Your smallest movements

Your beautiful laughs

Stay with me

Imprisoned in my memories

Your kisses still linger sweetly on my lips

Your scent intoxicates me

I'm becoming addicted to you

Let me breathe in your scent

Intoxicate me with your love

Make me addicted to you

Keep me trapped in your embrace.

                             -Excerpt from the pages of JongHyun’s lyric book

I tap the pen repeatedly against the thick paper of my notebook, the sound of it echoing and bouncing off the walls of the space that I've designated as a workroom in my brownstone. The songs and words have been flowing out of me unceasingly for days, but today I'm distracted. My piano is quiet and I haven't touched my computer in hours. I don't want to write or compose anything; I feel restless and unsatisfied. For the fourth time in as many minutes, I run my hands through my hair and heave out a sigh. I slip my glasses off my face and rub my eyes as the empty page beneath me blurs out of focus. What is it that I want? Am I hungry? Or do I need to rewrite my lyrics? Something is making me feel uneasy but I can't think of what it could be. I rub my hand lightly over my chest, and pinpoint my discomfort as coming from there. But why? Like an answer to my question, flashes of golden brown skin come to mind, large and loose curls that bounce everywhere in the breeze and the image of a bright smile that lights me up from the inside flares up in my thoughts. And finally, my mood makes sense; I miss her.

For two days Noelle has taken time off; her ‘weepy days’ as she now calls them jokingly. And even though it was my suggestion that's made her embrace her bad days, I really want to see her. In just three weeks it's become a nightly habit to walk her back home from work and those are the happiest hours of my day. Asking her about her childhood, her interests, anything at all that I can think of to ask and she lets me know without hesitating. I don't think I've ever met someone so honest before, so willing to tell me the hard and private things even if it hurts.

And the part of me that feels her pain? It begs me to share mine with her too. The need gets stronger every day and I feel myself losing the fight. But I don't want to burden her with my feelings, I want to support her. I want her to see the me I am when she's around; bright, happy and confident. That other Jonghyun though, the hurt and lonely one, has no place in her presence. Even if I want to tell her, I hold it in. But today I can't shake the longing ache and I get up from my desk, intent on heading over to her place.

I’ve sat in my sweats all day long and I jump in the shower, focused on washing away my funky mood. The hot water runs over my face and into my hair while I breathe in deeply, feeling the tension leave my shoulders. I rub my favorite soap bar all over my body, the heady smell of sandalwood and cinnamon reminding me that the first time I got it was as a birthday gift from my members. Back then we had barely gotten any sort of monthly allowance from SM; they had put all their money together and bought me the moderately expensive body wash. It had been almost a week since I’d spoken to any of the guys. As I step out of the shower nostalgia hits me hard and I make a mental note to call them later.

Wrapping a fluffy white towel around my waist, I let myself air dry as I wipe the condensation from my mirror. My fingers scratch out letters in the wetness, the Korean words filling up the foggy glass until I can see myself clearly. I brush my teeth quickly, eagerness making me rush through the chore. Next I slap on some moisturizing cream; the cold wind having chapped my face since I’ve spent so many nights out with Noelle. I forgo my usual BB cream and light makeup, feeling more comfortable being barefaced with Noelle. I leave my hair as it is for the moment and move into my bedroom, walking through the attached hallway that connects it to the bathroom.

I study my closet for a long time, thinking carefully about my choices. I go back and forth between a fitted dress shirt or a thick cashmere sweater, and as I hold them out, small feet patter into the room.

“Roo-yah, eotteoke saenggakae?”

My little dog barks once as I hold out the sweater towards her and runs in a circle as I smile.

“Great choice, I like this one too.” I grab a black t-shirt from my dresser drawer, and slide the cotton material up and over my head. The shirt fits snugly against my chest and I push the sweater on over top of it, loving the warmth that envelops me. Roo hops up on to my bed as I grab a pair of black skinny jeans, and I wrestle with the pants as they struggle to go past my thighs. Since I’ve been in America, I hit the gym more often than I did in Korea and my muscles are starting to get much bigger than I had anticipated. Thinking about going shopping, I finish my outfit with a pair of socks and grab a watch from the collection I have stored in a small cabinet in the closet, the gold Michael Kors timepiece completing the look.

I get a good look at the time and pick up my pace, worried that Noelle might decide to go out if I wait until the afternoon to get to her place. Back in the bathroom, I run mousse through my hair carelessly, letting the strands fall where they will. One last look in the mirror and then I’m downstairs and headed out the door, pulling on a pair of black boots as I enter the mudroom.

I race back inside to grab a long grey coat, the huge buttons flashing as they mirror the light snow that has settled all over Brooklyn. For a short time, New York has transformed into a clean and crisp wonderland. Snow had finally fallen and in its wake has left pure white on all the rooftops, sidewalks and streets. The ground glittered in the weak sunlight and I was excited at seeing the season’s first snow, the cold air bringing freshness into my lungs as I walked. At least until the roads became crowded with cars and the feet of hundreds of people on their way to work stomped through the glistening ground-cover. In a few hours’ time, nothing would be left but black slush pushed into the corners of the streets, only small patches of white left in the crevices of alleyways. But the loss didn't bother me so much; instead the sight put me in mind of Seoul. Longing for the city hit me hard but I pulled the edges of my coat closer to myself, shaking off the homesickness as I walked to Noelle’s neighborhood.

Maybe the walk was long but I didn’t remember it. Instead I found myself standing outside of Noelle’s building, pushing her apartment number on the intercom and asking to be let up. Seconds later she buzzed me in and I pushed through the glass doors, taking the stairs in my rush to get to her place. Excitement filled me up until I was bursting with it. Yes, she had been what I’d been missing and my body fairly hummed with delight as she opened the door, inviting me inside.

“Hey! I wasn't expecting you here today. Come in! And forgive the mess.”

As I stepped inside, I looked around the room, hoping to see just how messy and relaxed Noelle had allowed herself to get. But except for the bowl of half eaten popcorn on the coffee table and a throw blanket on the couch, the house was as spotless as ever. So much for seeing every side of her.

But finding out her hidden side doesn’t seem as important as I take in the beauty that I see in front of me. Noelle was gorgeous, there was no doubt about it, but seeing her relaxed and comfortable in a too-big sweatshirt and black leggings makes my chest go tight and other parts of me go hard. Her hair is in this braided style that I’ve never seen on her before, ribbons flowing through the thick waves as if they were always made to be there. Unconsciously I reach out to touch, my hand hovering in the air in the space next to her. I hesitate until she inclines her head towards me, and I run my hands over the soft mass in fascination.

“You look very pretty,” I say softly to her, some unknown emotion making my words come out thick and indistinct.

“Thanks, I found the style online. I’m glad you like it.” She ducks slightly and her head moves away out of my grasp slowly. My hand falls to my side and all at once I’m glad she’s moved; there’s no telling how idiotic I looked, just her hair in the middle of the living room. We both take a seat on her couch, our distance near but not too close. Feeling anxious like I’ve told someone one of my darkest secrets, I clear my throat and look away from her, eager to lighten the heavy mood. I hadn’t noticed before but music is playing in the background and the beautiful melodies make the composer in me stand up and take notice.

“Who's that?” I ask Noelle while pointing to the large monstrosity that she calls a stereo.

“It's Parachute; they're a blue-eyed soul group. They've been one of my favorites since college. This song is called Kiss Me Slowly.”

“It’s really good, very bluesy but it’s got a lot of good guitar going on. I like it.”

Noelle’s smile is dazzling and I forget the music, almost forget to breathe as I look at her. My minds’ working so sluggishly but it finally comprehends that Noelle and I are alone in her apartment; the thought of what could happen sparks like a live wire in my mind. The atmosphere is heady with unsaid words but if I speak them then it will all be over. For this to work between us, Noelle must stay my friend.

“There’s an event going on downtown, you know the one you told me about? ‘A Winter Wonderland’? They’ve got the rink all set up and everything.” Noelle’s face twitches at the mention of downtown and a funny look comes into her eyes, a mixture of sadness and…shame?

“We don't have to go. There's going to be a lot of people there, too. We can just go to nice shop or something.” She says while avoiding my eyes.

“But don't you want to go? You wanted to before.” I point out to her, not understanding her reluctance.

“But I’ve been thinking; it's just that it might be embarrassing for you.”

“What do I have to be embarrassed about?” I asked, genuinely surprised.

“People are going to notice us and they might stare or even say some things. It's better if we just avoid it.” Noelle gets up from the sofa, her feet padding across the thick carpet and the sight of her toes painted bright pink makes me smile.

“I know I look a little crazy with this blonde hair, but we’re in New York! People won’t stare that much, will they?”

“JongHyun, that’s not what I mean,” she sighs heavily. Her eyes plead with me to understand but I do get it, all too well. But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to change my mind.  

“People are always going to be staring; I still want to go and I know you do too,” I told her firmly. “So let’s just go.”

“But JongHyun-”

“I'm used to people staring at me. I don't care.”

“And if they say something?” She asks me quietly.

“Then let them say it. Am I living my life for them? I don't care what people say about me. And you shouldn't either.”

“It's easier said than done. Just watch.” Noelle’s lower lip is pouted out cutely and the urge to kiss her falls over me. I mentally give myself a hard shake, cutting the thought off as soon as I can.  

“Then how about you trust me? I won't let anyone hurt you.”

I hold her gaze with my own, keeping her in place until she can do nothing but believe my words.

“You have a habit of convincing me of things,” she says while giving me a small smile.

“Only the things that are good for you, trust me.”

The masses of trees that fill the park are all decorated with hanging lights for Christmas, big red bows connecting them all together as they enclose the skating rink. The rink’s been put up only last weekend but already it’s filled with people dressed for the cold weather. Young kids race by while others hold on to their parents for dear life. Couples hold hands and some are even kissing as they skate along. A shudder goes through me as I think about doing the same with Noelle, imagine her lips pressed against mine while we glide on the ice. Even though I know I should, I don’t push the thought away, letting myself savor the small fantasy.

Christmas carols play overhead even though the day is still weeks away, but no one seems to care and Noelle is bouncy excitedly next to me as we wait in line to get into the rink. Her smile lights up the gray surroundings and I feel caught up in her happiness.

“Can you skate?” she asks me as she watches others zoom by, her eyes bright with joy.

“It’s been a few years, but I think I remember.” She looks up at me and I’m glad I chose to wear my boots, their small heel giving me a little boost. Just enough so that the top of her head rests just below my cheek. I think about bringing her close to me, holding her so that I can breathe in the coconut scent of her hair that peeks out from beneath her knit cap.

“I’m glad you convinced me to come,” she says quietly while bumping me with her shoulder. I smile in response, glad that she feels comfortable being with me, glad that she feels she can trust my judgement. Now as long as I don’t examine my own happiness too closely, I might be able to last the day.

Noelle slides on the ice like she was born to it, her skates barely lifting as she executes sharp turns and spins. For my own part, I can barely move in a straight line, my ankles unbalanced in the too large boots. They'd run out of my size and I'd gotten stuck with ones a size and a half bigger than I needed. Noelle spun in circles around me, calling out as she flew by, giggling all the while. I wanted desperately to catch her, grab on to her and keep her close to me. But she was like the wind and slipped through my fingers when I meant to bring her in close.

And the worst part was that I wasn't the only one looking as she put on her show; other guys had noticed her in the rink and outside of it. They followed her with their eyes and I followed them, jealousy rearing its ugly head. I didn’t like the fact that they watched her while Noelle skated on, oblivious to their attention as she teased me. I didn’t like those feelings or the thoughts they created in me. And I especially didn’t like the fact that any of it bothered me so much. Because it meant that I cared and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that, if I would ever be ready again. But despite my head telling me to get it together, it seemed like it was too late. For the first time, someone had come before my music and it was all I could do to keep myself from admitting what my heart had already acknowledged; I was falling in love. 

A/N So I hadn't planned on updating tonight, which is why it's so late, but once I started writing I couldn't stop so here you go!  Guys Parachute is an awesome band a I totally recommend their songs, especially "What I Know, Disappear, You and Me and Forever and Always" Check 'em out! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, tell me your feelings and what you think will happen next down below. I love reading you're comments so keep it up and remeber to Upvote, Comment and Subcribe for more updates! Love you guys <3