Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

- A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

“This is not funny Ji” was my first reaction, breaking free from his embrace. I did not want him to pity me.

“I thought you love me?” Ji asked confused.

“Of course I do. But it’s not fair what you’re asking. It’s like offering candy to a diabetic. Do not tempt a dying girl Ji.” I warned him.

“This is not a pity ask Dara. Is it so bad for me to marry the girl I love? If you are right and you only have a little time left, don’t you want to spend it with me? If I also had a little time left, I know I’d want to spend it with you.” He said calmly.

How could he be calm about this? He was carrying the pressure better than I thought. Or maybe he’s just pretending for my sake? Not acting scared. I’ve known this for a long time and I’m still scared.

“But what if I die then leave you?” I asked.

“Then I’d cry and grieve which is only normal, but it would still be worth it. I’ll take whatever time you have because I love you. Besides, even marriage does not guarantee eternal happiness. Doesn’t the vow go something like ‘for as long as we both shall live’ or ‘til death do us part’?”

I thought over what he said, appreciating how mature he has grown and how solid he was in his love for me. Maybe I should be like him and put a stronger faith in our love for each other.

I stared at him, his face a mirror of seriousness and determination. If he was so set to marry me, why should I deny him the only thing I could do for him? Besides, I already told him I love him, why not go the whole way, right?

“Yes, I will marry you.”

It was only a small wedding filled with our family and close friends, but I loved it just the same. Our parents had been ecstatic although I know they worry for us.

As the time for the ring ceremony came, Ji and I recited our own vows as we slipped the rings on each others’ fingers.

“I, Park Sandara, take thee Kwon Jiyong, as my lawfully wedded husband. You’re everything I never knew I was missing. You’re the love of my life. I love and cherish you with all that I am for the rest of my life. ”

“I, Kwon Jiyong, take thee Park Sandara, as my lawfully wedded wife.This moment is everything that I have been waiting for.  This is a once in a lifetime thing for me. You are mine as I am yours. I have always loved you and I will go on loving you with all that I am for all of my life.”

Ji and I had a wonderful honeymoon. Right now, I have never felt this bliss and content in my life, not even the satisfaction I get at being a doctor compares to this.

We moved into our own house not far from our parents. Both Ji and I decided to stop from work although we both know the reason why I’m not coming back. And I think Ji doesn’t want to return to work because of me, because he wanted to spend as much time with me. 

He made married life feel fun and easy. He always took care of my needs; feeding me with his superb cooking, massaging my back and feet, reading me books and accompanying me to my hospital visits.

But still, I worry when the time would come I would succumb to my illness. Ji and I don’t talk about it much but it’s always there lurking, silent and deadly.

We were already 6 months into our marriage. Ji would not speak about it, always calling me beautiful, but I know I’ve been looking worse.

I had poor appetite recently and been losing weight. My body has become thin and my face has lost its chubby cheeks. I look pale and my hair has lost its luster. More bruises are coming up and I could feel pain in my joints when I stand and walk. So I stay in the bed most of the day with Ji beside me.

I woke up from a nap earlier after I felt tired and found Ji sleeping beside me with his arms wrapped around me. I looked at his handsome face, realizing he also looked tired and seemed to have also lost weight. I felt guilt wash over me over his sacrifices for me.

Sometime from now, I would leave him alone. I love him so much that the thought of being apart from him scares me. I don’t even know how I was able to live without him all those years ago.

Tears then leaked from my eyes and my shoulders rocked from the crying, which woke Ji up.

“Baby, why are you crying? Are you hurting?” he asked full of concern.

I could only nod through my sobs.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Here” I said as I pointed to my heart.

“Oh! Come here.” He said as he opened his arms and embraced me in a tight hug, rubbing my back to pacify me.

“Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by you. Was I selfish to love you Ji?” I asked.

“I’d probably do the same. You could love me now then leave me tomorrow. So long as you love me”

“Ji, I’m scared” I confessed.

“Then let’s be scared together.”

We made love differently that day. Unlike the first time where we were both driven by passion, it was tantalizingly slow and gentle.

As if we had all the time in the world.

With every look, kiss and touch, Ji erased all my fears, that when we were one, I was reminded that I got it right.

Because being with him at that moment, I am exactly where I should be.