Seulgi isn’t sure when she starts seeing Joohyun differently; in such a way that it teeters dangerously between the lines of platonic sisterhood, and something else entirely.

It’s hard to pinpoint it accurately, but the most concrete memory that outshone many, many instances of seemingly innocent hugs and hand-holding in the span of years of friendship, was a moment that surfaced odd feelings beneath the seemingly happy-go-lucky façade that Kang Seulgi had learned to wear from early on.

It was one of the many mornings (and the hundreds, no thousands, that are to come, though Seulgi wouldn’t know that yet) spent with Joohyun. It was hard to tell where they were whenever Seulgi would close her eyes and try to conjure up images of that day, but such was the case that this seemingly benign event happened in such a vital turn-point for their adolescence, the age of new-found independence and discovery.

Whenever she tries to relive that fateful day in her head, Seulgi thinks it is strange that she can’t tell exactly what happened before or after that oddly specific moment, or even the reason why they were together. It is as though the memory lay there to purely and solely to haunt her head, sending her insides to a never-ending turmoil of repressed feelings, and unwanted loneliness and confusion.

The feeling of gentle fingers brushing carefully at her cheek, the familiar grin that could radiate across a crowded room (lopsided; the left side always quirking up higher than the right), and the face—the oh so perfect face—that Seulgi swore was the prettiest. (But would never voice directly out loud—because, is it weird to call your best friend the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen?)

Ba-thump.

It was, at this very exact moment, on a mundane day, that Kang Seulgi first felt the tell-tale signs of romantic love.

Her heart had skipped a beat (something she thought hadn’t been humanly possible, up until that pivotal  moment), a tingly feeling amassed her stomach, and when she turned away—completely flustered—she could still feel the points of where Joohyun’s fingertips had brushed; cheeks flushed.

And for a while, Joohyun had been a living bitter-sweet memory. Behind every action of endearment between them lay the unspoken fantasy of wanting more than what should happen; there also lay the shadow of that unfathomable secret that Seulgi had always kept close to her heart.

It shouldn’t happen, Seulgi knew. It was a pubescent phase, hormones running rampant, and, God, what would her parents think?

And so she tried to forget.

It wasn’t hard to accept affection from others as she grew older; Seulgi’s well-respected and with enough repute to garner appraisal and attention from her peers, thus, eventually earning admirers like. What was hard was that with every date, every time she held hands with a guy, and even when she gave away her first kiss not so long ago, everything significantly paled to being together with Joohyun. It felt as though they were all cheap imitations to what Seulgi really, truly wanted.

(Even with her eventual grudging acceptance to her feelings, after long moments spent mulling over whether it was ‘just a phase’ or not, some part of Seulgi still wishes for things to have gone on differently. Stupid feelings.)

She never told Joohyun any of this, of course, knowing that this would displease the girl. (She never really asked, but Seulgi can somehow tell what irks and pleases Joohyun, through the years of being with her. For reasons unbeknownst, until recently that is.)

Seulgi didn’t anticipate the obstacle that nearly taints the memory of that one day with Joohyun completely—didn’t anticipate the arrival of Bogum in the story.

Truthfully speaking, she had not expected Joohyun to so readily adhere to his advances. It wasn’t because Seulgi thought him to be unworthy of her—‘Who could be more worthy than the school’s golden boy? Joohyun’s president?’ she would think harshly later on—merely, although she would grudgingly admit that together they did hold a somewhat aesthetic appeal, the Joohyun that she’d known would have never fallen into the arms of a man so readily.

Or perhaps more had been going on behind the closed Council doors than they’d let on.

It had hurt Seulgi—more so than she tries to admit to herself—and for a while, an aspect of her life descended down to a vapid turn.

It eventually led to a breakdown that, out of all the times, just had to be in front of Joohyun. Though it proves to be a therapeutic episode of sorts, achieving the closure they needed (Seulgi doesn’t tell her about that, of course), and from then on the, the pain had marginally lessened by a fraction.

 Park Bogum is a pleasant person. Chivalrous, courteous, and just when Seulgi had decided that yes, heartbreak isn’t the death of you (even if it means encountering it every single day when she sees them both; Sundays are a day-off from pain if she’s lucky, because sometimes Joohyun is too busy to call her) and maybe, she’d get over it and—

“Hi.”

Seulgi jolts out of her reverie at the breathy greeting uttered, attention perking up. She scrambles up from her seat, and goes to make a half-step forward to the lower-tiers, hand outstretched, before awkwardly pausing halfway before the newcomer.

“Unnie,” she hushes out, eyes automatically wandering up and down at Joohyun. Her uniform is in impeccable form, save only for the loose ponytail she ties her long hair up in. Seulgi can see strands sticking to skin, and she quickly diverts her attention to the bag held in front of Joohyun’s grasp.

(Seulgi’s one to talk. She’s still in her gym attire, and she’s certain she looks spent out.)

Seulgi hadn’t expected Joohyun to keep to her promise. Seemingly, when Joohyun had brought up the prospect of having lunch together yesterday afternoon when they were in the bus home together, Seulgi hadn’t expected her to put it to heart. (For one, they hadn’t had a school lunch together in years, differing lunch periods to blame. Add Joohyun’s Council duties on top.)

Suffice to say, a small part of Seulgi guiltily berates her for even considering skipping out on this meal with Joohyun.

Joohyun smiles, breaking the short-lived silence, as she looks up at Seulgi. “Let’s have lunch?” And with patented leather shoes scuffing the matted grass at the base of the bleachers, she makes her trek upwards, to the third tier, where Seulgi stands, staring dumbfounded.

Seulgi doesn’t remember sitting down again, but when she gets to her senses, Joohyun is sitting on the same pew as her, dexterously and methodically taking out canisters of side-dishes from a bag and arranging them on the wooden surface in-between the two. A dry smile makes its way to Seulgi’s lips, whilst remembering Joohyun’s odd obsessiveness with the color purple, as she eyes the lunch bag’s lavender fabric, jostled with every movement.

Her eyes drift to the space between Joohyun’s brows, and then to her pink lips, before Seulgi catches herself doing so—and in an abrupt motion, turns away sharply, silently reprimanding herself. She clenches her fists as she feels her cheeks burn in shame.

It isn’t wrong to want it again, is it? Not when we’ve done it before, a small voice, at the back of her head squeaks out. Seulgi blushes even harder at the insinuation. They haven’t—Not since—

“Let’s eat?” Joohyun’s voice causes Seulgi’s attention to snap back to her, the other having finished setting the meal. And despite Seulgi’s inner turmoil, she takes time to admire the display before her—and not the girl across.

A gasp of pleasure escapes her lips, and Joohyun grins at her reaction. “Unnie!”

Seulgi plucks a piece of shrimp from one of the canisters, and she all but moans when it disappears in in a matter of (milli-)seconds, feet kicking up and all. Joohyun laughs at the reaction.

“Is this how you have lunch everyday?” Seulgi asks, half-jesting and half-curious. She tries to think back to a time when she had lunch with Joohyun, and scarily enough, she realizes the last time to it being a long, long ago time ago.

Joohyun doesn’t respond immediately, and when Seulgi really looks at her (excluding all the minute glances she’s been stealing all this time), she sees a pink tinge coloring her cheeks.

“No—it’s,” Joohyun stutters, before taking a breath, and then starting over again. Seulgi quirks a brow, Joohyun hardly ever gets flustered around her—then again, recent events say otherwise, with hidden revelations coming to light.

“It’s been a while since we ate together, and I thought it would be nice to—“ she doesn’t finish her statement, and instead makes a half-hearted sweeping gesture at the display.

A warm feeling washes over Seulgi as she realizes that Joohyun did all this for her. She had long since convinced herself that her feelings would always go one-sided, only for Joohyun to suddenly break that mindset with a single press of her lips against hers.

Sometimes, it all still feels like a dream.

“L-let’s just eat,” Seulgi mutters, a strange mixture of embarrassment and giddiness fluttering within her stomach. Joohyun hurriedly nods, handing over a pair of chopsticks to Seulgi. Seulgi flinches when their fingers brush, and distracts herself by brushing her other hand over her wind-swept hair.

Summer draws nearer. Days are longer, and warmer. Is this a date? Seulgi wonders as she looks up into the sky, munching into a mouthful of gimbap, as a stray cloud moves to shade the enormity that is the field, and a pleasant breeze blows past them, bringing with it the smell of summer and Joohyun.

“Is it alright for you to be out here?”

Seulgi hears a laugh. She turns just in time to see Joohyun shaking her head in response; Seulgi numbly looking at her before reacting in a frenzied panic, not expecting an answer to her rhetorical question.

“What!? When you asked me to lunch, I thought you had a free period—Yah, Joohyun! What if—”

Seulgi sputters out, only stopping when Joohyun holds a palm up to silence her, eyes still glittering mirthfully. Seulgi’s had her fair share of trouble with teachers (somehow, it comes with being friends with certain people—or a certain labeled ‘delinquent’, more like), but Joohyun’s record is crystal clean. She couldn’t have Joohyun in hot water at her expense!

“It’s fine,” she says, while picking up a piece of kimchi and popping it in .

Seulgi’s brows furrow, baffled at her nonchalance. Because is this not the same Joohyun who had warned her beforehand, about hanging around friends such as Park Sooyoung?

“Everyone’s working on finishing up their term papers. I told Lee-sunsaengnim I’d do it in the library.”

Seulgi’s mouth falls open in shock. A half-formed protest leaves. “But, this isn’t the library and—“

Joohyun rolls her eyes at that, as if to say: Obviously, Seulgi.

Seulgi continues, ignoring that, “—you’re graduating. I don’t think it would do good for a violation to appear on your record all of a sudden. Not when all these years you’ve kept it spotless clean—“

“It’s my mistake.”  Joohyun cuts in, all of a sudden, breaking Seulgi off her tirade and train of thought. Her attention is on the food, however, and she takes a piece of pork and another piece of kimchi. Seulgi gets the message to start eating, and she leans forwards, hovering her chopsticks in between the select selections.

Inwardly, Seulgi worries that she’s irked Joohyun, but when she discreetly looks up, while pretending to decide contemplating whether to take the pork or shrimp, she catches Joohyun staring at her.

Her cheeks instantly flame up, for what is apparently the hundredth time on that day, and a tiny grin—she doubts Joohyun even knows she’s making that dopey expression—instantaneously forms on Joohyun’s lips, as if it were an immediate response to every blunder she makes.     

The air feels different, tinged with something Seulgi cannot describe. It’s odd because she’s known Joohyun for so long that she should feel comfortable enough with her; but with recent feelings come to light, not everything can be brushed off with a good-natured chuckle to reassert the platonic state of their relationship.

She promptly decides to take another piece of shrimp, since it was nearer to her side, and perhaps, there is a chance that Joohyun would not see how badly her hands are nervously shaking.

(Joohyun does see, and a strong wave of affection flows over her, along with the sudden and absurd thought to feed Seulgi herself.)

It’s comfortable, and if Seulgi were to close her eyes, she would have imagined that they weren’t at school. Only sounds of distant traffic could be heard, and they’re far enough from the campus buildings for a semblance of peace. The occasional clink of metal utensils, the swoosh of the wind blowing to and fro, and the sound of Seulgi’s beating heart.

“I didn’t mean to worry you.”

Seulgi perks up, to focus on the girl across her. Joohyun carefully sets down her utensils and with one hand, brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. Her heart rate noticeably picks up, and she swallows.

“It’s just, all this time—all these years, I’ve felt like I was putting everything else ahead of—no, I thought, I was prioritizing the right things. Given,” Joohyun shrugs, ”they were all for a good cause—to get into a good school, college, and eventually work. For a long time, I thought I was doing the right thing—and, this doesn’t sound weird does it?”

Seulgi shakes her head silently. Joohyun’s always been the more mature one of them too, and at that very moment, Seulgi could feel the unspoken rift widening into a schism, dividing them two. Seulgi lowers her eyes.

“It’s okay, unnie.” She says, quietly. “Y-you were doing the right thing, and I was—“ she stops realizing how different they’ve become over the years. You were doing the right thing, and I was doing whatever I wanted.

As much as Seulgi hates it, she had always picture Joohyun to be on a high pedestal above the rest. Try as they might for a fraction of what they always had to remain unchanged, countless evenings going home together, Joohyun waiting for her every time she was held back for detention or study hall, all those moments had felt like an added weight to the growing insecurity that she wasn’t worthy enough to be with Joohyun.

 She doesn’t want Joohyun to make another exception for her. Clearing , she stuffs with more food, despite losing her appetite all of a sudden; for an excuse not to talk.

Joohyun’s expression is unreadable. Seulgi wants to laugh at how she can’t even tell what Joohyun is feeling now.

“I’ve—it felt like we were growing apart,” Joohyun quietly says after a while. “It was my mistake, I should’ve prioritized being with you—or all this, wouldn’t have happened.”

Seulgi stares at her. A strange buzzing feeling replaces the calm that permuted her body, filling her ears. She clenches her jaw reflexively. “Prioritized?” She sets her chopsticks down in a flurry, settling her clenched hands over her lap. “You talk as if I were a job in the Council that you could have done better.”

Joohyun’s eyes widen, pink lips in a cute oh shape, and Seulgi silently curses how beautiful she still looks.

“Joohyun-unnie. Please—you don’t need to take care of me. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m—I’m—“ you best friend who has always loved you “—not a charity job. So please.” She looks away, knowing her next choice of words would hurt Joohyun. “You don’t need to hang around just because you felt like I needed it.”

I like you. Or do I need to say it out loud, too?

So much for that.

Seulgi stands. “Don’t trouble yourself with being with me. That—that kind of trouble—“ she falters when her gaze drifts over to Joohyun, head bent, hands folded, “—you don’t need it.”

They’ve spent days skirting around each other, ever since they’ve kissed—dancing in between the familiar and unfamiliar—with kisses on the cheek, the usual hand holding, and everything else. This, Seulgi realizes sadly, must be the conclusion to it all.

“Thank you for the meal.”

Seulgi bends down to arrange her chopsticks on the wooden seat, placing it in between the canisters. Then, she breezes past Joohyun, steps firm and sure, about to decidedly make her way down—

“I’m sorry,” she hears, accompanied by a sniffle.

Oh no.

Seulgi’s eyes widen. A crying Joohyun isn’t good. No, not—

She finds herself doubling back, and then kneeling in front of Joohyun. She looks up desperately; watching Joohyun frantically dab her eyes, as she holds on to one of her hands. “I’m sorry—are you crying?—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it—“ Seulgi repeats over and over, her turn to apologize. She rubs a thumb back and forth over the back of Joohyun’s hand, resisting the urge to do something stupid, like caress her hair, or something.

“Please stop crying,” Seulgi says again, heart crawling into as she’s never made Joohyun cry before. “I didn’t mean—“

“You did, you—“ a hiccup bubbles out, and Seulgi winces, “—you meant it.”

Seulgi shakes her head. It’s unfair to blame Joohyun on this, and Seulgi knows she’s the one at fault. Blaming her on her insecurities, putting it all on a social perspective—she shouldn’t have pushed it all on Joohyun, knowing that deep down, they are all excuses for the silent question hanging over their heads, the elephant in the room.

Joohyun can’t help it. And neither can Seulgi. She tells Joohyun so.

“I just—here, have some water—I don’t want you to feel obligated to be with me. Just because we…kissed that one time… it doesn’t mean—“

Seulgi stops when Joohyun breaks her hand away from her grasp, moving it to cup Seulgi’s face. She blinks up at her, at the pink-tinged nose, and the barely red eyes.

“I like you,” she says with conviction, and then, repeating Seulgi’s words, “I care about you because I like you. I worry about you because I like you. And—“ her eyes drift lazily, almost dreamily to Seulgi’s lips,”—I want to be with you because I like you.”

“Joohyun…”

“So please don’t think—or say—any of that. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this.”

It’s you. I like you. A lot.

Seulgi gazes helplessly at Joohyun’s eyes, searching desperately for something—anything—that would show her insincerity.

Gentle fingertips brush her cheeks, the familiar grin up close—only this time, marred with tears. Seulgi doesn’t dare close her eyes. I know, unnie, she wants to say. Because I’ve wanted this for so long—too long.

 Joohyun’s eyes flutter shut as Seulgi pushes herself up.

Seulgi tastes tears and somewhere far off, she hears a bell ring.

--

Author's note(12): Eep! I'm too tired to edit this, so I hope there aren't any mistakes. Whilst rereading the previous chapters, there were honestly so many cringy moments so I do apologize for that. This story started out as an experiment, so I guess I got carried away in some parts (awkwardly laughs). This chapter, in a way, is an experiment in itself, too.

Rereading (and cringing to) old chapters aside, comments are well-appreciated :) There's always room for improvement!

PS: I was reading a bunch of manga and manhwa recently, so I guess that explains the mild drama-esqueness of this chapter?