Trapped

Like an angel you saved me

Like the devil you imprisoned me

The need in me calls out to you

Won't you please answer me?

Now I can't seem to leave you

Without leaving a part of my soul behind.

Whether I cry out for you or not

Now you're always there waiting for me

Even if it’s just a memory.

                                                            -Excerpt from JongHyun’s lyric notebook

The time that had passed since I’d last seen the woman sitting next to me had been like sleeping with a permanently broken heart; I had ached for her as if I’d never see her again. And I couldn’t help but acknowledge that there was a possibility that I would have to live without Noelle. Her heart was fragile but she had never been weak. If anything she would’ve been able to make it without me. With her beauty and passion, she would naturally pull people towards her, make those around her fall deeply in love. But for me she was the only one I wanted close; for years girls all over the world had thrown themselves at me, but she was the only one I knew could make me happy.

Noelle’s fingers rested lightly on the keys and my own hands covered hers gently, making sure not to add too much pressure so that the piano wouldn’t sound. I tried not to shake because of my anxiety, but inside my heartbeat raced at her words and I felt panic rise up from my chest, the tightness making it hard for me to take a good breath. I was so feeble around her, so vulnerable that I could barely recognize myself. I had been alone all my life and at some points had even relished my solitude. But here I was too needy for her; forever wanting her touch, her smiles, her everything.

“I need you to tell me all of it Jonghyun and this time, please don’t leave anything out.”

Her tone was slightly higher than normal as something like a small laugh coming from as she spoke. But when I looked into her eyes they were wet with unshed tears and uncertainty, the confusion barely shielded. I knew that I had put that look there, knew I was always the one hurting her and once again she was giving me a chance to redeem myself. I so wanted this chance but I knew excuses wouldn’t fix what I had broken between us. The only thing left to give was the unblemished truth.

“I never wanted to be an artist; did I ever tell you that?” I asked her, not looking her in the eyes but directing my attention to our clasped hands. At Noelle’s head shake in the negative I smiled.

“I guess I rarely told anyone but that’s the reality of it. Before I pursued music I wanted to be a poet. Since I was small I’d always had the compulsion to write out my feelings and writing music only increased it into a passion; when I found out that my singing abilities were greater than I’d assumed, that’s when I put my all into becoming an idol.” I gave a stilted chuckle of my own and finally looked up into the large brown eyes of the girl I loved. “It was the biggest and most beautiful mistake of my life.”

I turned away from my piano and stood up from the seat, taking Noelle with me as I moved to the loveseat that was positioned in the corner of the room. Sitting down close together, our palms were still intertwined on one side while my other hand played with her fingers, fascinated by each slender digit that ended in perfectly rounded nails. It took a moment but I calmed myself, ordered my thoughts so that I could help her understand. It was possible my betrayal was deeper than she had imagined.

“I was always sensitive, I admit that. It was hard for me to be in the spotlight, hard for me to handle the world’s cruelty that was spewed out in abundance in the entertainment industry. I found that it was easier to push the feelings deep inside than to deal with them, easier to laugh than to cry out. I told myself that I was ok when I wasn’t, but even I didn’t know just how bad it had gotten. When I went to the military without my family, without the members, it was like there was a sickness eating away at me day by day. I thought of little else but my time spent as an artist, performing for fans and the person that I presented myself as. I was living a lie and I realized that it had been years since I’d been truly honest with my family, my friends and especially myself. The truth was that I was crashing fast and I was seconds away from burning up in the aftermath of the collision.”

I managed a small smile when I saw Noelle’s worried expression and as I pressed my hand into hers she squeezed it firmly, not saying anything. But when I could handle looking at her again, her face showed only sadness and pity. I didn’t want to see it, couldn’t bear for her to see this side of me, but that had been the root of my problems all along. I was afraid of censure, afraid she wouldn’t love me if she knew who I really was. But now I could finally say what I had been thinking since the moment she walked away from me.

Seeing that back view of her at the airport as she left me standing there and knowing that she may never come back had hurt too deeply, had made me feel like losing it in front of all those people. I didn’t know how I’d held it in, but now those tears came flooding out from my eyes and I brushed them away with hurried swipes, not wanting to stop because what I had to say next needed to be spoken.

“I was drowning Noelle and I was going under so fast that I didn’t even realize how far out I was; I couldn’t imagine reaching land anymore. Life for me was all so empty no matter how much I tried.”

“But you saved me that night and it may have been wrong but I knew right then that I needed to have you. What I did was selfish but I can’t lie and say that I wouldn’t do it again. You gave me my music again, you gave me happiness and tenderness and so much passion until I couldn’t breathe without wanting you.”

“Your love for me was always so pure that it healed me and I was afraid that without it I would lose myself. And so I lied and tried to keep such a big part of me away from you, trying my best not to damage you like I was damaged. But now I want to give you everything, tell you all that I am and all that I’ve been afraid to be. It doesn’t matter who I am to the rest of the world and it doesn’t matter what they want to call me; the only thing that matters to me now is that you call me yours. So if you can still love me, if you can look past everything that I did and love Kim JongHyun of Shinee, then please don’t leave me.”

I knew my words were pitiful, that so much of what I was saying put her on the spot. I didn’t mean to make her responsible for everything that I felt, but I had to be truthful. There was very little I could do to change who I was and who I had been; this part of me had existed long before I’d met Noelle. But she had shown me a new world and a better version of myself. It was self-serving in the extreme but I didn’t want to let that go, didn’t want to let us go. More than any desire or want, I needed her and needed her love. It was dangerous to have the feelings that I did, I knew it myself, but there was no way to stop.

Noelle’s smile is full and watery, and I lift up a hand to wipe away the tears that I’ve caused, my chest clenching in pain knowing that I made her cry for a second time.

“Jonghyun, why would you think you’re the only one with secrets? Why did you think you had to lie to keep me? Don’t you know that everything you were changed me, that you eased my pain just as much as I eased yours? Don’t you understand that all the love that I gave you, you paid it back to me a thousand-fold. You reminded me that strength wasn’t something that I had to gain singlehandedly, that I could borrow it and build it up until I could stand on my own.”

Noelle grabbed me into a hug and I went willingly, finally able to breath now that I was back in her embrace. “I didn’t save you Jjongie, we saved each other.”

“I’m so sorry Noelle, I should’ve told you everything from the beginning but I was a coward. And when you left I thought-.”

“No, that one’s on me. I shouldn’t have just left you.”

But I didn’t want to hear her apologies, I only wanted the sweet taste of her lips on mine and the knowledge that things between us would be good again. Now that I could finally live, now that I could have her close to me once again, I never wanted to be separated.

“There’s never been a time when I didn’t want you with me. There will never be a time when I think I’m better without you. I don’t care how far you run away, no matter where you go, I’m going to come after you. No matter how much pain you’re in, let me be the one to ease it. I can live without you, but it would be a desolate existence Noelle and the thought of so much loneliness...I don’t think I can take it.

“Don’t say that anymore, it’s not going to happen. You’re stuck with me for good now, you might as well get used to it.”

Her hand reached up to brush my bangs off my forehead and I leaned into her caress, feeling as if I had gained the world. And in a way I had; Noelle had become my everything, my most valuable treasure. She took my battered self and loved me for it, wanted to love me through my hurt. It was overwhelming to know that someone cared about me enough to look past my shortcomings and see only goodness in my failures.

I couldn’t stop my lips from trembling as I kissed her open palm that rested against my cheek, as I pressed them against the pulse at her wrist and as I brought that same hand to rest over my shoulder. I turned Noelle into my embrace and she came willingly because she knew like I knew that even one millimeter of distance between us is too much. I rubbed my cheek against her soft curls and inhaled the scent of coconut oil and almonds, the familiar aroma one that I had only been able to dream of for the past few days. And somehow our tears turned into soft kisses, and those kisses into tiny bites. And when Noelle’s fingers dug into my hair and grasped at the strands until she was able to press me even closer, I knew that the time for confessions was long over. I had been without her for so long that I yearned for her touch, I needed it like an addict needed his next fix.

I kissed my way down to Noelle’s chin and then I was at her ear, my teeth gently tugging on her earlobe before following a path along her collarbone. Her gasps were light and breathy, and her hands opened and closed over my arms, her fingers digging into the skin there. She strained against me and I tried find a way for my lungs to keep working, to keep my mind clear enough to pleasure her while she made me lose all thought.

I was in a hurry to be , to feel our skin pressed against each other’s with no barriers. I pulled my shirt off quickly and in between pulling it up and over my head, I rained kisses on every inch of her that I could get, eager to taste all of her goodness. Her breath shook as I took her into mouth, the dark brown pebble standing at attention as I rolled it gently between my teeth, it in time to each of her gasps. It was a powerful feeling knowing that I could evoke this response in her, that I could make her lose control. In some ways she seemed too perfect to be real but she made me just as invincible when I was with her.

I peeled the loose-fitting blouse from her body in stages, making sure to kiss every inch of her I could reach until she was writhing beneath me, the keening noises she made only making me harder. Her jeans and came next and I slipped them off of her quickly, wanting to see all of her because from now on every bit of her would belong to me. There was no more hesitation in my thoughts; I wouldn’t live without Noelle and I would make sure I kept her for good this time. I spared one thought for the ring hidden in my dresser drawer before I pulled my own skintight jeans from my body.

 “Take it all off Jonghyun, I can’t wait anymore,” she begged me but I didn’t want to listen. She was too precious and I had to make sure that I could savor every last inch of her. The only thing in my entire universe was the feel of her in my hands, her delicate whimpers and the smoothness of her skin that I couldn’t help but expose inches at a time so that I could temper my own response.

The sofa was nowhere big enough for the two of us to lay down, so I carried Noelle out of my studio and down the hall to my bedroom. Placing her gently on the bed, I smiled when she giggled at the sight of my straining against my boxers, the evidence of my arousal too conspicuous. Maybe on another day I would’ve played with her in kind, run my fingers over her pert s and played in the slick wetness that was hidden in her soft folds. But today I was in a hurry to be on her, in her and I didn’t have the patience to wait any more. As gently as I could, I touched Noelle’s body with all the reverence I felt in my heart, the sounds of her soft moans only causing me to go slower, to give her the most enjoyment she could handle.

I examined my prey as she sighed while I worked my fingers against the slick seam that I longed to be in. Noelle was beautiful as she lost herself inside her own pleasure and if it was possible, it even more to watch her squeeze her eyes shut as she clamped her thighs against my wrist and snapped her hips up to meet me in time to my hand’s s. It wasn’t long before she froze, all the muscles in her thighs and stomach tense and quivering, until I felt her contract against my fingers in release.

Spent she lay quiet but I wasn’t done with her yet. I turned her until she lay on her stomach, the smooth expanse of her back was explored by my fingers, the soft globes of her kneaded by my greedy hands. I kissed my way across the base of her neck and all along her spine, ending at the base of her bottom,  each press of my mouth causing her to flinch until she cried out softly. With her distracted, I divested myself of my underwear and slipped on a , the smell of latex too familiar. Noelle lay supine beneath me and I used that to my advantage. Rising up behind her, I pulled her lower body up to mine, and put a hand on her back, pushing her down onto the pillows under her head. Unresistingly she came to me and with a furious push I entered her roughly, my thoughts of taking things slow shot to hell the minute her was in front of my .

Once she had taken me deep inside, Noelle began a slow rotation of her hips. The undulation she created was steady as a wave pushing against the shore and I felt myself come apart at the seams. Unable to hold back, I grabbed her s in my hands and squeezed them in time with my shoves inside her, my own harsh breathing inaudible to my ears. And then there was kissing and touching, soft whispers and harsh sighs that drove us further into the need that we couldn’t escape. Noelle raked her fingers across my back and though I knew it should hurt, all I felt was a sharp pleasure. Inside her I felt complete and I knew that I was completing her. Slowly we burned together as our desire fell into madness.

When I was younger I had done nothing but dream of having the kind of relationship that was on TV and in books. A deep, passionate and unshakable love that could weather any and every storm. As I grew older and became more involved in SHINee, I had stopped wanting anything beyond peace; I had stopped expecting and hoping to find that blissful perfection with a woman who would hold half of my heart. But now I had more than I’d imagined, I had someone who belonged to me just as much as I belonged to them. And maybe I would never be perfect but she would make me whole. Love was finally mine and now I had it all; one lifetime would never be enough. As Noelle slept after our lovemaking, I rose from the bed and removed the small box hidden in my dresser. Stealthier than any assassin, I got back into bed and slipped the diamond ring onto my lover’s finger. Satisfied by the way it looked, I found my own sleep as I held Noelle close.

A/N: Holy crap it's over! That's so sad for me, so I'm planning on writing an epilogue to finish this story properly. This was a trial to end, I think subconsciously I was avoiding it, but this isn't the end for the boys of SHINee, I already have the beginnings of a TaeMin story in the works. I thank all of you for being super supportive of me while I wrote this and willing to wait so long in between chapters. It's been a pleasure writing for you all! As always please COMMENT, UPVOTE and SUBSCRIBE for more content and check out my other stories! Much love <3