long stares and fumbled words for what they were. Youngbae’s initial reaction to Jiyong and him dating had finally clued Seunghyun in.

Too bad Youngbae was convinced he was straight or Seunghyun would have willingly helped him navigate the waters of his uality. But maybe it was for the best. Youngbae seemed happy in ignorance; he would probably live out his whole life in straight bliss. No need to rock that boat.

Collecting his after-dinner treats, he emerged from the chill of the basement into his kitchen. He laid out his selections on the marble counter and popped the bottle of red wine to let it breath. Seunghyun gave the food on the stove a cursory stir before turning to slice the cheese as he contemplated the coming night.

Despite a almost a decade of shared lives there was still a distance between them that left Seunghyun feeling sad. There was a depth and perception to Youngbae that he’d only ever glimpsed and wanted to truly understand. He’d long wanted to breach Youngbae’s carefully constructed walls to truly understand the man underneath. Maybe living closer would be their chance.

There was a buzz at the door and Seunghyun shuffled to the intercom.

“Yo,” he said.

“Hey, it’s me.” Youngbae’s low voice crackled through the speaker.

“You drove?”

“Yeah.”

Seunghyun buzzed open the gate to the garage and moved to quickly pour the wine, arming himself with a glass as he went to open the door.

“Hey,” Youngbae said, looking up at Seunghyun standing in the doorway.

“Uh, hi, here.” Seunghyun shoved the glass of wine at Youngbae then turned back to the kitchen, effectively avoiding any further awkwardness at the door.

Youngbae followed him in, toeing off his shoes before entering the kitchen. “Here, I brought soju.” He lifted the bag in his hand and placed it on the counter, pulling out a green bottle and waving it at Seunghyun.

“Food?” Seunghyun asked. He didn’t bother to wait for Youngbae’s response, taking the bag of soju and placing it the fridge then turning and layering strips of beef onto two plates.

“Yeah, sure.” Youngbae leaned against the counter and fiddled with his shirt before planting himself on a barstool to watch Seunghyun serve. Seunghyun sat their plates side by side on the counter and walked around to sit beside Youngbae.

“We should hang out more,” Seunghyun said, pouring out more wine.

Youngbae laughed more out of nerves than anything else and Seunghyun looked at him. “Sorry,” Youngbae mumbled.

“Shut up and eat, Youngbae.” Seunghyun softened his words with a jab of his elbow.

Youngbae bowed his head for the briefest of moments, lips moving silently. Seunghyun politely focused on his own food, used to the prayer that was Youngbae’s meal ritual. They ate in silence for a few forkfuls each.

“It’s weird without the other three,” Seunghyun provided, shining a light on the elephant in the kitchen. He topped off Youngbae’s glass then pulled straight from the bottle with a smile.

Youngbae smiled back and drank. “Yeah, just a little bit,” he said into his glass.

“Not bad though?” Seunghyun asked. He was a manipulative but he’d made do with the less savory elements of his nature.

“No,” Youngbae admitted and shoved another forkful into his mouth. “I can’t believe you actually cooked.”

“Yeaaah - about that.”

“Your mom cooked didn’t she?”

Seunghyun giggled.

“Ya! I can’t believe you. I thought you slaved over a stove all day.”

“The kitchen is still standing isn’t it?”

Youngbae rolled his eyes and took another drink. “Jerk,” he mumbled. Seunghyun smiled at the affection obvious in his voice.

“So where is she?” Youngbae asked, looking around. Seunghyun arched a confused brow. “Your mom.”

“Out with her gang of ajummas I think.”

“Awwww. Cute.”

“Yeah,” Seunghyun said, “she usually only comes by for special occasions. So, you know, feel special.” Youngbae rolled his eyes.

Conversation came more easily then, lubricated by Youngbae’s fourth glass of wine and genuinely delicious food. Talk of mothers easy bled to talk of family, then friends, then the group with their upcoming projects and finally music, a subject about which they shared a passion. One bottle of wine turned to two before they were scraping forks over empty plates of thirds.

“No, don’t do that,” Seunghyun said as Youngbae moved to begin washing the dishes.

“Don’t be gross, Seunghyun,” Youngbae chided through laughter as he began to run the water.

“Nooo don’t, don’t.” Seunghyun added a pout to his whine for good measure.

Youngbae swayed a bit but propped himself against the counter and hummed as he washed and rinsed the dishes. Seunghyun collapsed onto his living room floor, curled on himself and screeched while Youngbae rolled his eyes.

“Shut up, hyung and get over here and dry,” Youngbae said. The screeching intensified. Seunghyun would never change. “I can’t believe that you were going to leave this for your mother.”

The screeching stopped instantly. “I have a maid service,” Seunghyun said, offended. “I wouldn’t make my mom do this.”

“Oh,” Youngbae finished lamely. He turned back to the dishes, feeling stupid. Seunghyun padded over to him and lifted a cleaned plate from the sink, wordlessly drying it and stacking it in his cabinet. Their eyes met for a second before Seunghyun picked up the next plate.

“It’s good to clean up after ourselves, anyways.” Seunghyun extended an olive branch. Youngbae’s shoulders eased and he smiled down at the soap suds.

“Soju?” Youngbae offered when Seunghyun returned the last dish.

Seunghyun nearly skipped to his refrigerator. He disappeared behind his door, humming mischievously. Youngbae’s hand flew up instinctively as a bottle soared at him. He looked at it and glared at Seunghyun who emerged from his search to open his own bottle.

“What?” Seunghyun feigned innocence and strolled past Youngbae to his living room, snacks in hand.

“You coulda hurt me.”

“Didn’t though.”

Youngbae screwed up his face and joined his infuriating hyung on the couch. They sat on either end of the dark leather sofa, empty cushions gaping between them. Seunghyun offered up the remote, using his fingertips to nudge it over the leather seat cushion towards Youngbae.

“I don’t know how to work your thing,” Youngbae protested.

“It’s a thing - work it.” Seunghyun gulped down soju straight from his bottle and helped himself to pre-cut cheese slices. He offered some to Youngbae but was waved off. Youngbae fiddled with the controller a bit, finally managing to turn it on and flick through the channels. He settled on one then smirked at Seunghyun.

“Oh, God, no. No, Youngbae, please.”

“Look at what is on late night cable.”

“Why?!” Seunghyun looked horrified as he watched his twenty-one-year old self rap on the screen.

“Aw, but look at how cute Seungri is.”

Seunghyun had to admit Seungri did look adorable. Then his face appeared again and he cringed. “Youngbae, noooo,” he begged. Anything but watching the movie Nineteen, anything. Youngbae grinned, hunkered down into the cushions and propped his feet on the coffee table.

Feigning an indignant sneer he added his feet beside Youngbae’s. He made it through his painful acting and second-hand embarrassment for his past self via liberal application of alcohol. Halfway through the movie he stood up and swayed his way to the fridge and more soju.

“You ate all the cheese!” Youngbae accused from the living room. Seunghyun waved a finger in the air and disappeared back to the cellar. He stumbled over a step and Youngbae gave an inarticulate shout of concern. Startled, Seunghyun tried to turn and managed to fall down the last four steps.

“You idiot,” Youngbae said, standing at the top of the stairs. “You need an elevator if we’re going to drink this much. S’a good thing I’m not drunk.” He focused a little too hard as he navigated the stairs. “Did you hurt yourself?”

Youngbae managed to reach the base of the stairs without incident and stood, staring down at Seunghyun sprawled at his feet. His hyung was so big, all arms and long legs. He gave a calculated look back up the stairs. There was no way Youngbae would be able to haul that mess up the imposing flight.

“Oh this is a good one,” Seunghyun said, rolling across the floor to the nearest rack and pulling a bottle down.

“Are you serious right now?” He collapsed onto the floor beside Seunghyun.

“Yes, here.” Seunghyun maneuvered himself up and pulled off the foil topping the wine bottle. He stared at the cork stupidly. “Bae do you have a pocket knife?”

“Um -”

“Hold on.” Seunghyun shimmied over to another shelf and rummaged through what seemed like a bunch of junk to Youngbae. “Haha!” Seunghyun’s face lit up in triumph as he held a corkscrew aloft. He scooted back over to Youngbae, sitting beside him, legs spread with the wine bottle between them. They leaned against a shelf and Youngbae watched as Seunghyun attempted to open the wine. “,” Seunghyun said and held up the bottle.

Youngbae looked. “You got the cork in there, hyung.”

Seunghyun screwed up his face then eyed the opening of the bottle. “,” he repeated. Youngbae began to giggle, then to laugh. “This isn’t funny, Bae.”

“Oh, it’s a tragedy,” Youngbae gasped unable to control his laughter. Seunghyun glared at him. Youngbae tried to straighten his face but was spectacularly unsuccessful. Their shoulders brushed and Seunghyun leaned on Youngbae, his deep chuckle echoing Youngbae’s. “Give me that,” Youngbae said, pulling the bottle from Seunghyun’s hands. He lifted it to his lips and took a gulp. He hummed as he swallowed. “You’re right it is a good one.”

“We’re gonna have to finish it now,” Seunghyun said as he took the bottle back. He brought up his knees and draped his arms over them as he drank. Youngbae snickered and found his forehead resting against Seunghyun’s arm. The room spun less that way.

“You drink too much, Seunghyun,” Youngbae said, mirth evaporating into truth. He raised his head to meet Seunghyun’s eyes then dropped it back. “Sometimes I worry.”

“Do you?” Seunghyun asked and took another drink then nudged Youngbae with the bottle. “I didn’t think we were close enough for you to worry.”

Youngbae took the bottle back. “It doesn’t mean I can’t care.”

Seunghyun shrugged and watched Youngbae. “Sometimes I wondered-”

Youngbae took several long gulps and set the bottle down on the ground. He looked everywhere but Seunghyun.

“He’s my friend Seunghyun. My best friend, for almost all my life.”

“I’ve known him a long time too.” Seunghyun grabbed the bottle.

Jiyong. The name hung in the air between them. Youngbae knew better than to speak it. “I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken sides when -”

“It’s fine,” Seunghyun snapped and took another drink.

“But I did worry.” Youngbae leaned back again, making sure not to touch Seunghyun. The world spun gently around the two of them.

“Do you still think I’m gonna burn in hell?” Seunghyun’s tone was too bitter but he couldn’t check it. Youngbae’s past words tore at his heart.

“No. I didn’t then. I should never have said it. It was wrong.” Youngbae paused. “And I should have apologized. I should have- I never should have said that,” he finished lamely. He pulled the bottle from Seunghyun’s hands and turned it in his own, staring past its label. “I never should have said that.” He couldn’t stop repeating himself. What words could possibly encompass his apology?

Youngbae drank and passed the bottle back. Seunghyun had no response but more wine could never hurt so he drank more. “Everything is spinning,” he mumbled.

“Are you ok now?” Youngbae asked, unable to leave the conversation. “I was worried when you were gone for so long. You disappeared and no one heard from you for months.”

“The movie was hard.” Seunghyun’s voice was flat. “The movie and the tour.” “I should have been there for you.” It was a confession wrung from Youngbae’s heart, born of shame and regret.

“What, like a friend?”

“Like a friend.” Youngbae closed his eyes to the spinning room. “We are friends,” he whispered, as if saying made it so.

“Are we?”

“We could be,” Youngbae said, looking up at Seunghyun. Their eyes met for a long moment. Seunghyun wondered if he could ever get Youngbae to admit that his anger at Seunghyun and Jiyong’s breakup had been partially born of jealousy. Friends.

Seunghyun offered the bottle to Youngbae.

“We could be. We’re in a band for s sake,” Youngbae said, ignoring Seunghyun’s snort of surprise at his language. “We could be friends at least,” Youngbae took the bottle. “Friends.” He drank. His stomach churned. “We gotta stop doing that,” he groaned at the bottle.

“Friends,” Seunghyun repeated. He finished the bottle. “And yeah we should stop. , it’s too heavy in here.” He tossed the bottle to the floor and reached out, crawling to the shelf opposite them. “Look,” he grabbed at a bottle, “this one is good too.”

Youngbae laughed. “Ok.”

“And I won’t get the cork in this time.”

“We’re going to die,” Youngbae moaned and fell onto his side.

Seunghyun left the bottle unopened and rolled onto his back. “We’re all dying, Youngbae.”

“Shut up, hyung.” They stared at the ceiling together as time phased in then out.

“Hyung?” Youngbae asked. He couldn’t tell if Seunghyun was still awake. Seunghyun hummed and looked down from the ceiling. Youngbae’s brain froze for a moment, he hadn’t actually had a purpose when he called out to Seunghyun. Then the words tumbled out, unbidden. “I hate all the songs on my album.”

“No ?” Seunghyun drawled.

“Yes .”

“You swear when you’re drunk, like a lot.”

“Jiyong doesn’t know yet.” Youngbae confessed.

“That you swear when drunk?” Seunghyun flopped a hand around for that bottle he’d found. Youngbae kicked him.

“I’m serious.”

“No ?” Seunghyun said stupidly.

Youngbae couldn’t help himself. “Yes ,” he repeated and he giggled again.

“Language.” Words seemed to be just out of his reach but part of Seunghyun realized the importance of the confession. Jiyong always new things about Youngbae first. “That really , Bae. I’m sorry.” There was a grunt from Youngbae.