Taehyung

Ah.

Fresh minty air, cars speeding without restraint, thoroughly created and of modern design interiors, and rhythmic and dynamic music blasting on speakers...I guess I’m back. Really back. How long has it been, a decade? A few years? Oh. Right. A year.

Just a year since the week-off I finally had, though it definitely felt more than that when I spent it on trying to find her. I tried, I really tried. I wanted to win her back, maybe bring her to New York or wherever in the world I was going to be, but I was just too late. From what others said, she went back to Thailand just a few days before my arrival then. What fate, huh.

You probably would say that I should have tried looking for her in Thailand too, but even if I wanted to, I’m not a native. I’d be lost the moment I step in there, unable to speak or understand their language. I wouldn’t know where to start. Besides, my work wouldn’t permit it anyway.

Yes, my wretched work that caused me her. And though I hate how it tore us apart, I can’t lie that I regret it. Performing onstage in front of people of different nations is my dream, has always been and will always be. The exhilarating rush that crawls through my veins whenever I step on stage, whenever the warmth of the spotlight hits my face, whenever I hear the audience clapping their hearts out for us, I will never get sick of it.

I love my job. I love it so much; I thought I loved it more than her. But I was wrong; I never knew I could be in love yet miserable. Off-stage were the darkest moments. Not because the lights were infinitely dimmed, nor was it because of the music that faded into nothing, nor was it because of the crowd that has gone to their happy homes now. But it was because of the reality, the reality that she is no longer someone I can call mine.

Yes, the blame is all on me. I broke up with her. I chose my dreams over her. I left her. But do you really think I did that just for me? What would have happened if I chose both? If I travelled around the world while she got stuck here, wondering relentlessly where I am right now or who I’m with? If I tell her to wait for me even though there’s a chance I might never go back? Or if I brought her with me while her dreams turn into dust? Would both of us be really happy then?

And that’s why I had to be the selfish one, the hateful one. Because if I didn’t, I know Lisa would have sacrificed her goals, her life, her everything for me, and that would have destroyed me. I wanted her to live her life as much I was living mine, even if it had to be away from me. And I just hope, wherever she is right now, she is doing that.

God. I’m thinking about her again. I should be buying a present for a happy couple about to wed this weekend, yet I’m drowning myself on melancholic memories instead.

But I can’t help it. I just miss her. I miss her so bad. I miss her. I miss—

Lisa?

I rub my eyes twice, blink thrice.

Ah.

The familiar figure inside my favorite shop vanishes. Of course it does. It’s just my hopeless mind that wishes she was here, breathing the same air and walking the same concrete floor anyway. But that’s impossible because she went back to her home country already. Not here. Not anywhere near me.

Heaving a remorseful sigh, I retreat my steps towards the Gucci store and turn back. She may not be there physically, but there have been a lot of memories with her in there that would probably choke me to tears if I even let a strand of my gray hair in there.

About four steps away from the shop, delicate fingers grasp my shoulder, willing me to face the owner of them. A girl with her head tucked and palms on her knees pants in front of me, seeming to have run to chase me.

And then she lifts her face.

Even with her eyes still closed as she continues to breathe hard, I recognize her. And I wonder, am I about to die? You know, how the person you miss or have biggest regrets to flash before you just seconds before you die. Is this what this is? Is she appearing right through my mind as if she’s real because I’m a goner?

Tears start to brim my eyes in mixture of deepest repentance and pure bliss. My heart erratically beats, trying to escape my body’s hold of it. My mind goes blank. My wholeness shakes. A variety of emotions take over me and well, if this is what happens to people who die, I’d die a thousand times just to see and feel her a thousand times too.

But this has to be just an illusion, a crazy imagination or a vague memory

…But since when was her hair dyed a dark shade of brown?

“You dropped your—” her eyes, even though beautiful and big already, widen even more. She stutters with a sharp intake of breath, “T-Tae—Taehyung?”

Ah, what music it is to hear my name from her lips.

“Lisa.”

“You’re back—” The both of us say at the same time.

She continues to gape at me, staring at me from the top of my head to the tip of my brown leather shoes, disbelieving my existence as much as I doubt that God could be this kind to someone like me, presenting an angel in front of me.

“I didn’t know you were in Korea. The last I heard, you moved back to Thailand.” But you’re here. Are you back for good? Are you staying?

“I did. I’m just here for the wedding,” her expression still shaken.

Right. Of course. What did I expect? That she moved back just in case we run into each other like now? Stupid, she’s probably moved on already.

“When are you flying back?”

“Right after the wedding,” she looks away. “I’m leaving as soon as it’s over.”

“Ah I see." Think Tae, think! "Are you part of the entourage?” Please not, because if she is, that means she’d be needed for the rehearsals and all wedding preparations until the event itself. That means, no time for us to talk things over, etc.

“Yes.”

“Well .”

“Sorry, what?” A faint smile materializes on her face as she scrunches her nose and knits her brows.

A small burst of confidence suddenly emerges in me, “Are you free right now?”

“What?” A fit of giggles escape her, “I think I heard you ask me out right now, but I think I just misheard it so can you please—”

“I asked if you’re free for a cup of coffee, or an early dinner or whatever you want to do, as long as I can have your time again Lisa. At least for just a little bit.”

The laughter on her face freezes, her demeanor turns gloomy as she realizes that I’m actually serious and really wants to have “the talk”.

But I still try because this could be the last, and I’d hate myself if I don’t even try just a little bit in winning her back. I’d loathe myself even more if I don’t let her know how much I still love her despite leaving her, if I don’t let her fully understand that it was not her fault, not even an ounce of it, none at all.

“Please Lisa,” I clutch her hands; she glances on them with a wary expression and a tingling sensation that I thought was long dead revives within me. I miss this. I miss the feel of her in every way. I miss her even though she’s standing right in front of me, her hand in my hand. Her eyes shining brighter than the sun, her luscious lips kissable than ever, her slim yet fit body that used to fit mine perfectly, I miss it. I miss her.

It takes me a lot of self-control then not to entrap her in my arms and conquer her lips like I reign over it the way I did before. I plead, “We owe it to us Lisa. You know we do, please.”

“This is so sudden.”

“But it’s right,” I squeeze her hand and pour my desperation onto my voice. “It’s what we’re supposed to do.”

“No this is too sudden and unexpected and startling and—”

“Please,” I beg desperately. I can’t lose you again Lisa. I can’t lose you again just like this.

She finally looks me in the eyes and speaks in a volume I almost missed if my ear buds weren’t attached to her voice, “Give me time.”

What? Time? “But there’s no time,” I panic. “You have wedding rehearsals and all day from tomorrow until Friday. Then it’s the wedding on Saturday already and you’re leaving that very night too! So—”

Lisa cracks into the cutest giggles and shakes her head. When she catches her breath, she flashes me her breathtaking and unworldly beautiful smile, “You haven’t changed at all Taehyung.”

I know it’s ridiculous. I know we were just talking about something I’m perplexed or upset about, but I don’t really remember anything of it now. All I know is that the muscles around my mouth are stretched upwards in the widest possible manner because her adorable laugh, the familiarity of her, the genuine smile from her is enough to put the silliest grin on my face. I’m a fool for her.

“Give me two hours.”

“What?”

“I told you to give me time,” she chuckles yet again. “Two hours is the time I need.”

Oh. Ohhhhh.

“You’re doing it again. That expression when you learn something new, or realize something, that big box that your mouth does, you’re doing it again,” and her cheeks bulge in laughter.

“Oh, you mean your favorite expression of mine, the one you really love,” I wiggle my eyebrows.

Just when I thought our conversation is leading to somewhere already, her laughter slowly dies and her smile becomes constrained. “I’ll see you at seven,” she declares as she turns and walks away.

“Where?” I call after her.

“At our usual place,” she says without even a glance back.

But that’s okay, because we’ll have the whole night together with just us anyway. Hopefully, it becomes more than just a night.

Lisa

Oh.

My.

ing.

Gosh.

What did I just lead myself into?

Really? A date with Taehyung?

After all the hard work you’ve done to forget him, all the obstacles you had to overcome after all the hurt you felt, and all the self-respect and confidence you had to recover after feeling worthless when he left you, you just easily agree to go on a date with him Lalisa Manoban?

Have you forgotten all the piercing screams that deafened you every night when the nightmare of your breakup haunted you at night? Have you forgotten the exchange of curses, the shatter of the vase that used to hug the bouquet of lavenders he gave on your last date, just a few days before he killed your soul? Have you forgotten how much you loved him only to hear him say, “I don’t love you that much; not enough to choose you”?

No.

Not.

Never have I ever forgotten that. And I promised myself I would never feel that way again. I would never let myself get in an inescapable black hole ever again.

And I know I’m usually stupid and overemotional and just really, really, stupid, but I know that what I’m doing is right too. This is not just a sudden outburst because we unexpectedly met.

We do need to talk. We need to settle all feelings left, no matter how hurtful it will be once again. This is what’s best for us, for me and for him.

I’m doing the right thing.

Right?

Right…I hope.

Okay.

Okay!

Moving on to more pressing concerns…What should I wear?

Should I don on a dress that perfectly describes innocence and goddess-likeness and show him what he’s missing on, or should I go for something revealing like a low-cut cropped halter top and tight black leather shorts that screams, “This is the body yours is craving but will never have a feel of it again”?

Hmm…

Ah.

Ahhhhh!

I should wear me! Show him the exact perfection he left for his career! Shove in his face that I'm still me and that nothing has changed whether he was gone or not. That I never blamed myself nor was I ever deeply broken nor given up on life. I'll slap it to his face as if those aren't all such big fat lies. That I’m doing okay, very much more than okay actually.

That’s it—yep not an ounce of bitterness—that’s it!

I wear my deep v-neck salmon pink silk top over a simple white tee and tuck both in my favorite and overused black denim ripped jeans that snugly fit the whole length of my legs perfectly. I finish my look then with a pair of chunky earrings, a Louis Vuitton sling bag and a pair of gladiator sandals.

Alright!

I’m ready.

You can do this Lalisa!

You can do this.

Taehyung 

You must be wondering where I am waiting for the girl of my dreams. Well here are a few hints. It’s a magical place. It’s what kids and children-at-heart like me and Lisa call heaven. Exhilarating rides and exciting stalls, boring haunted house filled with clingy couples…yep, our usual place is the amusement park.

I look at my watch. Tick-tock, it’s now six forty-five.
Hmm…I think I’m too early. She’ll probably be here after twenty more minutes. She’s always been late, I doubt that changed over the years.

I recall then all the long hours I had to endure, all the games and books I have finished, and the images of her I illustrated on my sketchbook as I wait for her. Every time I asked her why she was late, she manages to give me a different reason all the time.

One time, she animatedly explained that she couldn’t be on time no matter how she wanted because Sorn, her Thai best friend who resides in Korea too, needed help with her outfit for her date night and it was just a matter of life and death. The other time, she said her neighbor’s dog had no companion and she just couldn’t leave such a cute being alone. Ah yes, there was also that time when she explained that the oh-so-soft and warm blankets of her was strangling her for a good hour, keeping her stuck in the bed without a choice.

But despite all those ridiculousness, I couldn't  care less. I couldn’t get mad. How could I when she greets me with sunshine on her face? Her beaming smile that outshines any glittering star in the sky makes every second of waiting worth it.

Tick tock, it’s now six fifty-seven and I can’t help but rub my eyes twice, blink thrice on the second miracle of today. She’s early, she’s three minutes early.

And for some weird reason, I hate it. It’s weird. It’s different; she looks the same but is still different.

Why is she early today?

“Hey,” she smiles, no longer the bright and big grin she used to flash me before. It’s controlled, it’s limited. It’s a smile yet it’s so sad. It is way different than before and she’s becoming different than before.

“Hey you too early bird. Did the shower not to you this time that you actually got on time?” the joke earns me a laugh, thank God. When the atmosphere lightens up, I ask full of concern, “What’s up?”

“Nothing’s up Taehyung,” she slightly tilts her head and continues to smile at me with a forlorn look I want to erase from her face. “Just, things change Taehyung. Things change.”

Things change? Does she mean that—no. She just means that a lot of things have happened; it’s been three years anyway. Of course, something like this isn’t that such of a big deal. She even dyed her hair brown. I mean yeah, her smiles is now less stellar, her laughter less boisterous and more careful, but the very her…she’s still as beautiful as ever.

And that's it Taehyung. Nothing to overthink about.

"Oh my God that was so fun!" Lisa's adorable gums make an appearance, "Definitely much better than that lame horror house!"

We settle then on a quiet bench, with ice cream cups in our hand that we just bought after riding the death defying T-Express, a roller coaster that has a speed of around 140 kilometer per hour at a 77-degree angle, also our fifth extreme ride of the night.

"Oho! Is our Lalisa a brave independent woman now?" I tease.

"I try to," she shrugs with a smile.

"Well I miss the scaredy-cat Lisa!" I miss the girl who used to back-hug me, her fists tightly curled on my shirt, hiding from the pretend ghosts and using me as a shield. I miss the girl who used to need me.

"You're just saying that because you want skin contact!" she giggles.

"You know me so well Lalisa Manoban," I wink at her, somehow getting more courageous with every smile of hers despite the uneasy feeling that's been creeping on me since the start of this date.

"Only because you haven't changed, at all," she sighs, the emotion behind it unrecognizable. She then asks with a serious tone, "How do you do that? How are you exactly the same from the first time we met?"

Lisa

It was a summery afternoon in winter when we first met.

My childhood friend of more than ten years and boyfriend of five years from secondary high school broke up with me during our date in a very famous amusement park in Thailand.

It was unexpected; it was dreadful. We had fun from morning till late afternoon of that day. We rode the wildest rides, filled our stomachs to the fullest, held hands and kissed in between everything. So to say it was a shocker would be an understatement.

He broke up with me in an ice cream place, before I could even have a scoop of my bubblegum ice cream, “I’m sorry.”

Confused of the sudden apology then, I blurted,

“What?”

“I, uhm—I’m into someone else,” and that how it was over. I think he also uttered some words such as “didn’t mean to”, “too far”, “just natu