If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

  -If I Die Young, The Band Perry

Ji and I just finished our lunch when I asked him to buy some ice cream for the apple pie he bought. I was feeling hungry that day. It was a rare occasion nowadays when I would feel a craving for something so Ji would always indulge me.

“I’ll just go to the store so don’t cheat on eating the pie without me. Wait for me, okay?” he said, making sure I follow him.

“I promise” I said, like an obedient girl and kissed him just before he stepped out. “I love you.”

“I love you too”

After Ji left, I went to the kitchen to slice the pie. The doorbell rang so I opened the door, thinking Ji forgot something but I saw the postman instead.

I received a letter addressed to Ji from the hospital. I was curious what the letter was about and so I opened it. I knew it was unethical of me but I felt something wrong about it.

When I read the letter, my mind went blank and I felt a cold chill up my spine. My knees buckled and so I held on to the side table to prevent myself from falling.

And conversations flashed through my mind of things that should have made me aware about Ji’s condition before now.

“except for the time when he sounded off 3 months ago but that was because he said he had the stomach flu”

__________

 “You’re not thinking of jumping are you?”

“Of course not noona, that would hurt a lot and I don’t know if you’d be able to save me again.”

“Then what were you thinking about?”

“That I don’t want to die, not right now anyway.”

___________

“How about you Ji? Would you tell me why you?”

“Tried to kill myself?”

“I didn’t like myself anymore. I was tired of the same crap. Not having anything worth living for.”

“Have you told your parents about this?”

“No. and please don’t tell them noona. I don’t want to hurt them. I realize my mistake now and I’m actually glad to be alive”

“That’s good to hear Ji.”

“Actually it’s all thanks to you. I have a reason to live now.”

___________

“It took me a failed suicide attempt just to see you again. And now that I was given a chance again, I‘ll be damned if I let you get away from my life again.”

“Look, all I’m asking is a chance. I’m not making any promises, but I do know one thing, I’ll regret it if I don’t at least try. When I saw you again that day at the hospital, I felt like a dying man given his life back.”

__________

“What’s unfair is you not letting me know. And it would’ve still been my choice if I wanted to stay by your side and love you. God, we wasted so much time Dara.”

“Weren’t you the one who said, love is complicated and that our hearts would break many times before we get it right? We have a chance to do what’s right. It would be unfair for me to not ever hear you say you love me.”

__________

“Is it so bad for me to marry the girl I love? If you are right and you only have a little time left, don’t you want to spend it with me? If I also had a little time left, I know I’d want to spend it with you.”

“But what if I die then leave you?”

“Then I’d cry and grieve which is only normal, but it would still be worth it. I’ll take whatever time you have because I love you. Besides, even marriage does not guarantee eternal happiness. Doesn’t the vow go something like ‘for as long as we both shall live’ or ‘til death do us part’?”

________

“Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by you. Was I selfish to love you Ji?”

“I’d probably do the same. You could love me now then leave me tomorrow. So long as you love me”

“Ji, I’m scared”

“Then let’s be scared together.”

________

The table wobbled and off fell a picture frame of me and Ji at our wedding. I looked at the cracked picture frame like a bad omen.

“Ji…”

It’s been 10 minutes since Ji stepped out of the house. I was scared so I went to follow him.

It was a 5 minute walk from our house. I was standing on the street corner opposite the convenience store, watching Ji come out. I was again able to breathe freely seeing him but I had a good mind to scold him about hiding things from me.

Ji noticed me standing there and he looked surprised. Who wouldn’t? I’ve hardly been out of bed at home and I barely walk around the house because of the joint pains. But worrying about Ji, made me forget the pain.

He smiled as he made his way towards me, waving the ice cream in his hands.

I smiled back, waiting for him to cross to my side.

But it never happened.

In the blink of an eye, a truck lost control, coming dangerously fast and hit Ji.

It happened very fast but everything seemed as if it was in slow motion, I saw him with a surprised look on his face as his body lifted from the impact and how he landed unceremoniously on the pavement.

I didn’t even have the time to scream. I ran to his side immediately.

Ji was still alive, his breathing uneven and coughing up blood though he couldn’t move. Looking at him, I knew he had several broken bones and that his ribs must have punctured his lungs.

I asked the bystanders to call an ambulance immediately. If we could just get him in time, he’ll still make it. I did not want to think of the other scenario if we couldn’t.

“Hold on, Ji. I’m here” I said as I held his hands.

“I’m sss…sorry” he said.

“Don’t worry. When the ambulance comes, I’ll get you to the hospital and we’ll fix you up. I won’t let you…I won’t let anything happen to you.” I promised.

“Something’s hhhhappened… to me already… IIIII’m sorry… for lying Daraaa....” he confessed with difficulty.

“No, don’t speak like that. It’s alright. I know already. A letter came by today and I just read it. I was mad at you initially for lying then I felt hurt that you’ve been keeping things from me, but I understand why you did the things you did.   We could still get through this Ji. Promise me, it will be you and me until the end.”

“IIII just…wwwanted …ttto be with youu …and nnnot …mmmake you worry” he said, his breathing more difficult, coughing up blood.

“Don’t speak anymore Ji. Please” I begged. I was wondering how long we’ll have to wait before the ambulance comes.

“I lllove youuu” he said, coughing up more blood.

“I love you too Ji.” I said reassuring him and kissed him on the lips despite the blood.

“Please hold on for me” I pleaded.

“Everything… wwwill be… aalright. I’ll… wwwait… ffffor… youu…” he said, managing a weak smile before he broke in a gasp and then he stilled.

I felt his hands go limp in mine and watched as the light in his eyes go dim.

“Oh God! Nooo!!! Ji!!!” I screamed.

The doctor in me kicked in. I tried to resuscitate him by myself. I did my cardiac compressions, not wanting to let him go, willing his heart to keep on beating. My arms were soon growing tired but I still couldn’t get him back.

“Please, please, let me save him again!” I was screaming inside my head. If God was out there somehere, I wished He was listening in to me at that moment.

The ambulance came in a little while, but there was nothing more they could do. They had to pull me away from him so they could remove his body.

I saw them take away his lifeless corpse. Ji was already somewhere far away now, out of my reach.  My arms felt tired and empty without him but nothing beats the emptiness boring a hole in my heart.

When is it right to give up the fight? When is it right to let go of the one you love? I felt sorry I could not do more for Ji. I felt sorry that he had to go like this. I felt sorry that I was left alone.

I was crying in the unfairness of it all. I thought I would be leaving him because I was sick, turns out he’d be leaving me sooner.

I went back home to call our parents and inform them of what happened. Ji’s body was already at the funeral home and I’m here to pick out his clothes.

I saw the forgotten apple pie on the kitchen table and winced.

“I’ll just go to the store so don’t cheat on eating the pie without me. Wait for me, okay?”

“I promise”

I chose the black suit he wore on our wedding where he looked so handsome. I could still recall it as if it were yesterday when we exchanged vows.

“I, Park Sandara, take thee Kwon Jiyong, as my lawfully wedded husband. You’re everything I never knew I was missing. You’re the love of my life. I love and cherish you with all that I am for the rest of my life. ”

“I, Kwon Jiyong, take thee Park Sandara, as my lawfully wedded wife.This moment is everything that I have been waiting for.  This is a once in a lifetime thing for me. You are mine as I am yours. I have always loved you and I will go on loving you with all that I am for all of my life.”

I was given Ji’s wallet and I was going to put it in his bedside drawer when I saw a letter sticking out addressed to me.

My Beloved Dara,

The only reason you’d be reading this is when I have gone before you. I don’t know how long I’ve got but the doctors said within a year or two so I was hoping I’d hold on and follow you. But obviously, I was wrong.

I am sorry to leave you alone. If I were given a choice I would never, but as it is, mortality kicks in when you least expect it. But maybe it was better this way, because if I had been left behind, I might do something bad again just to follow you. I don’t think I could bear losing you even just for a day.

By now you would have deduced that the reason why I tried to kill myself was because I was dying anyway. But you saved me and gave me a reason to live.

I’m sorry if my love for you was selfish. Not letting you know that I was sick. At first, I was just hoping that you’d let me love you but then you loved me back and it changed things for me. I wanted to confess to you but I found out you were sick too. I was already worried that you were worrying about your sickness that I did not want to worry you with mine.

You should believe that I already did love you when I was fourteen and as a man, you will always be the one I love. You’d never admit it but I think you also already loved me then.

 Our timing but I don’t regret a minute of it. God gave me a 2^nd life to be with you and it’s the best gift anyone could ask for. I was so happy the day you told me you love me and I was even happier when we got married.

I’m not good with goodbyes. You have to recall how terrible I was when I was fourteen. So I don’t know how to do this properly. So let’s just forget about goodbyes, because it is something I could never do.

Instead, I’ll just leave you with a promise.

If there was a heaven somewhere, I’ll be there and wait for you. It won’t be too bad as we have forever ahead of us.

And if reincarnation exists, I hope in my next life, we’ll be the same age or I’m the older one so you won’t have an excuse again And so I could go about courting you properly.

I really do hope we could fall in love all over again and pick up where we left off. I love you too much not to think that our love would go beyond death and maybe even into the next life.

So until then, know that I love you and will always love you.  

Jiyong

Everyone thinks I saved Ji’s life but it was actually Ji who saved mine.

God must have made it possible for us to meet again because I needed Ji to save me. I have been living the way I thought was best but I didn’t know I could live my life differently, better. I was grateful of the time I had with him even if it was for a while.

Ji taught me how to live and how to love and finally how to let go.

Everything happens for a reason even if we don’t understand it, but it is always at the right time. I may never know why things had to be like this for Ji and me but I know enough that God isn’t cruel. He has his reasons, and I trust Him.

I was dying but it was just a part of the natural order of things. I wasn’t scared of death, not with Ji waiting for me. Who knows? Maybe in time, we’ll meet again.

“I love you too Ji, so much that I know my love for you will remain even as I breathe my last. I won’t be long.  Wait for me, my love.”