Breathing You In

If I take a deep breath

I’ll become completely addicted

I felt it from the first time I saw you

The feeling that I’d get wounded if I touch you

Saying that if I give my whole heart I’ll get hurt

It’s funny, it’s pathetic

But I think it's the truth.

Don't call me a coward if I run away.

Just chase after me

                                   -Excerpt from JongHyun’s lyric notebook

I slammed my back into the wall next to Noelle’s apartment door, the closed entryway behind me holding everything that I needed but was too afraid to take. My knees go weak and instead of fighting it I let myself fall to the floor, feeling my head thump against the solid brick of the building. My heart feels like it’s been torn from my chest, and the ache leaves me gasping for breath. When I can move again, as if I’m on autopilot I manage to make it out to my car, but once I’m inside it the tears begin to fall. I feel my face scrunch up in despair and confusion, the sting of Noelle’s rebuff eating away at me. When had our beautiful day become a horror show? She’d always made me feel this way, like the world was falling out from underneath my feet and she was the only steady ground.

I wanted more than anything to tell her that she was the only one, that I was only happy when she was with me. But Noelle was right, there was a large part of me that was scared to death of what telling her that would mean. We would no longer simply be friends. We would be crossing the line into something more and I was afraid of more. More meant new feelings and new pains, things that I had gone through once and didn't know if I was ready to experience again. And how could I explain my feelings without telling her the whole truth?

Because the worst part of all of this was that she still had no idea who I really was. And what would happen to us once she found out? Noelle had no clue what it was to be famous, to be a Korean idol. More than anyone else, we were looked at, criticized, and held to a higher standard because of our chosen field of business. If walking down the street with me in America had made her feel nervous, how could she ever deal with being in a relationship with me? If being with composer Kim JongHyun was too much, could she ever handle being with JongHyun of Shinee? The whole thing had become a mess and I didn’t know how fix it. I had thought that keeping Noelle at a distance would make me feel relieved. Instead I hurt more than ever before and because of my anxiety, I had hurt her too.

B1A4’s Lonely plays quietly in the background of my studio, the lyrics making me long to call Noelle. It’s only been two days but my thoughts are full of her and full of regret. I want to take back what I did, call her and apologize. But what could I say to fix what I had broken between us? And could I trust my heart to Noelle when all that I knew of love was that it could break you and leave you with nothing? Maybe it was best to leave things like they were, maybe I was meant to be alone.

The instant notification from Kakao Talk jolted me out of my thoughts, my unused pen held in midair as I stared at my phone on the table top. The brand new IPhone that I’d covered with a plain silver case buzzes insistently yet again, signaling a call from the app. Letting out a deep sigh, I school my features into a facsimile of cheerfulness as I slide the notification over, beginning the four-way video call. The faces of my members popped up on my screen, the call’s chat function switching each person's face to a full screen as they spoke.

“Kim JongHyun, how long are you going to ignore us?” Onew hyung spoke first, his unique tone floating out from the screen. His usual smile was firmly in place and I knew I wasn’t in trouble for not having contacted the guys sooner.

“Mianhe, but I think you'll be glad I didn't call. I’ve had some inspiration here in New York and I have ten songs ready that we can start to working on. I’ll be sending you guys the files later on today.” I try to ignore the glaring fact that all my songs are ones that I’ve written about Noelle, the sappy lyrics, upbeat tunes, and sad melodies all dedicated to the woman who holds my heart. I feel the members around me heave out a collective sigh, their relief at me having composed again palpable.

“Inspiration?” MinHo smirks at me knowingly. “What kind of inspiration?” I feel myself blush at his words, and I think about my kiss with Noelle, the one that had inspired a track I’d simply titled Burn.

“My muse is in fact a female,” I say, noting TaeMin’s giggle and deciding to ignore it. “It's amazing; when I'm with her my mind is just bursting with ideas for songs. She triggers something in me, I can't explain it.” While I’m gushing out loud, I imagine Noelle in my mind’s eye, hear her tinkling laugh and see her wonderful smile that makes me long for her all over again.

“We’re happy for you Jjongie, but what are you going to do when you leave?” KiBum asks me hesitantly. As usual he has no problems speaking his mind, and his words bring me into the present.

“Leave? Why would I leave?” I ask, unable to keep the confusion from out of my voice.

“Uh, to come back to Korea. You can't stay in MiGuk forever,” MinHo spoke up. With a sharp tug my heart protested his words.

“I hadn't thought about it,” I tell them honestly. In fact, I hadn’t thought of much but Noelle for the past two months and going back to Korea hadn’t even crossed my mind.

“Well you should, even if she does give you inspiration. She's just a friend, right?” TaeMin insists. I thought about saying that that’s all she was, but the remembrance of Noelle’s eyes and the force of our kiss keeps me silent for far too long. A hot blush rises anew on my cheeks and KiBum lets out a groan.

“You didn't JongHyun-” he begins.

“I didn't- we didn't,” I manage to stutter out. “Listen it's none of your business,” I say feeling flustered and embarrassed. I can't tell them that what me and Noelle had was beyond fleeting, that it had stopped before we'd even begun and it was all my fault.

“Well, I have actual good news,” KiBum spoke up again, his face breaking out into a bright smile. “A few months ago Aliah found out that she was pregnant. I'm going to be an appa!”

The boys and I let out loud whoops as KiBum laughs, his eyes glittering with happiness. One jealous tug pulls at my heart but I tamp the feeling down quickly. Now isn’t the time to feel envy; one of my brothers is starting a family and joy for him supersedes any other feelings.

“Omo, we'll all be uncles! I'm not old enough to be an uncle,” TaeMin laments loudly.

“Then we'll leave you out,” KiBum says jokingly. TaeMin sticks out his tongue at the older boy and I laugh out loud. I had missed these guys more than I'd thought.

“Everybody's in love,” MinHo complained. “Me and TaeMin are the only ones playing the field.”

“What about me?” JinKi said with a raised hand. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“You don't count, you still love chicken the best.”

“Ha ha,” JinKi laughs sourly, his perpetual smile turning into a scowl.

“Well, TaeMin’s still in love with NaEun so technically you're alone,” I point out to MinHo.

“Yah! Hyung, I told you that in secret!” Our maknae yells out in rage.

“What secrets? You should've told JinKi if you wanted it kept quiet.”

TaeMin pouted and I smiled as our youngest was once again acting like a child, despite the fact that he looked manlier than ever since leaving the army. While TaeMin had been grown for a while yet, his features were still as delicate as ever. But since his time in the service, he had an air about him that spoke of a deep maturity. He smiled a little less, joked a little less often. He had taken his singing and dancing seriously, becoming even more well-known internationally after his solo concert tour. It had been unsettling at first, to see our little brother finally all grown up, but a large part of me was extremely proud of who he had become.

“You and NaEun have been playing that game of cat and mouse for years. Every time you see each other you just pretend like the other person’s not there. Even the fans have noticed,” KiBum laughs loudly. “You two haven't fooled anyone.”

“Right, can we stop talking about my love life? JongHyun hyung's is much more important,” TaeMin says huffily.

“What do you mean? There's nothing going on,” I say defensively, half angry and half sad that as of two days ago it’s the truth.

“You say that Jjongie but when's the last time you even mentioned a girl, let alone liked one?” Onew shoots back.

“I didn't say I liked her!” I yell again, frustrated at them and myself. I had missed the guys, but they knew me too well; they could clearly see that I was hiding my feelings and wouldn’t let me rest until they knew everything. But I really didn't want to talk.

“Kunho,” I huff as irritation and self-perseveration makes me cut the connection between me and each of my members one by one, ending their calls until only KiBum is left.

“Hyung, wait!”

“Make it fast Bummie, I'm all talked out.”

“Then just listen. Didn't you once tell me that I was letting fear hold me back? Didn't you say that I had to give myself a chance at love? All of us know your past is keeping you locked up inside, but it doesn't have to. You can let it go and try again.”

KiBum’s earnest face peers out from the screen of my phone, and despite his seriousness, he looks happier than I've ever seen him. Is it possible that I could be as happy as he is? Do I even dare to take the chance?

“And if it happens again?” I ask him quietly, not unaware of our role reversal. I hadn’t realized that fear had taken so much control over me; when had I become so scared of love? Here was Noelle, willing to give me everything, and I was too much of a coward to take it.

“Then we'll be here to pick you back up, just like before. Trust us and trust yourself again. If anyone learns from their mistakes, it's you. Don't just run away because you're scared.”

KiBum’s words sink in and I think about Noelle, the way I feel about her, the way she seems to see so much more of me than anyone else ever has. I realize that I'm not willing to lose that, to lose her because I'm still dealing with something that happened years ago.

“Just when did you get so smart?” I ask KiBum jokingly, my voice almost breaking from the tears that are trying to escape my eyes.

“Marriage will do that to a man,” the younger boy laughs and cuts our connection on his own.

I chuckle and lean back on my couch, feeling lighter than I have in forever. Is this all it takes; to just let myself fall again and know that I've made a good decision? I know this isn’t the end because now I have to take that next step. I need to see Noelle and tell her how I feel. I only hope that she can accept it.

Now that I've made my decision I can't bare spending one more second away from Noelle. I drive to her place as quickly as I can, nervous energy making me bounce impatiently on my toes as I wait outside her door. I have to forcibly stop myself from knocking repeatedly on the solid metal and I take a deep breath to settle myself.

And it's a good thing I do because I feel my breath catch in my chest when Noelle opens the door. I let my eyes drink in her presence, soothing the ache that had built up inside me. Noelle is as beautiful as ever, her hair spread around her shoulders in loose waves, straighter than I've ever seen it. Her outfit of skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt hold me in place as I take in her curves, accentuated by the close-fitting material. And finally her face, her beautiful eyes widened in surprise and full lips parted slightly. I take it all in within seconds and I almost forget why I came.

“I didn’t expect to see you so soon,” she says with a question in her voice and I jump at the opportunity to answer it.

“Only an idiot would stay away after he knows he’s made a mistake. And even though I’ve acted stupidly, I’m no idiot. Can I come in?”

She lets out a low snort, moving aside so that I can enter her space. I look at the couch and memories of our kiss assaults me. She gestures for me to sit there with her but I decide to stand instead, needing to focus.

There's an awkward silence while I get my thoughts together, and Noelle stares at me appraisingly while I do. I notice the red her eyes and I can't help feeling like a jerk for making her cry. I forget about the speech that I had practiced on my way over here; nothing comes to mind but the bare truth and I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

“I used to be afraid of falling in love,” I start on a whisper. “Back then I was caught up in my work and I knew that I didn’t have time for a relationship. But usually things like crushes kind of sneak up on you, and at the time it had happened anyway… The resulting time was a horrible experience and we ended up hurting each other, becoming practically strangers. It was only later that I figured out it must not have been true love; we gave it up way too easily. Because when you love someone you're supposed to fight anything and everything in this world to be together." I step towards Noelle, taking her hands in mine. It feels so good and so right that I never want to let them go again.

"For the first time, I feel that way with you. Ever since I saw you, being with you isn't just a want anymore; I need to be with you. It’s like all my emotions are coming out of me even if I wanted to push them back. And to be honest I don't want to anymore. All my senses are attuned to you; I feel like I live to see your moods and your smiles. Hearing your voice makes me smile without even realizing that I'm doing it. Writing music is my passion and since I've known you you've been my inspiration, my muse. But if I never wrote another song again, then I would still want to be with you.”

“Noelle, I know that I hurt you, but I don't want to mess this up; I want you more than anything. And I think... I would like for you to ease my sadness.” I let out a huge breath, feeling shaky after releasing so much pent up emotion. Noelle says nothing as she looks at me, her eyes searching for something; what it is I don’t know but I’m praying like hell that she sees my desperation, my need for her to understand me and embrace my battered self. Because even though I’m broken, I feel like Noelle can put me back together again. If I lose her, what will I become? When she finally opens to speak, my body tenses in response, already prepared to be cast aside.

“That was a very good apology,” she begins, giving me a watery smile.

“It’s the truth and it’s how I feel Noelle. I’m sorry that I hurt you. Will you give me another chance?" The silence stretches between us, and I feel my insides shrinking up in fear. I couldn’t help but think that no matter my reasons, I had lost Noelle and the thought of it made my throat close up, keeping me from saying anything else as she continued to stare at me.

A/N:  SO! :P  I know you guys are so curious right now huh? Guys I swear I love writing about JongHyun, I really feel like his self in real life is possessing me when I do his chapters. But ignoring my delusions, sorry this post is so late! It's almost been a month; no wonder most of my views go down after the first chapter lol, people probably forget I'm still writing. Still, I hope you guys enjoyed and check out B1A4; they're the first group I ever listened to in K-pop and made me take that first step that led me here! Lonely and Be My Girl were the inspirations for this chapter so go take a listen :), Anyways I'll stop rambling now so Comment Upvote and Subscribe for more content! Love you guys <3