You said it again my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark,

And I'm in love and I'm terrified.
For the first time in the last time
In my only life.

                                    -Terrified, Katharine Mcphee

Ji and I went out again but I was feeling out of it so I asked him to take me home. On the way home, he was being annoying again pestering me with questions.

“So have you changed your mind yet?” he asked.

“Not now Ji.” I said annoyed, feeling myself getting drained.

“You always say that. If not now, then when do you want to talk about it?!’” he asked in a raised voice.

“I don’t know. You’ll know when I know” I said trying to end the conversation.

“Will that time ever come Dara?”

“What do you want from me Ji? If you’re so impatient then why bother sticking with me?!” I lashed back.

“I guess because I’m just a glutton for punishment. What’s your problem Dara? You never give me straight answers. What more should I do?” he pleaded.

“There’s nothing you could do Ji. You’re not the problem, I am.” I admitted as tears escaped from my eyes. There’s no point hiding things form him anymore.

“What are you saying?” he asked alarmed.

“I don’t have much time left.”

“What do you mean?” he asked looking every bit in denial.

“I mean exactly what I said Ji. I was diagnosed with leukaemia when I was 4 then I had treatment and eventually I got better. That’s why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place. My parents allowed me. I love being a doctor. It gave me sense and purpose.  That even if I can’t save myself, I could save others. I was in remission for many years but then it just recurred. We always knew it would. My prognosis this time is not that good.”

Ji looked as if he just got punched in the stomach. Staring at me with wide eyes, opening and closing his mouth but no sound came out until…

“So you’re like dying? Is that what you wanted to tell me?” he finally said.

“Yes.” I whispered.

“And you couldn’t be bothered to tell me this?” he asked in exasperation.

 “It’s why I never wanted to start this with you in the first place. It would be unfair to you” I admitted.

“What’s unfair is you not letting me know. And it would’ve still been my choice if I wanted to stay by your side and love you. God, we wasted so much time Dara.” He said bitterly.

“It was my choice and my decision. Didn’t you think I was hurting too?” I pulled out from my shirt the necklace he gave me.

“You kept it?” he asked in surprise.

“Of course I did. You gave it to me. I thought at first that when you confessed to me it was just a schoolboy crush, a passing thing. One you would get over. It hurt me what I did to you but I thought you’d get over it. But then the look you gave me that day when you told me we couldn’t be friends again, broke my heart. It made me rethink and re-examine my feelings. And I thought maybe I’d reconsider in a few years.”

“And?” he prompted me to continue.

“Years passed and boys came and go but I could never bring myself to fall for anyone. It was easy not to when I think about my sickness recurring. I never thought we’d meet again. Meeting you again has changed all that and I don’t know how to cope with death, with you in my life.” I said, the truth already out in the open.

“You could start by saying how much you love me.”Ji said, feebly trying to joke.

“But it doesn’t change the fact that I would still be unfair to you. I don’t want to love you then leave you. Just thinking about it breaks my heart” I said.

“Weren’t you the one who said, love is complicated and that our hearts would break many times before we get it right? We have a chance to do what’s right. It would be unfair for me to not ever hear you say you love me.”

I stared back at him, encouraged by his words. I’ve been holding out on myself for a long time, restricting myself from loving him. Maybe it wasn’t too late for us yet.

“I love you Ji.”

He pulled me into his arms and wrapped them around me, looked at me with eyes full of happiness, and kissed me. I never thought kisses could get any better but right now I’d say was the best yet. Ji kissed me with a love to last a lifetime.

His lips parted from mine, kissing my nose and forehead before touching his own forehead with mine.

In a breathy whisper he asked, “Will you marry me?”