He’d felt it coming for days. He was used to the signs. Still, it had been long enough that Seunghyun had begun to hope that it would never happen again. Unfortunately, depression was a jealous and temperamental mistress.

It had been a busy flurry of weeks, everyone was busy with comebacks or potential comebacks. He was really, genuinely proud of Jiyong. Really he was.

Maybe it was that he’d been left alone for too long. That might be it. Seunghyun rolled over in bed some time shy of noon and fought with himself for a good hour before acquiescing that there really was no good reason to get out of bed. Unless it was for another bottle of wine, that was.

Settling back in bed with just a bottle, eschewing the middle-man that was an actual glass, Seunghyun set about to maintain last night's inebriation through another day.

He slept and woke to growing shadows. At some point his maid service had come by but they were acquainted with his quirks. He was left, blissfully, alone.

Part of his mind blamed his mother for taking an extended stay in the States but really he knew this was his own fault. Why would anyone want to spend time with this? Mentally he gestured at himself, in rumpled pajamas, in a rumpled bed. His stomach grumbled and he fed it more wine.

The world spun in a soft, blunted haze. This was good.

Or not good.

But he really didn’t give a .

As twilight encroached he shuffled out to the living room, priding himself for his productivity. He collapsed on the couch and the television for noise.

There was a familiar beep at his front door and Seunghyun looked to his foyer, bleary eyed. The world seemed to dance and Youngbae appeared.

“Hyung!” Youngbae said. Seunghyun flinched. “Where have you been I’ve been texting you for two days!”

“Ya, don’t shout.” Seunghyun gestured to himself. “I’ve been here.”

“I didn’t shout.” Youngbae crossed to him and took in the room, Seunghyun’s state. He’d heard of these bouts from Jiyong but had never actually seen one. He tamped down on the concerned panic churning his stomach and took Seunghyun by the arm. “Come on, old man, you stink.”

Seunghyun tried to shove Youngbae off but was spectacularly unsuccessful as he was hauled up to standing. Youngbae slipped under his right arm and wrapped one of his own arms around Seunghyun’s waist. “Come on you giant lush.”

Youngbae walked him to the master restroom, griping about Seunghyun’s body odor the whole way. Seunghyun spared a glance for his reflection and grimaced. “Wow, I look like .”

“Yeah, you do, now go.” Youngbae leaned into the shower to turn it on then left Seunghyun to blearily sort himself out.

Youngbae 6:48pm

Ya, Seunghyun’s pretty shot

Jiyong 6:48 pm

. I’m stuck where I am.

Youngbae 6:49pm

What can I do?

Jiyong 6:49 pm

Get him talking if you can, he closes up sometimes. Just hang around mostly. His thoughts are his worst enemy.

Youngbae 6:49pm

I can do that.

Thanks Ji.

Jiyong 6:50 pm

Ya, I’m glad you were able to go over.

Youngbae 6:50pm

I shouldn’t have let him alone so long. I’ve been sleeping by the studio for days ...the album, just..

Jiyong 6:50 pm

Hey, you can’t fix him. And you have a life, too. He isn’t your responsibility. He’s a grown man.

….but we can help.

Youngbae 6:50pm

Yeah. I’ll probably hang here tonight.

Jiyong 6:51 pm

Hey, thanks Bae. Really.

I worry about him so much still

Youngbae 6:51pm

Yeah me too.

Youngbae 6:54pm

Gotta go, I think he’s getting sick.

Jiyong 6:54 pm

Try to keep him from drinking more.

Youngbae 6:55pm

Yeah right.

Sure enough, Seunghyun had thrown up but at least he’d had the presence of mind to do so in the toilet.

“Ya! I’m !” Seunghyun shouted as Youngbae ran into the bathroom.

“Whatever, I have a too,” Youngbae said but he threw a towel around Seunghyun anyways. Seunghyun looked too skinny, he noted. He patted Seunghyun’s back soothingly.

“You done?” He asked and when Seunghyun nodded he leaned forward to flush the toilet. “You aren’t done cleaning off,” he declared as Seunghyun stood, towel clutched low on his hips.

“Oh if only the fangirls could see this,” he joked, mostly to get a laugh out of Seunghyun. He counted a weak smile as a win.

“They would probably throw up, themselves,” Seunghyun said, self-deprecating.

Youngbae rolled his eyes. “Whatever, get your back in the shower.” He watched, eagle eyed, as Seunghyun navigated the tub but he did so without incident. “And if you want help getting abs you just have to ask.” He shut the door and took in the bedroom. It was worse off than Seunghyun.

First thing to do was open the windows to air out the stink. Rummaging through the kitchen provided him with both trash bags and leftover soup. He set the soup to warm and started the rice cooker then set to work cleaning Seunghyun’s room.

“Ya, Bae!” Seunghyun shouted as he opened the bathroom door to an almost spotless bedroom. “What are you doing!”

Youngbae walked in, arms loaded with fresh bedding. “Cleaning.” He tossed the bedding onto the sofa and began sorting through it.

Seunghyun didn’t bother fighting. Mamma-Bae had that look on his face. It brought back warm memories from living cheek to jowl in Japan. Man, that had been a different time.

“Stop standing there and get dressed,” Youngbae said. “Unless you like putting on a show.”

Seunghyun became uncomfortably aware of the beads of water tracing their way down his torso and scrunched up his face. He disappeared into his closet. “Fresh clothes, hyung!” Youngbae shouted at him and Seunghyun dropped the pajama pants he’d picked up from the hamper. They’d almost stood on their own so he figured Youngbae had a point.

From the kitchen his rice cooker beeped and Seunghyun realized he’d been smelling his mother’s soup.

“Frozen leftovers are now... reheated.” Youngbae’s words were short and Seunghyun looked up to see him fighting to get the fitted sheet across the matress. He went to help but the room spun dangerously as he bent over and then Youngbae was there, arms at his sides, steadying him. He looked down to meet Youngbae’s concerned gaze.

“Go eat, hyung, I’ll finish in here.”

Seunghyun needed space, distance. He fled to the kitchen. As he sat he contemplated. How long had he been jealous of Jiyong, of Seungri? Even Daesung on occasion had been the recipient of Youngbae’s mothering. And here he was, now, in Seunghyun’s house, making his bed, making him dinner.

He couldn’t even name the rushing emotions that surged as he scooped his rice into his soup. A little plate of kimchi settled by his hand and he looked up and realized Youngbae had been talking to him for a while.

“Sorry?”

“It’s ok, hyung. Mind if I eat too?”

Seunghyun nodded. The cobwebs were starting to slip from his mind and Youngbae no longer looked like a pair of twins. They sat at the bar and ate, just like they had the first night they’d spent together in this house.

“It’s nice to not be alone.”

Youngbae hummed and slurped up the last of his bowl. “You done?” Seunghyun nodded. “Go sit in the living room and pick out a movie. I’ll be right there.”

Seunghyun looked like he was going to protest Youngbae doing the dishes but Youngbae had no patience for it. He narrowed his lips and glared and Seunghyun retreated.

“Do you care what we watch?” Seunghyun shouted and Youngbae shook his head.

Finishing up in the kitchen, he joined Seunghyun on the couch and plopped two large water bottles on the coffee table.

They sat and watched a rerun of Running Man.

“You know, you worry us, hyung.”

Seunghyun turned to look at him and Youngbae met his eyes. He opted for full honesty. “You worry me, hyung. I leave in a few days for California, are you going to be ok?”

“I’m fine Youngbae,” Seunghyun lied and looked away. “I’ll be fine,” he muttered.

“You know, you’re full of .” Youngbae’s language spoke for itself. He turned back to the television and grabbed the remote from Seunghyun. “I’m picking tonight,” Youngbae said as he flicked through the channels, mostly to have something to do.

“Bossy,” Seunghyun grumped but he didn’t fight it. He needed the company too much, though he hated himself for that.

The Grand Heist was playing on cable so Youngbae settled on that. It was about twenty minutes before Seunghyun spoke again. “I hate being around people. But I hate being alone.”

Youngbae slowly moved his fingers over the remote at his thigh and turned down the television volume, eyes not leaving the screen but not really watching anymore. Beside him, Seunghyun’s heart threatened to pound out of his chest but - he felt he owed Youngbae an explanation at least for all that only a tiny handful of people had ever gotten one before.

“It’s too quiet without people and the thoughts get too loud,” Seunghyun said. Youngbae nodded. He knew, somewhat, what that was like. “I just. I’m such Youngbae. Like why are you even here?”

“I thought we were friends,” Youngbae said to the television. Instinct told him that actually looking at Seunghyun would shut him down.

“We are,” Seunghyun said, emphatically. And in that moment he realized what that meant to him. “Thank you for being here, tonight.”

“Family can help,” Youngbae said quietly.

“Yeah mine’s all gone. Mom in the states, sis with her husband.”

“I meant us, the group.” I meant me, Youngbae thought pointedly.

“Are we that?” Seunghyun asked

“Sometimes I think so.”

“That would be nice.”

“Who else would understand?” Youngbae asked. “Who else has starved in a tiny apartment in Japan, stayed up all night in the studio for weeks on end, listened to Teddy-hyung tell us ‘again’ even though the last take was perfect, snuck out of hotel rooms to avoid the girls out front, eaten Seungri’s eggs.”

Seunghyun chuckled. Youngbae leaned towards him and Seunghyun reciprocated. They sat shoulder to shoulder, legs up on Seunghyun’s expensive coffee table, water bottles twin towers between their feet.

“Family is nice,” Seunghyun commented.

“How is your sister?” Youngbae asked, searching for any topic to keep Seunghyun talking. “I’ve always liked her.”

“She’s good.” There was a genuine lightness to Seunghyun’s voice. “She’s trying to have a kid, you know.”

Youngbae’s grin spread wide. “Ya, that’s awesome. Man, I love kids.”

“They’re ok, I guess,” Seunghyun said.

“What, you don’t want kids?”

Seunghyun shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen myself wanting them, honestly.”

The thought of not having kids rocked Youngbae. Kids, a wife, a family of his own, had been a central feature of every possible permutation of his hoped-for future. He couldn’t even contemplate a life without those, someday. “Wow,” he whispered.

“There’s nothing wrong with that!” Seunghyun said, voice tight.

“No, no of course not. I just - having kids and wives and families is what people do.” Youngbae looked at Seunghyun and added, “I always thought.”

“I don’t think I want that.” Seunghyun said.

“I think that’s ok. I mean you don’t have to.”

“I’d be a father.”

“Bull, you’d be a great father.” Youngbae was emphatic. There was no way Seunghyun could be a bad father. Except for the drinking, and prickly manner, and expensive taste and- no, Seunghyun would put that all aside for a kid, he knew.

“I don’t really like women enough,” Seunghyun confessed. “I mean I like them, I’ve dated a few but - I prefer guys.”

Discomfort settled on Youngbae’s shoulders. They’d always avoided talking about uality. It wasn’t that they avoided it, they just - avoided it. “Yeah? But I have heard of couples that do it anyway.”

Seunghyun looked at him with a blank, even stare.

“Yeah, you’re right.” There was no way that was happening. Not unless Seunghyun decided to leave showbiz altogether and move somewhere else.

“I dunno, I just don’t think I want them even. They’re nice but-” Seunghyun’s words drifted off.

“No, it makes sense.” As anathematic as it seemed, it did make sense. “I still think you’d make a good dad.”

“Hey, thanks,” Seunghyun said, not completely sarcastic.

They both focused back on the movie. Min Hyorin came on screen. “So I got her for my MV,” Youngbae said proudly.

“You’re blushing,” Seunghyun teased.

“Shut up.”

“She likes me best.”

Youngbae shoved at him with his shoulder. “I said shut up and watch the movie.”

For all that he’d apparently stayed in bed for a couple days straight, Seunghyun passed out quickly once they settled down. His head rolled on the couch before landing on Youngbae’s shoulder. Youngbae kept very still. Seunghyun had managed to sleep without alcohol and he didn’t want to do anything to disturb it.

He watched through the end of the movie, and the next movie. He watched straight through until infomercials were replaced by news reruns and his arm fell asleep.

Eventually Seunghyun shifted, heavy lidded eyes opening just enough to guide him into stretching out on the couch, head pillowed on the armrest opposite Youngbae, feet dangling in the air in front of his knees.

Blood flooded back into his hand in painful release and Youngbae sighed softly. He stood and gingerly guided Seunghyun’s feet onto the couch. Seunghyun curled into himself and shivered so Youngbae reached for the blanket thrown over an armchair.

Slowly, he draped the blanket over Seunghyun. He stood and watched Seunghyun a moment, heart aching. He looked like a little boy, face smooth and at peace. His dark hair dusted his forehead.

“Aish, don’t you have any shame, looking so peaceful after the scare you gave me?” Unbidden, Youngbae’s fingers moved to brush at Seunghyun’s hair. He sighed, “you do worry me, hyung.”

He padded away to sleep in the room he usually used but couldn’t help looking back, reassuring himself Seunghyun was ok. “It’s not fair you’re so pretty.”

Peace for his hyung was the only thing he prayed for that night.

Youngbae managed to drag Seunghyun out into public the next day and then spent the next night over, too, for good measure. So it was that when he found himself at 2 am panicking over packing for his early morning flight to California, Seunghyun was there to save the day.

“Wow, might as well move in,” Seunghyun said as he looked appraisingly at the pile of dirty clothes he’d dumped on the bed in Youngbae’s de facto room. He threw himself atop them, ignoring Youngbae’s shouts.

“I didn’t realize I’d been staying here that much. Hey, here’s where that jacket went.”

“It’s September, why do you need a jacket?”

“This from you,” Youngbae snarked and shoved Seunghyun off the dirty clothes to begin sorting. “Mind if I do some laundry right now?”

Seunghyun waved towards the laundry room. “Help yourself but you’re on your own for working it.”

Of course. Youngbae rolled his eyes. “You can borrow a suitcase if you want,” Seunghyun offered. Seunghyun felt the edges of depression his heart. He was going to miss Youngbae. Youngbae who’d cleaned him up and got him out of the house. Youngbae who’d worked some scheduling magic to actually have a day off before flying out for an MV filming. “I can help you fold, too.”

“That would be good,” Youngbae replied. “Hey, wanna hear something?” Seunghyun nodded and Youngbae pulled a flashdrive out of his pant’s pocket. “Here put this on.” He waved at the laptop he’d placed on the desk and Seunghyun complied.

Youngbae’s voice came through the speakers, the song he’d sung a few months back, actual instruments taking the place of Seunghyun’s beatboxing. Feeling self-conscious, Youngbae scooped up his clothes and walked off to the laundry room, leaving Seunghyun to sprawl across his bed.

He came back and Seunghyun hadn’t moved. He was still laying spread-eagled on the bed, eyes closed. The speakers were playing the third track. “Hyung likes this, Bae,” Seunghyun said when he heard the whisper of Youngbae’s slippers on the tile by the bed.

“I hoped you would.”

“Has the CEO heard it yet?”

“Not yet. I’m gonna play the whole thing for him after I get back. He’s not going to like it.”

“Yeah, it’s not his thing but, you should go for it anyways.”

“I’m not you, hyung, I can’t just walk in and say I’m releasing this song and that just happens.”

Seunghyun shrugged and grabbed Youngbae’s arm, yanking him onto the bed. “Shut up and listen to this, it’s good.” He scooched over to let Youngbae lie next to him and they listened to the whole album twice.

“Whatever happens, this is good, Bae.”

Youngbae was gone for days, filming multiple MVs, fitting a surprise live performance between that and putting the finishing touches on what he hoped would be an impressive album. Impressive enough, he hoped, to live up to two years of fan expectation and CEO Yang’s exacting standards. Seunghyun’s endorsement rang in his ears the whole trip.

He did manage another feat while overseas.

Youngbae 11:23 pm

She might like you best, but I got her number and a date.

Yeah, he was bragging but he couldn’t help himself. He, Youngbae who had no game, had actually had the guts to get her number and a promise for dinner. He’d been smart and done it before the bed scene. After the nerve-wracking anxiety of potential rejection had been faced, rolling around half on a bed kissing her in front of a film crew had been - well not easy but not as painfully awkward as it could have been.

Seunghyun actually had his phone on him for once to hear the notification go off. He read Youngbae’s text and smiled. If the smile was tinged with sadness, there was no one around to see it.

Seunghyun 3:22pm

Good for you! Fighting!

The dangerous more-than-friend feelings lurking in the corners of his heart threatened to surge. To be honest, they’d always been there, probably the only reason he hadn't cut Youngbae off entirely after the breakup with Jiyong.

Youngbae was ridiculously attractive in ways that pleased more than just the eyes. To have Youngbae turn his compassionate care on Seunghyun in full force, to have Youngbae sliding easily into Seunghyun’s home and life was going to be his downfall.

Seunghyun remembered Jiyong’s warning and begrudgingly acknowledged it. Jiyong had the right of it.

Seunghyun 3:22pm

“Hey, when you coming back?”

Youngbae 3:23pm

Day after tomorrow.

Seunghyun 3:23pm

Come over if you want.

Seunghyun thought through enough of what he was about to do to know he didn’t want to think it all the way through. He could, however, hear Jiyong’s voice calling him a manipulative as he called a few friends. Seunghyun had long ago accepted his damned fate.

Youngbae 3:40pm

Yeah! I will. Some wine and relaxation sounds good after the week I’ve had.

Seunghyun spent the next two days pretending he’d missed that text.