Chapter 5: Pain

Kwon Jiyong was standing with hands shaking, his heart beat so fast almost hurting, not sure if it’s sadness, anxiety or madness that he felt right now, or the three of them altogether slowly consuming his soul, messing up his chest and head.

Since the day he learnt that she was carrying his baby and all the mess that followed her, he couldn’t stop blaming himself. And he was so late, this alone had easily torn his heart, he would never forgive himself. If only his aunt didn’t text him, abusing her own power to let him learn this information, he would be still in zero knowledge, and knowing Eunji very well, she would never tell him himself.

It truly broke his heart that Eunji left him clueless even until now, leaving him behind with pain he doubtfully could handle. This pain was new. As if she let him abandon her, as if she made him leave her in this mess. How could she do that to him? Why did she let herself handle all of this without him, taking all the pain and left him out?

When he first lifted his fist, with a weak strength knocking her wooden door, anger was slowly filling every inch of his vein with dangerous thought. He perfectly knew how selfless his love was, he knew better than anyone that Jung Eunji would do anything for other’s sake. But he thought he wasn’t other, he thought he was special, he thought she considered him to be the half part of her. Yet here he was still, standing outside her house and knowing nothing.

He missed her, of course, putting aside all his stubborn idea that he could live without her; that it’s what’s always best for both of them; that he needed to move forward just like what she wanted—like what he wanted. It was so easy, yet hard at the same time. When he recalled, it was a complete foolishness that he believed he didn’t need her next to him. All of this was a lie, a stupid denial. People might see G-Dragon was chasing his life time dream with passion and eagerness, but deep inside—where he couldn’t even touch back then, he was living with a hollow. And she was the only capable to fill it back.

Why did he only learn it now? Like a complete coward.

He knocked harder as the question proposing a dangerous theory inside his head. The feeling blinded him, it blocked his mind to work like normal, as if his normal state sounded much better than now. This pain crawled inside his chest, poisoning his mind, as if eating every part of his body, leaving him with a strange and new rage.

Did he abandon her? Or was it her … abandoning him?

Jiyong lost his composure right when he heard her faint voice coming closer even before she opened the door. It was her, he told himself as if he needed to be told. He saw his fist trembling with mixed feeling he didn’t plan to elaborate. What he knew was that all those feeling were fighting its strength to burst out, to finally celebrating their freedom. And he didn’t hold back. He had no strength to do that.

When he felt the door was pulled in the opposite direction, he knew he might mess up everything that’s already broken.

The limits of his patience were judged by milliseconds as he caught the glimpse of her revealed behind her door. His hands made its quick way onto her neck, cupping it as he stepped forward. He kissed her, touching her lips roughly, impatient, and maybe anger was the one taking control. Jiyong pushed them together inside and he ditched his gentleness the moment he barged into her closed lips.

He kissed, he , he touched like a mad man, to prove himself that it wasn’t a dream, that she was real, that he would never lose her again.

And he heard a faint whimper, and a push towards his chest followed.

“Sun-bae! Stop!” she begged.

But he resisted, coming back to her lips as he circled his arm around her waist with strength he wasn’t aware of. Jiyong managed to bring her even closer to him, almost lifting her petite frame. The continued, his hand made a reckless move on the back of her head, trying to match her angle in his direction.

It was when he felt a sudden pain stung his cheek.

She slapped him hard, and tears coming after.

Flustered, Jiyong opened his eyes and witnessed the upset look upon her defensive glare.

“What were you doing?” she demanded between those falling tears.

“I can’t stop,” and he provided, not even affected by the tingling heat on his cheek. It’s flushing, getting even redder a second after.

He ditched the pain, bringing his hands back to her cheeks, gently wiping her tears. And he came closer again, proposing a tender kiss right under her eyes. But she refused with another push.

“I said stop!”

And it was his warning.

Let loose his grip, Jiyong made a step backward, giving her enough space to face him. The anger he felt before was now crawling back along with the wicked thought.

“What you’re doing here?” she asked with raw anxiety filling up her voice.

Strange enough, her question was stinging more than her slap did. Hurting right on his chest. Her eyes were reflecting fear, something he had never imagined from her. And her voice was shaking, deliberately refusing his presence.

“I’m taking you back,” but he didn’t flinch a bit.

“That’s … not gonna happened,” coldly she replied, her eyes avoided his gaze, “please go back.”

Exhaling his frustration, Jiyong let slip his groan out, “I’m not letting you live in this ty place. I am taking you back, Jung Eunji!”

Startled by his stern voice, Eunji stared back with the same frustration. “You have no right.”

Her eyes were cold and hurting.

It was his second warning.

Jiyong made another step backward. Breathing in, trying to take down his anger. She was stubborn, he knew, and it’s not how it’s supposed to be done, he knew too.

“I miss you,” he finally loosed. “I miss you so bad I don’t know what to do. It hurts me seeing you’re hurt like this. I can’t possibly let this continue,” his voice softened, and it was a lie if she wasn’t affected. “Please come with me,” he continued, “let’s go home.” And he closed with offering his hand.

There was no doubt in his voice, it was love. Something so familiar to her heart, something she’s used to for so long, something … she missed.

But she didn’t deserve it anymore. For the second time, she avoided his eyes.

“I can’t …”

“Eunji, look at me,” his voice gently lured her back to him, “I’ll manage everything. You don’t have to do anything, you just have to come with me. I will fix everything, I promise you.”

“No … you can’t. I can’t let that …”

“Stop being so stubborn for a sec, listen to me this time. I promised your manager to bring you back. I can’t let you live by yourself so far away from me. Eunji … let’s go.”

“Sunbae, this is not right. I don’t want to be a burden for anyone—

“I’m not anyone for goodness’ sake!” he yelled, eventually. Losing grip of his composure, letting the anger took control. So desperate, and this conversation was getting more like a losing game he’s never fond of.

She flinched, stepping backward almost immediately. The fear that’s reflected on her eyes returned and it snapped him back.

“I’m sorry,” he immediately fixed. Awkwardly looking away, giving her time to adjust to his frustration.

They let a pregnant silence indulged them with him quietly scolding his short temper and her studying his quick changed reaction. He returned to the Kwon Jiyong she knew, it soothed her back to ease. Something that she wanted to grip selfishly for herself, unless it was now something impossible.

“H-how’s Paris?” she decided to break the silence.

Still avoiding her eyes, he replied, “I’m canceling Paris.”

“What do you mean?”

Jiyong breathed in, his determination returned, “Eunji, I am coming back to you. I can’t do Paris anymore.”

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