Chapter 1: Protocol

It’s Thursday, perhaps—vaguely she remembered. There was a routine practice on Thursday. No clear explanation up until now, none the convincing one, why her group still had a routine practice although they weren’t having comeback. No new song, no new choreo, basically nothing. What they always did was repeating what they had, two times for each song, for half a day. And then talked, a lot.

Maybe it’s why they never skipped the routine. To talk, and to see each other.

Since everyone left the dorm and chose to live separately, they never missed the practice. It seemed like one strong reason. Although some of them returned home—living back with their family—there was a missing part, and seeing each other was a way to complete it. This could simply explain why on Thursday they woke up early, had enough breakfast, sang in the shower, had a weird smile and stuff, because it basically excited them.

But Eunji didn’t go today, neither everyone.

Standing in front of a full body mirror inside her bathroom, her eyes glued on her flat stomach.

“It doesn’t make sense,” she murmured. Her voice was a bit hoarse, the aftermath of sobbing all night long. There was a possibility that she wouldn’t be able to speak clearly today. was aching, not that she had consciousness to care about it, though.

Her eyes were still bloodshot red, increasing the chance to get a pity from people. Certainly, it wasn’t on the plan. It simply couldn’t be helped. Crying was now her routine since she was told there was something inside her womb.

Something she hardly believed coming to her this soon.

Being a mother was her biggest dream. It’s what completed your life as a woman, she always said. Her friends were well known of this side of her. Eunji was always good with cooking, housekeeping, taking care of people, and although she looked all bright and moved a lot, she was actually such a delicate person.

She many times mentioned how being a mother was her real life goal. She wanted to hold her own children, hugging them by her own hands, keeping them safe from the harsh world. And whenever anyone brought this topic, she would never get tired to describe her perfect plan to raise her babies—and her eyes always sparked in pure excitement. When she had started, she could hardly stop.

One time, with no particular intention, one of her friends asked her in which year she wished to achieve that dream. Back then, she excitedly answered as soon as possible. But now, that it was inside her this soon, she was as if lost what she always dreamt of.

It blocked her sense. All her imagination faded, the principal, the guideline, the plans, all gone. Since her doctor said it was nine weeks old, which was ten by now, her consciousness was damaged. Nothing seemingly sane inside her head, it’s simply black. No direction as to how these all worked.

Breathing weakly, Eunji grabbed her robe and walked out the room. Today would be a long day.

She chose something modest, a plain pastel dress with slightly darker cardigan. She only put enough make up to cover her bag eyes and her puffy cheeks, it was the hardest. When she met her eyes on the mirror, her tears escaped again.

Halting from putting lip-gloss, she pulled her feet on the seat and hugged her knees tightly. She let the emotion took over her body once again. Her breath started fastening in unsteady rhythm, it soon would hurt her chest.

Her makeup ruined only in couple of seconds, not that she cared though. Once she recalled the memory that shouldn’t be there, only heartbreaking cry would follow.

“What should I do?” Between her hiccups, she begged herself to come up with an answer. But nothing followed.

And the hardest part was that she clearly knew there wasn’t a way out. She’s done. Her life, her career, her future, it’s reaching the end, and it wasn’t a happy ending. She’s sure.

When she finally did the math, it’s only yesterday—almost a week after the visit, she found the number was strange. It shouldn’t be nine weeks, she decided, it should have been more. The last time she met him was way longer than seemingly nine weeks. That was certain. She would never be able to forget how messed up they were that night.

It was so painful, even until now she could immediately feel a pang on her chest whenever she recalled the night. If it’s possible she would like to have her memory erased.

She proposed the idea, although he was the one who seemed to need it the most. It hurt both him and her, she cried, he did too. They loved each other, it was certain, none of them would ever deny. The way he called her name, the way she replied, it only spoke love. His gaze, her kiss, his groan, her moan, the touch, the breath, the cry, all were what they believed was love. With nothing but heartbreaking silence they hugged each other one last time before the break up.

It seemed that pain had messed up her memory, she never forgot the night but anything after was unclear. And this pregnancy only put more salt on her wound. How could she even tell him? They weren’t together anymore. And she wasn’t fond of the idea using his inside her womb to tie him back. She let him return to his original path, she shouldn’t be the one breaking his heart again.

But…

It was only yesterday, her mind was at its best state and some pieces of her memory rely to tell her the missing part. It wasn’t his, the memory harshly told. And her world seemed to stop.

“Oh god, what … should I do?”

She never thought of any other man to complete her life. Since he came to her life three years ago, she felt completed already and although things weren’t possible anymore she thought the answer was still him, and always be him.

Being with him had her eyes opened of real love. She had never felt in love the way she felt for him. It’s new, odd but addicting. He’s strange, but she was too—to fall for him in the first place. He was never been on her list of ideal man. He didn’t seem like one, this, almost the majority of her friends would agree. But then, close to him gave her more access to see what people didn’t, that his biggest dream was actually to be a father just like her who wanted to be a mother; that he had never been able to make a simple omelet rice, it’s always ended with catastrophe whenever he tried; that he actually could beat her in singing with the lowest key; and many more.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning, not that the rest was any better though. They were so different, and the range was too large, people said. And although they never agreed, they never argued either. It’s undeniable, their world was simply different.

It might seem perfect, being companion for each other. Her smile was a new reason for his life, and it worked either way. They closed their eyes and continued what people saw as idiotic persistence. And as expected, they couldn’t keep pretending to be fine when in fact they weren’t, staying had only been hurting each other.

Actually, when she learnt she was pregnant, there was a small joy coming with it. The thought of having his inside of her got her mind a bit composed. Although she didn’t know how it would solve, but she knew he would come up with an answer better than her… until she learnt the truth.

“No,” she quietly denied. “It’s better this way … it’s better …”

That’s what she believed.

He had to stay where he belonged, and this would keep him away.

And what about the other guy?

She raised her chin, eyes blurred. Her tears blocking her vision. Folding her hands on her knee, she leaned her head while staring at a small piece of paper stuck on her mirror side—next to many colorful sticky notes. She didn’t even remember it had been there since she returned home from that day. She remembered crumpling it away once, maybe she took it again from the trash bin, this—she didn’t know why.

Strange. Why did she keep it? There wasn’t even an intention to see him again. Two months ago, she believed she didn’t need those numbers, and she still believed. They agreed to call it nothing. Again, she’s the one strongly proposed. It was a mistake, a big mistake. She blamed herself a lot.

But he was reluctant, she vaguely remembered. She cut his words when he’s offering to at least have a breakfast togeth